by Cecilia Fyre
Siobhan frowned. “Do you actually know each other? That’s even more messed up, then.”
“Not really. I only met her once. She…oh, Siobhan, I shouldn’t tell you, really. And it hardly matters now.”
“Go on.” Siobhan leaned closer. “I won’t breathe a word.”
So Lea told her what had happened on the night she had fallen down the stairs. When she’d finished Siobhan’s eyes were hard as steel. “I gather you never told him?”
“No. It didn’t seem… he was hurting so much after I lost the baby. I didn’t want to make him even sadder.” Even now, the memory of Ricco’s anguish made her heart ache. Her eyes filled with tears. She wiped them away impatiently. Siobhan’s gaze was kind and sympathetic.
“It’s the dumbest thing,” Lea said. “Even though I’m so angry and upset and hope I never see him again… I still worry about him.”
Siobhan took her hand. “It’s not dumb. He was very important to you for a while, and it sounds like it was really intense. Those feelings won’t disappear overnight. Sometimes we love and hate the same person equally. And only those we allow into our hearts can really hurt us. I really believe that.”
Lea nodded. Just talking to Siobhan made her feel better. “I shouldn’t ask, but… have you seen him?”
Siobhan nodded. “Once.”
Lea’s heart thudded. “How is he?”
Siobhan considered for a moment. “Not good. There was a show party in town last week. We couldn’t talk much, there were so many people there. But he looked bad. Tired, and puffy around the eyes. And dazed. He spent most of the time drinking and left early. Alone.” She emphasized the last word.
Lea wiped away more tears. "Oh, Siobhan. What happened to us? I don’t understand it. Why didn’t he just break up with me? It would’ve broken my heart, but then at least I’d know that… that he didn’t love me. Now I keep wondering, and can’t move on.”
Siobhan patted her arm and sighed. “Darling, I have a feeling he doesn’t know the answer to that question himself, either.”
5
“Today’s my lucky day.”
Lea looked up into a pair of velvet eyes. She smiled back automatically. With this gaze on her, she couldn't help it. She blushed crimson. “Hi, Jerome. Is the cast coming off today?”
“She remembers my name!” The handsome firefighter made a mock fist pump gesture with his good hand, making Lea grin.
“Is it healing well? Any pain?”
“Not after the first couple days,” Jerome said. “The doc upstairs said the cast will have given the tendons time to heal. I can’t wait for it to come off, though. Lots of things are damn hard when you can’t move your wrist.” His eyes widened. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
His embarrassment was endearing. Lea couldn’t help laughing. “Don’t worry about it,” she said once she’d recovered. “I needed that laugh.”
He grinned, still looking embarrassed. “So if I promise to make you laugh all night, will you agree to go out with me?”
That sobered Lea up, but only for a moment. Her heart made the decision before her head even had a chance to overthink. She nodded. “Actually, that would be great.”
Jerome looked briefly surprised, then pleased. “Great. How about this Friday? I can come and pick you up from here.”
“Sure. I finish at eight.”
“Perfect. Eight on Friday it is.” He beamed. “Make sure you’re hungry. I’ll take you to the best Italian restaurant in Manhattan.”
For the rest of the week, Lea made an effort to control her bingeing. Regular meals and good nutrition made her function better at work, and more pleasant to be around, too. She didn’t want to put Jerome off by being bitchy. He was handsome and funny, and she was looking forward to getting to know him.
And a date was what she needed to distract her from the misery that still bubbled up several times a day.
She brought her black dress to work on Friday, and changed out of her scrubs, showered, and got dressed before she went to the review meeting for the pain study. Those took place once a month on a Friday, to the chagrin of many of her colleagues. Usually, she didn’t care, but tonight she couldn’t wait for the presentation to come to an end. There were some raised eyebrows around the room when she turned up in civvies. Her colleagues frequently changed before this meeting to be bar-ready, but she never did. Despite the looks she got, nobody commented.
