by Cecilia Fyre
They shouldn’t have used the restraints. That wasn’t just her heart speaking, though that hurt plenty at the sight. But unless he had been a danger to himself or others, this was out of line. Maybe he had been dangerous. Lea remembered the wild-eyed Ricco outside the jazz club but quickly pushed the uncomfortable thought away. They could deal with what he had and hadn't done to himself later.
Nick was upset enough. She needed him to stay calm so he could continue helping Ricco, otherwise, she couldn't remain on the fringes.
She studied the still body on the bed. Ricco’s face was waxy pale, and even in the drugged sleep, there was a deep crease of pain on his forehead. Two spots of color high in his cheeks told Lea that he had a fever. Her hands twitched. She wanted to rush to his side and put a cool cloth on his aching head, as she’d done so many times before.
Below the oxygen mask, his chin was smudged with charcoal. Some of it had run down his neck and stained the front of his hospital-issue nightgown. Lea frowned. They didn’t use gastric lavage on tricyclic OD patients in her ER. There was no evidence that it did enough good to risk possible complications of the procedure.
Caught up in her musings Lea missed the first signs of Ricco stirring. When he started moving his head, she retreated back into the corridor, stumbling a little. She leaned against the wall out of sight of the door, heart pounding. Nick looked confused. He closed the door quietly. “You’re not going in?”
“I…I can’t.” She gulped air, trying to calm the thudding in her chest. “But you should stay with him. And take those restraints off him.” She pushed away from the wall. “I’ll talk to the Psych team. No promises, though.” She gave Nick a stern look. “I’ll call you when I know more.”
“You’re not coming back?” He sounded panicked.
Lea shook her head, heart aching in her chest. “I’m helping with the doctors, sure. But this.” She motioned at the door behind which Ricco was now probably awake. “He has to get out of this himself. If he overdosed on purpose—”
“He didn’t!” Nick’s expression was defiant.
Lea ignored him. “He needs to not want to die, Nick. I can’t do that for him.”
“Lea?” The tension in Nick’s voice over the phone was the same as before. “Did you manage to talk them out of it?”
“I did. I’m still upstairs. Hang on.” Lea walked along the corridor leading from the psych ward. When she’d gotten her bearing, she said, “I talked to the psychiatrist.” He shouldn’t have discussed Ricco with her, but here they were. It had become abundantly clear that for Ricco she would go the extra mile, whatever they were to each other. “Ricco has to stay in the hospital for a few days.” Before Nick could protest she forestalled him. “It won't be in the psych ward, don't worry. I checked with general, they have a private room available. The pills he took are very dangerous. The Elavil will stay in his body for a long time. He could take a turn for the worse at any moment, and you want to be right where the doctors can help if that happens. A couple of days, at the very least. Nick, this is important, you need to make sure he stays put.”
“I get it, I get it!” Nick sounded scared. “I’ll make sure he stays… Christ!”
Lea couldn’t help but be relieved that he was showing fear. She seemed to have finally gotten through to him. “Psych still wants to examine him, though. Someone will come down to the ER soon. I've already half-convinced them it was an accidental OD.”
“It was!”
“I wish I had your faith,” she sighed. “It doesn’t matter what I think, anyway. Ricco will have to convince the psychiatrist, not me.”
“Good thing that that’s how we earn our living,” Nick said with heavy sarcasm. “Convincing other people that what we’re saying is the truth is our biggest strength.”
“And you think that’s a good thing?” She couldn’t help it, the barbed question just slipped out.
There was a pause, then a sigh. “No, I don’t.”
Lea switched the phone to her other ear. She needed to get Nick to see this her way if they were going to be any help at all to Ricco. “He needs professional help, Nick. I tried to get him into therapy, but I don’t think he stuck with it.”
“You gotta try again.” Nick sounded desperate.
“No, Nick, not me. He needs to want it himself, and commit to it by making the arrangements in person. I can send you some contact details for therapists, but he’s got to initiate it himself.”
