by Shelly Bell
“I don’t understand how you can have so much energy this early in the morning,” I said to Nate without opening my eyes.
Nate arrived to pick me up from my condo at five in the morning to take me to my office for my interview with the Morning show.
“I go to sleep by ten and I do stretches before my feet even touch the floor in the morning. It gets the circulation moving and then I’m good to go,” he explained matter-of-factly.
“I hate you,” I muttered.
Nate just laughed. “No you don’t. You love me and you know it.”
He was right. In the ten days we’d started hanging out together, he had become an important fixture in my life. I did love him, in a platonic manner, of course.
“Yes, I love you. I just envy the amount of energy you have. I don’t have any energy until I get my caffeine fix.”
“Well, we can solve that dilemma right now,” Nate announced, pulling into my favorite coffee shop.
Fifteen minutes and half a cup of coffee later, I paced the floors of my office waiting for the media to arrive. Just before six, five people appeared to prepare me for my interview. Nate sat in the chairs usually reserved for my clients and watched with fascination.
“This is really cool. Those wires will allow Bethany to see us and us to see Bethany?” Nate asked the cameraman, who appeared rather annoyed by the question.
“Satellite,” he responded, nodding his head. Not a man of many words for someone who makes his living in the media.
“Cool,” said Nate, mocking the cameraman with his own nodding of his head.
I giggled, not because Nate was funny but because of nerves.
As someone placed a mike on my shirt, Nate got up from the chair and crossed the room to take my hands. “How you doing, sweetie?”
“I’m a little nervous,” I confessed, starting to hyperventilate. I shook with anxiety in the same intensity as I did on an airplane.
“You’ll be great, Sara. Do you know what you’re going to say?”
Before I could answer, they gave me a one-minute warning and placed me on my chair. Nate stood in the back of the room and gave me two thumbs up. Meanwhile, I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Five, four, three, two ...” The camera indicated the live feed, and I spotted Bethany behind a screen several feet away.
I sat with a frozen smile on my face as she introduced the segment. I had only one goal in this interview. I needed to clear up the confusion over my alleged engagement to Caleb.
“Tell us, Sara, how has your search for your soul mate been going?”
“Great.” Terrible. “I’m optimistic I will meet my deadline.” No way in hell am I getting married by my thirtieth birthday.
“I understand you got engaged at the beginning of the month.”
“I did, but it didn’t work out. Caleb and I care for each other very much, but in the end, we both decided we weren’t right for each other.” I agonized over the way I would explain how Caleb and I broke our engagement. I wanted Adam to know the truth about why I said “yes” to the proposal, but I couldn’t hurt Caleb. Describing our parting as mutual seemed best for all parties involved. It wasn’t exactly a lie. After I turned down Caleb’s proposal, he didn’t want to marry me either.
“I’m sorry to hear that. What do you think was missing from your relationship with Caleb?”
“I don’t know if I could give you specifics ...” Great sex. Romance. Passion. “I guess we anticipated the difference in our religions would one day cause us a problem. Really, it was just something we both knew in our hearts. We still care for one another and we remained friends.” Friends who haven’t spoken since the breakup and probably never would.
“Does this mean you’re back on the market?” Bethany asked.
“I plan on renewing my membership with JDate.” I did, but I wouldn’t agree to date anyone.
“What do you think you’ll do differently this time?”
“I’m taking time right now to focus more on myself. It’s been brought to my attention I have some issues I need to work on. I think I’ll have a hard time opening up to the possibility of meeting my soul mate until I’ve done some healing, but you never know.”
“Can I ask what issues you’re addressing?”
Man, I just walked into that question.
“I have a hard time making decisions for myself. I made some detrimental mistakes this year which led to me losing my best friend. It’s really important to me to become a better person, more deserving of her friendship. She may never forgive me, but I have to do it anyway. I can’t throw away twenty-five years of friendship away, and I hope she won’t either.” Shit, I started to cry.
“Please keep us apprised of your progress and good luck to you.”
“Thanks Bethany,” I sobbed. As soon as the satellite feed terminated, I rushed into Nate’s open arms.
“Shh, it’s all going to work out,” he whispered, rubbing my back in comforting circles.
I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t see past this moment. I missed my best friend and I missed Adam. I was more determined than ever to do what I needed to heal. Hopefully, I’d get my happily ever after. Missy would forgive me, and Adam and I would find our way back to each other. If not, I had my new friends in my life.
“Now that you got this out of the way, you can focus on tonight,” Nate teased.
I sighed. “Tonight.”
“How was Israel?” Seth asked over his small plate of spaghetti.
“I, uh, had a great time. Israel was beautiful.”
When I didn’t add anything further, Emily followed up with a question of her own. “Did you meet anyone?”
“No. Why?”
“I don’t know. You broke up with Caleb right when you got home. Seth and I thought maybe you had met someone while on the singles trip.”
“Not cool, by the way,” Seth added.
“Seth!” my mother warned.
My hand subconsciously reached for the breadbasket. I caught myself before I gave into temptation. I had to get through this without using food. I briefly closed my eyes and silently asked my higher power for the strength to get through this family dinner without falling apart.
