by Weldon, Fay
‘Yes,’ she says. ‘That’s the whole trouble. One likes to serve.’
And off she goes, carrying her basket of goodies to her old people, an aged Red Riding Hood with no wolf pursuing.
Susan goes to visit Wanda. She wears a little hat. She must be the only young woman left in London to do so. Wanda is packing. She is moving yet again. Her new flat will cost ten shillings a week more but there are fewer stairs to climb. Wanda’s legs are beginning to feel their age.
Susan is surprisingly practical about the green and yellow lino. She levers it up, ignoring the dirt and grime beneath it, and stacks it in piles.
‘Scarlet used to do that for me,’ says Wanda. ‘But of course she’s too busy now.’
‘What at?’ asks Susan.
‘Being kept,’ says Wanda sourly. ‘That girl has the soul of a prostitute.’
‘I’m kept too,’ says Susan. ‘I don’t work or anything.’
‘Yes, but you pay for it,’ says Wanda, who is almost fond of Susan. ‘You’re married.’ If Wanda has had too much to drink she will lurch over to Susan and embrace her. And too much drink, for Wanda these days, is anything to drink at all.
Susan laughs nervously. She is at a loss to explain her liking for Wanda. She does not tell Kim she visits his former wife – but then she cannot tell Kim much at all, for he is seldom at home.
Watson and Belcher grow more powerful each year. Kim works hard and late, goes off on location whenever he possibly can, and occasionally dresses Susan up and propels her forward as hostess at some grand party he fancies throwing. He hires an outside caterer, for Susan’s cooking remains New Zealand provincial.
Kim has a large house now in Windsor, with a staff of five, and a studio specially built for Kim to paint in. There is, indeed, one half-finished painting on the easel. Susan has described it to Wanda, who says it was a painting he started in 1939, and never finished. Certainly, he spends no time there, in his beautiful half-timbered studio, with the cool north light. He never goes to the Oxford Street pub either. He lunches at the Savoy on consommé, grilled steak and salad, and black coffee, or occasionally melon, grilled sole and tomatoes, and black coffee. He watches his waist, and keeps his blood pressure down. He means to live to a hundred, and see his paintings resurrected at the Tate, as a fortune-teller lately implied would happen.
Susan sees Jocelyn on occasion. Their worlds are similar, and although Susan, as wife of a director, has the social advantage of the wife of a senior executive, Jocelyn does have a university degree, and does design her own home. Kim sees to Susan’s, with the help of the Art Department. Susan feels inadequate.
‘Do you remember Sylvia?’ Susan asks Wanda. ‘She is staying with Jocelyn. She is pregnant and deaf, and her boyfriend wouldn’t marry her.’
‘You sound quite jealous,’ says Wanda, and it is true. Susan would be glad of anything that actually happened. Her life is empty of events.
‘Philip used to fancy Sylvia,’ says Susan. ‘In fact Jocelyn took her away from him. I think it’s risky, don’t you, having her in the house now?’
(Philip, actually, can hardly bear to look at Sylvia. He scarcely recognizes this swollen, distressed woman as the vague and lissom Sylvia he still, from time to time, has dreams about, and in which his mother always interferes.)
‘I wish you could have more normal friends,’ he complains to Jocelyn. ‘It doesn’t reflect well on you.’
‘At least,’ says Jocelyn, ‘I have friends.’ It is a sharp and unkind remark. She makes them quite often, these days. It is true, too. Philip finds himself friendless. He has colleagues, with whom he is on good enough terms, but he suspects they regard him as square and dull. He has outgrown his former Rugby friends, who work in insurance or in the seedier branches of industry. It is not that he feels he is too smart and sophisticated for them; but that they feel inadequate. The more he buys the drinks, the less at ease they are.
Jocelyn makes him more uneasy than ever. She has become astringent of tongue, and she is pregnant. He regards her bulky body with fear, as something unknowable.
‘What a guilty thing you are,’ says Wanda to Susan. ‘Always expecting punishment. Only the good get punished and I shouldn’t think Philip was a good person. Dull, yes. Good, no.’
‘I don’t know how Jocelyn stands it,’ says Susan. ‘Philip kisses my hand at parties, and he has such a limp, clammy hand. And at the same time he manages to leer. I get leered at quite a lot, of course, being married to someone so much older, but Philip does it more than most.’
