“Hang on a second,” she interjected then. “You’re saying that the doctors explained the damage to me, and I couldn’t cope with it?”
“Pretty much, yes. It’s hard to explain love, but as soon as you realised that you were indeed forgetting little things here and there, emotionally, you just couldn’t cope. And you wouldn’t let any of us help you. I wanted you to move in here with me but you refused and … well we were all very worried – the doctors included – about how you were going to cope in the long term. As it happened, we soon found out.”
“What? What happened?”
“It was a couple months after the original accident. You were found unconscious on the street near your flat. The doctors told us you’d had some kind of epileptic attack, which they said is often a side-effect of traumatic brain injury.”
Abby was stunned. “Epilepsy?”
“Yes.” Teresa shook her head, and she could only imagine how terrifying it must have been for her mother to learn of this, to say nothing of how she herself felt hearing about it now. Epilepsy.
“The attack was very severe and apparently caused a blackout of some sort … I don’t really know.” Teresa’s hands were clasped tightly in her lap, and Abby could see it on her mother’s face that the burden of explaining all this to her was taking a lot out of her.
But hearing it was taking a lot out of her too.
“How long … how long was I out for?” she asked then.
“Maybe a couple of hours or so between the time you blacked out and when you woke up, the doctors said. But love, the crucial thing is that when you woke up that second time, all you could remember was leaving your flat that morning. It took us all a while to figure out that you weren’t talking about leaving it that morning–the morning of your blackout–but the morning of the original accident–the day you first got hit. It was as if the previous few months had never happened.”
“I don’t believe you,” Abby cried. “My entire memory wiped clean, just like that?”
“The doctors said it must have been all the pressure you were under in trying to come to terms with it. You were under such an incredible amount of stress trying to cope with all this on your own, which must have been so overwhelming for you …” Her mother’s guilt about it all was plain to see. “But you wouldn’t let any of us help you, you just insisted on locking yourself away from us all like you did after Kieran and eventually I suppose it just became too much … But then when we found out that the seizure had caused your memory to …reset itself almost, we knew that the doctor’s fears were realised and the damage was real.”
Abby was still struggling to comprehend all this. “So what about the other times?” she urged. “You said that the last time I woke up was the fourth time, so what happened in between?”
“Again the doctors went through the process of explaining the memory loss to you except this time they could tell you for sure that there were no maybes about it, your blackout had proved that. At first you didn’t believe that so much time had passed, until you discovered the date and admitted to yourself that you couldn’t account for the months that had gone before. So this time, after lots of convincing, you agreed to take their suggestions on board, and agreed to meet with Doctor O’Neill to talk things through and try and ensure that the same thing didn’t happen again.”
Which explained why Hannah was in on it too, Abby realised now.
“Unfortunately, barely a month later you had another attack, this time in front of my own eyes here at the house. We were having a family dinner and you and Caroline had a bit of a run in about something … I don’t know …” she added looking pained. “Anyway, you got so upset you had another seizure– except this time you were out for four or five hours.” She bit her lip and tears came to her eyes. “It was an awful time …Caroline was inconsolable, she was convinced it was all her fault.”
Abby realised now that the sisters’ recent closeness may have had much to do with this.
“And again this time when you woke up, all you could remember was leaving your flat that morning, same as last time, despite the fact that by then almost four months had passed since you first got hit. And again, the doctors went through the same procedure, explaining your injuries and taking scans, except now they needed to find out what might be triggering these seizures, and if they were causing any more damage to your brain.”
She paused then, as if to give Abby time to let it all sink in.
“And I remembered nothing at all again, not a single thing?”
Teresa shook her head. “No, we were right back where we started, and had to explain everything to you all over again, same as last time. Again, you reacted very badly but once more agreed to see Doctor O’Neill.”
“So what happened to cause the latest seizure? The one I woke up from …a year ago?”
“We’re not sure love, as this time it happened again when you were out and about. The doctors seem to think that stress brings the seizures on, but because you can’t remember what happens beforehand, we’ve no way of knowing what brought this last attack on. This time you were at the DART station, but we don’t know what you were doing there or where you were going…”
Abby thought hard, but try as she might she couldn’t recall a single thing about being at a DART station, or indeed any of the other events her mother was describing.
It seemed that each attack did indeed ‘reset’ her memory back to the day before the accident. The neurologists had been right all along, she admitted terrified. Her long-term memory was in fact useless, which meant that all the time and effort she’d spent trying to cope with this had been a complete waste of time.
To think she’d spent all this time thinking she was coping, believing she could get through it…. The thought of this more than anything else, terrified her beyond belief.
“But why did you decide to keep me in the dark this time?” she asked then. “Why trick me into thinking the accident happened last year, instead of the year before? What was the point of that?” Then to her horror, she started to sob. “Why give me all that false hope, and let me think that I could actually get through this, when you knew that there was no chance, and I was only kidding myself! Why did you do that, Mum? Why give me false hope when you knew – you knew – it was all pointless?”