I used to love our family birthday dinners. It gave me the opportunity to eat a large quantity of food without having to pay for it. Our tradition was to eat at an Italian restaurant known for its many courses: soup, salad, pasta, and then the meal usually consisting of steak, potato, and green beans. I never ordered my own dessert, but I always made sure to sample everyone else’s. Even with all of that food, I would still leave the restaurant hungry. Now, I skipped the soup and pasta, and ordered both my salad and my meal dry.
Tonight, we were celebrating Seth’s birthday. That meant I couldn’t kill him. I’d have to hold my tongue around him.
“Listen, I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Caleb, and I understand whatever happened isn’t any of my business. Maybe it would be better if you didn’t date my friends anymore.” I knew deep down he was kidding. I tried to hold back the tears, but the dam burst anyway.
“Oh, jeez, I’m sorry, Sara. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I know whatever happened with Caleb wasn’t your fault.”
“I know. Don’t worry about it. What happened between Caleb and me had nothing to do with Israel.” I paused, reconsidering. “Actually, it had a lot to do with Israel, but it wasn’t because of someone else. I knew before I left for Israel it wasn’t going to work out between us. I just didn’t have the courage to break things off completely. I wish I hadn’t hurt him, but it would have been much worse if I stayed with him for all the wrong reasons.”
“What are you going to do now?” my father asked. It surprised me that my mom hadn’t filled him in on OA or what happened in Israel. Surprised, but grateful.
“Like I said in my interview this morning, I’m going to work on myself right now. I don’t really want to date anyone.”
“Anot
her diet?” my brother asked.
“No. I’ve given up on dieting. I joined Overeaters Anonymous,” I announced, preparing myself for all the follow-up questions, but they never came.
“Good for you,” Emily said, smiling at me. She winked as she changed the subject to what she believed an appropriate topic.
“We heard Goldman went on the Israel trip. Got any blackmail info we can use on him?”
“What did he tell you?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. I knew in my gut my mom would pick up my discomfort and put two and two together. When I snuck a peek, she had a smile on her face. To her credit, she stayed quiet.
“He didn’t say much, which is why we figured there must be something he’s hiding,” Seth said.
I shook my head and tried to appear perplexed. “Nope. Not that I know of.” I hated lying, but it wasn’t anyone else’s business what went on between Adam and me.
Hoping they bought the lie, I put on a happy face and changed the subject. My mom blew me a kiss and I sat back in my chair, relieved this miserable day was almost over.
CHAPTER 33
AUGUST 18, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
WEIGHT: UNKNOWN
STATUS: SINGLE
Over the next several weeks, I barely had time to think, much less worry. With one more Morning show interview under my belt, the producers swore I’d only have two more to go. One was already scheduled for my birthday. The other would occur sometime in October. I didn’t have much to say to Bethany this time. I explained I needed time to fix my own soul before I could pick up in my quest for my soul mate. She asked what it entailed and I stayed vague. I didn’t want to announce to millions of viewers I was a food addict. I preferred the anonymity of Overeaters Anonymous, especially in light of my career.
I followed Alison’s recommendation and saw a nutritionist with experience with compulsive overeaters. With her help, I identified the foods I considered dangerous for me, mainly wheat products and anything with sugar. I completely eliminated them from my food plan. That meant all my favorite foods. No more cookies warm from the oven or gallons of rocky road ice cream. No pasta with melted butter or double-baked rye bread. No birthday cake. No cheesy pizza.
In the past twenty years, I’ve been on almost every diet there is in existence. I started on Weight Watchers at eight years old when I lost my first twelve pounds. I’ve tried the Rotation Diet, low-fat, low carb, Nutrisystem, shakes, LA Weight Loss, and then Weight Watchers, over and over again. I went to a fat camp for adolescents. I saw nutritionists, doctors, psychologists, hypnotherapists, and acupuncturists.
I both lost and gained thousands of pounds throughout the years and had spent enough money to put me through another four years of college. While in graduate school, I had surgery to remove my gall bladder, due to gallstones caused by years of restrictive dieting.
My addiction to food was slowly killing me. I wouldn’t let it win.
I learned that, like alcoholism, compulsive overeating is a disease. Willpower doesn’t work. I had to learn to surrender to my Higher Power and then somehow through the Twelve Steps, my compulsion to overeat would be lifted.
For one day at a time, I wouldn’t eat wheat or sugar.
Days turned into weeks.
Weeks turned into a month.
I had never felt as proud of myself as when I received my thirty-day coin from Alison at a meeting. I had remained abstinent from wheat and sugar and no longer compulsively overate. I had accepted I was powerless over food and turned my will over to my Higher Power. I worked the Steps and the program by attending daily meetings, journaling, and making phone calls.
Every morning at seven I ate an abstinent healthy breakfast to start out the day with energy. Then, I went to my office to get my paperwork completed before going to a ten o’clock OA meeting. After my meeting, I went to the gym and exercised for a half an hour. I’d follow exercise with an abstinent lunch at my office, work until eight, and have an abstinent dinner at my condo with Spock.
