But the days since then were a snowballing journey of wretchedness. Because of our supplies we were cramped together in seats that were too small and gave us no leg room and took up every inch of available space. We were uncomfortably hot in the confines of the Suburban. We were tired because nobody has been able to sleep on the road and last night we were forced to take refuge in an old grain silo. The wind rattled the metal walls and seeped in through the wide cracks making it impossible to get a feel for what was out there lurking around our thin, vulnerable shelter.
By the time morning came, we were more exhausted than ever. But we were alive.
Every person in this car had reached their breaking point hours ago. We had no choice but to keep going, to explore those hidden depths of our personalities that lay beyond our normal boundaries. This was us at our worst. And it wasn’t pretty.
And it really wasn’t funny.
I mostly felt like this was hell. It had to be. There could not be another place worse than this.
Okay, maybe that was a little harsh. But this had to be purgatory at the very least, like some kind of torturous holding place before we were sentenced into our final judgment.
This was like Lost retold. Maybe the producers of that show got together with the producers of Survivor and created the most epic hour of entertainment of all time. They took people from real life, threw them into a reality show that they didn’t know about and forced them to live through the suckiest situations on life and experience purgatory. One by one we were eliminated until there was only one left.
Maybe people watched on as my sanity slowly unraveled, and my body weakened and broke down. They found amusement in my suffering and sick humor in watching me die slowly and painfully.
Or maybe the producers hadn’t been trying for another go at television greatness. Maybe they had been on to something.
Something I should have paid better attention to.
Where was the freaking smoke monster? Give me The Others and an island predator any day over the Queen of the Damned whispering toxic shit in my ear constantly while I choked to death on teenage boy body odor.
Oh god, this was hell.
It really was.
I’d done something so terrible during my life that I’d been sentenced to an eternity of loneliness, a battered body and insanity.
“Reagan,” Kane’s steady voice called me from my thoughtless wreckage.
I didn’t acknowledge him; I was too uncomfortable to get sucked into conversation right now. My shoulders were squished tightly between King and Harrison while Tyler squeezed in on the other side of King. Our thighs all pressed into each other, half on top or underneath. King’s elbow dug into my side, and my shoulder stabbed at Harrison’s bicep.
In front of us, they didn’t have it any better. Nelson and Haley babysat the two younger ones. Page lay curled up on Haley’s lap, and Miller tucked himself tightly against the door. Gage looked a little suicidal pressed against the door on Haley’s other side.
One of the first things we noticed after we’d climbed in this one vehicle was that Miller did not like to be touched. In any way. In fact, he kind of freaked out once we piled in and smashed together. It was pretty obvious his sudden aversion to skin-to-skin contact was a consequence of the abuse he suffered at Matthias’s hands. Still, it was hard to watch a kid his age have a panic attack just because his personal bubble had been invaded.
It made me hate Matthias even more.
So young and so damaged… I worried about Miller’s future and what he would turn out like. I worried that even the influence of the Parkers wouldn’t be enough to save him from himself.
“Reagan,” Kane said again. This time I turned around and King elbowed me in the boob. I sent him a glare, but he didn’t hesitate to send me one right back. I gave Kane my full attention, so he continued, “You okay?”
I nodded and tried to remain cool, but I couldn’t stop a small smile or the warmth that spread across my chest. “I’m okay.”
Kane returned the barely-there smile. It was like he could feel how close to the edge of insanity I teetered and he lunged to my rescue just in time. I started to tip into the dark abyss and he grabbed my hand at the last possible second to keep me from falling.
“You don’t have to be nice to her for my sake,” Kane teased. “If you want to gag her, go right ahead.”
My small smile turned into a big grin and an actual laugh. “You can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother.”
Kane’s gray eyes flashed with something deeper, something addictively potent. “Good.”
Unnerved by the compelling, powerful expression on his face, I turned back around. I felt dizzy from the emotion that Kane exposed to me with those soulful eyes and expressive mouth. The looks he’d given me ever since he declared his feelings moved in a funny way in my chest, in a way that felt permanent… felt possessive. He didn’t just rearrange my nerves and emotions, he rearranged my goals and outlook on life… He rearranged my soul. I hated myself for letting him affect me so much. But then I didn’t hate myself. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved the heady intoxication that came with the power he gave me. The control he handed over.
And there was more. There was so much more. But I wasn’t at the point yet where I could examine any of it. I couldn’t let myself look too closely or I would come to a stand-off within myself that I wasn’t ready to face. My heart warred with my mind. Hell, half of my heart warred with its other half. There were too many conflicting emotions. Too many things at odds with each other. It was like, the minute I could admit Kane to myself, I would have to deny Hendrix. The second I set myself free, I would betray my own heart.
And I wouldn’t do that.
Next to me, Harrison clucked a disappointed sound. “I don’t get you,” he grumbled.
I tried to remember that Harrison was already in a special mood. I tried to remember that he was only seventeen and that he had no idea what it was like to love or to lose.
I tried.
But I failed.
“You don’t have to,” I snapped.