“It wasn’t my decision – ”
“But you’re my mother!” Abby was in full flight now, the realisation that all was lost well and truly hitting her. “Surely you couldn’t agree to such a horrible and hurtful deception, no matter whose decision it was! How stupid do you think I feel now?” Tears were racing down her cheeks. “I don’t know what to believe, don’t know who to trust … you’re my mother, how could you possibly agree to do something like this to me?”
“Love, of course I didn’t agree with it, but in the end I had no choice. The decision was made and although I didn’t like it one bit, everyone else agreed it might be for the best and– ”
“But what gave Hannah or the doctors or whoever …” she said, deciding that this was the most likely scenario, “what gave them to right to mess with my head! And for Christ’s sake why?”
Teresa’s hands were shaking. “I don’t know… I –”
“What do you mean you don’t know, surely you must know when you were involved in this as much as any of them. Mum, why can’t you just tell me why you did this, why you decided to turn my life upside down by lying to me like this? Why?”
Teresa looked at her, a world of hurt and regret in her eyes. “Love, only you can answer that,” she said in a small voice, “because the decision to do it was all yours.”
Abby stared at her, stunned. “What? What are you talking about? Why would I … how would I – ”
“This is why I wanted you to speak to Doctor O’Neill first,” Teresa went on quietly. “She knows more about that side of it than I do. You broached the idea and discussed it with her before you came to us.”
“I asked you to pretend that th
e accident had just happened, to pretend that a whole year had gone past without my noticing it? Why would I do something like that? And did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” Abby was flummoxed. But of course, she hadn’t noticed, had she? And whenever she did feel slightly wrong-footed or confused about the date, she naturally put it down to simple side effects. She’d never even entertained the notion that she might have been right!
“As I said, Doctor O’Neill is the one to ask. All I know is that you came to me and begged me to go along with it. You told me you had your reasons, so how could I say no? I would have done anything to take away the worry and stress you were under.” She paused. “And love, you have to admit it worked. Instead of being upset about it you came out fighting and making that list seemed to give you a new lease of life. You were a different girl, a positive, optimistic and determined girl. I hadn’t seen you so vibrant and so …happy for a long time. Instead of being depressed and defeated by what had happened, you picked yourself up and went out and grabbed life with both hands. So whatever the reasons behind it was working. You hadn’t had an attack since that last one and you seemed happy and worry-free so we weren’t going to risk your progress by telling you and stressing you out all over again. But of course, we could never have anticipated your meeting Finn.”
Abby was so caught up in the explanations that she’d almost forgotten that Finn had been the one to tell her the truth about her memory loss.
“Was he in on this too?” she asked carefully, although at the same time she was now pretty sure she knew the answer.
“No, of course not. Sure, you bumped into him that time in New York and none of us knew anything about him. God no,” Teresa went on, seemingly upset by the very notion. “He had nothing to do with it all and wasn’t he the one who helped you realise that there was actually something wrong?”
Heartened by the fact that there was still at least one person she could count on, Abby went on. “But when I found out from Finn that I was in fact losing memories, why didn’t you tell me then? Why continue with the charade?”
Teresa shook her head. “We talked to Hannah about it, and she felt that it was all still too fragile, and that if anything it might set you back even further. As it was, you were so taken with Finn and he with you that we also didn’t want to risk ruining the relationship. The two of you were so determined you could make this work…and the thing is you have. I’ll admit I was very worried at the start, and I really wanted to tell you the truth but as I said I couldn’t run the risk. What if you turned against us and didn’t believe that we were acting on your own wishes? In a way, I’m glad it’s all out in the open now.”
But Abby couldn’t share her mother’s feelings as just then, the actual significance of everything she’d told her hit her square in the solar plexus. And all her worries and insecurities about marrying Finn came rushing right back. How could they have a future if she could blackout at any stage and not remember a single thing about him or their relationship? No relationship could ever survive that surely? And in spite of Finn’s protests, she now knew for certain she that she couldn’t fight the memory loss, had never fought it, despite them both foolishly believing otherwise.
How could she expect him to live with that, to run the risk of knowing that at any stage in the future he could realistically be lost from her memory? What kind of life could they possibly have? Not a normal one, that was for sure. And Abby knew deep down that Finn was banking on her being able to fight this, that he’d convinced himself that the memory chest - the diaries and archives they were keeping and the photographs they’d taken would be enough. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that it might not work.
Now, that Abby knew the truth; that the two of them had been fooling themselves, she knew deep down that she couldn’t keep the reality from him.
And she realised now, she was even more terrified of how he was going to feel about it.
Chapter 37
Later that day, Abby entered Hannah’s cosy and familiar office, understanding now why she’d felt that very strong sense of déjà vu the first time she came here (or what she’d believed was the first time).
