Luckily, there isn’t too much time to dwell on anything because on top of rehearsals we still have exams and homework and holiday preparations. I’m grateful for all of that, and still I feel a certain sense of relief when I finally wake up and it’s Friday the eleventh, the day of our first performance.
I’m one of the first people to arrive that afternoon. I may not be needed onstage, but I still have props to sort so they’re ready to be used. I take my job seriously even if it’s not the one I wanted.
Before my weird mood can take over once again I just decide to dive right into work instead and drop my bag and jacket in the rehearsal room before making my way to the auditorium to start setting things up backstage.
I’m about to wipe down the blackboard we need for Sherlock to explain his theories to Watson when I finally hear footsteps approaching.
It’s Linus, way too early as well, but that was to be expected. He likes being on time almost more than I do.
“Hi,” I greet him. It’s weird, seeing him like this. If things were normal, I’d have been the one to drive him here. We would have been running lines for weeks. But he has Danny for that now. He doesn’t need me.
He looks pale and a little sick, needs a moment before he answers. “Hi. You’re, uh. Early.”
“So are you.”
He holds both hands to his stomach. “I feel sick.”
“Nervous?”
“A bit.” He shakes his head. “But, I don’t know, maybe I’m coming down with something? My dad’s coworker has the flu, maybe he brought it home and I—”
“You don’t have the flu,” I interrupt, rolling my eyes at him. I should have known he’d try something like this.
“You can’t know that.”
“Yes, I can,” I assure him. “You’re fine. It’s just nerves.”
“How would you know?” He sounds a little angry. “You can’t know how I’m feeling.”
“No, but I know you,” I point out. “And I figured you’d be getting cold feet just about now.” I want to take it back the second the words leave my mouth—that was uncalled for and I know it.
He goes even paler, silent for a long moment. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I lift my shoulders, hold up my hands in a placating gesture. “Nothing, oh my god. I just meant—”
“You think I want to miss the performance.” It doesn’t sound like a question.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You kind of did.”
“Did not. But, come on, you can’t tell me that you’re not nervous. And, I mean, that’s okay, it’s fine to be nervous.”
“Well, thank you very much for your approval.”
“Just don’t bail on the show.”
He gasps. “You really think I’d do that?”
“Isn’t that kind of what you’re considering?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“But if you were sick, you could go back home.” I have no idea why I’m saying this. I have no idea what’s happening. But on the other hand, I kind of do. It feels a bit like that summer day when Sophia broke up with me. “You should be glad you get to do this; not all of us were so lucky.”
He looks actually hurt now. “I offered you the part. I didn’t even want it.”
“Oh, how generous!” I throw my hands up in the air. “Because that’s everyone’s dream, getting a part out of pity! I can’t believe I didn’t jump at the offer! But also, you don’t make the casting decisions, do you? They chose you. They didn’t choose me. It was their choice.”
“Why are you acting like this?” he asks. “I didn’t do anything wrong. You pushed me to do this. You spent weeks trying to convince me this was a good idea. And then when I actually go and do it, you’re mad at me? I don’t get it.”
“I was only trying to help,” I defend myself.
“I thought you of all people would have my back,” he says. “Aren’t we supposed to be friends? If you’re so unhappy about me doing this, why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you say something sooner? Like, maybe not right before I have to go onstage, which you of all people should know is really hard for me?”
I let out a bitter laugh. “I should have said something sooner? Are you serious right now? Like you told me that you were talking to my ex-girlfriend behind my back?” I ask, and his mouth drops open.
“Meg—”
“Because how did you think that would make me feel if I found out about it?”
“I didn’t mean to—” He looks panicked. “I never wanted—”
“Didn’t think I’d find out?” I can’t keep the bitterness from my voice and I’m not even trying to.
“It’s not like that,” he says. “She contacted me. And—she’s my friend, too. I just wanted—”
“She dumped me,” I say, and I kind of feel like crying, but not here, not now. I have been so good about not crying so far. “She dumped me and you know how much that hurt me, and yet you went behind my back and … Did you guys talk about me?”
He hesitates. “… Yes.”
I let my shoulders slump, and I’m just done with this conversation. “Awesome. Just perfect.”
“She just wanted to know how you were. We didn’t—I didn’t mean to keep it from you, I’m sorry, I—”
“It doesn’t matter now,” I say. “But, yeah. So much for having each other’s backs.”
“I’m really sorry,” he says. “Please believe me.”
“I’m sorry, too,” I say. “But I really need to not be here right now.” I turn around and abandon my props. I’m allowed bathroom breaks, after all. And I just hope there will be more people here once I return so I won’t have to talk to him again.
I really feel like crying now because I guess on top of everything else that went wrong this year I have also just effectively ended our friendship and I really just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.
Can’t I just have one thing in my life that’s not completely messed up? Is that really too much to ask?
In the bathroom, I spend a long moment just staring at my own face in the mirror, willing myself not to cry. It’ll show if I do. I get all gross and splotchy. Everyone will know.
