by Chris Fabry
Ray woke up and pointed at the buildings. When she hadn’t heard from Jed, Rose picked a family restaurant off I-75 and Ray ordered pancakes. It didn’t matter what time of day, he was always ready for pancakes or peanut butter. And peanut butter pancakes were his favorite. While it wasn’t the healthiest dinner in the world, she didn’t object—but she did draw the line when he wanted to order soda.
Her phone rang just as their order arrived. “Hey, sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner; it’s been crazy,” Jed said. “We got here late and the sound check was horrible.”
“I understand,” Rose said. “We’re at dinner now, so we’ll just see you there.”
“I have tickets waiting for you at the front, okay?”
“Great. Do you think we could stay overnight? With you?”
Jed hesitated. “Uhh, sure. I think the room is big enough.”
“It’s just that it’ll take a while getting out of there tonight and then at least two hours back home—”
“Absolutely, let’s do it. Just plan on staying.”
“Is Daddy excited to see us?” Ray said after she hung up. He had syrup and whipped cream on his face. She hadn’t realized there was going to be whipped cream on his pancakes.
“Real excited,” she said. “Our tickets are waiting when we get there.”
Rose picked at her salad, then paid the bill and drove the rest of the way. Her heart felt like her stomach, empty and dissatisfied. The tickets were at the box office, like Jed had said, but he didn’t come outside to see them.
When they were seated, Stan made his way to the front. He hugged her and gave a Hollywood kiss.
“I’m sorry about your dad’s passing,” he said. “I know it weighed heavy on Jed these last weeks, being away and all.”
“He said he was going to make it to Cincinnati. We’ve been hanging on for tonight.”
Stan’s eyes shifted like he didn’t know what Rose was talking about, like there were more dates booked and she hadn’t heard. But maybe it was just the past and all the hurt and loneliness coming up that made her unsure.
“You’re a real trouper,” Stan said. “Enjoy the show.”
She didn’t really care for Shelby’s opening act, but when Jed walked onstage and the crowd reacted, her heart fluttered. She could see why he enjoyed performing. He’d come a long way since the harvest festival.
But something was off in his performance. Something about his eyes, the way he moved, the hollow nature to his voice. Instead of seeming alive and invigorated, he almost looked high.
“There’s Daddy!” Ray yelled as the people got to their feet.
“That’s him,” Rose said, and she felt sad in a strange way. The things Denise had said kept coming back to her, and as she watched him sing “The Song,” a little part of her died. When she’d first heard it on their honeymoon, on the morning after their wedding, it had sprung from his heart and felt fresh and new. Now, the sound was fine, the harmonies good—the band played it impeccably—but his heart wasn’t in it.
Or maybe it was her own heart that had stopped responding.
CHAPTER 40
JED STOPPED at Shelby’s dressing room for something to take the edge off his anxiety. He hadn’t passed out or anything, but he could feel himself tightening. He had some pills back in his hotel room, but he felt like he needed something right then.
Shelby was packing up her makeup and seemed preoccupied. “Congratulations,” she said.
“What for?”
“You managed to eke out ‘The Song’ tonight.” She didn’t look at him. “I’m sure she was thrilled.”
“Shel, we’ve talked about this. You said you would give me some time. That you understood how hard this would be.”
“I said what you wanted me to say.” She looked at him with hurt in her eyes.
“I want you to tell me the truth.”
“All right. The truth is this—”
Someone passed them and Jed stepped in and closed the door. “Go ahead.”
“The truth is, I can’t understand why you don’t want to be happy. Why you want to live with one foot in obligation and the other foot in this world. Our world.”
“I do want to be happy. And I’m going to choose that. But I need some time—”
“Time to what? To keep stringing me along? Playing second fiddle? I won’t do that forever, Jed.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Then do it tonight. Tell her the truth. That it’s over. You want out.”
“I can’t do that tonight.”
Shelby stood and moved toward him. He thought she was going to slap him. Instead she pressed her lips to his in a passionate kiss that left him gasping.
“Will you at least think about it?” she said, lifting her eyebrows.
He nodded and walked out the door without asking for the pills. Down the stairs and past a security guard he heard Ray’s voice call out.
“Daddy!”
“Hey, buddy!” Jed said, picking him up and feeling how he’d grown. “Did you have fun?”
“Uh-huh.” Ray turned and pointed. “Look at Mom’s belly.”
Jed looked at Rose. He searched for something to say. What was he supposed to say? He tried to think quickly, but all that came to his mind was “Wow.”
He walked toward her, still holding Ray. “Wow,” he said again, stooping down. “Look at Mom’s belly.”
He hugged Rose and she embraced him with a passion he wasn’t prepared for. He pulled back and said, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She smiled with that pregnant mother glow. “I wanted to tell you in person.”
He embraced her again to hide the look on his face, the feeling in his heart. This was the worst news he could imagine. This made it even harder for him to tell Rose the truth about Shelby.
The stage door opened and a group walked down the darkened hallway. Jed’s heart skipped a beat when he heard Shelby’s soft laughter. She stopped when she saw them together.
Rose turned. “Hi, Shelby.”
