“Why not?” I asked. To deny the existence of the historical Jesus was difficult to do. To deny he was God was easy. At the same time, he clearly had an impact on the world, and his followers, for the most part, did good things. That was clear in their creation of schools and hospitals and taking care of the poor and the old. Plus, in the Bible stories I had read to Quinn, Jesus was all about love, and I appreciated that. Not enough to believe Jesus was God—a strange notion—but enough to believe Jesus was someone who had brought goodness to the world.
“Because he said he was God,” East said. “So if he’s not God, than he’s either crazy or a massive liar that’s been fooling people, and in some cases getting them killed, for two thousand years. That’s a deranged lunatic, not a nice guy or a prophet. So, believe what you want, but don’t believe he was a nice guy.”
At that moment, Jonah stirred, shifting his arm from where I had been sleeping. I needed to change the subject.
“Was Jonah … was he supportive?” I asked her.
She paused. “He was as supportive as he could be.” She hesitated. “He doesn’t know, does he? About your baby?”
Her words startled me. Hearing someone else say I had a baby was jarring. I knew I did, or would have, if it had lived, but something about hearing her say it made it sound like the baby still existed—in a way I had never thought of before.
“No one knows except Eli and the father,” I said.
“Was Trent the father?” she asked, trying to hide her disgust.
“No, it happened before Trent. When I was in high school.”
“That explains why you were with him,” she said. “And it’s a great example of why you need to forgive yourself and move forward. Don’t forget your child, but don’t let the pain and guilt of your past keep creating more pain and more shame.”
I heard her words in a way I hadn’t been able to hear them before.
“Thank you,” I said, wondering if I would ever see her again.
From inside the lean-to, more of my friends began to stir, shaking off sleep as the sun cast a pink hue on this part of the earth.
My tone quieter than before, I asked, “Can I ask you to promise me something?”
She raised her head.
“Somehow, someday, make it back to us.”
She opened her mouth to speak, but I interrupted her. “Save the world first, but then come home. Knowing that you made the promise, it will give your mom and dad and Nonie something to hold on to. It will let them spend their lives in hope.”
She swallowed hard. “Is false hope better than the truth?”
I thought of Jonah, of all we’d been through and the uncertain future we faced. I doubted we would ever reach that wedding day. It seemed impossible, and yet I hoped, and that hope gave me a reason to keep trying and moving forward.
“Yes,” I said. “Without hope, the darkness of the world becomes suffocating.”
She reminded me of her brother when she lifted her head to the heavens. The pink light of day repelling the blackness of night.
“I promise,” she said, her eyes returning to mine.
Though I expected the promise to be empty, said only to placate me so I could placate others, I saw truth. She meant her words. She would do all she could to come back to us … someday.
Seventeen
I adjusted my backpack; the feeling was familiar, yet still strange. Not even six months had passed since the light struck, but this was my life now: carrying my possessions as I trekked across the country, hoping every day to find food and water—and not enemies.
In a few minutes we would leave East and Haz. Perhaps we would see each other again, perhaps not. There would be no phone calls, no letters, no communication of any kind. They would either show up at our home one day—if we made it back—or they wouldn’t.
Though the world was completely different than before, it was somehow more real, truer. Gone were the distractions that made us believe we were invincible. The truth remained: living from one day to the next was not a guarantee. Perhaps the starkness of this life made it easier to believe in God. Perhaps it was being around people that believed or being around death. Facing it and dealing with it: that made me understand things I never did before, when life was spent in comfort, and people died, but not in front of me.
“Are you ready?” Blaise asked Juliette, whose hands held a pack and a leash made from tied and braided strips of rags.
Astrea wore her mother’s collar; it was a bit large, but she would grow into it. Gus said HoneyBee didn’t need it and it would be more comfortable for Astrea than a homemade one.
None of us, not even Blaise, was excited about the journey. Neither were those we were leaving behind. We had been here about three weeks and though it wasn’t home, it would be hard to find something better.
We stood at the edge of town now, with only Haz in front of us. Everyone else had come and gone. They’d taken turns telling us goodbye: some with tears, some without; some with trinkets or snacks, some without. East was noticeably absent. She’d disappeared from camp shortly after Jonah woke up.
“Take care of East,” Blaise said through tears, as she gave Haz a hug.
Haz laughed. “I don’t think she needs me to take care of her.”
“You need each other more than you realize,” Blaise said, touching Haz’s face.
He pulled her into a big hug.
“Good luck,” Josh said, shaking his hand. “We’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss each of you too,” Haz said, as Sage gave him a hug.
“Thank you for bringing my sister to me,” she said as she released him.
Sara gave him a hug. “You’re a better man than you know,” she said, and I realized that she had changed far more than I gave her credit for. Her religious zeal wasn’t an act; it was who she was now.
“You don’t know me,” he whispered.
“I know the you that matters. The you that God loves. You are worthy of everything good and everyone good,” she said. Sara rose to her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek.
“I wish I could believe you,” he said.
