by Alex Wellen
I study her. “And I promise to respect and trust you,” I say, calming down. I slip the wedding band on where the engagement ring used to sit. “I promise to tell you ‘I love you.’ To make you laugh at least once a day. I promise to hold your hand through the night. To be your ally, your best friend, and your family.”
“Here’s the deal,” Principal Martin says, hamming it up for the crowd. “When they kiss, I want everyone to jump up and down, and make as much noise as possible.”
The crowd leans in. A few pop up prematurely. Lara and Sid brace, too.
“Ready … set … you’re married,” he says like magic. “Kiss!”
We do, and as we hold that kiss, trying not to laugh, Paige and I take in the strangest assortment of animal chants, screams, and cries. Ooh, ahh, ooh, bleh, blah, bleh—Paige and I run through the crowd—we’re married.
Waiting to take us to the reception is a shiny white Cadillac ambulance decorated in white flowers and red ribbons. “Just Married” is sprayed across the back window. Manny is tightly buttoned up in a light gray three-piece suit. Sporting a black limousine driver’s cap for added effect, he opens the door for Paige. I meet her inside the delivery truck from the other side.
Wedged on the floor between the front and backseat is a sterling silver bucket packed with ice and a bottle of champagne.
Manny flips on the surround sound. “I’ve put together a special little mix tape, just for lovers,” he says, dropping his voice. “Aw-yeah.”
The clapping beat from the synthesizer kicks in. Paige starts grooving out, shimmying her shoulders. In rhythm, I begin to unwrap the champagne cork.
Marvin Gaye is “hot just like an oven,” he “needs some lovin’,” and apparently the only thing that’s going to help that feeling? You guessed it.
Sexual healing.
Maybe it’s the build of the car or the pitch of the Berkeley Hills, but the next turn comes up on us quickly. The three of us gently tip to the left with the music. I’ve barely got the wire restraint off the champagne cork when it fires, skimming my right temple and ricocheting around the cab.
The three of us let out a collective gasp.
“Get up, get up, get up, get up, let’s make love tonight.”
Paige and I stare at one another wide-eyed. I slowly reach up and touch my right eye to confirm it’s still there.
“Almost bought the farm there,” I say nervously.
“J’yeah,” she snort-laughs. “You know what you need?”
“And when I get that feeling,” Marvin Gaye sings. I nod my head, and tell her, “I need … Chew-bacca, Chew-bacca.”
“Chew-bacca … Chew-bac,” she and I then scream in unison. Manny doesn’t get it, but he’s thrilled to join in.
GREGORY’S creditors managed to sell his home within forty-eight hours of placing it on the market. Brianna McDonnell was right—as one of the last affordable locations in the Bay Area, Crockett is experiencing true revitalization.
The creditors directly handled the sale, but because Paige knows all the real estate brokers in town, she was able to exert some influence. At least ten buyers came through the house that weekend, one outbidding the next, and yet Paige made sure the right family closed the deal on her childhood home. The Linders are from New Jersey. They have two little boys, Morgan, seven, and Harry, three. Mr. Linder is a carpenter. Mrs. Linder has been hired as the new social studies teacher at Willow High.
They’ll make this their happy little home, Paige assured us.
Between what we paid the creditors, the money from the Rite Aid agreement, and the sale on the house, the bank and credit card companies will end up getting the bulk of what they’re owed.
The Linders take possession October 1, the same day we move into the Waterfront Oasis lofts. As a wedding gift, Ruth Mulrooney agreed to sublet us one of the condos at next to nothing. It’s on the third floor and looks directly out on the Carquinez Strait. I love the fact that our warehouse stands just feet from the very patch of sand where Paige and I first got to second base.
The new address will cut down on Paige’s commute by three minutes. Paige should know in the next couple of weeks whether the news station will bring her on full-time. Her prospects look promising, especially seeing as she’s now doing more general assignment work. Paige has already started looking at other local markets for TV work, too. We plan to stay in Crockett, at least for the foreseeable future. This is our home. This is our family. I’m still not sure who was more thrilled the day Ruth offered us this oasis on the waterfront, Ruth or Paige. The two of them literally grabbed hands and started jumping up and down together in a circle. Not even our wedding day may have compared.
