by Shelly Bell
Ashley had dabbled as a professional escort as a way to put herself through college. As soon as she earned her degree in accounting, she terminated her career as an escort and became an accountant, no longer having sex with men. With her porcelain skin and long auburn hair, she could have been a supermodel.
I never understood how she could have sex with someone she wasn’t attracted to, but she swore attraction had nothing to do with sex. I almost threw up once when an unattractive guy I didn’t know stuck his tongue in my mouth at a party.
Caitlin consistently dressed in plaid shirts and boots. She wore her hair short and wouldn’t be caught dead in makeup. She came out of the metaphorical closet at age thirteen. Her parents hugged her and told her they accepted her fully and wanted her to feel comfortable bringing a date home with her. So she did. Often. Her parents believed since she couldn’t get pregnant and the risk of sexually transmitted diseases was low, she could have sex as much as she wanted. In fact, they didn’t really consider what she did as sex because sex could only occur between a man and a woman. They not only accepted, but encouraged her behavior. By the time she had graduated high school, Caitlin had boasted she had slept with over thirty women between the ages of fourteen to twenty.
Now Nina, Ashley, and Caitlin sought true love, just like Missy and me. We banded together like those who would find themselves shipwrecked on a deserted island, depending on each other for support.
I needed these women now more than ever.
“I need your advice,” I began as I drank my coffee.
“Of course, sweetie. Is it about sex?” Nina asked hopefully.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, it is,” I admitted.
While Nina, Ashley, and Caitlin all seemed eager to hear about my sexual woes, Missy appeared as though she wanted to be anywhere but at Drag Queen Bingo. As soon as we figured out how I should deal with Caleb’s tame proclivities in the sack, I would find out what was going on with Missy.
“Tell us all about it,” Ashley said, offering me a bite of her cake.
“Caleb and I had sex for the first time last weekend.”
“How was it?” Caitlin asked.
“If it was any good, do you think she’d be asking us freaks for advice?” Missy spouted.
The others shrugged their shoulders.
I had to spit it out before I lost my nerve. “He won’t go down on me.”
They sat there with their mouths open in disbelief, while I tried not to bolt out of the room.
“You mean, like, ever?” Ashley inquired.
“No, he finds it unsavory.”
They all laughed. I didn’t get it.
“Well, does he compensate for his lazy tongue?” Ashley asked.
“No. He’s not very, I mean, um, he’s not very endowed.”
“Did he make sure he satisfied you at all?” Nina asked.
“No, he said an orgasm wasn’t the purpose of making love. It’s the intimacy two people share, the connection.”
“That’s true, but there’s no rule that says you can’t be intimate and enjoy yourself at the same time,” Missy added.
I felt on the verge of tears. Martha sat with us. “What did I miss?”
“Her boyfriend won’t go down on her,” Nina revealed to Martha.
I groaned from embarrassment. Soon everyone in the entire store would hear about my problems in the bedroom.
“Maybe that’s because he doesn’t know what he’s doing,” Martha offered.
“I don’t know. He seemed pretty convincing when he said it was because he doesn’t enjoy the smell or taste of, um, you know ...”
“Pussy,” said Martha.
“Vajayjay,” said Nina.
“Cunt,” said Ashley.
“Down there,” said Caitlin.
“Vagina,” said Missy.
Soon the room joined in offering various names of a woman’s privates.
“Pink Taco.”
“Honeypot.”
“Lady parts.”
“Hoo Ha.”
“Muffin.”
It went on and on for ten minutes, until the room ran out of colloquialisms for it. Then Martha stood and informed everyone bingo would be delayed for a few minutes, but to enjoy a cup of coffee on the house.
“Now we have completed our linguistics lesson for the day, we should get to our technique,” proclaimed Martha.
“That’s all right...” I said, thinking of an excuse to leave this place.
“No, no. This is good. We’re lesbians. We know everything there is to know about cunnilingus,” Ashley declared.
