Rebecca curled her body into a tight ball beneath the trailer. The colors came in rapid succession. She had to remember each color, she had to give them to Ruda. If she didn’t give them to her sister, Ruda would be given no food, they would hurt her. She heard Papa’s voice, saw the cards being laid out, red, green, blue…
The red light flickered. “Stand by, Miss Kellerman.”
Ruda stood rigid. She didn’t see the draped entrance to the main ring, but instead the dark green curtain. The hand that drew the curtain open was clean, with red painted nails; the woman had beautiful blond hair swept in a perfect coil. Her eyelids were painted, her cheeks rouged and powdered like an actress’s. The dark red lips were often parted in a half smile. Ruda could see him behind the glass, just a fraction to the right of Red Lips, one of his gloved hands resting against the high dentist’s chair. He had oiled, slicked-back ebony hair, chiseled features, and wore an immaculate uniform. They made a handsome couple. When he smiled his teeth were even and white.
Rebecca wore a frilly dress, white socks, and black patent leather shoes. Once, when the curtain was drawn back Ruda saw that she had been holding a doll, and she had held it up for Ruda to see. A doll with orange hair and a porcelain face, pink-cheeked, pink-lipped, with delicate china hands. Ruda had pretended that when they drew the curtain back she was looking into a mirror, seeing herself. It had calmed her and made the pain go away.
Papa made the unwrapping of a toffee into an art, holding each end of the wrapper delicately between finger and thumb, as if afraid to get so much as a trace of toffee on his white gloves. Ruda’s mouth was always dry, tasting of metal. She longed for the sweet, watched the elaborate unwrapping of the treat with desperate eyes. When he smiled and touched Rebecca’s chin to indicate she should open her mouth, when he looked through the glass to Ruda and smiled as he popped the sweet into Rebecca’s mouth, Ruda could taste the sweet, soft caramel. The green film over her baby teeth became sweet and delicious.
Days or weeks later when Red Lips drew back the curtain, Ruda could see Rebecca had changed. The frilly white dress was dirty. Her mouth gaped open. She could see the tears, could see her fighting and scratching and sobbing, but she couldn’t hear because the curtain draped a soundproofed cage. She was desperate to get to her sister, desperate to know what frightened her so much, what terrible things they were doing to her. She too would scream and scream, but Rebecca couldn’t hear her either.
What Ruda could not have guessed was that Rebecca was screaming because they were showing her what they had done to Ruda.
Vernon shook Ruda’s shoulder, once, twice. She turned, startled. “My God! Hurry, you’ve had the green light twice…are you okay?”
Ruda collected herself, then nodded. They were repeating her intro music. She waited a beat, then walked into the ring. Cheers and loud applause greeted her entrance. “Ladies and gentlemen—Ruda Kellerman!”
Chapter 20
Rebecca remained hunched under the trailer. Her head started to pound and she prayed for it not to happen, not here. Someone was squeezing her brain. Then through the throbbing pain she heard his voice. He was saying over and over that she was a bad girl, she had not tried hard enough, now she would see what she had done. They tied her in the chair. She was paralyzed with fear, screaming for them not to draw back the curtain. But they did, slowly, inch by inch. And there was Ruda.
Ruda’s body was covered in open sores. They had cut off her hair. Rebecca could see lacerations on her scalp, see the wires attached to her head. She could see them propping Ruda up, too weak to walk, too weak even to stand.
Ruda, unable even to hold up her head, smiled through the glass. She gave a tiny, pitiful wave as if to say: “I am still here. I’m still here, Rebecca.”
The pain was excruciating. Rebecca sobbed, buried her face in the mud. All she could see was Ruda’s tiny wretched face. Was this the memory she had blotted out of her mind? She wanted the pain to stop, wanted the memories to go away—but they kept on coming.
“Please help me, somebody help me.”
Papa kissed her, unwrapping a sweet. “Good girl. Now if Ruda can repeat that exact formation of cards, when I open the curtains the next time, she will be beautiful again…”
“Please help me, somebody help me.”