When Lea came down to reception after the meeting Jerome was already waiting. His eyes lit up as she approached. “You look great!” He kissed her cheek, and Lea’s stomach fluttered. She hadn’t felt this good in a long time.
“So, where’s that posh Italian place?”
Jerome grinned. “Who said anything about posh?” In his mouth, the exaggerated Britishism sounded sexy. “It’s in Little Italy.”
The squirming sensation that zipped through Lea this time wasn’t so pleasant. Little Italy bordered onto Chinatown, and the street where Ricco lived straddled both neighborhoods. So what? Would she avoid that area for all eternity now? She forced a smile. “I can’t wait to try it!”
Jerome put his hand in the small of her back The nurses at reception put their heads together, whispering. Lea couldn’t have cared less. For the first time in weeks, she actually felt good about herself.
“After dinner, we can see a movie,” Jerome said. “I hope that’s all right? I’m a traditional kinda guy.”
Lea smiled at him. “Works for me. Surprises are overrated.”
Jerome frowned. “Something happened to you, didn’t it?”
Lea was tempted to shrug off the question and tell a lie. But hadn’t lies gotten her into this mess in the first place? No more secrets.
But maybe not all the details just yet either. She stopped outside the hospital entrance. She couldn’t look at Jerome, but she wanted to tell him at least some of what had happened. “A few weeks ago, I broke up with my… with the last guy I was seeing. It wasn’t very nice. Pretty awful, actually, and I’m still not over it.” She glanced at him. "If that's a deal-breaker I totally understand."
Jerome’s eyes were gentle and sad. He reached for her hands and brought them up to his chest, holding on. “That guy’s an idiot, then. And if he hurt you in any way, then he doesn’t deserve you. But I’m also glad.” He smiled. “Now I get to have a chance. I’m a lucky guy.”
He leaned down and kissed her. Lea tensed, but when his arm came around her shoulders and he held her in a strong but gentle embrace she leaned into the kiss.
This felt right. And he was a good guy, she could tell. Maybe he could be more than a distraction.
They went into the subway holding hands. On the ride across town, Jerome told Lea about himself. He had a way with words, making his family and friends come alive. Lea listened to his tale about growing up with his gran in the Queens projects. She was so engrossed to hear about the life of a true New Yorker, she didn’t notice the stations flying by.
He was the oldest of five brothers. His mother worked two jobs to keep the family afloat. His father hadn’t been around much.
“My mom insisted I go to college. She never let me have a paper round or any kind of weekend job. Somehow she paid for private tutoring, all to help me get a scholarship at NYU. And it worked. I did two years of pre-law. But then 9/11 happened.
“I was supposed to go downtown for my first day of a work placement at a law firm. Never even made it past 110th Street. I got out at Central Park North, that’s where we were when all the trains stopped. I walked to the corner of Central Park, and we just stood there… those dust clouds, it was the scariest thing I’d ever seen. And those images, they just stayed with me. I’d never considered it before, but after that day, seeing what the firefighters had done for my city, it just wouldn’t let me go. You got no idea what it was like, Lea.”
They were sitting crammed into a narrow two-seater bench on one of the most ancient subway cars Lea had ever seen. Jerome stared at his folded ha
nds, lost in thought. She liked this thoughtful, contemplative side of him as much as the clownish, entertaining one. She inserted her fingers into his hands. He looked at her and smiled sadly.
“I was at UCLA then,” Lea said. “Seeing the whole thing on TV, it’s what made me want to specialize in emergency medicine. All these people, hurt and scared. I wanted to be at the front line, helping them. It’s such a cliché.”
He squeezed her hand. “No, babe, it’s not.”
They didn't speak much for the rest of the journey but continued to hold hands. At Prince Street, Jerome stood up. "Hey, let's get off here. It's a few blocks more, but a walk would be good. I love people-watching in this part of town."
They strolled past tourists looking lost, locals heading home from the Whole Foods Market, laughing about weird things in the window displays, all the while keeping their fingers entwined.