“Someday you will, and when you do, you will find happiness and as much peace as is possible in a world of violence.”
Juliette came between them and wrapped her arms around Haz, who was still staring intently at Sara. After a moment, Sara stepped away, and he squeezed Juliette. He released her and dropped to one knee beside her, to be closer to her height.
“Never let someone steal your voice again, do you understand me?” he said.
She nodded.
“Stay close to Jonah. He won’t lead you wrong, and when you get back to their house, you stay there, you hear me?”
Her eyes grew wide with the seriousness of his tone.
“This fight, this war, it’s going to last. It’s not going to end in a few months or years, and you’re going to grow up and you’re going to want to fight. I’m telling you right now that you have fought enough. You have done enough, and anything left that you needed to do, I will do for you. You have earned the right to be safe. You have earned the right to be happy. So you stay there and you do those things, and you remember me from time to time. When you do, say a prayer for me and know I’ll be doing the same for you.”
She sniffed and said, “I love you,” as tears ran down her cheeks.
“I love you too, Juliette,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tight to him.
Astrea whined and put her paws on his hips.
“You’re a good girl, Astrea. Take care of Juliette. You hear me? That’s your job. You take care of her and keep her safe.” He was rubbing the dog’s ears, and she whimpered as if agreeing to the promise.
Blaise came and took Juliette’s hand, leading her solemnly away from Haz.
“Where is East?” Sara asked. “Is she going to let us leave without saying goodbye?”
“Goodbyes are hard for her. They always have been,” Jonah said, his ey
es scanning the trees and then lifting up to the heavens.
After a minute passed and East remained missing, Josh said, “We should go.”
“We can’t leave without seeing her,” Sara said, tears streaking her cheeks.
“She will find you,” Haz said.
We turned, scanning the trees. Still nothing.
Haz glanced at Jonah and then came to me. “What I said that day,” he said, watching my face, “I was wrong. Anyone, anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“At least we agree on one thing,” Jonah said, extending his right hand to Haz. His arm was free of the splint. “Stay alive.”
Haz shook Jonah’s hand and pulled him into a hug. “You too.”
Haz held out his arms for me and I held him. “I forgive you. Be careful. And please don’t be stupid and attack DC.”
He smiled down at me. “We are talking about going to Camp David.”
“Camp David?” Jonah repeated.
Haz nodded. “It’s where they took some of the higher-ups who disagreed with them. The few they didn’t shoot. They might all be dead by now,” he said.
“They might not,” I offered.
“And if they aren’t, maybe they can help change minds and hearts,” Jonah added.
“Those were East’s words,” Haz said.
“Is attacking Camp David any better than DC?” I asked, biting my lip.
“We aren’t planning to attack. We will observe until we can figure out if anyone is alive who can help us,” Haz said. “In the end, we might not have a choice but to kill.”
“But you might,” I said.
Haz chuckled. “We might, and if we have any other choice we will take it.”
I pulled Haz in for another hug. “Come back to us someday. My hair will be grown out and you won’t want to miss that.”
He laughed with tears in his eyes and kissed me on the forehead.
“Take care of her,” he said to Jonah, extending his hand again.
“Always.”
When the two released their handshake, we left and did not look back. I didn’t want to see him standing there watching us walk away.
I wasn’t that strong.
Astrea pulled Juliette forward, Blaise and Josh beside her with weapons loaded and ready to use. It felt both natural and unnatural to have a pistol pressed against my hip. The girl carried a knife that Haz had given her and a small spear Jonah had made for her. She could fight now too. We had each taken turns teaching her and all of the children of the town. It would be difficult for her to fight off a man twice her size, but she could do damage enough to slow him to allow one of the rest of us to finish him off.
After a mile or so, Astrea stopped and growled, the hairs between her shoulders shooting up when East stepped from behind the trees.
“I didn’t know how to say goodbye,” she said, her face red and swollen.
“I know,” Jonah said.
“This is what I have to do,” she said, choking with emotion.
Jonah went to her. “I know,” he whispered, taking her in his arms. She clung to him.
“I’m proud of you,” he said, his grip tight.
“But Mom and Dad …” She sniffed.
“Mom and Dad will be proud of you too. They’ll probably never stop their novena to St. Michael, but they will be proud of the warrior they raised.”
East lifted her head from his shoulder. “Jonah, I know the last couple of years—”
“East, you are stronger than anyone I know, and I am honored to be your brother.”
She pulled him tighter. “But I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too. I wasn’t what you needed me to be. I,”—his voice exposed with sadness—“I didn’t know how to handle things.”
“Take care of her,” East said, squeezing Jonah and then releasing him.
“As if she were my own,” he said, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Sara ran to East, throwing her arms around her.
“You taught me your faith and you loved me before I could love myself,” Sara said, clinging to East. “You changed my life, and I will never forget you.”
East laughed. “I’m not dying and I don’t plan to, so you better not forget me.”
“Thanks for helping my sister and bringing her to me,” Sage said, wrapping her arms around Sara and East.
