by Kitt, Sandra
Carol peered up at Lee through her lashes. “Yes,” she answered without hesitation.
Lee gently pulled her hand away. He held it the way he had as they entered into the building and rode up the elevator. Her fingers twisted until they were in the right position to hold on to his in return.
They looked into each other’s faces, each other’s eyes, as if this was the last moment in which life would continue as they knew it. They were embarking on another close encounter, which would overcome myths and legends, history and expectations, biases and the unknown, and would leave them a man and a woman who were instinctively attracted to each other, who felt a growing desire to trust those instincts.
Lee sighed. And then he took a leap of faith that was so uncharacteristic that he unconsciously gripped Carol’s hand tighter, as if to prevent himself from falling. He started out slowly because he was not used to making confessions. He was not used to trusting anyone.
“That night… I was heading up an undercover narcotics team that had staked out a local drug kingpin. It was a case we’d been trying to put together for almost six months. We could bring him in on drug-related charges, but we really wanted him for several homicides for which we still had only circumstantial evidence.”
Lee spoke in a low, even cadence, the details of his story clear and precise. For the moment it was just a story to Carol. She was interested, listening silently, waiting for the conclusion. She was aware of the warmth of his hand, the incredible strength and power in it. Unconsciously her thumb moved, stroking the back of it.
When Lee started talking again, Carol closed her eyes. Ever since that night, she hadn’t been able to imagine fully what had gone on. Now she let him fill in the blanks, provide the setting and the characters.
“We had a man inside who’d gotten close to the suspect. He was one of our direct lines. Another was someone I’m not at liberty to discuss. But the operation went haywire. We tried to close in, to contain and gather as many of the perpetrators as we could. Some slipped out and got away. Some we chased down. We were making a sweep of the neighborhood, passing through Tenth, when a dog started barking. There was the sound of a gunshot. I went in pursuit. As we approached the area where we’d heard the shot, my partner and I were suddenly fired upon. There was a rapid exchange of gunfire. Two suspects fled. A third went down, wounded.”
Carol drew in a short breath, remembering her struggle with a man holding her. The gunshot and Max yelping. The repeated explosions bursting into the night. She didn’t remember so much what she’d seen as what she’d felt. The thud against her body that penetrated her skin and burned.
Carol held her breath for a second. “That… was me,” she whispered.
“Yes.”
She pulled her hand free and once again placed it on her chest, turned away from Lee and sat down in her favorite chair, somewhat hunched over.
“I didn’t even want to go into that block,” Carol began in a quiet, incredulous voice. “Max led me. He didn’t follow my command to turn back. There were two men. They were coming toward me, talking. I didn’t know what they were saying. I couldn’t understand.”
“Were they speaking Spanish?”
She nodded. “Yes, that’s it. I was a little nervous about walking past them, but not overly concerned. Then Max started barking at them. They… they got upset. And then… then, I think…” She frowned, closed her eyes again. “I think there was a car on the street. But there were no headlights.”
“That’s right,” Lee confirmed.
“The two men got angry because Max was barking. They told me to make him stop, but I couldn’t. The next thing I knew there was a gun. And a loud sound like an explosion. Max was lying on the ground. When I tried to reach him, one of the men grabbed me. He covered my mouth completely and I couldn’t breathe. I was trying to breathe and I couldn’t move his hand, and…”
Lee hunkered down in front of her, rubbing her shoulder, taking her hand again. “Carol… take it easy. Slow down.”
She shook her head, as if trying to force the memory out so she could see it clearly. “He had something on his wrist. Some kind of bracelet, I think. It was pressing against my nose. It was hurting me.”
Lee leaned forward to hear her. “You think he was wearing a bracelet?” he repeated.
Carol nodded. “I think so. When I tried to pull his hand away from my mouth, I could feel it.” She stopped for a second and took a deep breath. “He had a smell. But it was a nice smell. I remember thinking how strange that he was wearing perfume.”
“Go on…” Lee coaxed. Her body stiffened suddenly, and she gave a quiet little whimper.
“There… there was gunfire. The man wouldn’t let me go. He kept jerking me around. I wanted to take a breath. I thought I was going to pass out. I tripped and couldn’t seem to get my footing. And then… something hit me. I couldn’t stand up anymore and I knew I was going to fall. He let me go and I fell to the ground, and…”
“Carol…” Lee moved even closer.
She didn’t hear him. “There was this unbelievable burning. I… I didn’t know I’d been shot. I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I wanted to turn over to see if I could find Max. I couldn’t seem to move. And someone was bending over me. A man. But it wasn’t the same man.” Carol blinked rapidly, lost in the memory. “He said something to me. And he was in blue,” she finished as if it was a revelation. “A blue coat and a hat. And he touched me, I think. Here.” She demonstrated, placing her hand on her neck just below her ear.
Carol refocused and brought her attention back to Lee’s face. She’d been back there again. And she could tell from the look in his eyes that he’d been there with her. She sighed, closing her eyes as her body relaxed and the tension drained out of her. Thinking about it day after day had been much worse than talking about it and reliving it. When she gazed into Lee’s eyes, she realized he had been right in forcing her to face the demons of that night. The incredible loneliness that had overwhelmed her ever since she’d regained consciousness in the hospital had never gone away completely… but now it made sense.