“Why don’t we talk about this later? Martha needs to get the bingo game started or the crowds are going to get angry,” I asserted.
“No, they’ll be fine, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” Martha said.
I sat there glued to my seat while my friends explained in detail the nuances of oral sex.
“First of all, you need to know your own body. You do know where your clitoris is, right?” Ashley asked, pronouncing it clit-OR-is.
“CLIT-oris,” Missy corrected.
“That’s what I said,” Ashley stated.
“No, you said clit-OR-is. It’s pronounced CLIT-oris. The emphasis should be on the clit,” Missy said.
“Clit-OR-is, CLIT-oris. You can say it either way. Though Missy’s got the right idea. The emphasis must always be on the clit.” Nina giggled.
“All right, all right. Yes, Ashley, I might not be a lesbian, but I do know where to find my clitoris.”
“How do you like it stimulated?” asked Ashley.
“What do you mean exactly?” I responded. Honestly, what kind of question is that?
“Some women like a soft touch while others prefer a firmer one. Then of course, some like a circular motion and others like an up and down one,” Ashley said.
“Don’t forget back and forth,” Caitlin added.
“Then there’s the issue of the part of the tongue you prefer. You can create completely different sensations depending on whether you use the flat part or the tip of the tongue,” explained Nina clinically, as though we were sitting in anatomy class.
“Oh, and then there’s the blow job,” Ashley said.
“I don’t need lessons on how to give a guy a blow job,” I reminded my friends.
“I was talking about giving a woman a blow job,” Ashley stated.
“Oh, sorry,” I said, shifting in my seat. “I’ve never heard of that.”
“The tissue of the clitoris is almost identical to the tissue found in the penis. You can suck on the clitoris like you’d give a man a blowjob. Since you already know how to do that, I don’t need to explain it any further,” Ashley said.
By now, Missy laughed so hard she practically fell out of her chair. I shot her a dirty look, but that just made her laugh harder.
“Even if he won’t go down on you, he could use his fingers to get you off. Or if you’re comfortable, you can bring some toys into the mix,” Nina said with a twinkle in her eye.
“Ooh, yeah. Do you own a vibrator?” Caitlin asked.
“Um, no.”
“Every girl needs a vibrator. Then, you won’t even need Caleb!” Caitlin announced.
“I think Caleb might take offense to becoming sexually irrelevant.” Nina laughed.
“Do you think he’d take offense if you introduced a vibrator in the bedroom?” Ashley asked.
“He’s kind of on the conservative side. I doubt he’d be ready to deal with sex toys.” I couldn’t picture Caleb ever getting into sex toys like handcuffs or blindfolds. He just didn’t strike me as one of those men.
“In the meantime, you should show him what he needs to do to bring you to orgasm. Guys really like it when girls masturbate in front of them,” Nina offered.
“I, um, really?” I didn’t know if I could do that in front of Caleb.
“Definitely. Guys think it’s hot!” Nina reiterated.
“Then once you demonst
rate how you like it, give him a shot at you. He can use his thumb to stimulate your clitoris while penetrating you with his fingers in a ‘come hither’ motion which will stroke your G-spot,” explained Ashley.
“I thought G-spots were a myth.”
They laughed again, and I felt like a ten-year-old virgin.
“I think men started that rumor,” Missy exclaimed.
“The G-spot is tissue you can find when you’re already aroused and if you have him massage it while touching your clitoris, you’ll have the most amazing orgasm of your life,” Nina professed.
They all nodded in agreement, with the exception of Missy and Martha.
“Do you have anything to add to this conversation, Martha?”
“Well, I don’t have a clitoris, but like all you girls, I have a heart. That, my dear, is the most important organ when it comes to lovemaking. If you love each other, you’ll be able to work it out.”
“But you don’t, do you, Sara?” asked Missy.
“I don’t know, maybe. After we made love, he told me he loved me.”
“You didn’t tell me that,” Missy accused.
“What did you say?” Caitlin asked.
“I told him I loved him, too.”
