Whispers at Seaside
Page 15
“So am I,” he said casually.
“What if Hagen had been there?”
“I would have had you take him into the restroom with you.”
“That’s it? You would have still put yourself in danger? I’ve heard the rumors about you saving people like some kind of superhero, which is totally hot. And Parker told me that you looked like you’d been in a fight when she met you. Stepping into that situation on the boat was really dangerous.”
They stopped beside his car, and he took both of her hands in his. His chin fell to his chest, and he closed his eyes for a second.
MATT’S FIRST INSTINCT was to brush off Mira’s comments. He’d been getting away with brushing people off since college. Why should now be any different? He drew in a deep breath and opened his eyes. One look at the worry in Mira’s eyes and his heart took a nosedive. She didn’t deserve to be brushed off. Everything was different where she was concerned. He’d asked for her trust, and she had the right to expect the same in return.
“I promised I would never lie to you,” he said, “and I won’t. But I’m not sure what you want to hear.” He released her hands and paced. “That guy grabbed her so hard she screamed. Would you rather I pretended like it wasn’t happening?”
“No, but…” She crossed her arms, a bevy of emotions passing over her face.
“But what? Do you want me to say that if Hagen were there I would have walked away? Because it would be a lie. I would make sure he was safe, just like I did with you. But I saw the telltale signs in that guy’s posture, the danger lurking in his eyes. That woman was backing up before he even touched her. Clearly she was scared.”
“I know, but—”
“But it’s not our problem?”
“No. That’s not what I meant.”
Misdirected anger coiled deep in his gut, anger over not being there all those years ago to help his friend. He raked his hands through his hair, struggling to suppress the ugly emotions coursing through him. He took a few deep breaths and forced a calmer tone.
“Mira, I’m not a guy who can say ‘It’s not my problem’ and walk away, and I know you wouldn’t want me to. I’m sure it was scary for you to see that, and I’m sorry, but I can’t lie to you and pretend I wouldn’t do it again. But that doesn’t mean I’d put you or Hagen in danger. If I didn’t think I could handle a situation I’d back off.”
“Would you?” Her tone was so serious he stopped to think before answering.
“Maybe not,” he said honestly.
She rolled her eyes, and he stepped closer, his love for her pushing the anger out of the way.
“It’s just not that simple. There’s history there.” And it’s held securely in place with enough guilt to keep me going forever.
Her gaze softened and she touched the center of his chest. She smiled so sweetly it felt like an embrace.
“I shared my history with you,” she said. “Will you share yours with me?”
Chapter Eighteen
MATT MULLED OVER where to begin as he and Mira drove back to her house so they’d be there when Hagen arrived. It was one thing to admit what he’d done to Pete, who had his back no matter what. He knew that admitting the truth to Mira wouldn’t be nearly as hard as seeing the look in Mira’s eyes when it finally sank in. When she realized what his selfish drive to succeed in school had cost another woman.
“Do you mind if we sit out back?” he asked as he carried her bags to her bedroom.
“No, that’s fine.”
They sat on the steps to the deck with their feet in the sand, and she looked at him with a mix of awe and concern.
“What you did took courage, and now that we’re not right in the thick of it, I’m crushing on you even harder. Let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want a boyfriend who wasn’t afraid of, well, anything? But I have to think about Hagen and the examples we set for him. I don’t want him thinking he should step into situations he can’t handle. Plus, I worry about you.”
She pressed her hands to his cheeks and kissed him. “I just found you. I don’t want to lose you because some jerk pulls a knife or something. I need to understand this.”
Matt stole another kiss before trying to explain. “First of all, nothing’s going to happen to me. Second of all, don’t you think if Hagen ever witnessed something like that, I’d immediately explain to him why I did it and define boundaries so he didn’t think it was okay to step into something he couldn’t handle?”
She wrinkled her nose and smiled again. “I know you would.”
He couldn’t resist kissing her right on the bridge of her nose, where all those adorable freckles danced.
“Mira, what I’m going to tell you might change how you feel about me.”
“I doubt it,” she said easily.
We’re about to find out. “When I was in school I had one focus—graduating at the top of my class. I knew I wanted to teach at Princeton, and in order to do that, I had to surpass everyone else. My brothers will tell you I lived and breathed schoolwork, while they lived and breathed life, women…”
“So, you’re saying that you had a limited social life?” She looked perplexed, as she should, since she was waiting for a clear answer and he was trying to give her the full picture, as if it might make a difference.
Nothing would make a difference.
“I guess you could say that. My social life came after my studies. I dated and went out with friends, but neither was my priority.” He wrung his hands together, thinking about those stressful years when he’d pushed himself past reasonable limits. “I had plans to meet a friend one night. Cindy Feutra.” He hadn’t said her name in so long it brought a chill to his skin. “We were supposed to go to a party together, but I lost track of time, studying until three in the morning, and I never showed up.”
He shifted his eyes away, remembering the shock of hearing what had happened the next morning when he’d sought her out to apologize for not meeting her. “Cindy was attacked that night on her way back to her dorm.”