I made sure I got about eight hours of sleep a night. No more, no less. Bed was only for sleeping, not for hiding from the world.
The only time I despised were the weekends when I didn’t have the same demands of the week. How ironic. I used to curse my responsibilities because they took me away from the one thing I wanted-food and lots of it. Now, I craved any responsibility that would keep me busy, so I didn’t have to think about Adam or that soon I’d have to go on national television and admit I’m a failure.
I have to be careful about my weekends because of my tendency to isolate myself from the outside world. I try to maintain a similar schedule as the weekdays, attending meetings and exercising. I even spend time with my parents on the weekend.
Friday nights I spend with Nate at our synagogue. I’d use the time to connect with my Higher Power. Then we’d go to a bar and sing karaoke. He was becoming an important friend to my healing and hopefully, my friendship helped him as well.
Hannah and Alison have gotten into the habit of including me in their Saturday night plans. I’ve never enjoyed dancing at clubs, but with them, I had fun. They remind me I’m not there to impress anyone. I’m there to dance with my friends.
I have been hit on a time or two at the bars and I’ve received a few inquiries for dates on JDate, but I’m not ready to date anyone at this point in my recovery. Ironically, since I’ve been abstinent from compulsive overeating, men have been flirting with me. Alison and Hannah said it’s because I have more confidence in myself. I’m sure they’re right, but I also know the truth.
I’ve lost weight.
I don’t know how much because Alison won’t let me go on a scale. For food addicts, the scale is a dangerous weapon. I used to go on the scale at least twice a day when I dieted, obsessed with the number. I could have eaten healthily, but if I gained even an ounce, I’d become disappointed in myself and disillusioned with the diet. I mean if you do exactly what they tell you to do on a diet and you gain weight, what’s the point, right? It was the number that counted.
I learned the problem with diets is they only focus on losing weight. Some programs claim to teach healthy eating habits as well and of course, that’s important. For some people like me, weight is a symptom of an underlying illness in which no diet can cure.
Miraculously, I found the cure in OA.
With some self-confidence and weight loss, I have a greater selection of men from which to choose, but I no longer want them! Hannah said men love a challenge and now that I’m unattainable, I became more desirable to them. Her logic hurts my head.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept a sliver of belief maybe Adam and I will find our way back to each other.
Even if we didn’t, I wanted to remain faithful to him until Halloween. I plan on going to my brother’s party and if Adam doesn’t come, I’ll accept he didn’t want me. Even if Adam was there and didn’t want me, I’d accept his decision. At least I would know I honored my promise to him and I did everything I could to make it work.
I still didn’t know if I could forego marriage. Alison said I shouldn’t try and make that decision right now. I should pray to my Higher Power for guidance and believe the answer will be provided to me.
One thing I did know. I am not going to be married by my thirtieth birthday. I could admit that now.
If Adam didn’t want me, I would survive. I had the support of my friends, my family, and most importantly, my Higher Power. I had to put my faith in His hands and believe everything that happened was for a reason. If Adam and I didn’t end up together living happily ever after, then my Higher Power has a different plan for me.
I have no doubt my Higher Power sent Alison and Hannah to me. Through them, I’ve learned about friendship. I could see the part I played in my dysfunctional friendship with Missy. Someday soon I would need to make amends with Missy. Maybe then we could learn how to be friends again.
Little did I know that day would come sooner than later.
“I’m glad you decided to come dancing with us,” Hannah yelled over the blare of the music.
Hannah and Alison had convinced me to go dancing at a club that played disco and eighties music. I was the designated driver since I had eliminated alcohol from my food plan. Hannah and Alison took the opportunity to get very drunk and silly.
Because I’ve never felt comfortable dancing in front of other people, I’d get drunk in order to deal with my discomfort. That way, I couldn’t be held responsible for my behavior.
My drunkenness had led me to my stupid declaration to marry by the time I turned thirty. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic, but without using food as a coping mechanism, I didn’t want to take a chance and replace it with alcohol.
Now I was at a bar, dancing, completely sober, and having a great time. I had been abstinent for over ninety days and had reached my goal of making ninety meetings in ninety days. I had a satisfactory career, good friends, my health, a roof over my head, and a cat I loved who loved me back.
Life was good.
Hannah danced with a guy who reminded me of someone who could be a member of Hell’s Angels. He had multiple tattoos and wore a black leather vest and leather pants. She appeared happy, so I didn’t bother rescuing her.
She came back over to me, laughing and giddy.
“Hey, girlfriends! That guy over there told me about a new store that just opened a block over from here. He owns it with a couple of other guys and he said he can get us a discount if we want.” She looked positively euphoric.
“What kind of store?” I asked while we danced to Abba’s “Dancing Queen.”
“Sex toys.”
I stopped dancing. Did she say sex toys?
Alison rolled her eyes at Hannah, then shook her head. “Hannah has a thing for debauchery.”
“I’ve never been to a sex toy store.” I knew of a couple in the area, but I would never have imagined I’d actually go into one. I had even been invited to sex toy parties, but the idea of talking about sex openly seemed ... embarrassing.