Lee stood up, taking her hands and pulling her to her feet. His hands were sliding gently up and down her arms. He meant to comfort her, she understood that. But there was more to it.
“Do you mind if I hold you?” he asked in a voice that was deep and gravelly.
She shook her head. “You didn’t ask before,” she observed.
Lee sighed deeply, his hands beginning to travel to her back, her waist, to coax her forward into his arms. “That was different. I didn’t know then what I know now.”
“Are you going to tell me about it?”
“Not yet,” he murmured.
And then, with no thought and no time to prepare, and no consideration of the consequences, Lee closed his arms around Carol, and she transferred her hands to his chest, flat, so she could feel not only the rock-solid firmness of him, but also his body heat and the pumping of his heart. She was suddenly thinking that he wasn’t the kind of man who would wait for an invitation. But she didn’t feel the need to offer one. She closed her eyes, knowing that he was going to kiss her. And knowing that she wanted him to.
Lee pressed his mouth to hers, and there was no mystery. He knew what to do… and he wanted to do it. To let Carol feel his attraction. His need to get close to her. The odd, compelling drive to protect her. And a strong desire to touch her in a way that went far beyond the boundaries imposed by society and circumstance. He wanted to give Carol not only comfort but also something of himself.
And he wanted something from her in return.
He slid his arm around her waist and drew her closer, careful this time of her healing wound. He bent forward to settle his slightly open mouth on hers. He felt no need to test the waters, take it slow. He tilted his head so that his lips fit comfortably against hers. When Carol parted her lips slightly, he only teased at a deeper kiss, aware of the inviting warm cavern of her mouth but more a
ware of satisfaction at the contact than of any expectation of arousal. But that was there, too. Their tongues touched and teased.
Carol shifted position as she tunneled her arms inside his coat to circle his waist. Lee didn’t move, didn’t try to avoid the inevitable when her hand hit his gun butt, holstered and attached to his waist by a clip. She let her hand blindly explore the shape of it before pulling back.
It wasn’t as if she didn’t know that Lee carried a gun. But it was startling to have it confirmed, to know he was licensed to kill. And he might have killed her without them ever knowing anything about each other.
Now that had irrevocably changed.
Carol lightly touched his face, exploring the contours of his jaw. Slowly she withdrew her mouth from his and let the tips of her fingers touch his lips. She opened her eyes to stare at him. There was no surprise in his gaze and she felt none at all herself. Just a peace and quiet that started at the very center of her.
“Why did you change your mind?” Carol asked him with quiet seriousness.
Lee regarded her closely, a slight frown furrowing his brow. His jaw muscle tightened under her fingertips and he shook his head. “I didn’t know I was going to.”
“Then how come you said you wanted to see me again?”
He sighed deeply as he stared at her face, thinking what pretty skin she had, appreciating her straightforward search for the truth. His hands glided slowly up her back. “Because I wanted to see you again,” he answered simply.
Carol nodded, accepting his honesty with the first hint of shyness he had yet to see in her. “Will you get in trouble over this?”
“Depends on what you mean by trouble. I won’t tell if you won’t.”
Carol gnawed on her lip. “This better not be a trick,” she teased. “My big brother will stomp your face.”
Lee chuckled. “I bet he would. I have a feeling you can take care of yourself.” His hands squeezed restlessly at her waist. “Do you have any problems with this?” he asked boldly.
Carol couldn’t pretend not to understand. She shook her head. “Only that… I’ve never kissed a cop before. And you?”
His eyes thoroughly scanned her features. “I’ve never kissed a woman who was part of an investigation. What did it feel like to you?”
“Very nice,” she said easily.
“Yeah. I thought so too.”
“I’m serious, Lee. Why did you tell me?” she repeated.
Lee released her and took a step back. He established a neutral zone in which there was no need to deny what had just happened between them, and no threat of confusing it with the investigation.
“I’ve been a cop for almost twenty years. I was on the right side and thought I could do no wrong. But it doesn’t always shake out that way.” He absentmindedly took both hands and ran them over his head, causing his hair to flatten and spring up again. “A cop’s worst nightmare is mistakenly taking down the wrong person. But it happens. I guess I just wanted to make sure you understood… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Maybe the average cop wouldn’t even think about it,” Carol said. “Or would deny it. I know it wasn’t me you were after that night, but a suspect. What about you? I don’t think it was Lieutenant Grafton who kissed me just now. It was a man named Lee. I think he’s probably an excellent cop, a better father than he believes, and I… I’m pretty sure he’s an honest man.”
“But you’re not entirely sure.”
“I can’t be, at least not yet. But I know what I feel. I think I can trust you. If you prove me wrong, well… then I’ll have to deal with it.” She looked earnestly at him. “I like you, Lee. Just don’t prove me wrong.”