But no one could hear her, everyone was at the big top. She couldn’t stop them from coming. Rebecca could see herself in the frilly white dress, feel the urine trickle down her legs. She was afraid they would open the curtain, she was afraid to see what she had done to Ruda, and she tried desperately to remember what Papa wanted. What was it he wanted…what was it?
Red-red-green-blue-red-red…roses are red, violets are blue, pass the colors from me to you…
♦ ♦ ♦
Sixteen tigers, three lions, and the black panther. The ring seemed to seethe with cats. Ruda attempted twice to give the command for Roja to move to the red pedestal, but couldn’t. Instead in rapid succession she repeated four colors. It was as if her mind were locked. Command after command became confused and the cats started to veer away from the pedestals and meander around the ring.
Vernon moved close to the bars and whispered urgently into his walkie-talkie. “Hold back Mamon. Is he in the tunnel yet? Shit! Don’t open the trapdoor yet, keep him in the tunnel. Repeat. Don’t release Mamon, don’t let him through. Get Grimaldi.”
Mamon moved stealthily down the tunnel and reached the midway gate just as it clanged shut in his face. He backed up and ran at it angrily. Vernon prodded him backward with one of the long sticks. Mamon growled and swiped at the stick, but moved back down the tunnel to the safety of his cage.
Ruda remained motionless. The pain across her eyes blinded her. The spotlights began to blur. Her voice was hardly audible as she repeated in a monotone: “Red-red-green-blue-red-red-green.”
Gradually the cats became seriously disoriented. In their confusion, led by Roja, the tigers reverted to the first part of the act. They formed a circle around Ruda’s motionless body. The audience was mesmerized. No one knew anything was wrong. The orchestra played on; the conductor, who took cues from the act as it progressed, saw the cats forming a circle and cut the music to a low drumbeat.
Grimaldi opened the side trapdoor leading into the arena. He carried a long whip and the cats immediately turned toward him.
“Roja UP…RED UP…SONIA, green, SOPHIA, blue…UP!”
Ruda stared ahead, still mumbling colors, unaware of Grimaldi.
He came quietly, authoritatively, to her side and took her left hand, smiling—but his eyes were focused on the cats.
“Jason…Green. Good boy…UP UP!”
The cats seemed relieved that order had been restored. They returned to the pyramid formation, Grimaldi all the while drawing Ruda gently back from the center of the ring. He felt her hand tighten in his, but he kept his attention on the cats.
“You okay?”
Ruda gasped. She had completely blanked out and the realization of what was happening made her panic momentarily. Then she was back in control. Grimaldi and Ruda worked together, and the audience applauded as the cats sat poised on their pedestals. Slowly Grimaldi handed more and more of the commands back to Ruda, standing a few feet behind her just in case he was needed.
Wanton began to leap from one high pedestal to the next, and the audience cheered. Grimaldi saw Ruda turn toward the trapdoor, expecting Mamon.
From behind her he said softly: “No Mamon, Ruda. Finish the act on Wanton!”
Ruda was confused again. The she looked to Luis and gave a brief nod. As Wanton made his final leap to the top rung, Vernon passed the hoop of fire between the bars. Ruda took the flame torch and showed the audience the hoop. The orchestra picked up again. Ruda fixed the hoop to its stand, then stood back as she touched the cloth to set it alight. It blazed, while spotlights pinpointed the cats. The trapdoor to the tunnel was slid back.
Back at the cages the helpers
cajoled and pushed Mamon back into his small cage. They had to move fast to push the cage out of the way of the cats coming back down the tunnel from the ring. The men were sweating from exertion. Mamon was frantic, lunging at them, trying to swipe at them through the bars.
“Don’t even try to put him back in his main cage. Let him calm down. Get him out of the way. Come on, move it!”
The tractor was hooked up to Mamon’s cage and wheeled out of the clearing. In the ring, Roja jumped through the hoop and ran straight to the tunnel. One by one the cats followed, leaping gracefully through the flames as the lights flickered and spun, herding them back down the tunnel to their cages.