‘You talk as if marriage was something that happened to you. Not something you’d done.’
‘That’s what it feels like,’ complains Susan. ‘I was too young. They should have stopped me.’
‘They!’ sneers Wanda. ‘They! Where is this mysterious They? The closest I ever got to They was Scarlet’s Edwin and look what happened there.’
‘Poor Scarlet,’ says Susan. ‘I wish she liked me more. I went all the way down to Lee Green to rescue her and still she doesn’t like me. I’ve only ever wished her well.’
‘You’ve kept her away from Kim,’ says Wanda.
‘Oh no,’ says Susan, shocked. ‘Never. I am his daughter.’
‘What did you say?’ asks Wanda.
‘I said she is his daughter,’ says Susan.
Wanda sighs and does not pursue the matter. Susan, however, does.
‘I think it’s unfair to say I kept Scarlet away. She’s been welcome to come at any time. Good God, she even had her child in my bed. Was that keeping her away?’
Wanda says nothing.
‘It wouldn’t have helped her to have given her money,’ says Susan. ‘People must learn to stand on their own feet.’
‘Do shut up, you silly little bitch,’ says Wanda, ‘and help me pack. It’s all you’re fit for.’
‘Don’t speak to me like that,’ says Susan, with dignity, but she does as she is told. She even asks Scarlet round to dinner.
Scarlet telephones her mother in panic.
‘I’ve nothing to wear,’ she says. ‘Can you give me some money?’
‘Ask your boyfriend,’ says Wanda.
‘He has his wife to support, he can’t. And I can’t wear cheap clothes any more. I’m such a funny shape, cheap clothes always look strange on me.’
‘Then go naked.’
‘How very unhelpful you are,’ says Scarlet, all hoity-toity. ‘I look worse naked. Deformed. It’s your fault. You should have put me in a plaster cast when I was a baby.’
‘I did,’ says Wanda. ‘You were born with a dislocated hip. You were in a cast until you were nine months.’
‘I never knew that.’
‘It was something I did not wish to remember. What would you have felt like if Byzantia had been born deformed?’
‘A dislocated hip isn’t deformed.’
‘No? That’s not what your father said. He could paint nudes with toe-nails growing out of their ears but one baby with a dislocated hip and he went to pieces. He hardly ever came home for six months, he’d never touch you or pick you up, and I never trusted him after that. That’s why I left.’
‘I thought you left because you disapproved of his paintings.’
‘That as well. But the initial disappointment started with you.’ And Wanda laughs. It is quite like old times.
‘I don’t think it’s a laughing matter,’ says Scarlet.
‘Neither do I,’ says Wanda, trying to take the top out of the gin bottle with her teeth, because she has the telephone receiver in one hand.
But she only succeeds in hurting her teeth, so she replaces the receiver and concentrates on the gin.
Susan has dinner laid for three in the morning-room, which is chintzy and informal.
‘We should eat in the dining-room,’ says Kim. ‘Or do you want to palm her off with second-best?’
Susan is taken aback by such aggression. Kim is normally polite to the point of indifference.
‘Of cours
e I don’t,’ she says. ‘I just thought it would be more homey in the morning-room.’
‘I think she would see it as an insult,’ says Kim, staring at her with hard, bright, elderly eyes.
‘What’s the matter with you?’ she asks, bewildered. ‘What have I done?’
‘Deprived me of a family,’ he says. She cries, from the surprise, the injustice, of such a sudden accusation. He comforts her, automatically, but without interest. She wonders if he is ill; the thought that he might be makes her angry. It is his function to look after her. For what other reason has she endured all these years? She shuts her eyes.
And lo, her kauri forest springs up around her: wraps her once again in its dark protective silence. It has not been lost: it has been hiding: too dark and powerful ever to dissolve. She takes her time amongst the massive trunks; she brushes the creeper ropes aside; she listens to the silence; she is a child again. She opens her eyes. She smiles remotely at Kim, and rings for the maid, and has dinner re-set in the dining-room, on the vast mahogany table beneath the chandelier.
‘Are you better now?’ he asks.
