by R B Hilliard
“Ellie,” my dad said as he opened the door, obviously surprised. “I was afraid I wasn’t going to see you.”
“Samuel, I didn’t know you were going to see me either until late yesterday afternoon.”
“What changed your mind? And, please, call me Sam.”
“Well, Sam, what changed my mind is the desire to know what would make someone walk away from their kid and stay away for twenty-two years.”
“Come in and have a seat. I’ll do my best to explain.”
Samuel Davis was a good looking man with dark blonde hair like me. His eyes, however, were darker than mine and a different shape. I placed him at about six feet two inches tall. He seemed to have a no bullshit attitude which, I hate to admit, I respected. I didn’t want to like anything about him.
“I met your mom in fifth grade,” he began. “We hung out with the same group of friends through middle and most of high-school. It wasn’t until the summer before our senior year that we noticed each other.”
“So, you two started dating then?” I asked.
“Well,” he paused, “not exactly.”
“Look, I am not young or naïve, so I would greatly appreciate your honesty.”
“I get that, but you need to understand that the circumstances surrounding your conception are not exactly the easiest thing in the world to discuss.”
“Fair enough,” I said.
“Neither your mom nor I were inexperienced. In fact, that’s what drew us to each other. Uh… we both liked the same things.”
Great, my parents were both nymphos.
“God,” he said running his fingers through his hair, “this is harder than I thought. Okay, basically, your mom and I just hooked up for sex. We were never in love and really didn’t even like each other. At least, I didn’t really like her.”
“So, you were just friends with benefits.”
“We were two people who knew what we wanted.”
“And she got pregnant.”
“Yes and I didn’t think it was mine, so I asked her to get an abortion.”
“Would you have wanted me if you had known I was yours?”
“I did know, eventually.”
“How?”
“Your aunt took you in for a paternity test when you were a few weeks old. She wanted to know and thought it would make me change my mind and come home.”
“I see.”
“No, I don’t think you do, Ellie. I was an eighteen year old boy who had the rest of his life in front of him. Your mom wanted me to commit to her after a year of hooking up every now and then for sex, even though we both knew I wasn’t the only guy she was sleeping with. She told her friends that she was going to catch me, like getting pregnant was a game or something and I wanted nothing to do with it.”
“But yet you still had unprotected sex with her?”
“I didn’t mean to. She planned it all out. She knew there was a party that all of the varsity football players were going to. She knew we planned on getting slammed because it was so close to graduation.”
“So, what you’re saying is that my mother intentionally got pregnant in order to trap you?”
“That’s exactly what I am saying.”
“How did you learn all of this?”
“When I refused to buy into the whole scheme, her best friend let it slip.”
“Wow. So, why come back now?”
“I grew the fuck up. I had nothing to offer you then. Hell, I may still have nothing to offer but I want to try. I want to get to know my daughter. I can’t give you all of the years back but maybe we can have a future?”
“Would you have come back if Aunt Elizabeth hadn’t died?”
“I’ve been wanting to come back for the past ten years but your aunt wouldn’t allow it.”
“Really? She never mentioned it.”
“She said that you were happy. She had custody of you and didn’t want me interfering. By law I had no ties to you. I had to stay away because she asked me to, whether I wanted it or not.”
He tried to see me. He wanted to know me.
“She wouldn’t let you see me? But… she knew how not having parents affected me.”
“She was protecting you. How did she know that I wasn’t going to show up and then bail on you? She did the right thing. I see that now.”
“I’m not sure what to do with all of this. I mean, I know nothing about you.”
“Ask me anything you want. If this is the only chance that I get to talk to you, then I’m taking it.”
“Where do you live?”
“In Raleigh.”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I am a book editor.”
“Are you married?”
“I’ve been divorced for three years.”
“Any children?”
“Only you.”
“Did you want more children?” I knew I was getting personal but for some reason I needed to know.
“I wanted to know you and then, yes, I wanted more children. My ex was okay with it until she couldn’t conceive. Then, she didn’t like that I had a daughter floating around. This is the main reason we ended up divorcing.”
“You told her about me?”
“Eventually, yes.”
“I’m sorry about your divorce.”
“Thanks, but I am much happier without her. Can I ask a few questions now?”
“Sure, but I might not answer.”
“That’s fair. I know you went to college in Greensboro. What are you doing now?”
“I just graduated from UNCG with a degree in Business Administration. I have a job lined up in Greensboro, only…”
“Only?”
“Aunt Elizabeth left me everything.”
“Ahhhh, I see. Are you happy in Greensboro?”
“I’m content.”
“Do you have a boyfriend keeping you there?”
“No, no boyfriend,” I was quick to answer.
I watched his eyebrow raise in question. “What’s stopping you from moving back to Charlotte?”
“Nothing really, I just need to quit my job and move my things.”
Enough with question time.
“Listen, I should probably get going,” I said.
