by Shelly Bell
My biggest fear is the fear of being alone. The phobia is termed monophobia and is also referred to as autophobia. The funniest thing is I used to think I didn’t mind it. I’ve spent plenty of Saturday nights alone in my condo and I didn’t think I feared it. But I did. That’s why I needed and used substances to quell the anxiety.
Some people use alcohol. Others use drugs or sex. I use food.
I’m ready to admit I’m a compulsive overeater. Food is my drug of choice and I used it because I’m terrified of being alone.
That’s why I wanted to find my soul mate by my thirtieth birthday. I believed if I got married, I’d never be alone again. I failed to consider I could feel completely alone even if married. I can feel alone in a room full of people.
I spoke about beshert at my brother’s wedding. I don’t think soul mates are two halves of a whole. I believe two whole souls join together. If I married right now, it couldn’t be beshert because I’m not quite whole yet. But I’m working on it ...
CHAPTER 37
OCTOBER 31, 2012
DETROIT, MICHIGAN
“Sara! I’m glad you’re here! You look great!” Emily shouted from across the crowded foyer of the home she and Seth shared.
I had settled on a red Star Trek dress that fell mid-thigh which I paired with knee high black boots. It was both comfortable and sexy, the best combination. I didn’t work too hard on my makeup, only adding a little red lipstick and black eyeliner.
Missy had a date with Hannah tonight, but she wished me luck before I left for the party. She and Hannah had dressed as dominatrices. I think Hannah had all the clothes in her closet already. I told Missy I wanted to see pictures.
Alison was going to a party with David from our Israel trip. I didn’t want to pry, but I had a feeling something had happened between them our last night in Jerusalem. I thought they would make a great couple and I hoped things worked out for them.
It wasn’t as though I was going to a party where I wouldn’t know anyone. After all, the party was at my brother and sister-in-law’s house and I had known at least half of the guests for more than ten years, if not longer.
Only this was the first time I came to my brother’s Halloween party without Missy at my side. I tried to be brave. If anyone could hear my heartbeat, they’d know instantly I was terrified.
Tonight, I might see Adam.
I scanned the room, but there was no sign of him. My brother and Emily came over to greet me and give me a hug.
“You guys look adorable!” I said, and they did. They were dressed as pirates.
“Why don’t you take off your coat and put it in the den with all the others?” Seth said as he walked me toward the designated coatroom.
“Sure. Is Adam here?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant. He and Emily still knew nothing about our time together in Israel, other than the fact we were both on the trip.
“Adam? Oh, you mean, Goldman? No, he’s not going to make it tonight. Said he had something else to do tonight.”
A wave of disappointment crashed over me as I fought off the urge to cry. I wanted to leave the party, go home, and get under the covers with a gallon of ice cream.
Which is why I wouldn’t leave.
I would acknowledge my sadness, but I wouldn’t let it win. I’d stay at the party and try to have a good time. I could always cry later.
Emily opened the door to the den, and I entered, babbling on to her about how great they decorated for the holiday. The door shut behind me, engulfing me into complete darkness.
“What the hell, Emily!” I yelled. I was not in the mood for scary pranks right now.
I felt a hand reach out of the dark and wrap around my waist. I started to shake, but it wasn’t out of fear. I could smell him in the room.
Adam.
“What?” was all I was able to say before Adam tugged me tightly to him and claimed my lips the same way he had at my brother’s wedding.
We had so much to say to each other, but right then, I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to feel and touch. There would be time later to discuss our future.
I ran one hand up the back of his neck and through his hair. My other hand cupped his cheek as I returned each kiss with everything I had inside of me.
I didn’t care if someone walked in the room and caught us. I put my hands on his chest and yanked his shirt over his head. His breathing accelerated, and I felt the warmth radiating off of his skin. I needed it against my naked skin. I pulled off my dress, leaving me in my bra, panties and boots. He groaned and we fell to the floor our bodies entwined.
His hands went around my back to unhook my bra and I giggled.
“What’s so funny?”
“The hook to the bra is in the front,” I said, causing another groan out of him.
Less than a minute later, our clothes removed, we stopped and held each other close, reveling in the joy of our togetherness. He reached over, searching for something and swearing softly under his breath. I rolled over to kiss and caress his back as he tore open the condom package.
The floor may have not been my first choice for making love, but right now all I could think about was how it right it felt to be back in Adam’s arms. He rolled on top of me and entered me in one thrust.
Thank God we skipped the foreplay. Three months was long enough, and I couldn’t have waited a second more.
I didn’t say anything. Instead, I let go of everything in my head and concentrated on how wonderful it felt to be connected to Adam. As I came, Adam muffled my yell with his mouth. He finished a minute later, sending me into another orgasm.
He withdrew, and we stayed on our backs catching our breath, neither one knowing how to start the conversation. Although I had shared my body, I wasn’t ready to give him my heart quite yet.
“Did my brother know you were waiting in here for me?”
Adam’s hand moved to my hair and he played with it while he answered. “It was his idea.”
“I thought we weren’t going to tell my brother about what happened in Israel?”