When Lea noticed that they were getting close to Ricco’s building, they were only a block away. Her heart beat faster, but she told herself not to be silly. He probably wasn’t even in the city, and even if he was, there were thousands of people here. Why would they run into him?
“Here we are.” Jerome turned to her, beaming. But something on her face must have given her away because he frowned. “Hey, you okay? Bet you’re hungry, huh?”
Lea nodded, trying to smile. Ricco’s building was down the street on the other side of the road, less than two hundred yards away.
She should just tell Jerome she wanted to go somewhere else. Why suffer through this, just for some Italian food?
But she didn’t say anything. She had to leave that chapter of her life behind. The break-up couldn’t dictate where in the city she could and couldn’t go.
Still, when they reached the restaurant Jerome had chosen for them Lea felt sick with misery.
It was right on the corner of Ricco’s block.
They were led to a good table by the window. The first twenty minutes Lea was in a complete daze. Should she still tell Jerome that she had changed her mind and could they please go somewhere else? Another thought crossed her mind. Was she secretly hoping for Ricco to appear? The possibility made her feel sick.
Jerome noticed nothing. “Is it okay if I order for us both? They have these excellent starters, we need at least four of them.” He was so excited to show off this food, she couldn’t bring herself to do anything other than smile.
“Sure.” Anything to keep him distracted. That she was out with a foodie who urged her to eat as much as she could of everything he ordered would have pleased her on any other night. Now, the thought of food made her queasy.
The longer they were at the restaurant the more miserable she became. Her initial panic that Ricco would turn up was soon replaced by the familiar thoughts of what had gone wrong with them. Peering out of the window, she could almost see the front step outside his building, past the Chinese menu printers and black bin bags. The memory of when she’d last stepped across it came flooding back.
How could she not have realized what he was doing?
How could he have hurt her so much?
And why had he not once tried to contact her? She hated herself for the thought, but it came anyway. When the starters came she picked at them listlessly.
The busboy had just cleared a few dishes when a voice from behind said, “Lea?”
It was Ricco. Lea’s insides froze.
It was like the set-up in a bad romance novel, where the heroine encounters the man who broke her heart and he repents, falling down on one knee, begging her forgiveness.
Except, of course, that wasn't what happened at all.
Lea dropped the piece of bread she was holding. Jerome, who had been describing the antipasti, stopped talking and looked around.
Ricco looked bad. The baseball cap was drawn low over his forehead, hiding eyes redder and puffier than Lea had ever seen them. His hair looked tangled and unwashed. Under his beat-up leather jacket, he wore the oldest, rattiest T-shirt he owned. He was in sweatpants, which he never wore outside the house.
He just stood there, looking at her, his eyes feverish. He kept twisting his hands into painfully tight knots. Lea had to fight the urge to get up and unclench his fingers.
“Lea.” Jerome touched her arm. She looked at him. His face showed his confusion.
Someone stepped up behind Ricco, taking him by the arm. It was Nick. He threw Lea a helpless glance, seeming to want to speak, but then thinking better of it. He took Ricco’s arm more tightly and tugged him toward the exit. “C’mon, time to go.”
Ricco didn’t resist. He staggered on the stoop and Nick put an arm around him. Was he sick, or maybe just drunk?
They passed the window, but Ricco didn’t look up. He seemed barely aware of where he was, but Lea couldn’t tear her eyes away. Jerome leaned toward her. Lea found it difficult to look at him.
“Was that…?” he asked in a low voice.
“Yes.” Her mouth was dry and the word almost didn’t make it out.
Jerome frowned. “Is he the guy who…?”
“Yes.” A sob was a lot more eager than the words to erupt from her throat, but she wouldn’t let it.
“Lea…wow—”
She had to get out of here or she’d lose it. She pushed back her chair and it skidded on the tiles with a clatter. “Will…will you take me home? Now?”