Under the Rite Aid contract, we were permitted a “one-day fire sale.” As a gesture of gratitude for everything he’s done, I dusted off one of our sleek black knock-off Montblanc fountain pens and gave it to Manny. The replacement ink cartridges will cost him twice what the pen’s worth, but Manny didn’t mind. In return, Manny spent the afternoon selling everything else inside that glass display case, including the case itself. He’s quite the salesman. I wish Gregory could have seen Manny in action. Just amazing. Everyone pitched in that day, including all four members of Sid’s former drug cartel. Hundreds of buyers came from as far as Sacramento. The over-the-counter drugs, toiletries, candy, and magazines alone raked in about $3,000.
Pharmacy keepsakes and souvenirs brought in another grand. From a small chunk of the honeycomb floor to an antique glass bottle, from the soda fountain to that cherry red, four-hundred-pound, fifteen-foot “Days Pharmacy” sign (no apostrophe and all), nearly everything sold. Of the pictures on the walls, a few we gave away, but most of them we kept, including the one of Lydia serving daughters Lara, nine, and Paige, seven, root beer floats, as well as the one where you can spot my parents in the crowd at the Day’s Pharmacy ribbon-cutting ceremony.
Right before the fire sale, Rite Aid came in and confiscated all of our sealed prescription drugs. For the remaining open inventory, federal law requires us to dispose of the drugs “in such a way as to render them unfit for human consumption.” After barely escaping criminal prosecution by Blue Cross of California, we probably shouldn’t have pushed our luck, but given our comfort level with felonies, we decided to forgo “full compliance.” We handed out the remaining drugs to the two dozen or so stragglers who still needed weaning off the Day Co-Pay program.
While Sid tries to help each of them find an affordable insurance program, we plan to help subsidize the remaining hardship cases with the money Belinda identified. Even if they’re forced to pay full price for some of their drugs, Lara estimates that $7,000 could cover at least 150 prescriptions—that’s an average of four prescriptions per straggler over the next three months. We’ll see if it works. We’ve begun calling the new, completely legal interim drug plan “The Belinda Bargain.”
Come the end of the day, guilt got the better of Brandon Mills, and he forked over $1,000; but even that money, combined with the estate and fire sales, didn’t quite cover everything. It was the Baby Me Products check that covered the last of the wedding costs.
I applied to engineering school last week. Sid wrote me a recommendation. If admitted, I start next spring. Applying to college meant declining Rite Aid’s full-time offer, but I was able to refer another eminently qualified pharmacy technician: Stinky Stanley. It was my way of returning the favor after he deejayed our wedding. So long as the hiring manager catches Stan on a relatively rank-free day, the gig is his for the taking.
Belinda passed on a Rite Aid job, too. She’s decided that she’s done doing drugs (her words). Belinda and Cleat plan to spend the next two months driving cross-country. Cleat says he wants to film every step of the deterioration of their relationship, if and when that happens. He’s already writing his acceptance speech for Sundance. When they return, Belinda says she may get her certification in public accounting. Switching professions was actually Marylyn’s idea. Lara’s been able to offe
r Belinda plenty of career advice.
Lara went back to Los Angeles right after the wedding to resuscitate her small accounting firm. She says she’s hiring and needs good, cheap labor. I relish the vision of Belinda and Lara back in business together.
While I’m not accepting a permanent job with Rite Aid, I will spend the next few months transitioning the company over. That mostly means bringing the new staff up to speed on our quirky yet lovable clientele. Given that they’re keeping our street address and our customer records, we expect most of our patrons to stay on. Working three, maybe four months at Rite Aid is what it’s going to take to pay off what I still owe on Paige’s engagement ring.
At the new pharmacy I’ll also spend some time training the younger pharmacists on the lost art of compounding, thanks to Gregory’s notebook. I’ll do it for the sake of our patrons, for future Crockett generations, for Gregory, but mostly for me.