Missy stared at me with a strange expression on her face. Maybe she was jealous because I had found someone and she hadn’t. That would certainly be a rational explanation for her behavior lately. The more I thought about it, the more I believed it.
I turned to Missy. “No matter what happens, we’re always going to be best friends, Missy. No one will ever replace you.”
“I know.”
“You know, it all goes out the window once you’re in love. Love trumps bad sex,” Caitlin said with a wistful sigh.
“You don’t have to follow our advice, sunshine. You’re closer than we are to finding true love. You must be doing something right,” Nina stated.
“Yeah, forget our advice. Just listen to your heart,” Ashley advised.
That was the problem. My heart wasn’t talking to me.
“Martha, I think you can start the bingo now.”
Even though Missy won a gift card in bingo, she didn’t smile the rest of the night. I tried to talk about it on the ride home, but she insisted there was nothing wrong. Instead, she wished me luck with Caleb and reminded me to ask him to be my ‘plus one’ to Jill’s wedding this Saturday.
I considered going stag, so Missy wouldn’t feel jealous, but I wanted to test out Caleb’s feeling toward marriage, and Jill’s wedding seemed like the perfect opportunity. Then after, we’d try out some of my newfound knowledge in the sexual arts.
CHAPTER 19
MAY 26, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
WEIGHT: 183
STATUS: COMMITTED
After an emergency counseling session by phone with Dina, I had no energy left to fake my way through Jill’s wedding. Dina had spent an hour crying hysterically about her alleged best friend Christine’s betrayal yet again. I believed we had finally resolved that matter a month earlier, but apparently, she had intentionally kept the issue out of our weekly sessions because she assumed I was tired of hearing about it. Sadly, I couldn’t deny her claim, yet I also needed her to trust me enough not to hold back her feelings. If she couldn’t be honest with me, the therapeutic process would be compromised and I’d have to suggest another psychologist for her.
Tonight, I let her unburden everything she had been holding in this past month. How angry she feels toward Christine for dating the boy she knew Dina liked. How betrayed. How wounded. The one word she refused to use was jealous. She never admitted to being jealous over Christine for winning Robby’s heart. She refused to discuss the possibility, cutting me off whenever I brought it up to her. That’s how I knew I had hit the nail on the head.
I advised her to keep a journal she should write in every day, noting both her feelings and her actions. She should bring the journal to share with me in our sessions. My hope is her journal will provide me with additional information she might not even think to discuss with me.
Now I had an hour to make myself presentable before Caleb came to pick me up for Jill’s wedding. I didn’t want to spend the evening with a fake smile painted on my face, pretending it didn’t bother me that another one of my friends had found their soul mate. At least I’d have Caleb by my side this evening. Caleb could charm the pants off of the First Lady. I didn’t doubt he’d make the perfect companion for tonight’s extravaganza.
I didn’t have time to take another shower. I spritzed my hair with a water bottle to eliminate the frizz. One of the biggest dilemmas with curly hair is the inability to brush it while it’s dry. I can wet it, then brush it and add mousse, gel, and hair spray.
After feeling somewhat satisfied with my hair, I moved on to my makeup. I don’t do makeup as well as Ophelia, but I tried to apply it as she had taught me. The first time I put on my eye shadow, I looked like I had a black eye. So I started again, using less of the darker gray and more of the shimmering silver. Since my disaster at my brother’s wedding, I hadn’t used mascara, but I decided to attempt it tonight, applying a very light layer to my already naturally curly lashes.
I wanted luscious lips, you know, the ones no man can resist. I used a lip pencil and matte lipstick with a layer of lip gloss. As I scrutinized my work in the mirror, I decided my lips definitely appeared kissable.