They hardly spoke on the subway. Lea was touched that Jerome had agreed to come with her. She wasn’t sure if she could have done the same if the roles had been reversed. When they got off the train he took her hand. Lea let him, but she still couldn’t meet his eyes. They walked along the dusky street in silence.
At her apartment building, Lea rummaged for her keys. She was startled out of her numbness when Jerome turned her gently by the shoulders. She reluctantly glanced up into his kind eyes.
“I’m sorry about what happened to you.” He took a deep breath. “It’s probably a terrible idea but… do you want me to stay the night?” He squeezed her arms. “No obligation, no tit for tat, all right? We can talk, or not. Your choice. Maybe watch some nonsense on the box.”
Lea’s eyes filled with tears. If circumstances were different, this guy would be perfect for her. He was so kind, and they had so much in common. When a tear spilled over and ran down her face Jerome wiped it away with a steady hand.
“I…” Lea’s voice cracked and broke. She cleared her throat. “I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“You’re not.” His hands were still on her arms, warm and reassuring. “I’m offering. Think of me as a friend who wants to help. Neither of us is taking advantage. But what does that even mean? We’re two consenting adults, we can do whatever we like. Why would we care what people think?”
“Why are you so nice?”
Jerome smiled. “Genetic predisposition, I guess.” He grinned as she gave a watery chuckle. “Make the most of it, we’re a dying breed.”
“Isn’t that the truth.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Good thing she hadn’t bothered with make-up.
He cupped her face, his gaze never leaving her. Through a haze of tears, Lea nodded.
Jerome kissed her. It was as gentle as he’d been all night. Lea’s heart hurt, and her despair did not diminish. She was glad to have him with her, and forget all else for a few hours. As they climbed the stairs to her apartment she clung to him, tears still running down her face.
6
His head was splitting in two. He was used to it, it hardly bothered him. And it wasn’t even migraine-bad. This was the fucking pills. They were really something else. The devil’s own. His big punishment.
He groaned, burying his burning forehead in the pillows. The room spun, almost as if he were back on that fucking yacht.
Okay, okay, it wasn’t just the pills. They were bad enough on their own. But this time, it was the booze, too. He should really know better. Why did he never learn?
When he had to, Ricco just about functioned. He tur
ned up where he was told. He’d been to Texas to film the last episode of the travel show. That had gone as well as could be expected. He’d enjoyed himself down there, with the bonfire, and messing around with the bulls on that ranch. And the mock rodeo on the last night had been wicked fun.
There were no memories of her in Texas. He could almost forget what had happened.
What he’d done.
How stupid he’d been.
His head gave a throb and he groaned again. And his stomach hurt so much. That was totally on the Elavil. Those damn migraine meds were intent on eating a hole right through his gut. He willed down the nausea.
His friends wanted him to stop with the Elavil, but he couldn’t. She’d told him to give it a try, and he owed her that. She knew about these things. And the awful pills were the last bit of her he had left. He couldn’t disappoint her again.
His doc. His baby girl.
No, not that. She’d told him she hated it, even before she’d caught him with— His head throbbed with the memory.
He hurt her so much. She didn’t deserve it.
She was the best thing that ever happened in his life and he fucked it all up.
He was a fucking loser. He didn’t deserve her.
But he deserved this. The pain, and the sickness. The pills were his punishment. The dizziness when he got up in the morning, the inability to concentrate on anything. The feeling of despair, the fear – all of it reminded him of what he’d done to the best woman who ever agreed to be with him.
Even the fact that he couldn’t cum while he was on the fucking meds was part of the punishment.
The fucking irony.
Seeing her had hurt as well. She’d been right here, right around the corner from his house. It was the universe wanting to punish him. He’d hurt her, now she was hurting him.
He didn't blame her.
And she deserved to be happy. He hoped she will be, with that guy she was with. If she agreed to go out with him then he had to be a good man. It wasn’t that hard, really, finding one better than himself.