Shelby broke from the group and came into the light.
Jed closed his eyes and tried to sound as natural as he possibly could. “Shelby, this is my wife, Rose.”
“It’s really nice to meet you,” Shelby said, extending a hand.
“It was a great show tonight,” Rose said, shaking with her. “You’re very talented.”
All Jed could think about was getting Rose and Ray out of that hallway, away from Shelby. Before something awful happened.
“Thank you,” Shelby said, staring at Rose’s bump. Then she looked at Jed and gave him a smile that said too much.
“And this is my son, Ray,” Jed said.
Shelby lit up with an over-the-top grin, raising her hand for a high five from his son. “Ray? You are so handsome.” She stared at him, a little too close. “I’ve heard so much about you. I feel like I know you guys. But I did not know that you were expecting.” She said it to Rose, then glanced at Jed.
“Neither did he,” Rose laughed.
An awkward silence fell between them and Jed felt his heart accelerating like there was another attack coming on. Ray felt like a sack of potatoes all of a sudden. Jed wanted to run and hide. Anywhere.
Shelby said she was going to grab a drink with the guys and mercifully exited. Before she did, she looked at Jed. “Catch you tomorrow?”
Jed nodded and said he would, then turned to Rose. “Ready to go?”
They got Ray into the hotel suite; the little guy was exhausted. Jed opened the sleeper-sofa and Rose fixed his covers and tucked him in and he was gone before the lights went out. Jed wished he could sleep that way. Then he remembered he could, if he took enough pills.
Rose hugged him from behind and sighed like she had plans for the evening. “I missed you,” she said.
“I missed you,” Jed said to the wall, trying to mean it.
She turned him around and looked at him, but Jed had a hard time making eye contact. She too
k his right hand in hers, then held it up and rolled the cuff back, revealing his tattooed wrist.
“When did you get this?” she said.
“Amsterdam.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
He could tell she was disappointed, but she wasn’t about to let her discovery spoil the moment. She stroked his face and leaned into him, unbuttoning his shirt. His heart nearly exploded, not from desire but from shame and guilt and what was left unsaid between them. Air left the room and he felt trapped as if he were drowning.
Breathe, he told himself. Just breathe.
Suddenly he could take no more and he grabbed her hands, struggling to think through what he should do, what he should say.
“Is everything okay?” Rose said.
He pushed her back and whispered, “Yeah. Just give me a second, okay?”
Jed opened the bathroom door and went inside, his heart nearly beating out of his chest. He couldn’t look Rose in the face; he had to get away. Once inside, he turned the faucet on high and opened his shaving kit, pulling out the stash of pills Shelby had so easily gotten for him. Instead of calming, his heart beat faster and he collapsed in the corner, waiting in hope that the drugs would take effect.
He stayed there until his breathing evened out, but by then his whole body felt like it was floating, and all of his guilt and shame about Shelby melted into sweet, blissful sleep.
He awoke next to the toilet, still dressed in the clothes he had worn the night before. He had dreamed that Rose was at the bathroom door, knocking and calling his name. But maybe that wasn’t a dream.
And then he remembered he had passed out here with Rose waiting for him and Ray asleep in the next room. He struggled to stand and fell against the door, opening it and finding the bed empty and then the sleeper empty.
“Rose? Ray?” he called. He opened the door and looked in the hallway. No one was there.
Then he saw it. On the nightstand by the phone was a handwritten note.
Dear Jed,
I don’t know what’s wrong, but I know something is happening to us. I thought you would be excited to be with me tonight. I’m taking Ray and going home.
You told me you’d be taking a break after Cincinnati. I guess that wasn’t true. And you’ll probably blame Stan.
I can’t keep going this way. I’m going to get help. And I hope you will too.
All my love, from a broken heart,
Rose
She was going to get help? What did that mean? If she knew about the drugs, why didn’t she say something? If she knew about Shelby, why didn’t she confront him?
The room phone rang and he thought about not picking it up. But what if it was Rose? What if it was Shelby?
“Bus is pulling out for Indy in ten minutes,” Stan said. “You coming?”
Jed closed his eyes. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
CHAPTER 41
PASTOR BINGHAM REQUESTED that Melanie, one of the female counselors, meet with Rose and him in his office. He explained that it was just one of the policies of the church that there always be another pastor or counselor for meetings between opposite-sex people behind closed doors.
“Do you think Jed has some kind of addiction?” Pastor Bingham said.
“I don’t know what to think,” Rose said, tears falling, voice trembling.
Pastor Bingham handed her a box of tissues.
“He had a tattoo on his wrist. Jed hates tattoos. He said he’d never get one.”
Pastor Bingham looked at his hands and rubbed them together as he thought. Then Melanie leaned forward. “Why did you wait until last night to tell Jed about the baby?”
“I don’t know; I thought maybe he would be excited if I waited and told him. Showed him, you know?”
“And he wasn’t?”
“He looked like he could hardly breathe. Kind of pale and shaky. Even when he sang, it was different. And then last night . . . We used to fight about intimacy, you know. But when I approached him . . . he didn’t respond. I just want my husband back.”