“Promise to come home as soon as you can,” Blaise said, wrapping her arms around the three of them.
“Thanks for teaching me how to fight like a girl,” Josh said, throwing his arms around the four of them.
Juliette wiggled into the middle of the pile. The rest released East as she lifted Juliette. “When you get to our house, you will meet my little brother and sister. They can be annoying sometimes, but they will love you and they will need a big sister until I get back. Can you help take care of them while I’m gone?”
Juliette nodded and wrapped her arms around East.
East closed her eyes. When she opened them, she forced a smile. “You all need to get moving, or you’ll never find Blaise’s parents.” Her tone was light, but I knew her heart was breaking, like mine was.
“Okay,” Juliette mumbled when East released her.
My friends picked up their discarded packs. It was time to leave this hill and this life and enter the unknown without two we loved. As horrible as it had been to say goodbye to my father and JP, this was worse, so much worse. When we had left them, we knew nothing of the hate that had led to the attack or the hate that was recreating our country. We knew only the love of family and the desire to find the rest of our family. But now we knew better and were leaving East to face that hatred. We were not leaving her in safety; we were leaving her to fight for each of us. We were leaving her to protect the world, and we were leaving her seriously outnumbered. As much as I wanted to believe we would see her again, it was almost impossible. Still, I would hope. For the rest of my life, I would hope … and I would pray.
“Remember your promise,” she said, gazing at me.
“Always,” I replied, unable to say the simple word without crying.
“Remember yours,” I said, with even more tears.
“Always,” she said as she threw her arms around me.
A second later, her arms were gone and she was running into the woods. I tried to hide my tears, but I couldn’t. None of us could. We loved her and we were leaving her and the pain of it was pure and harsh and agonizing.
Eighteen
“This open space makes me uncomfortable,” Blaise said.
Our path was about to change from sheltering trees to an open green field.
“I don’t see anything, except rusting farm equipment and fields of weeds,” Josh offered.
Sara added, “If we leave the woods, we won’t have protection.”
Sage countered, “If we don’t leave, it will take us hours to go around the field.” She slipped her pack from her back and rubbed her shoulders.
“I think we can do it,” I said. “The field isn’t that wide. Maybe a mile from here to the other side. If we sprint, we can be on the other side in a few minutes.”
My legs were fatigued, but I could make that sprint and the others could too.
“What do you think?” Jonah asked, looking down at Juliette. She would set our pace.
She stepped out of the shade, turning her head left and then right. She nodded; it was her way of agreeing.
“Let’s do it,” Josh said, picking up his pack and pulling his gun from his waist.
Sara and Blaise exchanged a glance of uncertainty while adjusting their packs. Blaise held her gun, and Sara touched the knife she carried, as if to ensure it was still there.
Jonah stooped and lifted Astrea into his arms. “Soon, you’ll run faster than the rest of us. For now, I’m going to carry you,” he said, slipping her like a football under his left arm. He held his gun in his right hand. The dog licked his arm.
“Ready?” Sage asked Juliette.
Juliette bit h
er bottom lip and gave a quick nod. A moment later we were sprinting through weeds up to our thighs. There had been a lot of rain and the ground was soft, offering comfort to shins and knees. Jonah and I stayed with Juliette, on either side of her. Though she was still very much a child, she ran almost as fast as I did. My quads burned and I knew hers must be too, but she showed no sign of slowing as we passed the tractor. We were close to the trees when she fell, her foot caught by the root of a tall weed. Jonah waved the others ahead as I scooped Juliette up, practically carrying her as her feet started to move beneath her. A moment later we were safely hidden in the trees, each of us panting.
“I think … I’m ready for … the Olympics,” Josh gasped as he put his hands on his knees to keep from sitting.
“An EMP definitely gets you in shape,” Blaise huffed, next to him.
“Come on, let’s move forward. We’re too close to the edge here,” Jonah said, releasing Astrea and handing her leash to Juliette.
She and Astrea led the way deeper into the woods. The shadows of the trees offered safety and comfort against the hot afternoon sun.
The smell of moss felt fresh and familiar. “I like the woods,” I said to Jonah.
“Yeah, me too,” he said, placing his gun against his hip.
In front of us, Astrea was sniffing the ground in the frantic way she did only when she smelled something large, like a deer or a hog.
“I think she found a trail,” Jonah said.
We stood still until she stopped sniffing and began pulling Juliette forward.
“I hope it’s not too big,” Blaise said. “We can’t spend days smoking meat.”
“If it’s too big, we don’t have to kill it, but fresh meat is always better than dried-out smoked meat,” Josh said.
Josh was right. We ran as softly as we could, trying to keep up with Astrea. Before I understood what was happening, the trees were gone, and Astrea and Juliette were in the middle of a well-tended, freshly planted open field. Juliette scooped Astrea up, a look of panic crossing her young eyes.
“Come back,” Jonah called to her in a loud whisper.
A second later she was between us, and I wrapped my arms around her, holding her shaking body against mine.
From the Shadows (The Light Book 3) Page 11