“He’d do it for you.” Nick seemed close to tears. “Lea, he talks about nothing but you. He’d do anything for you.”
“But don’t you see?” Lea was getting frustrated. “I’m part of the problem, Nick. I can’t be the solution, it doesn’t work like that.”
There was only silence on the other end. Finally, Nick disconnected the call.
Lea felt for him, she really did. He wanted to help his friend. So did she. But she knew that sometimes the best thing to do was to back off.
8
Not contacting Nick to check on Ricco was incredibly hard. But Lea fought the urge and even started leaving her phone in her locker again. That didn’t work, though. Her head would fill with a terrible sense of dread and she couldn’t concentrate on her patients. Not that she expected Nick to call her since she'd made it clear that she was done helping Ricco. Still, after a couple of shifts, she gave up and started carrying the phone in her lab coat again.
Someone else had become a regular caller, so it wasn’t all bad to carry her phone around. Siobhan had called her after the episode at the hospital. “I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hear it over the grapevine,” she had said without much of a preamble. “I’m not all that interested in what happened with Ricco, but are you okay?”
After that they spoke every night, or whenever they could fit it around work. Lea was grateful for her friend’s concern, and Siobhan shared with Lea anything she heard about Ricco. But there wasn’t much to report.
"He's gone off the radar for the most part," she told Lea. "He's canceled some promotional appearances. He seems to be staying at home, taking it easy. But I know he's done some phone interviews for podcasts and so on, so he's not totally incommunicado."
Lea tried not to let thoughts of Ricco rule her entire life. She threw herself into work. The data from the pain study was finally coming in, and she spent long evenings on statistical programs, checking their findings against literature and liaising with the different researchers involved at the various first response units. She found the work fascinating and diverting, and was glad to mix her clinic routine up, especially considering her current state of mind.
She also went out with Siobhan and her friends a few times, to the theater, and to dinner. They were all professional women, many of them working in TV or theater, and their company was uplifting. Laughing and chatting with them on a night out was the best way to dispel any thoughts of Ricco and his issues.
Several weeks after Ricco’s overdose, Lea’s phone rang just when she’d parked her car in the hospital garage.
“Hi Lea, it’s Siobhan. I’m sorry I haven’t called in a couple of days. I was out of town.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Lea said, touched as always that her friend was so conscientious. “Is everything okay?”
“Oh yes, everything’s fine. I just wanted to let you know first-hand. I’ve just come home from the Rockefeller Center. We taped an interview for Jimmy Fallon.”
Something in her voice made Lea guess what she was going to say next. Her legs felt wobbly and she quickly steadied herself with one hand against the wall by the elevators. Her heart was beating fast. “He was there, wasn’t he?” Was that why Siobhan hadn’t called? She’d known she would see Ricco soon and didn’t want to have to lie to Lea? She didn’t hear Siobhan’s response, her heart was beating too loudly in her ears.
“Lea, are you still there?”
“What?” Lea tried to clear her head. Siobhan must’ve asked a question, and she’d missed it.
&n
bsp; “I think we should watch the show together,” Siobhan repeated. “It’s on tonight.”
Lea wanted to demur. She didn't feel like even thinking about her friend seeing Ricco and not telling her. She wanted to forget she'd ever met any of these people. Instead, she said, "All right. What time is it on? And you better bring some wine."
During the day she tried to convince herself that she’d made the right choice. Now that she knew Ricco would be on TV she would watch the show regardless. She wouldn’t be able to resist. And not being alone was preferable. She just had to pretend a little harder that Ricco didn’t matter to her. The fact that even her friends knew that she wasn’t over him was a little alarming.
Siobhan arrived at nine, bringing not only the promised wine but also pizza in an enormous flat carton.
“Are you trying to put me into a food coma so I don’t throw the telly out of the window?” Lea eyed the pizza box on her living room table. She had tried her best not to stuff her face, but tonight seemed like the perfect excuse. "I'll get glasses and napkins.” She retreated to the kitchen before Siobhan could reply.
