I love you, Kaira Hansley, I thought. They were words I couldn’t say out loud, although I couldn’t remember why.
I lifted her off the bed, wrapping one arm around her back to keep her steady so I could rid her of her bra.
“I love you, Gray.”
I froze with my hand on the delicate clasp at her back. The fever of my lust cooled just enough for me to pull back and look at her.
My body was still desperate for her, but my brain was flashing warnings. Something was wrong about those words.
“No,” I heard myself say before I even understood the horrible feeling that had flooded my system. “Don’t say that to me.”
And then rational thoughts and memories came crashing back in wave after wave.
“You’re right. I don’t know where that came from.” Kaira leaned back against my arm, still breathing fast, her eyes wide with emotion. She took a shuddering breath. “I just got lost in the past for a second.”
I let my arm drop, and she slid back on the bed, away from me. With the distance, my brain returned. All the hurt of what Kaira had done came back in full force. It was the mental equivalent of an ice bath.
“You never loved me,” I said, my voice scratchy. “What you did—”
“I know. This was a mistake.” She bit her lip. There were tears in her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall. She was too stubborn for that. “Let’s just forget this happened.”
I pushed myself up onto my knees up so I was facing her. We were close enough to touch, but I didn’t reach for her.
“My dad tried to kill himself that night.”
The words slipped out before I could even process them. I’d never said them out loud—never talked about what had happened.
“Oh God,” Kaira whispered. There was endless emotion in her brown eyes, but I was too overcome with my own pain to try to interpret it.
Now that I had started, I couldn’t stop.
“After I left you that night, I went home and found my dad passed out on the floor with empty pill bottles and a bottle of whiskey.”
Tears were sliding down Kaira’s face. “Gray—”
“I thought he was dead, Kaira!” My voice broke. “His skin felt cold, and he wouldn’t wake up.” I squeezed my eyes shut, like it might be enough to banish the memory of that horrible night. “The EMTs told me he probably wouldn’t make it. I was in the ICU with him for two days.”
I opened my eyes. Kaira had a hand pressed to her mouth as tears streamed down her cheeks. I stared at a pile of clothes on the floor while I fought for control over my emotions.
“I didn’t know,” she whispered. “I thought—”
“What?” My voice turned harsh. “That you could walk into my dad’s office wearing his face, and there wouldn’t be consequences? What exactly did you think was going to happen?” It was a struggle to keep my volume below the level of the music.
“I thought he’d get demoted,” she admitted, “but I didn’t think he’d take it so hard. I figured he would be back in his position within the year.”
“You knew my dad’s job was everything to him!”
Kaira covered her face with her hands. Her slender shoulders shook.
“He still thinks he’s the one who lost your file. He talks in his sleep about it, about how he was so careless and stupid. He’s gotten obsessive compulsive about everything because he thinks he lost his mind that day.” A harsh laugh escaped me. “And you want to know the most fucked up part? I never told him the truth, because that would have put you in danger.”
Kaira still had her hands over her eyes, but I could read the distress in every tense muscle in her body. Still, I couldn’t stop the words that kept pouring out of me.
“Do you know what kind of a son that makes me? Do you know what kind of a person? I’ve let my dad suffer for years because I was protecting a girl who didn’t give a shit about me—”
“That’s not true.”
Kaira had stopped crying, but there was no fight left in her. There was an empty look to her that I had never seen before. Impossibly, it cooled my fury to the point where I could think.
And then, because I had nothing left to lose, I asked the question that had plagued me for three years.
“Why?”
“It was the only way,” she whispered, her usual fire buried beneath her layers of guilt.
“Bull shit.”
Kaira shook her head. Her eyes had gone impossibly wide and her face had paled.
I spoke, because it didn’t seem like Kaira could, and I couldn’t seem to make myself stop.
“If you had told me you wanted to destroy your file, I would have helped you do it. I would have fought you and tried to talk you out of it, but in the end, I would have helped you. Because that’s what love is, Kai. It’s a willingness to do anything for the other person’s sake, even if it makes you less happy.” I made a sound of disgust. “It isn’t whatever you meant all those times you said it to me.”
She had made me into a fool. I’d continued to play the fool every time I kept my mouth shut rather than telling my dad that Kaira was responsible for the lost file.
I wanted to be angry. Instead, all I felt was a bone-crushing hurt. This conversation had ripped the bandage off an old wound, and I felt like I was bleeding out.
“Oh, holy hell.”
I spun around. A.J. was standing in the open doorway, his jaw hanging open.
I moved on instinct, using my body to block Kaira from view, even though I was wearing nothing except my boxers.
“Boyfriend, she’s not really my type,” A.J. said in a lighthearted voice, but as our gazes met, I saw pity.
Kaira scrambled off the bed, pulling the blanket around herself. “It’s not what you think,” she said quickly. “We were drunk, and—”
“Oh, honey.” A.J. shook his head.
“It was my fault,” I said, finding my voice. “I caught her by surprise.”