His throat tightened, and when Mira touched his arm, he forced himself to meet her gaze. The empathy he saw there nearly slayed him.
“That poor girl.”
“Yes.” His voice cracked with emotion. He waited for her to say something more, to get angry or disgusted and place blame where it clearly belonged. His muscles tensed in preparation of accepting his due, but she simply squeezed his forearm, her gaze remaining warm and caring.
He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve her, but he thanked his lucky stars just the same and told her the rest of the story. “When I went looking for her to apologize the next morning, she was gone. She’d been taken to the hospital that night, and news had spread throughout the campus by morning. She never returned to school. I tried for weeks to reach her, but she didn’t return my calls.”
“And you blame yourself,” Mira said softly.
“Of course I do. If I had met her when I was supposed to, that wouldn’t have happened. I never would have let her walk home alone.”
“But you can’t know what would have actually happened,” Mira pointed out.
“You’re right. The only thing that matters is what did happen.”
“Oh, Matt. I get it, I really do, but sometimes having a big heart makes life much harder than it needs to be. Did they catch the guy who did it?”
Matt shrugged. “There were rumors, but as far as I know, no one was ever arrested.”
“So ever since that night you’ve been stepping in and helping people when they’re in trouble, as some kind of self-inflicted penance?”
“Pretty much. Making up for the mistake I can never take back. And trust me, I understand all the psych stuff behind it. It’s not like I don’t fully comprehend why I do it. Although my brothers will tell you that I went out of my way to help people even before that, which was true. It just wasn’t fueled by the same fire.”
“So…are the rumors true? Do you go out looking for people to save?”
He could deny it, not reveal exactly how deep those demons ran, and she’d never know. But he didn’t want there to be any secrets between them. That was something his mother had drilled into his head as he was growing up, just as she’d drilled into his head that following his heart was the key to a happy life. Matt was beginning to understand that in a much bigger way than he ever had.
“I used to,” he admitted cautiously, watching her process his words. “I’ve helped a lot of people.” He had no idea how many people he’d helped over the years, because he hadn’t been mentally ticking off a debt. It had simply become a way of life.
“Why did you stop?”
“Stop?”
“You said you used to go looking for people to help. Why did you stop?”
He smiled. Finally an easy question. “It wasn’t a cognitive process. I realized the other day that since I’ve been home, since you and I started going out, things changed. I’m no longer restless and unsettled like I always was. I don’t have that urge to chase ghosts.”
Her thin brows slanted in a frown. “Does that mean you think me and Hagen need saving?”
“No, sunshine. You and Hagen don’t need saving. I care about you both, and part of caring is protecting, but it’s not saving.” Her lips curved up, and the worry seemed to drift from her expression. He moved closer, needing the connection as he revealed his truest secrets.
“My life has changed. When I was teaching, I rarely had time for anything else, which is one of the reasons I’m seriously considering giving it up. Helping others was probably also my way of filling a void that I was trying to ignore. And after we met that void became harder and harder to ignore. I wanted you, and I worried about you and Hagen, but I had to continually bury those feelings because you were here and I was hours away.” He paused briefly.
“I’m not going out looking for those situations anymore because that void has been filled in a normal, natural way by being here for you and Hagen, and probably also by reconnecting with my family and being here for them.”
She squeezed his hand. “Good, because I don’t think we need saving either, but we love having you in our lives. Have you thought about tracking down Cindy to apologize and try to gain some closure?”
“I’ve thought about it many times, but it might do more harm than good for her, and she’s the one who’s important in that scenario. And, Mira, closure won’t change my behavior. This is who I am. I won’t turn my back on someone in need, but I promise you I will never do anything that puts you or Hagen in jeopardy. If this is a problem for you, then you have a decision to make, sunshine. Either you can deal with a guy like me, or you can’t. It’s best we figure that out sooner rather than later.”
The front door opened and Hagen ran through the house. “Mom!”
Matt and Mira rose and ascended the steps just as Hagen flew through the back door with a big smile and leaped into Mira’s waiting arms.
“We had the best time!” Hagen said as Mira kissed his cheek. Pushing from his mother’s arms, Hagen hugged Matt. “I showed them how to use the compass and led a hike through the woods! Are you staying for dinner? Uncle Drake and Uncle Rick taught me how to cook over a fire, and I want to cook for you and Mom.”
“That’s your mom’s decision, little man.” Matt looked at Mira.
Her eyes brimmed with unmistakable tenderness and passion. “My decision is”—she paused for a prolonged moment, and in the silence, in the love in her eyes and the warmth emanating from her, her answer to his earlier question became clear—“absolutely. Matt can stay as long as he’d like.”
Chapter Nineteen
FALLING BACK INTO mommy mode was easy, work mode, not so much. Thoughts of her love-filled weekend with Matt clouded Mira’s thoughts. When Matt showed up to take Hagen to camp Monday morning, the sparks she’d come to expect when they were together flew, but they were carried by much deeper emotions than just a few days earlier. They’d shared so much of themselves, the line between where her life ended and his began blurred, and she liked it. A lot.