Wanton was the last to leap. From forty feet in the air the cat sprang and for a moment the spotlight caught him in midair. He sprang from the lowest pedestal and upward through the hoop in one fluid movement, his sleek black body bursting through the blazing hoop.
The ring went black and the lights came up with Wanton draped over Ruda’s shoulders. He rested across her, impervious to the wild cheers. Ruda slowly bent on one knee, dropped her head, and Wanton sprang off and returned down the tunnel.
Ruda took Grimaldi’s hand and they bowed together. As she leaned forward she felt the ground give way beneath her feet. Grimaldi swept her into his arms and, smiling, he carried Ruda from the ring, acknowledging the rapturous applause.
The safety barriers were dismantled quickly and as the helpers took out the gates, they saw Ruda assisted to a chair by Grimaldi. They brought her water and she drank thirstily, leaning against her husband. She covered her face with her hands. “Oh God. Oh God…”
She rocked backward and forward on the chair. Grimaldi angrily waved Vernon away as he approached. “No. Leave us alone. Leave us alone, she’s okay.”
He didn’t want anyone to see her in this condition. He knew how gossip spread and he didn’t want it said that Ruda Kellerman was sick. They had six more weeks, and a chance to go back to the States. Grimaldi lifted her to her feet. “We’ll go and change for the final parade, okay, Ruda? All right guys, everything’s under control. All the cats back in their cages?”
The tractor was pulling all the cages into their covered tent to be put back into their regular, heavier cages. Mamon growled and hissed, swiping and butting the bars. Grimaldi helped Ruda from the arena, then gestured for Mike.
“Be careful with the bastard, he looks mean,” he whispered. “Don’t move him if you’re worried, we’ll deal with him when he’s calmed down.”
Mike nodded and murmured that he’d get the feeds ready, then looked back as Mamon roared his fury. Mamon’s cage rocked dangerously as it moved out of sight. Grimaldi didn’t have to repeat his order: No one would go near him.
The cold air made Ruda gasp. Grimaldi put a protective arm around her shoulders. Her chest was heaving. “You were right, Luis. I should have listened to you. Seeing Rebecca again made my mind go, but I’ll be okay…maybe I need to lie down for a while.”
As Grimaldi walked her to the trailer he stepped on Vernon’s yellow rain cape, left by the side of the steps. He chucked it aside and helped Ruda inside. She sat down on the bunk, her head between her knees. Grimaldi poured a brandy and held it out for her. Ruda took the glass, cupping it in both hands. “You did okay out there, you old bastard.”
He grinned and got himself a drink. “Well you know me, I always did like a challenge.”
He caught his reflection in the mirror and chuckled. “I felt good. It’s been too long. Maybe if we did the first half we could work something up together. But I won’t work with Mamon, he’s your baby. Look back at tonight’s show—you don’t need him. Maybe we could try and get another panther. Wanton’s a great crowd-pleaser, they loved him. Did you hear that applause?”
Ruda pulled off her leather gloves. Grimaldi was staring at himself in the mirror.
“I’ll start working out, get this fat off me.” Grimaldi slapped his belly.
Ruda sipped her brandy, turned her face away. “Where’s Rebecca?”
He sat opposite her, the way they used to in the old days, his long legs propped up beside her.
“Vernon’s taking care of her, you just relax.”
Grimaldi cocked his head. “You want to tell me what happened? I mean, you blanked out, Ruda. In the middle of a big act! It made the old ticker jump.”
He smiled, but Ruda was worried about Rebecca. “You sure she’s with Vernon?”
“Yes, just relax. Eh! Did you see how fast I shot through that trapdoor? They were going into the first part of the act again, Ruda. Ruda?”
“You sure she’s with Vernon? I feel her. God, it’s hot, I’m so hot.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Rebecca was cold. Her head ached and she didn’t know how long she had been there. Had she fainted? This had happened before so many times—hours blanked out, even days. She was about to crawl out from beneath the trailer when she heard Ruda’s voice and the darker, heavier tones of Grimaldi directly above her.