‘Oh yes,’ she says. But she does not care. He is nothing to do with her. He never has been. He is Scarlet’s father, Byzantia’s grandfather, Wanda’s husband. He has acknowledged it, and so can she. She has her inner life back again.
Scarlet arrives. She is dressed in orange silk; she is charming, almost soignée; she is slim and entertaining. Her shoes are not cleaned and her stockings are laddered, as if she had lost interest in herself at knee-level, but – so long as she is sitting – she reflects credit on her father. He is impressed. They talk, laugh, confide.
Susan feels dull, stodgy, and isolated. She sits in the highly-polished, glittering world she has created. Each pendant of the chandelier above has been washed and polished. Upstairs in cedar chests are folded snowy sheets and pillowcases, thick towels and blankets. In the kitchen all is order and cleanliness. In the garden not a weed shows more than half-an-inch high. Simeon sleeps dutifully, with clean face and fingernails in pyjamas fresh as today. None of it comforts her.
She can see her face in the mirror. Her eyes are beginning to pop slightly, as her mother’s did. She hopes and believes that Kim has not noticed.
‘Perhaps I should go and live with Wanda,’ she says, ‘and Scarlet could come and live here,’ but she must have spoken very softly, for no one hears. She is relieved, on reflection, that they do not.
‘I have given up complaining and reproaching,’ says Scarlet, after several glasses of good red wine. ‘It takes up too much energy. I have a lot to be getting on with and life is short.’
‘It has taken you a long time to get round to it,’ says Kim, who has had not only wine but nearly half a bottle of whisky, as well as a prawn cocktail in a brandy glass, roast chicken, with stuffing and bread sauce, roast potatoes and green peas, and a peach melba. Sometimes he thinks he will offer Susan cookery lessons at the Cordon Bleu, but fears her eyes will pop even more than they do already.
‘You can’t accuse me of making a nuisance of myself,’ says Scarlet. ‘For a daughter, I keep myself very much to myself.’
‘Your entire life so far,’ he complains, ‘has been a not very subtle reproach to me.’
‘Or to Wanda,’ says Susan, but they ignore her. Is it, she begins to wonder, that she speaks softly, or is it that they have blotted her out of their minds?
‘I came to you once,’ says Scarlet, ‘to ask you what was to become of me.’
‘What did I say?’
‘I had Byzantia, and never got round to it. Perhaps that was answer enough.’
‘In my bed,’ says Susan.
‘Our bed,’ says Kim, hearing her, but not looking at her. ‘These days, being the gentry, we have separate rooms, with adjoining bath.’
‘You’ve never supported me,’ says Scarlet. ‘Why not?’
‘I have had Susan to support,’ says Kim. ‘And of course Simeon.’ Though he has difficulty in remembering that he has a son.
‘But if you like,’ says Kim, ‘I will make you an allowance now.’
‘I don’t need it now,’ says Scarlet. ‘I live in sin with a solicitor. In any case, I am sure Susan would object. I have very few needs; Alec pays the rent, and the State pays for my analysis.’
‘I don’t see how you can stand it,’ says Susan. ‘People messing about in your mind. All this turning inwards! It just makes people self-absorbed and selfish. What good has it done you?’
‘I am sitting here at this table,’ says Scarlet, ‘behaving really quite well, and even believing that you’re both human.’
‘Charming!’ says Susan.
Kim drives Scarlet home in his new Bentley. He feels, for all the gleaming metal around him, that he is a shadow of what he might have been.
‘When your mother left me,’ he says, ‘she took something away from me. I wasn’t sorry to see it go at the time, but I think it was a pity.’
‘Shall I tell her so?’ asks Scarlet. ‘She’d be pleased.’
‘No,’ he says. ‘It is too late. We are both too old. The future, for both of us, has become a thing of the past.’
He drives silently for a while. He feels himself to be a ridiculous elderly man, wearing too-tight purple trousers and a lambswool sweater. He does not understand how it has happened. He is accustomed to being young. And is this his daughter? Scarlet, his baby, lying in her awkward plaster cast, limbs akimbo! Did she really grow into this? In his mind, time becomes confused.
‘You should have gone into hospital to have the baby,’ he mumbles, mistaking Scarlet for Wanda. ‘You’re very obstinate. You didn’t really know better than the doctors, you see. You’re not as tough as you think you are. Now see what you’ve done to her.’