When she returned to the living room Siobhan had opened the wine. She indicated the pizza. “I had them make different sections, with a bit of everything. I forgot to check if you’re vegetarian, but one quarter is just veggies.”
“Not a vegetarian, no.” Lea couldn’t get over the size of the pizza, which smelled delicious. “This is the biggest pizza I’ve ever seen.”
Siobhan grinned. “Welcome to America. Incredible as it sounds, that’s not even the biggest one they had.”
That made Lea laugh. “Thank you for taking pity on my European sensibilities, then.”
Lea filled both glasses generously from the bottle. Siobhan raised hers. “To an evening of surprises.” And when Lea looked dubious, she added, “You won’t be sorry, once you see the interview.”
“I’m trying hard to believe it.” Lea gave a sigh.
Siobhan petted her elbow. “I know, love. Now, let’s eat that beast before it gets cold.”
Lea nodded. She doubted that she could eat a single bite with her stomach all knotted but, but once they started she realized how hungry she was. They ate pizza and drank wine and talked about all kinds of things. Lea’s mind frequently returned to the reason they had gotten together that night and her words dried up in her mouth. But somehow Siobhan kept a conversation going. When they’d eaten as much as they could, Siobhan looked at her watch. “It’s almost time. Better turn on the television.”
Heart hammering, Lea obliged. They sat silently through the beginning of the show, watching Jimmy introduce his guests and crack jokes, until the first commercial break.
“We’re on next,” Siobhan said. Lea pulled her feet up onto the sofa and hugged her quilted throw around herself. She felt suddenly cold.
Jimmy came back onto the screen and Lea balled her hands into fists under the quilt.
“They’ve been on air for almost eight years, and they’re more popular than ever…”
Lea looked at Siobhan, swallowing down the lump in her throat. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Siobhan came to sit by Lea's side. She gently untangled Lea's fingers from the quilt. "Yes, you can. And you'll thank me later.” She nodded at the screen. “Here he is.”
Ricco looked better than he had in a long time. His eyes were no longer puffy and he looked rested. Despite everything, seeing him look well took a weight off Lea’s shoulders.
Siobhan and Miyoko came in behind Ricco and sat on the studio’s sofa. Lea half-listened as Miyoko told Jimmy about her play. Siobhan was still holding her hand, and Lea clung on for dear life.
The next question was for Siobhan. The Siobhan sitting next to her squeezed Lea’s hand. “I die this week,” Siobhan said. Lea turned around.
“Oh no! I’m sorry!”
Siobhan waved her off. “It’s all right. I knew when it would happen before I even signed the contract. It’s part of the acting career.” She grimaced. “Some of us take it better than others.”
“I don’t know how you do it.” Lea shook her head. “I couldn’t work like that, ripped away from my work, and my colleagues every few months.”
Siobhan raised an eyebrow. “But you did the same thing. You moved away from everything you knew, away from your family, friends, for good. I couldn’t do that.”
Lea had an answer ready for that. “I don’t have any family left. It was just my mum and me, and she passed away from cancer a few years ago. Anyway, my work is really important to me.”
Siobhan patted her hand again. “There you have it.” She motioned at the TV. “Hold that thought, it’ll help you understand him. Ricco puts up with all of it because he loves what he does.” On the TV, the camera returned to Ricco. “Here we go.”
Jimmy was speaking. “Hi Ricco, how are you?”
“Really good, Jimmy, and you?”
“Good, good, thanks for asking. We’ll talk about your travel show in a minute, but before that…” Jimmy faced the camera. “Ricco has a very special message for his fans tonight.”
The camera swung to Ricco.