Ruda pushed open the trailer window. “She has no memory of what happened. Strange, she remembers nothing. But she is to blame for what happened tonight, I know it.”
“Oh, come on. I don’t think you realized the emotional impact on you at seeing her. I warned you.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Why don’t you help me understand, Ruda? I want to.”
She laughed, some of her old anger returned. “Oh aren’t you suddenly Mister Wonderful! You think I don’t know why? Got your balls back tonight, did you? I may have fouled up, but you’ll never replace me. It’s my act, Luis, it’s mine.”
“How the hell do you think you’d have got out of there tonight without me? Maybe I did get my balls back, but it’s good I still had them! I admit I’ve been scared, Ruda, but tonight I faced it, didn’t even think about it. The fear went, I had no fear, Ruda!”
“What the fuck do you want me to say? You did great, you did good. Now leave me alone. I need to think about something. Just leave me alone.”
“One of these days, Ruda, I might do just that.”
He patted his pockets for a cigar. He struck a match, puffed the cigar alight, then turned back to her, prepared for a fight. He was surprised by the soft tone of her voice.
“I kept on seeing colors. I couldn’t give the right commands.”
Luis drew the ashtray closer and was about to interrupt when she continued.
“We were so young, they could only do the tests with color cards…”
“You told me!”
“No, you don’t understand. We could transmit coded colors. Don’t you realize how our minds are linked? That’s what was wrong tonight, it was me, Rebecca…”
She suddenly stood up. “Oh my God, where is she?”
“Look, just forget her for a second, okay? Sit down.” He poured another brandy, but Ruda couldn’t sit still. She knew Rebecca needed her.
Grimaldi handed her the brandy and stood over her. She stared into the glass. “What was any of it for, Luis? We were just another one of his insane experiments. He tried with other twins, too. He was able to identify which of the twins could receive—it was always the stronger of the two, the weaker one was the transmitter.”
She gave him her glass. “I don’t want it.” She breathed in heavily. Her body trembled as she rubbed the scars at her temples. “They clamped these wires to my head, which would burn. I didn’t understand what they wanted. When I finally did, it was easy. I always knew what she was thinking. If she bruised a knee I felt it. I always knew, Luis, as if she were inside my head, you know?”
He said nothing, simply watched her.
“After—years after, I sometimes felt she was close. It was strange. You ever had the feeling? Like you know you are about to meet someone, see someone, and you do. Well, I would often have the feeling she was close by. It would just be a feeling, and I would concentrate on her, as I had at the camp, I’d picture her face. But t
hen the feeling would go away and we’d travel on. But so many times I was sure she was there. I remember once I was in New York, I was so sure she was close, and then here—remember me saying I had this feeling? Well, she’s staying at the Grand Hotel.”
He saw her hand tighten into a fist. “I knew, always knew she was alive.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about her? If you knew she was alive, we could have searched for her together, put ads in the papers, there’s even organizations that—”
She interrupted him. “I searched, I never gave up hope, that’s why I started all my astrology letters, remember them? I was always thinking about her. You know, hoping maybe one letter would be from her. Everywhere I went I’d put ads in the papers, things that only she would understand, and I thought about her, concentrated on her.”
He sipped his brandy and waited.
“I would think about what she owed me, what I had done for her. Then I would become angry, because I knew she had to feel me too, had to know I was alive, and I would curse her, hate her for not coming to me. I wanted her to come to me, I wanted to put my hands around her throat and choke her to death.”
“What?”
“She left me…she left me, Luis, she left me.” Her voice was hardly audible. He poured himself another brandy, uncertain if what he was hearing made any sense. Ruda was silent, staring from the window. When she continued her voice was stronger.
“I kept her alive. But when the Russians liberated the camp, I saw her from the hospital window walking hand in hand with a soldier. The soldier lifted her up onto his shoulders. I saw him give her chocolate. And she never turned back, never came back for me.”
Entwined Page 45