‘What did you say?’ asks Scarlet, puzzled, and he shakes his head like a seal out of water and regains his sense of the present.
‘I’m working too hard,’ he says. ‘It’s all these dependants.’
‘What are you working hard on?’ asks Scarlet. ‘Toilet paper?’
‘That’s right,’ he says.
‘What an asset you are to the community,’ she says. ‘All those nice clean bums, all thanks to you.’
‘You are like your mother,’ he says. ‘It’s not surprising I get confused.’
It is impossible, he thinks, when he returns to Susan, to make everyone happy. All the same he tries. Susan sulks for twenty-four hours, and then, surprisingly, allows him to make love to her. Kim dies suddenly and painlessly, in mid-intercourse. It has always been his fear – the pounding of the heart, the soaring of the senses, the high spasm of nothingness – supposing the spirit goes so far it does not return?
Well. It does not return on this particular evening. He dies as he has lived, unburdened, and perhaps more appropriately in Susan’s arms than in Alison’s.
The day after she dines with her father, Scarlet fills in an application form for a place in the London School of Economics. She even posts it.
‘You might almost say,’ she says to Alec, ‘that I have grown up. And that’s another thing – out!!’
‘Who?’ he asks, looking round.
‘You,’ she says.
‘Why?’ He is surprised, if not really upset.
‘Your wife is a nice woman,’ says Scarlet.
‘So are you,’ said Alec. ‘Anyway how do you know what my wife is like? You have never met her. You and I are doing no one any harm. All we do is add to the sum of human happiness.’
‘We are doing me harm,’ says Scarlet. ‘I want a proper husband of my own age, and some more children; I’m fed up with other women’s left-overs.’
‘Oh, charming,’ he says. ‘Charming. I don’t think you have the temperament for marriage. I am sorry for your ex-husband. You have no sense of humour.’
‘Get out,’ says Scarlet, made more furious by this than any other insult he has ever offered her. ‘Get out.’
‘Very well,’ he says, lingering.
‘Ring me at the office when you change your mind.’
‘Supposing I rang you at your home?’ she enquires.
‘You wouldn’t do that,’ he says. ‘In any case you don’t know the number. You are being very rash. Supposing you don’t find anyone to marry you? The world is full of unmarried women. I might just be a fluke, a flash in the pan.’
‘I am a divorced woman,’ says Scarlet, ‘and statistically that is a good sign. We tend to remarry.’
‘I shall miss you,’ says Alec. ‘When I first saw you in that car I thought you were some dismal daughter out with her father. Then I saw you snarling and knew no daughter ever snarled at a father like that. That was marriage, that was. Then you heaved over into the back seat showing a lot of suspender and nice white thighs, and I fancied it, married or not. Nice unused thigh, Scarlet. I made good use of it.’
‘Oh, get out,’ says Scarlet, sadly enough. ‘It won’t work any more. I’m not a naughty little girl. I’m a grown woman. Good-day.’
The next day Wanda phones Scarlet, in tears, to tell her that Kim has died. Scarlet rings Alec, at the office, and cries. He comes round at once and comforts her, and admits he has been making up his wife, and asks her to marry him.
‘It is like a happy ending,’ Scarlet complains to Jocelyn, later. ‘Kim dies and everything comes right. Was he really such a villain? I had stopped hating him; now I am forced to wonder again. He had seemed, lately, so little worth hating. Just an elderly, ordinary man, with a rather simple nature; a rather vain person, wearing trousers too young for him. A little boy, showing off his smart house and his shiny car. What a lot of my life I have wasted spiting him; and when I wasn’t spiting him, worshipping him like the graven image he always was in my mind, with a painting done in 1939 in one sculptured hand, and the other pinching Susan’s bottom. Sculpted flat, not three-dimensional, I may say, like the Elgin marbles. All the same, I am glad we parted on good terms.’
Kim’s house, of course, is not paid for. Neither is the Rolls. He has not paid a household bill for, it appears, five years. He has only one insurance policy, the rewards of which he had transferred, only the day before he died, from Susan his wife to Scarlet his daughter. A cheque for £8,532 is brought round to Scarlet within an hour of news of his death. Susan does not quibble. She has not the energy.