The two of them listened to Rose sob, seemingly comfortable with the pain that leaked out.
After a few minutes, Pastor Bingham spoke. “Rose, there may be nothing going on with Jed. But the signs you’re describing trouble me. I’m guessing that Jed is in the middle of making some bad choices.”
“From what I can tell, there’s a lot of drinking after the shows. And who knows what else.”
The pastor winced. “I think you need to prepare for the worst.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think it’s possible that Jed may be involved with some substances. Or with someone else. From what you describe—his erratic behavior—it sounds like that might be the cause.”
“Couldn’t it just be stress?”
“Sure,” Melanie said. “But I tend to agree with Pastor Bingham. It sounds like something is going on inside Jed. And you’re the most likely person to help him. You’re also the person who will be hurt the most by his choices, if our assumptions are correct.”
“Rose, we’re going to pray for you. For wisdom. Discernment. And that when the truth comes out, you’ll have the courage to move forward and, if you need to, confront him in a loving way, but in a way that draws a line.”
“What kind of line?”
“If he’s addicted, if he’s having an affair, you have every right to ask him to choose. You don’t have to live with someone who is unfaithful. Love doesn’t have to roll over and take that.”
“Divorce?” she said.
“I’m not talking about divorce. At least not yet. You want to give Jed a chance to repent and then see if that repentance is genuine. And you can’t go this alone. You have to surround yourself with people who . . .”
Rose didn’t hear the rest. She was too captured by the sins of Jed’s father and how they might have come back to haunt her.
But Jed wouldn’t cheat on her. He loved her too much. He wouldn’t get involved with another woman. She couldn’t even imagine him with . . .
And then she remembered the way Shelby had looked at him backstage, when Shelby saw Rose was pregnant. Her words were fine. She said everything she was supposed to say, but the look on her face when she glanced at Jed said, “How could you?”
They joined hands and Pastor Bingham and Melanie prayed for Rose and Jed and Ray and the unborn child Rose was carrying. When she got in the car to drive home, she felt the door of her heart closing. And she wondered if there was any hope for them as a family.
CHAPTER 42
SHELBY WAS GLAD to get to Indianapolis. She wanted to get Jed alone to talk about what had happened in Cincinnati, but he was aloof. It was clear he wanted to be alone, so she stayed with Vivian and stewed. Maybe he’d told Rose the truth. Maybe he was just hurting now that things with Rose were coming to an end. Maybe he would come running back to Shelby’s arms after the show. She decided to let him make the first move.
Through her opening set she couldn’t wait until he walked onstage. She played “I Like It This Way,” a sweet and melancholy song that veiled her feelings for Jed. She got to the lyric that said, “I’ll show you love you can’t believe” and nearly choked on the words. Sometimes Jed came out and sang with her, but he didn’t show up.
When he finally walked in at stage left, he stood by Stan, looking pale and gaunt. She didn’t mean for the drugs to take hold like they had, but if he could just break free from Rose, she was sure she could help him conquer them.
The audience applauded for Shelby and she took a bow. Jed walked onstage and she looked at Stan, who signaled her to start “The Song.” She mouthed, “No,” but Stan wouldn’t relent.
Shelby hesitated a moment. What if Jed did a halfhearted version? But she began her fiddle solo and the band followed and the crowd cheered. Shelby played it with everything in her, willing Jed toward her again, but his face was tight. Slowly he removed the guitar strap an
d walked offstage. The guys in the band looked at her as if she could do something.
Shelby ran to Jed, the band still keeping time and some in the crowd beginning to boo. Tears had begun to fall by the time she caught up with him backstage.
“Jed, please don’t do this to me.” She was crying hard now, sobbing, beating on his chest. Then she calmed a little and begged him, “Let’s just go back out there—”
“No,” Jed said. He pushed her backward and she could tell he meant more than just the song. He was under Rose’s spell and was pushing her out of his life.
She narrowed her eyes and looked him in the eye and with all the resolve she could muster said, “I’ll just sing it myself.”
Shelby walked toward the stage, hoping Jed would follow and put a good face on it and let the show go on. There was no reason everything had to fall apart like this, no reason they couldn’t spend the rest of their lives together.
Just as she made it to the edge of the stage, she heard Jed say something; then he grabbed her arm and jerked her back into the shadows.
“You will never sing that song,” he said, his jaw clenched. He said it again and shook her so hard her teeth rattled.
She pulled free and gave him a stare. No one ever spoke to her that way. No one ever shook her like that. She’d promised herself as a child that if any man grabbed her and shook her like her father had, she would get her revenge. So she ignored Jed’s little power play and walked back onstage, signaling to the band to keep playing.
“I’ve been waitin’ on you—”
That was all she got out before Jed grabbed the microphone. She stepped back and Jed grabbed her violin and with one swing smashed it on the stage. The crowd gasped, wondering if this was part of the show and then realizing it wasn’t. Jed’s anger and emotion were real and she’d never seen this side of him.
Jed tossed the pieces of the fiddle across the stage and the band came to Shelby’s aid, taking off their instruments and going after Jed.
The crowd, once cheering, now sounded more like WWE spectators, booing and yelling at the turn of events.