United States Patent [19]
Day et al.
[11] Patent Number: 7,079,454
[45] Date of Patent: July 7, 2009
[54] MEDICATION LOZENGE PACIFER
[76] Inventors Gregory A. Day, 342 Alhambra St., Crockett, CA 94525; Andrew B. Altman, The Waterfront Oasis, 45 Loring Ave., Bldg. B, Apt. 24, Crockett, CA; Sidney S. Brewster, 341 Alhambra St., Crockett, CA.
[73] Assignee: Baby Me Products, 56 Fairfax Drive, Arlington, VA 22202
[21] Appl. No.: 10/741,524
[22] Filed: November 14, 2007
[51] Int. Cl ……………… A61J 7/00; A61J 17/300
[52] U.S. Cl ………………………. 606/231; 606/233
[58] Field of Search ………………… 215/11.1-11.6;
606/222-238; 604/99
[56] References Cited
U.S PATENT DOCUMENTS
3,426,755 5/1989 Clegg ……………… 128/360
4,786,648 1/1989 Cease ………………… 606/236
4,862,159 9/1989 Lindenberger ………… 606/236
5,109,482 4/1992 Bohrman ……………. 606/236
5,123,915 6/1992 Miller ……………… 606/234
5,176,705 1/1993 Noble …………… 606/234
D375,835 2/1997 McGovern ………. D24/194
D380,290 6/1997 Reiter …………….D24/194
6,121,578 1/2000 Trimble ……………. 606/236
6,197,644 3/2001 Clay …………… 606/236
FOREIGN PATENT DOCUMENTS
1103008 9/2005 France ……………… 606/236
0761251 4/1996 Italy ……………… 606/236
0513666 1/1991 United Kingdom …………… 606/236
Primary Examiner—Steven R. Kosach
Assistant Examiner—Owen Thompkins
[74] Attorney, Agent, or Firm—Allan Fanucci, Winston &
Strawn LLP
[57] ABSTRACT
A medical pacifier constructed to receive and administer a lozenge medication (11). The device comprises a nipple of porous yet resilient material (10) with a reservoir chamber (13) used to hold in place and contain the solid and excess liquid form of the drug. The back of the mouth guard (23) serves as a base for the child safety cap (26) that secures the back end of the reservoir (28) as well as prevents the lozenge from becoming a choking hazard. The device ensures the infant or child is delivered a steady flow of the proper dosage while avoiding spillage, leakage, and waste.
6 Claims, 3 Drawing Sheets
Inventors Appendix
IF I know you, and you’re like me, you spend most of your spare time trolling government Web sites in search of newly issued patents covering notably peculiar gadgets. Some of the inventions I came across in my many years of scouring the Internet made cameos in this book, while others—e.g., the bladeless windshield wipers, the automated plant watering system, the talking cane, and the adjustable heels—were products of my imagination. A quick shout-out to a few true inventors and fellow soul mates:
Candy ring
U.S. Patent No. D242,646 for a “Combined Candy and Ring” (similar to the one in Chapter 1 and throughout) was issued to Arthur T. Horin of New York, New York, and Stan Hart of Beverly Hills, California, on December 7, 1976 and assigned to Topps Chewing Gum Inc.
Tripod ladder
U.S. Patent No. 6,874,598 B1 for an “Ergonomically Improved Tripod Stepladder” (referenced in Chapter 5) was issued to William H. Baker of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, on April 5, 2005.
Wearable dog umbrella
U.S. Patent No. 6,871,616 B2 for a “Pet Umbrella and Combined Pet Leash and Umbrella” (referenced in Chapter 5) was issued to Irina Zhadan-Milligan and Yuri Zhadan of New York, New York, on March 29, 2005.
Side-access sneakers
U.S. Patent No. 6,874,255 B2 for “Side Entry Footwear” (also referenced in Chapter 5) was issued to Noam Bernstein of Omer, Israel, on April 5, 2005.
Tactile watch
On July 18, 2006, I was issued U.S. Patent No. 7,079,454 for the type of tactile timepiece pictured in Chapter 13.