“I didn’t. Not until two days ago.”
“What happened two days ago?”
“That’s when I made my decision.” He yanked me toward him, so the sides of our bodies touched from shoulder to foot. Although it was warm in the house, I shivered as his hand left my hair and began to caress my neck and shoulders.
“Decision?” I asked, my voice barely audible due to the rush of returning arousal his touches caused. I coughed to clear my throat and he laughed, obviously aware of what his touches did to me.
“That I’d do anything to be with you. Including marry you,” he whispered in my ear, nipping at the lobe.
“Are you sure you’re over your fear of marriage? Because if you could promise me a lifetime commitment including children, I wouldn’t need a silly marriage license to tell me we belong together,” I explained, wondering if I should have kept it to myself. After all, he had just told me he’d consider marrying me one day.
“I’m sure, Sara. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these last few months, but one thing was always clear to me. I love you, and I don’t want to live without you. You’re mine and I want the whole world to know it,” he said kissing my neck, my face, and my lips.
“I love you, too. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life these last few months. You may not love the new Sara.”
“Unless you became an ax murderer, I know I’ll still love you. Hell, even then I’d love you. Besides, I know all about these changes. I read your blog.”
“You read my blog?”
“Of course. Just because we agreed not to communicate didn’t mean I wouldn’t read your blog. Or watch your interviews. Or stare at your picture a thousand times a day.”
We began to kiss, but before we could go any further, I stopped him. “What did you tell my brother?”
He paused, and I could sense even in the dark he was thinking of the right way to phrase it. “I told Seth I’ve been in love w
ith you since we were kids and I had screwed up in my typical fashion. I couldn’t live without you.”
“He bought it?” I teased.
“Hook, line, and sinker. He called Emily into the room, filled her in on our story, and she gave me the idea to lock us into the den.”
“We’re locked in?” I yelled a little too loudly.
“More like they’re locked out.”
“This idea of plunging me into the darkness. I’m assuming you told them about our kiss at their wedding?”
“Yes. Emily asked me when things really got started between us. Somehow she sensed Israel wasn’t the first time.” His fingers massaged my neck and started their descent down my body. It felt so good, I wanted to stop talking, but I couldn’t allow myself to become distracted until we settled absolutely everything.
“Adam, who answered your cell phone the night we got back?”
Silence.
I waited patiently for his answer, not sure if I could handle the truth.
Finally, in what seemed like minutes, although it was more like seconds, he answered, “Jenny.”
I sat up. “Jenny, your ex-girlfriend, Jenny?”
“Yes, but it’s not like you think.” Adam stood and turned on the lights. My eyes hurt from the abrupt change and I squinted as I tried to adjust to the brightness.
Then I remembered I was completely naked in front of him for the first time in three months. I attempted to cover myself with the clothes, but Adam grabbed my wrists.
“Don’t cover yourself. I think you’re beautiful and I’ve missed looking at you,” he said, his eyes turning dark as they studied my body from head to toe. I felt myself turning red under his penetrating gaze.
He got on his knees and kneeled before me, taking my hands in his and looking me in the eyes. “Nothing happened. I swear. I had been talking to her before our trip to Israel and she offered to pick me up from the airport.”
“Were you dating her again?” I asked, keeping my eyes trained on his face. If I saw his naked body, I’d never be able to walk away from him.
“We hadn’t gotten that far yet. We were just friends, but I think if you hadn’t been on the Israel trip, I would have gotten back together with her eventually,” he told me honestly.
I was beginning to hate honesty. The idea of him loving anyone else hurt me. But I’d had Caleb waiting for me. Then I remembered something Alison had once said to me. You can’t blame yourself for your feelings.
“Did anything happen between you when we got back?”
“No, absolutely not. She could tell how upset I was as soon as she picked me up. I didn’t want to tell her about you, but she’d been such a big part of my life, she knew me too well. I couldn’t hide anything from her. She wasn’t thrilled, but she understood, and she came to my apartment to console me. Plus, she had been cat sitting for me and had to get her things. We turned on the television while she packed and that’s when I saw you. You and Caleb.”
His voice broke as he said Caleb’s name. I hadn’t realized just how badly I had hurt him. I had been too angry at him to care.
“I owe you an apology. I had no idea Caleb and the news crew would be at baggage waiting for me. I didn’t want to say yes, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings while we were on camera, but as soon as they finished, I told him I couldn’t marry him. He walked out right then and there. When I found out it aired live, I called you. I heard Jenny’s voice and I lost it. That’s why I lied to you and said Caleb and I were engaged. I should have never lied to you. I wanted to hurt you and I’m sorry. I will never do anything like that again, I promise you.”
I saw the pain etched on his face. “What happened after we got off the phone?”
He turned away for a moment and took a deep breath. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be happy with his response. Then his gaze returned to mine.