Pleased with the results, I chose another sexy lacy bra to entice Caleb with later tonight. Then I contemplated whether to complete the ensemble with matching panties or go commando. I already had to wear pantyhose, although I decided to leave the restrictive Spanx at home, choosing comfort over the mirage of weighing ten pounds less than I really do. Panties seemed unnecessary this evening. Besides, I thought the idea of going without sounded rather sexy. Perhaps I’d even whisper in Caleb’s ear tonight with that tidbit of info. I wonder how he’d respond to that knowledge. Would it disgust him? Turn him on? There was only one way to find out.
I had just put on my black skirt and leopard print blouse when Caleb rang my doorbell. I slipped on my heels and ran for the door, tripping on the way and slamming my head on the wall. I sat there for a moment while stars flickered in my eyes. I shook it off, stumbled to my feet, then opened the door for Caleb. He stood there in a navy suit, his light brown hair newly cut, his blue eyes sparkling as the sun set behind him, and I threw myself into his arms, kissing him.
He pushed me inside and up against the wall where I had just hit my head, returning my kisses. All of a sudden, the stars returned and I felt a bit woozy. He must have kissed me good and proper to feel like this.
Then I fainted.
I’ve never fainted in my life, but I felt like I couldn’t stay awake anymore and the room started spinning and I had to close my eyes. The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor with my head in Caleb’s lap.
“Wow, Sara. That kiss was amazing, but something tells me that wasn’t what caused you to faint,” he said, sounding concerned. He brushed my hair off of my face, and I felt safe in his arms. I really did care for him. Maybe I even loved him.
“I hit my head on the wall right before you got here,” I confessed.
“You might have a concussion. We should go to the hospital to make sure you’re okay,” he advised.
“No, I can’t miss the wedding. I’m sure if it is a concussion, it’s only a mild one.”
“I don’t want to take the chance you’re seriously hurt,” he said as he kissed my hand.
“How about a compromise?”
He arched one of his eyebrows in puzzlement.
“I’ll call my doctor and if he says I have to go to the hospital, I will,” I promised, knowing full well my doctor wouldn’t advise me to go to the hospital.
“Deal,” he replied as he pulled out his cell phone.
I called my doctor and got his answering service. I was told if the doctor didn’t call me within a half an hour to call back.
“We might as well head out to the wedding. If he wants me to go the hospital, we’ll turn around. I don’t want to miss the ceremony if we don’t have to.”
Caleb helped me stand and put his arm around me for support. In that moment, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I also knew Caleb was one of the best of men.
I felt better as we drove to the wedding, although the bump on my head hurt when I touched it. My doctor called and he advised not to touch the bump if it hurt. He had always been a smart ass. He also informed me I didn’t need to go to the hospital unless I fainted again, felt nauseous, or started acting irrationally. I laughed since I always act irrationally and he supplemented he meant more than usual. Then he told me to follow-up with him in the morning.
Satisfied, I smirked at Caleb. “My doctor demanded we have a good time tonight.”
“How could we not with you looking so beautiful?”
I took his hand in mine and squeezed it, a smile on my face. “You’re looking pretty hot yourself.”
We got to the hotel just in time to watch Jill walk down the aisle in her Monique Lhuillier wedding gown. I had learned everything I never wanted to know about finding the right dress from Jill. She and her mother had flown to New York City and Los Angeles to shop for the perfect wedding gown because apparently, “one must purchase the dress directly from the designer’s own salon.”
Truthfully, the silk and satin princess dress looked beautiful on Jill, but I still don’t get why anyone would spend more than seven thousand dollars on clothing that could be worn only once. Not to mention, I’m sure Jill would appear just as beautiful in a seven hundred dollar gown, because as she walked down the steps to the man she would soon marry, she positively glowed.
Caleb and I sat near the back of the room his arm possessively draped around my shoulders, while I scanned the room for my friends and family. I immediately found my brother, Seth, sitting between his wife Emily and Missy. On Missy’s other side sat Goldman.
I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since we’d slept next to each other after the Passover Seder. Hopefully, he’d keep his mouth shut about that piece of information. Even though nothing happened, I wouldn’t want Caleb to learn about it. I needed to head him off before he said anything.