Pill ring
U.S. Patent No. D451,422 S for a “Ring Incorporating a Compartment for a Pill” (the inspiration for the ring in Chapter 20) was issued to Florence E. Wenrich of Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, on January 4, 2001.
Pill-water thermos
U.S. Patent No. 6,419,081 B1 for a “Combined Pill and Water Container” (referred to in Chapter 22) was issued to Edward N. Ross of Fiddlewood, Louisiana, on July 16, 2002.
Medicated pacifier #1
U.S. Patent No. 3,426,755 for a “Medicine Feeder” (similar to the pacifier in Chapter 22 and quoted from in Chapter 29) was issued to Jesse M. Clegg from Dequincy Louisiana, on February 11, 1969.
Medicated pacifier #2
U.S. Patent No. 5,123,915 for a “Medicated Pacifier” (along the lines of the patent in the Epilogue) was issued to Lawrence and Jeffrey Miller from Oldwick, New Jersey, on June 23, 1992.
Medicated pacifier #3
U.S. Patent No. 5,176,705 for a “Medication Dispensing Pacifier” (also similar to the patent in the Epilogue) was issued to David E. Noble from Sewickley Pennsylvania, on January 5, 1993.
For a closer look at some of these inventions as well as others I abandoned for one reason or another (and why), visit me at AlexWellen.com or EurakaProductions.com
Acknowledgments
TOP billing goes to The Oracle, who read countless drafts and offered brilliant, critical, thoughtful advice and edits every step of the way. This book would have been impossible without my mother’s insight.
To Kris, the kindest person I know. Thank you for the boundless support and endless sacrifices. I wish I could write faster. I appreciate you not divorcing me. Some people don’t realize it, but if you rearrange the letters in “Paige,” subtract the P, A, G, and E, and add K, R, and S, you get “Kris”—my inspiration.
To my late father-in-law, Robert, and my sister-in-law, Sharon, two of the loveliest people I’ve ever known. You immediately welcomed me into your family and I love you.
To Shaye Areheart and Jenny Frost, my publishers, who challenged and encouraged me to embark on this first book of fiction. To Kate Kennedy, the wisest and most dedicated of editors; she immediately understood the message of the story and the sensibility of the characters. She has made me a better writer and this novel a far better book.
To Richard Morris, my agent and consigliere. Everyone needs a champion and partner; we truly have a ball writing books together.
To Po Bronson and The Writers Grotto. I feel so nostalgic and grateful for those magical two years in San Francisco, working full-time at the writer’s collective, feeding off such brilliant authors.
Because people say this, and I may never get an opportunity in this lifetime: I would also like to thank the Academy and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
Last, but not least, everyone else. Writers, readers, editors, and cheerleaders alike: Hugs and kisses to The Optimist, Nathaniel Cash, Mike and Laura, Carolyn Disbrow, CNN, Maryanne Ortel, Vendela Vita, Jake Morrissey
Sally Kim, Dave Rubin, Allan Fanucci, John Trimble, Olen Creech, my pharmacist advisers Alan Weickert, Neil Spector, and Diana Leong, and the charming and welcoming residents of Crockett, California.
About the Author
ALEX WELLEN is a writer, inventor, and Emmy Award-winning television producer for CNN who lives in Washington, D.C., with his wife and son. He is a New York Times contributor and has written for numerous national publications and appeared on a wide range of syndicated television and radio programs. On September 18, 2006, through an act of God, Wellen won the much-revered New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest.
He is the author of the critically acclaimed non-fiction memoir Barman. Lovesick is his first novel.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2009 by Alex Wellen
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Wellen, Alex.
Lovesick / Alex Wellen.—1st ed.
p. cm.
1. College students—Fiction. 2. Pharmacists—Fiction. 3. Family-owned business enterprises—Fiction. 4. Drugstores—Corrupt practices—Fiction. I. Title.
PS3623.E4665L68 2009
813′.6—dc22 2008051148
eISBN: 978-0-307-45995-4
Technical illustrations by Richard J. Gathercole
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