He snorted an ugly sound. “Hendrix is the kind of man he will never be.”
“I never said he wasn’t.”
He made another derisive grunt.
King shook his head next to me and said with a very unamused tone, “Stay out of it, Harrison. It’s not your business.”
“You stay out of it,” Harrison snapped. “You’re really going to stick up for him?”
King slid forward in his seat and my body relaxed into the newly opened space. It was like I had been coiled tightly and locked in a box. Suddenly someone opened the door and my arms and chest sprang free. I even slouched sideways and ran into Tyler, who had done the exact same thing. Immediately the sweat along my neck and hairline started to cool.
Meanwhile, the boys still waged their bitter argument around us. “I’m not sticking up for anyone,” King said evenly. “I’m simply saying that it’s none of your business who Reagan screws, so leave her alone. You’re not Dr. Phil.”
“Wait a second-”
Harrison cut me off. “It is my business when it’s my family being tossed to the side of the road like garbage.”
“Wait!” I shouted more forcefully. “Stop!”
“What the hell, Harrison? Are you on your period? Stop being such a p-”
“That’s enough!” Nelson shouted before King could finish his thought. “You two are acting like idiots. Enough. Harrison, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, so stop talking.”
Harrison did not like that. “But-”
“I said stop talking. Forever. Until I tell you that you can talk again, I don’t want to hear a peep from you. Don’t even sneeze without my permission.”
Harrison’s back slammed into the seat and his arms slammed against his chest. He sat next to me, radiating fury and bitterness. I only felt a little sorry though. Nelson was right; he didn’t know what he was talking
about. Although, I also knew that he was exhausted and irritable. He probably never would have said those things to me or about me if we hadn’t been trapped here for so long. And if he had just a smidge more leg room. And if we didn’t live in the middle of an apocalypse with our lives and the lives of those we loved at risk every second of every day…
Still, he didn’t have to be so rude about it.
“And you,” Nelson turned on King. “Leave your brother alone. He’s a moron, but it’s not your place to tell him that.” Nelson swiveled around without waiting for King to respond. He slumped in his seat and let out a weary sigh. “And if I hear either of you insult a period again, I will kick your asses six ways to Sunday.”
King snorted. “Why?”
I held my breath and waited for Nelson’s pro-women explanation. I had been really impressed with that last sentiment of his and I couldn’t wait to hear everything he had to say about gender equality and the unfairness and treatment of women globally.
Instead, he said, “Because you two dipshits have never had to deal with a woman with her period. And until you’ve gone through that special cycle of hell, you don’t get to talk about it. The privilege is reserved for men with real-life experience, men who’ve actually suffered through it. Multiple times.”
Okay, I took back every single awed thought about Nelson I’d ever had. He wasn’t the man I thought he was. He was somehow much worse.
“Oh, really?” Haley snapped. “You’ve suffered through it? You have? Do you even understand what it is like to get your period at a time where there is no regular supply of tampons? Or showers? Or hot water bottles? Or chocolate? Or ice cream? Or chick flicks? Do you? Because until you do, until you’ve been through the cramps and PMS and irritability and horror then you have no right to complain!”
“Until I do? You mean until I get my own period?” Nelson asked sounding dumbfounded by Haley’s reaction.
“Yes,” she hissed.
“Can we stop talking about periods now?” Gage pleaded desperately. “I’m considering death by Zombiecide. Seriously, anything to get out of this conversation.”
“Oh, shit,” Vaughan said quietly.
At first I thought he was fueling the argument. My head had been spinning since the boys next to me started going after each other. But then tension rippled through the Suburban, from front to back. I slid forward in my seat and peered out the windshield.
We were in familiar territory now. I’d traveled this highway many times before on supply runs before Matthias started sabotaging us. The debris and destruction were easily recognizable. The pot holes nostalgic bumps in the road. We were about thirty minutes of drive-time from the compound yet, but I knew Vaughan was planning on pulling over soon. In an effort to be stealthy, we would continue the rest of the way on foot and get as close to the compound as possible.
We had a plan that included Gage and Tyler splitting off from the group while Vaughan negotiated to trade Linley and Kane for the compound. Gage would sneak in the back and use his knowledge of the area to stay out of sight long enough to steal weapons and some supplies and if needed, free us after Matthias captured us. If we had to fight Matthias, we needed much more weaponry than we currently carried. Plus, we needed to resupply our medical needs and some food wouldn’t hurt, since we were all half-starved.
We weren’t exactly in the best position to go to war, but if it came to that, what choice did we have?
Our plan had been crafted carefully, with Kane’s input, and had several different variants, in case of any scenario. The first step was to get Matthias’s attention by negotiating for his wife and son. Plan A was the simplest solution and with any luck we could coax Matthias into believing that, too. By dangling Linley and Kane in front of him, we hoped we could delay his wrath while we came to terms with a peaceful agreement. Although we had decided to keep Linley and Kane hidden until Matthias agreed to our terms.