I manage to fight back the tears, but it’s hard. Because after Sophia, I could easily blame her for the breakup. This time, it’s a little harder to see who’s really to blame.
Chapter 48
Linus
THE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS is that suddenly I’m not nervous about the performance anymore. Well, I am, but it seems kind of insignificant all of a sudden. I have a far bigger problem now.
I don’t know how Meg found out about me talking to Sophia, but it doesn’t really matter. I assume Sophia told her. That seems to make the most sense. But the only thing I care about is that she wasn’t happy with it.
Which—I knew she wouldn’t be happy with it. This is exactly the reason I never found a way to tell her. I didn’t want to upset her. And now I’ve managed to make her really angry with me and the worst thing is that she looked so hurt. I never meant for any of this to happen and I have no idea how everything could get so out of control.
Because here I am backstage in the auditorium, dressed up in a tweed suit and an apron because the costume department thought that was funny, and in a little while I have to go out there and perform in front of an audience.
It just all suddenly hits me all at once and I’m not sure I remember how to breathe. Because. Oh my goodness! I have joined the drama club and even landed a speaking part. Yikes. Am I completely out of my mind? Oh, man. This is not good. And I have spent weeks talking to my best friend’s ex-girlfriend behind her back when I knew how sad she still was about the breakup, and instead of telling her or making every effort to make her feel better I chose to spend more time with a boy I just met this summer, and I didn’t even really try very hard to make her come along when we all went out. I am not a very good friend.
But then, Meg hasn’t been a very good f
riend, either, has she? She has been talking to Sophia, too? Why didn’t I know about this? And then all of her comments about Danny and me, and the way she practically forced me into this audition and … They were setting me up this whole time, weren’t they? Pushing me into spending time with Danny.
I definitely do not appreciate being manipulated like this and humiliated and—do they think I can’t find a boyfriend by myself? Do they think they have to fix my life for me?
Yes, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I am also really upset. I feel betrayed. And I have never liked it when people patronized me, and this feels a lot like it: Let’s find the fat little nerd boy a boyfriend because he’s just too awkward and shy to manage by himself.
I know Meg. We have been friends for years and I know that it wasn’t her intention to belittle or hurt me.
The fact remains, though, that she did.
“Hey.” Suddenly, Alyssa is standing next to me. “Have you seen Meg?”
I nod. “Yeah, I, uh. She went, um. Just in that direction. Bathroom, I guess.”
“Oh, okay, thanks,” Alyssa says, then narrows her eyes at me. “Everything okay with you? You look a little—”
“No, yes, fine, I’m fine,” I assure her, putting on the best smile I can muster right now. “Just—nerves. You know.”
“Why do you think I prefer hanging out backstage?” she asks, and winks at me before clapping a hand to my shoulder. “Welcome to the wonderful world of theater.”
“If it helps, I think a little shyness can only add to your interpretation of the character,” Danny speaks up behind me, and I look up at him and the smile just happens to my face, even if I’m not in the best mood right now.
“Thank you.”
“Always,” he says, and, well, now I’m definitely not pale anymore at least.
Chapter 49
Meg
“OH, THERE YOU ARE,” ALYSSA greets me as I arrive back at my blackboard that still needs to be wiped down. “Do you have the folder with the lighting cues? Because I can’t find it.”
“Oh.” I shake my head. “You gave that to Malik the other day.”
“Right.” She slaps a hand to her forehead. “Of course I did. Sorry.”
“No worries. This is why you have me as an assistant.”
“Deputy stage manager,” she corrects me, grinning, then squints her eyes at me. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lie quickly. “Why?”
“Nothing,” she says. “Just—it’s nothing.”
I manage to find a laugh for her before I turn away, but that just makes me suddenly look right at Linus, who looks right back at me, and we both sort of freeze before looking away.
This is the worst. It’s just the absolute worst. I was so worried about messing everything up with Linus getting hurt over Danny, but now I’ve hurt him myself.
I did all this to help him. I just wanted to help. And I’ve made everything fifty thousand times worse in the process.
* * *
Things backstage are busier than I ever imagined they could be, but I still get to observe most of what’s going on out there on the stage. That’s sort of my job, watching the play and handing people things when they need them. It sounds more boring than it is, I swear. It’s actually really cool.
Linus does really well in the first scene. Really, really well. At least that calms my nerves a bit—I had started to worry about him. If he’d screwed up now it would probably have been my fault for fighting with him right before his first-ever performance.
But he pulls it off like he does it all the time. He speaks loudly enough, even though his volume had been an issue in rehearsal a few times, and he doesn’t miss a single cue, and, well, I’m not a professional critic or anything but I find his performance perfectly convincing. I’m still mad at him, but I can see through my anger that he obviously practiced hard and that he deserves the role. So I guess if even I like his performance, then everyone else must, too.
Chapter 50
Linus
THE PLAY IS NERVE-RACKING, BUT not necessarily in a bad way. I have three scenes in which I have to talk and a few more where I’m only in the background, dusting and carrying a tray or just standing around while Sherlock and Watson are talking.