“I tried to kiss Jenny, but she stopped it. She knew I was kissing her in response to you, not because I wanted her. She told me she didn’t believe you would stay engaged to Caleb. She thought you had been forced by the media. She was right of course, but I didn’t know it until the following week when I spoke to your brother. He informed me you had a slight nervous breakdown when you got back from Israel, but you were already doing better. I think he knew something had happened between us then because he kept insisting I go over to your condo to check on you.”
“Why didn’t you? Why didn’t you tell me the truth once you knew I wasn’t engaged?”
“I wanted to. Every day I had to keep myself from calling you or showing up on your doorstep. We promised to give each other three months. It seemed easier to have you mad at me if I couldn’t change ... if after the three months I still didn’t believe in marriage.”
“What did change your mind about marriage?” Now that I knew he hadn’t been with another woman, I started to open my heart to let him in.
“I’ve been seeing a therapist,” he admitted. “After listening to me bitch and moan about how much I missed you these last few months, he pointed out I couldn’t be any more miserable if I was married.” He laughed.
“You saw a therapist? For me?” As a psychologist myself, I understood what a huge step he had taken. It isn’t easy bearing your soul to a stranger.
“I’d walk over hot coals for you, Sara. A few months of therapy didn’t seem too high a price to pay for what I’d get in return ... you.” He kissed me, evidence suggesting he was ready for round two.
“I’ve been making some changes, too, these last few months. There’s only one thing you should know about me,” I said, kissing his chest.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“I’m a cat person. You’ll have to come over and meet Spock.”
“Spock, huh? So we have Spock, Leia, Luke, and Yoda? I sense a theme here,” he said with a chuckle.
“Don’t you think we should go out and tell Seth and Emily the good news?” I asked as he pulled me on top of him.
“Let ‘em wait.”
And we did.
CHAPTER 38
A Year to Remember Blog
Sara Friedman’s journey to find her soul mate
January 1, 2013 You’ve Always Had the Power.
Happy New Year, friends! I hope everyone had as wonderful a holiday as I did last night. My boyfriend Adam and I stayed home and watched An Affair to Remember. I liked it as much as Love Affair, if not more. They don’t make men like Cary Grant these days. (Ouch! Adam just nudged me.) Except, for my Adam. (Is that better, sweetie?)
For the first time in my life, I’m happy. It’s not just because of Adam, although he is a huge part. It’s because I’m whole. I can make my own decisions! I used to rely on family, friends, and lovers to make decisions for me. When I came to Overeaters Anonymous, I thought God would make the decisions for me. I was wrong. God doesn’t make the decisions. He just guides me as I make my own healthy decisions. I had the power within me all along. Who knew?
I found a calling as well. It turns out I’m excellent at providing psychological treatment to girls with eating disorders. I’m working with an expert in the field in order to focus my practice on the specialty. God definitely works in mysterious ways.
I’ve also gained more friends this year. I have Adam, of course, and my BFF, Missy. Now I can add so many others including Alison, Hannah, and Nate. My weekends are never dull anymore!
Most days, I live free from the need to compulsively overeat. Notice I said “most.” I’m not perfect, and my life isn’t perfect, but I no longer freak out over those things which used to overwhelm me. Little things like traffic. Sure, I hate it. Everyone hates it. But I don’t have to yell at the idiots holding up the traffic as they rubberneck a crash scene. Now, I crank up my music and sing at the top of my lungs. Whatever I’m rushing toward will most likely still be there when I arrive.
Have a safe and healthy year, my readers! May you all find peace and happiness this year!
CHAPTER 39
FEBRU
ARY 25, 2013
NEW YORK, NEW YORK
Backstage of the Morning show, I tried to gather my courage. In just a few minutes, I would sit with Bethany Williams and explain to millions of viewers I had failed in my mission to marry by this day.
My thirtieth birthday.
At least I didn’t come here alone this time. I brought Missy with me backstage, and Adam was planning on supporting me by hanging out with the cameramen, so I could see him while Bethany grilled me.
They had requested I dress in a wedding gown and veil, even though they knew full well I wasn’t getting married anytime soon. Adam and I hadn’t talked about marriage since we’d reunited on Halloween.
We’ve been living together officially since December and unofficially since November 1st. His cats had been living with me and Spock since the middle of November. Luckily they all got along.
Instead of a wedding dress, I wore an off-white pantsuit and my hair in a fancy updo. Adam said I looked hot, but I still only felt comfortable in black. That’s why Adam suggested, and I agreed, to wear a black bra and panties underneath.
Missy sat with me in the Green Room while I waited for someone to come get me. She leaned back in a chair, her hands resting on her pregnant belly, laughing every time the baby kicked her. She was the happiest I had ever seen her, although her life was turned upside-down. Nothing mattered to her more than the health of her baby.
“How you feeling over there?”
I realized I had been shredding a napkin out of nervousness. It was times like these I missed sugar, wheat, alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I had to do something with my hands. Adam preferred I use my hands on him these days, but as I pointed out, it wouldn’t always be appropriate. Instead, I shredded napkins and peeled labels off Diet Coke bottles.
Thank goodness today was the final day of my contract. I would no longer have to report in on my marital status.
“Five minute warning, Ms. Friedman,” an intern said.