I didn’t know what the Telekinetic could read from our stricken faces, but whatever it was, it was obvious A.J. saw straight through our lies. For several, horrible seconds, we all just stared at each other.
“A.J.,” Kaira said, and her voice broke.
A.J. held up a hand to silence her.
“No one knows this about me, but I actually can keep a secret.” He gave us a sad little smile. “If anyone else finds out about this, it won’t be because they heard it from me.”
No one spoke for several long seconds.
“Oh.” A.J. snapped his fingers. “The reason why I came up here in the first place.”
He scowled at the stereo, and it turned itself off. The room filled with an unsettled quiet.
“Smith said the cops finally left your house and took down the wire taps,” he told me. “If you want to call your dad, you can.”
CHAPTER 28
After everything that had just happened with Kaira, it felt like iron claws had burrowed into my chest and were squeezing my heart into pulp.
I had never wanted to talk to my dad more than I did now. It was a little kid’s thought. My dad and I had never had the kind of relationship where we confided in each other…not that I could, anyway. Still, I was homesick for my dad in a way I’d never been before.
I couldn’t go home, but for the first time since my arrest, I could talk to my father.
After setting up the call on his laptop so it would be untraceable, Smith left me alone. Everyone else was already upstairs, and I was grateful for the privacy as I typed in my dad’s number.
The call connected on the first ring.
“Hello?”
Even in that single word, I could hear my father’s exhaustion.
“Dad, it’s me,” I managed, even though my throat felt like it was coated with sandpaper.
There was silence on the other end of the line for several seconds.
“Graysen, where are you?”
I shook my head. “I can’t tell you that, Dad. But I’m somewhere safe, and
I’m working on figuring out—”
“Graysen. You need to turn yourself in. I have a detective’s card here, but you can just go on down to the station. I’ll call the detective and let him know you’re on your way.”
The claws around my heart tightened.
“Do you think I’m guilty? Do you think I killed Penelope?”
My dad sighed. “Whether you did or didn’t is irrelevant at this point.”
My dad’s non-answer left me struggling to catch my breath.
“How could you think I’m capable of something like that?” I asked when I finally found my voice.
“I taught you better, Graysen,” my dad said, dodging my question again. “The justice system only works if we all obey the laws and authorities that keep everyone else safe.”
Everyone else. Because my dad thought I was a criminal. Not a criminal, a murderer.
“Graysen? Did you hear me?”
“When have I ever done anything to make you think I’m capable of murder?” I asked, my voice cracking.
It had never once occurred to me that my dad would believe what people were saying about me.
“If you’re innocent—”
I stopped listening after those words. The doubt…the disappointment…in my dad’s voice was too much.
“So, is that a yes?” my dad asked.
“What?” I forced myself to loosen my grip on the laptop before it cracked.
“Are you going to turn yourself in? Can I call the detective and tell him you’ll be down at the station in half an hour?”
“No.” The word was almost inaudible. I cleared my throat. “If I turn myself in now, I’ll be dead by the weekend. You know that, right?”
Silence.
“Every action has a consequence, Graysen. I taught you that. The Alliance is at a critical point right now. Let them do what they do best.”
“You mean like convict an innocent?” I demanded, bitterness and disbelief sliding into place beside the hurt and betrayal.
“If you’re innocent, the justice system will not fail you.”
There they were again…those three words. If you’re innocent.
“You care about the Alliance more than you care about me.”
As soon as I’d spoken the words out loud, I heard the ring of truth in them. But a different, related thought stopped my words of outrage before they spilled from my lips.
Did I have any right to blame my dad for choosing something else over his son? Wasn’t that exactly what I had been doing for the past three years, when I stayed silent for Kaira’s sake rather than speak up for my father’s?
But it wasn’t just about my dad choosing the Alliance over me. My father didn’t believe I was innocent.
“I’m sorry my arrest has caused you trouble,” I said, falling back on the words I had meant to say before this call began.
“My son’s all over the news for murder!”
“They’re wrong about me, Dad, about everything. I’ve been trying to explain to you—”
“Did you kill Jonas, too? Did you think killing him for firing me all those years ago would make me feel better?”
I couldn’t speak.
“If you have any respect for me as your father, you’ll do the right thing,” my dad said, his tone softer than it had been a moment ago.
“I’m trying to do the right thing,” I said, my voice raspy.
“Tonight, Graysen. You’ll turn yourself in tonight.”
“I can’t do that, Dad. I’m sorry, but I have to see this thing through. I’m close, I just need—”
“Then you’re no son of mine.”
“Dad,” I choked.
There was a click, and the call ended.
I sat there with the computer on my lap, numb. I had no idea how much time passed. My mind was a meaningless fog.
“You okay, hun?”
I turned my head, only just now noticing A.J. was sitting on one of the bean bag chairs. I had no idea when he’d come downstairs, or how much he’d overhead.
“Kaira thought you might need some company,” A.J. said, studying me, his expression full of a knowing kind of pity. “She was worried about you.”