The plan was more than a little risky and involved splitting up in ways I was not comfortable with. But I saw Kane’s point. Keep the trump card for as long as we could, at least until we could figure out how to secure our safety. Keep people out of Matthias’s reach so that we could implement a backup plan. And keep Matthias under our thumb for as long as possible.
Kane could be a genius about this stuff when he applied himself. He naturally saw ways to manipulate people and get what he wanted out of them. I had a macabre awe of him when he explained the logistics of this plan.
But now I wondered if what sat before us in the middle of the road interrupted his plan.
The Suburban.
Not the one we were driving, obviously. But the other one. The one that the scientists had stolen from us when we were attacked by Zombies in the antique shop.
I sucked in a breath as Vaughan slowed our vehicle to a stop, idling in the middle of the highway. The Suburban sat in a similar position, but more cockeyed, black skid marks stretching out behind it.
Whoever had been driving had stopped in a big hurry, slamming on the breaks and swerving sideways. All four doors had been left wide open and the interior of the vehicle seemed eerily quiet. It seemed more than empty. It seemed devoid of life.
And that feeling continued forward into the rolling horizon. Warning flares shot off inside me as I looked beyond the Suburban and into what could be considered “compound territory.” What once welcomed me home for months, now felt severely wrong. This wasn’t Gage’s land anymore. This wasn’t safe for us. This wasn’t home.
And I didn’t even have to see Matthias or his people to know that our suspicions were confirmed.
We were smack dab in the middle of the Colony. Matthias had stretched his borders and conquered all the land between him and us. We now trespassed on heavily guarded property and if caught, we would be punished.
Even though this was ours.
This was mine.
He had taken so much from me. Happiness. Freedom. Sanity. I wouldn’t let him take this either.
Vaughan turned around in his seat, his arm curled around his headrest. He gave us an assessing once over and let out a defeated sigh. “This might be as far as we can drive.”
Those depressing words prompted the rest of us to take a considering glance out the windows again. Were they out there? Were they waiting for us?
Or was the abandoned Suburban the work of our other enemy- the less-discriminating one. Which enemy posed a greater threat? Zombies or Matthias?
I couldn’t remember which I was more afraid of these days. In fact, I could hardly tell the difference.
“I’m going to check it out,” Vaughan explained. “Hendrix is going to go with me.”
“I am?” Hendrix asked dryly.
Vaughan turned the full force of his authoritative glare on his just-barely younger brother and let him stew under the force of the Parker dominance. Eventually, Hendrix let out a defeated sigh. I was just glad I wasn’t the only person that couldn’t tell these boys no. They were seriously intense.
“I am,” Hendrix repeated with a more decisive inflection.
“Nelson, move up front. Reagan, move up to Nelson’s spot.” Those were Vaughan’s instructions and he didn’t wait around for us to argue or agree. He counted under his breath to three and jumped from the car at the same time Hendrix did.
They carried their weapons like seasoned soldiers. Their eyes scanned every direction with skilled attentiveness and their bodies moved with dangerous precision. They were war-machines raised to fight and raised to survive. This world did not stand a chance against their combined force.
Matthias didn’t stand a chance.
I was just glad I joined the right team.
I scrambled forward, pulling my backpack of dwindling weapons and ammo with me. I checked the guns on my person and the knives jammed in my cargo pockets. I jerked my head to the side and cracked my neck. I stifled the urge to spit. On the floor. On Haley’s foot just to prove a point.
There was something wrong with th
e girly parts of me. I was turning into something not at all feminine. The whole gun-slinging-killing-anything-that-breathes-wrong-no-showering lifestyle was ruining the whole delicate female thing I had going on before the infection. Goodbye, days of perfectly painted toenails and bright pink lip gloss. Hello, utilitarian pants and ammo-counting. Hello, broken nails and armpit hair. Hello, dry skin and split ends. Hello, nightmares and endless suffering.
Hello, Zombies and sadistic tyrants.
Goodbye, Reagan Willow the cheerleader with a bright, promising future, capable of laughter, life and love. Hello, Reagan Willow the survivor, capable of doing whatever it took to live, capable of killing anything that got in my way, incapable of trust, having fun and true love.
Wow. Had things ever been this bleak before?
I was kind of pathetic.
Hendrix. You ruined me.
You broke me.
You left me.
The guys checked out the Suburban and moved as stealthily back to us as they had away from us. The driver’s side was still open, but Nelson occupied the seat. Vaughan popped his head in and gave a solemn nod.
“Nobody home,” Hendrix declared from the other side of the car.
“We’re going on foot from here on out,” Vaughan said. “Whatever stopped them did it in a hurry. I don’t want to run into that. We’ll take the long way.”
“You’re not worried about Feeders?” Haley asked in a low voice, trying not to wake a still-sleeping Page.
Vaughan shook his head once. “If this is Matthias’s land, like I expect that it is, then he’s keeping it clean. I think that was why there were more Feeders on the road the last couple days. Matthias is driving them south. I’m more worried about running into his patrol. And either way, we can take care of ourselves. We can sleep in the trees if we have to.”
Love and Decay, Season Two Omnibus: Episodes 1-12 Page 57