It was strange to have Ricco look directly into the camera. Lea had the disconcerting feeling that he was looking straight at her through the lens. Ricco fidgeted and cleared his throat. Despite being a pro at camera work, this seemed to make him nervous. “Hi, uh… This is weird, but I… There are rumors about me being seriously ill. Look for yourself now...it’s not true.” He pointed at himself with a nervous laugh. “But I did have some health stuff going on.” There was another pause, but no laugh this time. “I get these migraines, and recently it got real bad. But I’m much better. I have a new treatment regime, and it’s made all the difference. I just wanted to let you all know that I’m not dying, and I’m not in rehab. Thanks for all the well wishes and support. It means so much, you got no idea.”
He paused again and looked down. It seemed like he was done and the camera would swing away. But then his eyes focused on the lens again.
“I’m better now than I’ve been in a long time. My…someone close to me set me straight, and showed me how fucked up I’d let stuff get. I…I wish I'd listened to her better before it was too late. She saved my life.”
Ricco looked away, but before the camera swung back to Jimmy it caught a tear glistening at the corner of his eye.
Jimmy cleared his throat. “Heavy stuff, Ricco. Glad you’re better now." The cameras changed to a wide-angle, and Jimmy switched to the next topic smoothly. “But you told me you’ve been working on your new show through all of this. Tell us—"
Siobhan turned the TV off. Lea asked, “Did you know he was going to do that?”
Siobhan shook her head. “I don’t think anybody knew. I looked online when I got home, and my god, the internet is buzzing with rumors of him being on death’s door. I hadn’t realized that all this had been going on. There are paparazzi pictures of him leaving the hospital with Nick, then he canceled a couple of cons and postponed the filming of the next episode of the bike show.”
“I don’t look online anymore.”
“And that’s a good thing, believe me!” Siobhan exclaimed.
Lea didn’t really want an answer to her next question, but her curiosity was too strong. “Is…is there anything about me…about us…online?”
Siobhan nodded. “A little. People seem to think that whatever you two had is over.”
“They got that much right, at least.” Lea rubbed her face.
Siobhan’s expression was inscrutable. “Do they, though? Lea, you dropped everything the moment he needed you.”
“Oh, Siobhan.” Lea leaned back with a sigh. She wanted this night to be over, have time to think.
Siobhan cleared her throat. “I have a confession.” She looked worried. “I didn’t make any promises, but…”
Lea looked up. Her insides felt very cold. What had her friend said to Ricco?
Siobhan seemed to read her mind. “
We didn’t really talk about you. He just held me back after the recording. I wasn’t going to talk to him at all, but he looked so sad. He asked me if we were still in touch.”
“What’s the message, then?” Better to get it over with quickly.
“It’s what you’d expect, but Lea…he really meant it, I could tell…” Siobhan’s gaze was intent. “He said ‘Tell her that I’m sorry, and tell her I’ll always love her’.”
9
Siobhan took a cab home shortly after that, even though Lea would have liked her to stay. “I’ll sleep on the sofa, it’s quite comfy, and you can have the bed.”
“It’s not that.” Siobhan buttoned her coat. “I’m meeting my agent tomorrow morning at an ungodly hour.” She glanced at her watch and grimaced. “Actually, today.”
Lea winced. “Sorry about keeping you up so late.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Siobhan patted her arm. “I wanted to be here for it.”
Lea hesitated, then hugged her friend tightly. “Thanks so much, for everything.”
“My pleasure. Just promise you’ll think about what we discussed, okay?”
Lea bit her lip but nodded. When she closed the door she heard her friend’s words again. “Give him another chance. He deserves it.”
Lea sighed and went into the bedroom. She threw her cardigan over a chair and began to undress while her mind was still on Ricco’s speech on Jimmy Fallon.
Had she really saved his life? No, he had done that himself. It seemed that he was finally getting the help he needed. The overdose, whether it had been deliberate or not, must have put a proper fear into him.
Would she ever find out whether he had meant to hurt himself?
Did it even matter?
And should she do as Siobhan had suggested? Did Ricco deserve another chance?
He had hurt her so much, and there really was no excuse for that. When he’d first started cheating, he’d not even been taking Elavil. He had simply been an asshole. As a grown man he should be held accountable for his actions.