Forcing herself to take advantage of the quiet time Matt afforded her by driving Hagen to camp, she set to work calling the companies she hoped to interest in the co-op. The first few calls garnered minor interest, but only after answering questions that made her feel like a felon or a scam artist—How did you get my name? What makes you think our business needs help? This was not being received as the promising endeavor she’d hoped it would.
As she gathered her things to leave for work, her phone rang, and Matt’s picture flashed on the screen. Just seeing his image made her pulse quicken.
“The eagle has landed,” Matt said in a mysterious voice.
Mira laughed. “Thank you so much. Was Hagen okay?”
“He was great. We had a blast. We talked about the raft we’re going to build, and if it’s okay with you, we thought we could start a week from Saturday. I figured it might take a few weeks to get your arms around the co-op stuff, and I didn’t want to put any pressure on you.”
Tumble, tumble, tumble.
She was tumbling head over heels for this incredibly caring man. “Sure. That’s perfect.”
“Great. I’ll let Pete and my dad know. Let’s make a day of it. Bring your suit, and you and Jenna can hang out on the beach while we do guy stuff.”
Guy stuff. Why did she love that so much? Because it’s his and Hagen’s thing.
“Sounds like a sly way for you to see me in my bathing suit again.”
“Sunshine, I’ll take all I can get of seeing you—clothed, naked, scantily clad.”
She felt herself blushing. “Mm. Sounds good to me.”
“I’d take this further, but I’m pulling up to Seaside, and I don’t need to be caught with tented pants.”
“No, we wouldn’t want that,” she said with a giggle as she carried her things out to the car.
“I almost forgot. Apparently there’s a field trip at Hagen’s camp Thursday.”
“Yeah, to the playhouse. I filled out all the forms. Do they need something else?”
“No, but Hagen asked if I would chaperone.”
As Mira started her car, she thought maybe she’d heard him wrong. “He asked you to chaperone?”
“Yup. Is that okay?”
“Do you want to chaperone?” Mira had chaperoned school trips so many times in the past, her nerves were on edge just thinking about watching over all those excited children.
“Why not? I haven’t seen The Wizard of Oz in years, and Hagen promised to make sure I didn’t get scared when the flying monkeys came on stage. How can I pass that up?”
It warmed her heart thinking about Matt wanting to do this for Hagen and that Hagen had made that promise. He liked to take care of the people he cared about just like Matt.
“What about your writing? I don’t want you to feel like you have to do it just because he asked.”
“Mira, I want to, and my writing is fine. This morning I wrote for two hours before driving Hagen, and I’ll write for another few hours after we get off the phone. Rest assured, I don’t feel like I have to do anything. I’ve waited months to be able to do these things. Now, stop worrying and tell me about your calls.”
As she drove to work, she told him about her morning. “All the research I did just made me look like a scam artist who wants to take their money.”
“Because they don’t know you. I get it. It’s like when I first began receiving emails from publishers. They were just faceless sales pitches. You need a personal connection.”
“A personal connection? But how? What made you decide which publishers to call back?”
“That was an easy decision. One of the emails was less of a sales pitch. It asked if we could sit down over lunch and talk. It was a no-brainer after that. He was a living, breathing person. That’s it, Mira. That’s what you need.”
“How can I do that? I work full-time and have Hagen. I can’t exactly take the time to visit a dozen businesses.”
“Depending on the investments from each, five or six, yes.” She parked behind the hardware store. “Are you thinking I should keep trying to garner interest, and then go visit the businesses who request more information? Two of the three are in Boston and the other is in New York.”
“Exactly, sunshine. You wanted to take a trip down the East Coast. Why not mix business and pleasure?”
“I want to take the road trip as a vacation with Hagen. There’s no way I can meet business owners with a six-year-old in tow, and I can’t leave him for a week.”
“You’ve got me now, and a little boy who wants to see a few special libraries. We’ll all go. I’ll watch Hagen while you meet with them. It can’t take more than a few hours at most with each. Then we’ll hit the libraries. It’ll be fun. We might not be able to see all of the locations you and Hagen planned, but I’ll make sure he has a great time.”
“Are you kidding? Even if I get five or six people to agree to meet with me, that could take a week or more with driving time.”
“So we’ll fly if we have to.”
“I can’t afford that.” She cut the engine and sank back in her seat. “This is too much, Matt. I don’t think I can make it happen.”
“But I can, and it’s my father’s store you’re trying to save.”
“Matt…” Could she let him do this? It was a lot of money and time. “What about your writing? You said you needed to go into Boston next weekend for research. I can’t keep you from that. Besides, how can you get anything done if we’re traveling? You only have a few weeks before you have to go back.”
“I have several weeks, and I’ll make the time to write in the mornings before Hagen’s awake, or after he goes to sleep at night. And I’ll put off the research in Boston until we take the trip.”
“But I can’t leave your father without help for that long.”