I know my lines and I know how to deliver them, thanks to Danny’s endless patience with me. I’m still nervous. But at least this nervousness distracts me from being upset over the fight I had with my best friend. There honestly isn’t much room in my head for anything that was said between us. I have to focus on my lines and blocking.
I’m right there in the second scene in Sherlock’s study, because it’s Mr. Hudson’s job to show in the visitor who will turn out to be Sherlock’s client for the story.
Just as rehearsed, I rap my knuckles against the ladder we’ve put up as a door frame and clear my throat loudly. “There’s a visitor at the door for you, Sherlock,” I say. “Do you want me to show him in?”
Stella, who is our Sherlock Holmes, waves her hand impatiently and heaves a sigh. “If this is about another house cat who ran away, I’m jumping out the window,” she declares dramatically, green hair flying as she drops onto the ratty old sofa.
Danny, who is sitting in an armchair pretending to read the paper as John Watson, lifts his head and looks over at me.
I wait patiently while Stella keeps ranting on about how they haven’t had any interesting cases in months. I’m still impressed that she can remember all of her lines. She has a lot of them. I’m good at memorizing things, but if I’d had to memorize all of her lines, I would be freaking out by now with the fear of forgetting something.
My eyes keep flickering over to where Danny is sitting and he looks back at me, winks at me from behind his weeks-old newspaper. I can barely hold back the smile, but I do feel better all of a sudden.
“Show him in,” Stella finally says, and I nod in her direction.
“Just a moment.” I breathe a sigh of relief as I exit the stage. That was my dialogue for my first scene. I’ve made it through my entire first scene without a hitch! I didn’t fall down and I didn’t forget my words and they didn’t have to stop the play because I messed up (which had been a recurring nightmare for the past few nights).
Backstage, Alyssa slaps a hand to my shoulder and grins widely. “See?” she says. “Not that bad.”
I laugh a little breathlessly. “It’s not over yet!”
For a moment I think about finding Meg and talking to her about our fight earlier. But we’re in the middle of a performance and now is just not the time. Also, I’m a little afraid of losing my cool after all and becoming so nervous that I’ll start forgetting my lines for the next scenes. So I stay where I am and wait until it’s time to go back out. I’ll have to find her as soon as the play is over.
My next scene is once again in Sherlock’s study, where I am dusting off the coffee table while Stella and Danny are arguing about their case, and I have a bit more dialogue because Mr. Hudson keeps commenting on their theories and inadvertently gives them the vital clue that leads them toward the solution.
Once again I make it through the entire scene without falling flat on my face or saying the wrong thing.
I’m still nervous, but I’m starting to think that this acting thing is kind of fun. I can at least see the appeal of it now. It’s an incredible feeling, going off the stage knowing that I did well. Once I make up with Meg, I have to remember to tell her this.
Chapter 51
Meg
THE PLAY IS SILLY. I knew that from the beginning, but seeing it now only confirms it.
But silly as it is, I still kind of love it. It just makes me wish even more that I could be an active part of the whole thing instead of having to stay backstage helping out everyone else.
So Alyssa keeps telling me that I’ll probably get a part in our spring play. I guess I should be looking forward to that. But first of all, I don’t know for sure that it’s going to happen and also, it doesn’t
really do a whole lot to make me feel better about missing out on this play.
Stella is amazing as Sherlock, the perfect mix between bored and just plain rude, and then adorably excited every time their case takes a sinister turn and things get more complicated. And Danny is such a mild-mannered Watson, patient and quiet and the perfect counterpart to Stella’s exuberant energy. They work really well off each other. Really well.
I mention as much to Alyssa during a rare time things are quiet for her backstage, and she nods, grinning widely.
“We made good casting choices there.”
“You did,” I confirm, because, well, they did. “It helps that they’re friends, right?” I can’t help it. I’m still a little worried. They just … they work so well together.
“Oh, of course it does,” she says. “But they also rehearsed a lot. They were really committed. And it shows. It also helps that they’re incredibly talented.”
None of that really tells me anything and it just makes my stomach sink even further. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve screwed up absolutely everything. But there’s nothing to be done about it now, is there? It’s too late.
I don’t stick around once the show is over. I help clean up and put things away, but then I see to it that I get home before someone can insist I go out for pizza with them. I’m not in the mood today, and also I don’t want to spoil the night for Linus. I’ve done enough of that already.
Alyssa looks a bit disappointed that I’m not coming along, but she understands when I say that I have a really important essay to work on. There hasn’t been much time for schoolwork with all the rehearsals lately.
So I hurry out as soon as I can, find my car, and start making my lonely way home. Tonight, I really feel like I deserve every bit of loneliness this has brought me.
Chapter 52
Linus
DANNY IS WAITING FOR ME in his car when I walk out of the auditorium and I hurry across the parking lot, slip into the passenger seat, and firmly close the door behind me. Then I lean back, take a deep breath, and close my eyes.
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