Her observation both pleased and worried Lee. He felt a sudden twisting in his gut, like a warning, a shard of fear. He tamped down his doubts and instead went with the moment, as if he could isolate it from the past and the future. He returned to stand in front of Carol as she continued to let her wide-eyed gaze probe him, to try and detect if she’d misread him. He didn’t want to give her any reason to change her mind.
“I told you about that night to level the playing field. There’s a victims’ compensation board or something like that. You should look into it. I agree with your brother and your ex-husband. You probably should sue.”
“You do?” she asked in some surprise. “Why?”
“Don’t get me wrong. Everything that happened that night was in the line of duty and by the book. But we failed. The city doesn’t know how to say it’s sorry in any way except by paying money. You might as well take it.”
Carol thought about it. In a way it was dispiriting to know that when all was said and done, it came down to money again. The quick, easy, expedient solution. “I haven’t made up my mind yet. I’ll think about it,” she said.
Lee let a slow smile curve his mouth. He reached out to touch her hair, lightly pressed his thumb into the indentation in her chin. “You’re a pretty amazing woman. I took a chance tonight. I went with what I was feeling. I… I’m not used to doing that,” he said, as if he still found it incredible.
“Aren’t you used to taking chances?”
“Only when I’m pretty sure of the outcome.”
“That’s the cop talking again,” Carol responded knowingly. She raised her brows wistfully. “My father always told me that life is an adventure and a journey. Enjoy it, he would say; nothing happens that isn’t supposed to happen. We just have to figure out why it happens.”
Lee grinned. “Do you think he’s right?”
“I don’t know. Growing up, I don’t think I ever believed any of that. But since that night I guess I no longer feel as though God is punishing me for something. After all, He let me live.”
“So you think God was responsible for your survival?”
“I’m willing to give the doctors their due. But I think we had help that night.”
She thought about her background and history. All the years of thinking she was so terrible, that no one wanted her. But someone had. It had taken most of her life, and a moment of almost losing it, to recognize that love was a choice. Her natural mother chose not to want her. But it didn’t mean that no one would. Well… she had options too.
“It’s the second time in my life that I’ve been saved,” Carol quietly acknowledged.
Lee thought about that for a moment. “I bet the first time was when you were adopted,” he said, sliding his hand around to the back of her neck.
“Yes. When I was about two.”
He looked down into her face and pulled her head closer. “I could use a second chance myself,” he murmured. “But this will do for now.”
He kissed her again. This time he bypassed the foreplay and captured her mouth completely, rocking into place and letting his tongue fill the space Carol opened for him. It was a slow but bold dance, a giving and receiving that made them equals with a mutual need. And yet, sexual desire was not the driving force. Release was not even the goal. There was something else taking place between them. Lee knew that he, at least, wasn’t going to figure it out tonight.
But it was a great start. Carol’s response held nothing back. It had the fearlessness of someone with nothing to lose. Or of someone willing to risk taking an unknown path to see where it might lead.
The heat began to rise and swell in his body, and Lee slowly and reluctantly broke the contact of their lips. It was still too soon for anything more. They were so close that their noses rubbed together and he could feel her warm breath on his cheeks. He opened his eyes to find that she had the slightest of smiles on her face. Lee sighed in relief, as if he’d just overcome some great hurdle, passed a test and Carol had given her mark of approval.
“I have to go.”
“Yes,” she accepted quickly, with a sigh of her own.
“I’ll see you again.”
She smiled. “Yes.”
Lee let his hands fall and walked away. At the door he turned to look at her again. She was standing in the cente
r of the living room watching him.
“I have to ask you something,” she said with a note of inquiry in her voice. “Do you think this is a good idea?”
“What do you think?”
“I asked you first.”
Lee didn’t even seem to think about it before he gave Carol a curious look as he stepped out into the hallway. “I don’t see why not.”
The door clicked shut behind him.
Carol stood staring at the closed door. She was both sorry and relieved that he had left. Until that moment she’d given no thought to what might have happened if he’d stayed longer. There were two possibilities. Either one would have destroyed the magic and spontaneity of what they had shared. This way she could savor the memory, over and over, when she needed the reassurance that what had happened was right. Second-guessing herself was never a worthwhile use of her time, Carol knew, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t assailed by doubts. She wasn’t looking for guarantees, just a reasonable chance.
Already she felt caught up in the giddy and electrifying emotions of a new relationship. Lee might claim that he wasn’t one to take foolish risks, but she believed that they had begun something together tonight that was, in its own way, much more dangerous than what had first brought them together. Still, it was a risk worth taking.
She stood very still, listening to the silence of her apartment. She made a steeple of her fingers and held them against her mouth, pivoting slowly toward the hallway that led to her bedroom. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
“Come on out, Matthew,” she ordered.
All remained silent for a few seconds longer. Finally, from the darkness beyond the short hallway and the depths of her bedroom, there came a rustling sound. In a few more seconds Matthew appeared, walking slowly into the living room. Carol looked him over quickly. He was fully dressed except for his shoes. He didn’t have his glasses on and appeared slightly disheveled. He scrubbed his hands over his face. He’d been sleeping. Carol wanted to know how long he’d been awake.
“How’d you know I was here?” he asked in a sleep-ridden voice.