“Ellison, for what it’s worth, I am sorry that you grew up without a mom or dad. I won’t apologize for letting Elizabeth raise you, though. She did a much better job than I ever could have. From what I have seen, you have grown to be a strong down to earth woman and I am proud of you. Will you think about giving me a chance to at least be your friend, if not your dad?”
“I’ll think about it, really. We can exchange numbers and go from there, okay?”
“It’s better than okay,” he said, smiling.
I hated that he was such a good guy. I hated that I was drawn to him and wanted more time. I had to make myself leave his hotel room.
One down. Now, all I have left is to quit my job and move my whole life. No biggie.
~Five years earlier
Spring of my senior year was crazy busy. It took Max’s house selling for me to realize that I was going to end up in serious trouble if I didn’t get myself together. I had applied and been accepted to three colleges, but if I didn’t graduate I wouldn’t be going anywhere and that meant I would be forever stuck with my aunt, the ghost of Max and community college.
Blech!
Max wouldn’t want that for me. Hell, I didn’t want that for me. So, I pushed my thoughts of Max to the very end of each day and frantically started playing catch up. One day at a time became my mantra.
I still called Max’s voicemail every night. Hearing his voice, even if it was only a recording, felt like a direct connection to him and was a sort of life line. Other than what I had taken from his house that night with Kurt, this was the last remaining object on my raft of hope.
I spent time with Joss and Kurt but it was hard to be around them. They were in the beginnings of new love and I was in the midst of love lo
st. I refused to go out on the weekends and felt sick to my stomach anytime that dating was suggested.
Not knowing if Max was alive or not kept me in limbo. I knew this and, really, I was okay with it. I didn’t want closure. I was afraid that the truth would be way more than I could handle.
March had come and gone. The flowers were starting to bloom and warmer weather was upon us. Summer was right around the corner. Summer was a harbinger of hurt that only brought painful memories and I dreaded it. I was mired in these thoughts as I crawled into bed one night. As usual, I pulled out my phone, snuggled down into Max’s comforter, dialed his number and waited to hear his voice.
Instead of, “This is Max. Don’t waste my time and your breath by leaving a long message. Just tell me who, what, when and where and I’ll call you back.”
I got, “You have reached a number that is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again later.”
“No,” I gasped, and hit redial. Again I heard, you have reached…“Please,” I whispered, as I hung up. I hit redial for a third time and prayed that his voice would pick up on the other end. I would not be so lucky. “Fuck!” I screamed.
This is not happening.
Immediately, I dialed Piper’s number. Maybe something was wrong with my phone.
No such luck.
“Hello?” she answered.
After explaining what had just happened, she asked if I knew who Max’s cell phone carrier was.
“AT&T, why?” Max and I had chosen the same carrier so that we could call and text each other for free. I had no idea where she was going with this.
“I was just thinking that you could call his carrier and see if they would give you any information on his phone number. Maybe they could track it to his current location or something?”
My chest felt tight. “Why didn’t I think of that?” I barely squeezed out.
“Probably because you are too close to the situation,” Piper replied in her matter-of-fact voice that I usually hated. “Chances are they won’t talk to you anyway unless you tell them that you are related to him. They’ll probably ask you for his account password and even then, the chances are slim that they will be able to find him. I don’t want you to get your hopes up but I think, for your sake, you should at least try. You can’t keep living this way.”
I heard her loud and clear and in some ways even agreed with her but until I was ready to move on…I wasn’t. “Scout twenty-two was his password to everything. I’ll call them first thing tomorrow morning and then call you after.” This was it, I just knew it!
This could lead me to Max.
The next morning I called AT&T. I told them that I was Max’s sister and that he was missing. The customer service representative gave me the run around until I explained that I had his account password. Then she started taking me seriously.
Thank you Piper.
I explained to her that he had been missing for months but that until last night his voicemail still worked and that this was the family’s last hope of finding out where he was.
After placing me on hold for what seemed like a year, she popped back on. “Thank you for holding, Miss McLellan. It appears that this phone number hasn’t been accessed by your brother since August of last year.”
“What? But, this can’t be. His voicemail still picked up until last night. Wouldn’t your company have shut it off months ago, after he failed to pay his bill?” I was trying hard not to lose all composure.
“Yes, typically we allow one or two months of no payments before sending notice. We then shut down cell coverage until the bill has been paid in full. I don’t know why this didn’t happen here.”
“Has someone been paying the bills?” I couldn’t keep my voice from wavering.
“Ma’am, all I can see is that no one has used this phone since last August for incoming or outgoing calls. The only thing I can think is that we didn’t catch it on our end until now. I’m sorry that I didn’t have better news for you. Is there anything else that I can help you with, Miss McLellan?”
“No, no thanks.”
All this time I had been calling his phone, thinking, wishing, praying that he was listening on the other end. All this time and he wasn’t even there.
All for nothing.