From behind the desk, Hannah studied her carefully.
“So now you know,” she said evenly.
Having learnt only some of the background surrounding the deceit from her mother, Abby had immediately phoned Hannah and asked to see her. And despite the fact that it was a Sunday and out of normal hours, the other woman agreed immediately.
“Now I know,” Abby said, her mouth set in a hard line, “and I want answers.”
Hannah got up and perched on the front of her desk. “What kind of answers?”
“Well for one thing, how did this come about? Why did it come about? Why did you and everyone else agree to lie to me and let a whole year disappear from my life without my knowing? What was the point?”
“What do you think was the point?”
“For goodness sake Hannah, just answer the question for once–please!” Abby collapsed into her usual armchair, except this time its warmth and softness didn’t give her any comfort. Her eyes shone with tears. “I’m going out of my mind here.”
At this, the psychologist looked genuinely remorseful. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Believe me, the last thing I wanted was for this to happen.”
“Then what did you want? What were you trying to achieve? Was it some kind of psychological experiment? Was I the lab rat–what?”
“Of course not–that wasn’t it at all.” Hannah looked horrified at the notion. She took her usual seat directly across from Abby. “You said your mother explained about the previous bouts of epilepsy?”
“In a way. She said that every time I had a seizure, my memory would lose everything that had happened since the accident.”
Hannah nodded. “We couldn’t figure it out at first–although the doctors knew it related to the damage to your hippocampus. It was only when they sent the scans to the States last year that we became aware of the other injury–that older one I tried to get to the bottom of before,” she added eying Abby steadily, “and the Americans concluded that this had to be having some effect or interaction with the latest one.”
Something that they’d been trying to tell into her all along, Abby thought.
“Back then, Doctor Moroney mentioned the case to me initially in passing. He was understandably concerned about the damage such an injury was having on your emotional state, and then after the first seizure, he insisted on your seeing me.”
She met her eyes. “Abby, you wouldn’t believe how angry and resistant to the idea you were back then. You were suspicious of the doctors of me, your family–everyone. It’s such a horrible, scary thing to happen to someone, losing chunks of your memory like that, and naturally enough you were finding it difficult to cope. But eventually I wore you down and you started confiding in me.”
Again, Abby found it difficult to get her head around the fact that she remembered absolutely nothing at all about any of this. It was a terrifying sensation.
“I don’t mind admitting that your condition intrigued me from the very beginning, and eventually, it got to the stage where I almost looked forward to our sessions. The damage to your brain was–is ” she clarified, meeting Abby’s gaze, “so unique that none of us knew what you might fail to remember from one day to the next.”
“So I was a lab rat then?” Abby said stubbornly.
“No, of course not, that’s not what I meant. I’m trying to explain how I eventually became almost as wrapped up in your condition than you were. We’d become very close you and I, as close as a doctor and patient can be. In a word, I’d say we’d become friends. I worried when you worried. I tried to be there for you and give you as much emotional assistance as you needed, but then, when you had the second seizure, we had to go through the same process all over again.
Once more, you were distressed and distrustful when you learnt from the doctors and your family what had happe
ned, and that you’d lost all memory since the accident, not once, but twice. You were of course wary around me too–I had to regain your approval to the point that you were comfortable discussing your feelings and condition with me.
But then, when you had the third seizure, and discovered that it was the third one, you started to lose hope altogether. Up until then, you’d started talking about maybe fighting it, trying to find a way to beat it somehow. But the third one took every ounce of fight out of you. As far as you were concerned any sort of effort in this regard was futile, because you were going to lose your memory again anyway. What was the point in trying to overcome it? What was the point in doing anything? You became depressed, and eventually you stopped coming to me altogether. As your psychologist I was concerned, but as your friend, I was worried and all I wanted to do was help.”
“So you decided to lie to me the next time I blacked out? And when I woke up, pretend that it was the first time it happened? How did that help anything?”
“No, we decided that together.”
“But why Hannah?” Abby said, shaking her head in bewilderment. “That’s the bit I really can’t understand, the bit that I’ve been trying to get my head around since I first found out about all this. What was the thinking behind it?
The psychologist took a deep breath. “Abby, how did you feel up to this morning–before you discovered the truth? Be honest, what would be your assessment of the last year?”
When Abby said nothing, Hannah decided to fill her in.
“Wouldn’t you say that it’s been wonderful? The best year of your life, possibly? You did so many amazing things, saw so many wonderful sights, reconnected with Erin and your family? Unlike the aftermath of the break-up with Kieran, you let them in, allowed them to help you get through this. But most significant of all–”
“I met Finn,” Abby added quietly.
“Yes, but furthermore you really believed there was a chance you could beat this,” Hannah went on. “You were sure you could beat it.”
Falling in Love in New York Page 32