I didn’t have room for any more anger or hurt. I just felt bone-weary. I wasn’t sure I could speak, so I stared at the dark computer screen.
“Look, I know it’s none of my business, but I just think you should know. Whatever happened between you and Kaira, she’s hurting just as much as you are. Maybe even more.”
“You’re right,” I said. “It isn’t your business.”
A.J. sighed and got off the bean bag. I was hoping he was taking his cue to leave, but instead, he came and sat down on the couch next to me.
“I know how people always say ‘I know how you feel,’ but I actually know how you feel.” A.J. cocked his head to the side. “Well, at least about the part with your dad. The part with Kaira I won’t pretend to understand for about five different reasons. But my mom and dad were all We love you, A.J. We’ll always support you, A.J.”
“They accused you of murdering people, too?” I asked, my tone inflectionless.
A.J. chuckled. “No, but I honestly think my parents would have preferred that. When I was sixteen and figuring some things out, they came home early from work and saw me wearing a dress.”
Cross-dressing wasn’t exactly what one would call mainstream, but this was hardly the 1800s. Unless he’d been slitting small animals’ throats while he was wearing a dress, I couldn’t imagine why A.J.’s parents would have cared.
“And?” I asked.
“And nothing.” A.J. shrugged. “My parents are one of those die-hard our duty is to reproduce for the sake of our country types, and I guess they realized then that I was never going to marry a woman and make lots of babies. You wouldn’t believe the shit they said to me.”
A.J. smiled, but I could see the pain in his eyes that hadn’t faded all these years later.
“They were planning to send me to some rehab facility in Montana,” he continued. “They thought intensive therapy and some One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest brain zaps would make me normal.”
I didn’t think I had room to cram any more hurt inside me, but I felt that grip on my heart tighten even more at the thought of what A.J. had gone through.
“I’m sorry,” I said, looking at A.J. for the first time. “Your parents should have been there for you. What they did…it’s…unforgivable.”
A.J. lifted a shoulder. “Conventions are what give society structure and a sense of normalcy people can depend on. It’s when people use those conventions as an excuse for turning off rationality and empathy that we’ve got problems.”
“Wise words,” I muttered.
“Look. What I’m trying to say is that after my parents did that to me, they stopped being my family. Family doesn’t do shit like that.”
I gave him a tight nod.
“It was terrifying to leave home at sixteen, but I survived, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I made it all the way from California to Boston, where I found my family…my real family.” A.J. swept a hand around the room. “These kittens have been by my side through thick and thin, and that’s what family does. And you’re one of us.”
My throat was too tight for me to manage a single word.
“Do you hear me, Nat?” A.J. demanded. “We’re your family. And no matter what happens, we’ll always have your back.”
CHAPTER 29
Feminine voices filled the room as Kaira and Bri came down the stairs.
Kaira glanced at me, and her eyes filled with pain. Whether it was pain on my behalf or her own, I didn’t know.
“Bri and I are going to Ma’s,” Kaira said. “Grandma Tashi had a visit from the dead, but she won’t tell me anything over the phone because she thinks it’s disrespectful.” She rolled her eyes at the ceiling.
I stood up. “I’m coming.”
If Grandma Tashi had anything useful to tell us, I wante
d to be there to hear it.
Besides, going to Ma’s would give me something to do besides sitting in front of a blank computer screen and re-living the past hour.
Kaira gave me a little shrug as she followed Bri toward the door. “Suit yourself.”
I turned back to A.J. “Thank you,” I said. “For everything.”
A.J. nodded and gave me a little wave.
On the way to Ma’s, I walked behind Bri and Kaira in silence. I tried to keep my attention on Bri’s chatter so I wouldn’t have to think about my dad or Kaira. The strangled hold on my heart had eased, leaving behind a dull ache that was almost worse because I didn’t think it would ever go away.
Desiree and Cora met us at the door when we came into the house. They both hugged Kaira, said hello to Bri, and then looked at me. Cora gave me a shy smile. Desiree scowled and muttered something that sounded like murderer.
“Where’s Grandma?” Kaira asked, giving the older of her two cousins a warning look.
“In the kitchen,” Cora answered.
We followed the smell of onions cooking in butter, which reminded me of all the Thanksgivings I’d spent with the Hansley clan. They were happy memories. It had been before Kaira stabbed me in the back and my dad disowned me.
Ma abandoned her post at the stove to give us all warm hugs before returning to her cooking. We sat down at the table with Grandma Tashi, who was completely engrossed in the TV. It was the same looping footage I had been seeing the past several days. Reporters hounding the victims’ families and speculating about where I might be hiding.
Kaira got up and switched off the TV, ignoring her grandmother’s scowl.
Cora sat down at the table next to me, showing me her textbook on Alliance law. I managed a smile and thumbs-up, even though it felt like rocks had settled in my stomach. Desiree sat across from me and glared. I gave her a bright smile, which I’d learned years ago was the fastest way to annoy her.
“What are the dead saying, Grandma?” Kaira asked.
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