Phoning Piper was the last thing that I wanted to do. I wanted to crawl into bed and never get out. Instead, I called and told her what had happened. Max was really and truly gone. After Piper, I called Kurt and then Benny and told them what had happened. Then, I lay in my bed, wrapped in his things and cried myself empty. This had been my last hope. My raft had finally capsized. Never, would I ever love anyone this much again. Never again would I give my heart away. I was done.
Game over.
~Present Day
After the talk with my dad, I decided to hang out in Charlotte for a few more days before heading back to Greensboro. Joss and Kurt were ecstatic that I had decided to move back home and Benny was beside himself. I think he felt like he was getting a piece of Max back. When I asked Kurt if I could bartend for him, he was so thrilled and wanted me to come by Dragonfly that afternoon.
Joss was so excited that she immediately came over to help me clean out my aunt’s room.
“Now, why are we doing this now and not when you get back from Greensboro?” she asked. We were in the middle of boxing up my aunt’s outdated wardrobe.
“I want to make this room mine right away. If I wait, I will have to sleep upstairs while we clean down here and…well, upstairs just has too many memories.”
It will be a fresh start in a new room, making new memories.
“Kurt and I were worried that what happened with Max was going to stop you from moving back home,” she confided.
“I know. It almost did, but then I realized that I really want to be here, in this house, surrounded by all of my friends. I can’t continue to allow my memories of Max dictate my life decisions. You know? At times I wonder if I will ever truly move on. For the most part I have, but….there’s still a large part of me that refuses to completely let him go.”
“He was your first everything, Ellie. No matter who you are, you always remember your first time. In most cases, it is a complete mess, but every now and then you come across that couple who defies the odds. You and Max were one of those rare couples. When he disappeared, he took what might have been. That’s what you have to learn to let go of.
Her phone rang and interrupted the rest of our chat. Before I knew it, we were in Kurt’s truck heading to Good Will. On the way back from dropping the clothes off, we picked up my new bed and stopped off at the paint store. I bribed her with a promise of booze and pizza if she would agree to come over the next night and help me paint my new bedroom.
I walked into Dragonfly a few hours later for my first training session. I hadn’t been back since it had been renovated and was curious to see what Kurt had done with the place. The second I opened the door, I was hit with the familiar cacophony of glasses clinking, running water and murmuring voices. Miranda Lambert’s White Liar poured through the speakers.
Ahhh, nothing like the comforting noises of a bar.
Aunt Elizabeth had refused to pay for anything extra during my four year stint in Greensboro. She always told me that if I wanted to play, then I would have to pay. I didn’t necessarily want to play, however, I did want to eat, drink and shower… using actual soap so one of the first things I did was to get a job. My freshman and sophomore year I worked as a waitress at an Italian restaurant across the street from UNCG. When I turned twenty one, I quit and got a job bartending at a popular sports bar.
Surprisingly, Kurt had done quite a lot with the place. It looked nothing like the run down dive that I had first seen six months ago. A huge rectangular cherry wood bar spanned most of the room. Sturdy but attractive high backed stools had been stained to match the bar. The hardwood floors looked newly refinished. To the left of the bar were two steps leading up to several pool tables and dart boards. To the
right of the bar stood a small stage, some booths and some free standing tables. Behind the bar stood a couple of doors which I assumed led to offices.
“Hello? Anyone here?” I yelled.
“Can I help you?” a deep voice to my left asked.
“Shit!” I screamed. When I came down from the ceiling, I looked around for the phantom voice. A man was kneeling on the floor to the left of the bar.
A very nice looking man.
His deep chuckle gave me butterflies. “Sorry, I thought you knew I was down here.”
Playfully, I narrowed my eyes at him. “Is this how you greet everyone who enters the bar?”
Laughing, he stood and held up a white rag. Waving it over his head, he said, “I come in peace.”
Cute.
Over six feet of blonde, tattooed, silver eyed sex appeal was smiling down at me.
I hadn’t seen hot like this since…Max. Flinching in guilt, I tried to erase the thought from my brain.
Relief hit me like a sledgehammer when Kurt walked through one of the doors behind the bar. Hugging me tightly he observed, “I see you’ve met Dragonfly’s new manager.”
“More like been terrorized by him,” I mumbled.
Sex God laughed at this and said, “I wouldn’t say we’ve formally met, yet.”
“Well in that case, Dillon Whitaker, meet one of my best friends and newest bartender Ellie Davis. Ellie Davis, meet my manager and also bartender, Dillon Whitaker.”
Dillon smiled and I swear I could hear all of the vaginas in the room sigh.
Yes, he is that good looking.
He extended his hand. “Ellie, it’s nice to finally put a face with a name.”
Sex God would, of course, have to have an equally sexy voice.
“Nice to meet you, Dillon,” I straight faced.
“So, what do you think?” Kurt asked.
“About?”
Surely he wasn’t asking what I thought of Dillon.
He arched his eyebrow. “The bar?”
I was seriously off my game and could tell that unless I pulled it together he was going to call me on it. I looped my arm through his and said, “I love it. You’ve done an awesome job. Show me around. I want to see everything.”
