Hello. It’s no good having those stairs going right down from the door.
OSHIVENSKI
Beg pardon?
KUZNETSOFF
It’s treacherous—particularly if the customer is already tipsy. He’ll come crashing down. You’d better do something about it.
OSHIVENSKI
Well, you know, there’s not much you can do—after all, this is a basement, and if I start setting up a platform there—
KUZNETSOFF
I was told that Baron Taubendorf is working as a waiter here. I’d like to see him.
OSHIVENSKI
That’s absolutely correct—he’s already been with me for two weeks. Maybe you’d like to sit down—he should be here any minute. Fyodor Fyodorovich, what time is it?
KUZNETSOFF
I don’t feel like waiting. You’d better tell me where he lives.
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
The Baron comes in at nine on the dot. For the opening curtain, so to speak. He’ll be here in a moment. Do sit down. Sorry about the boxes of nails on the chair...
KUZNETSOFF
(sits; a box falls down)
Didn’t see it.
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
Don’t worry, I’ll pick them up. (drops to one knee in front of Kuznetsoff and begins picking up the scattered nails)
OSHIVENSKI
Some people find a certain charm in the fact that you enter by descending a flight of stairs.
KUZNETSOFF
All these props are no use. How’s business? Bad, I suppose?
OSHIVENSKI
Not so good.... Not many Russians around—well-to-do ones, I mean; there’s no shortage of poor ones, of course. As for the Germans, they have their own pubs, their own habits. So we struggle along as best we can. At first it seemed to me that the idea of a basement tavern...
KUZNETSOFF
Well, right now your tavern’s pretty empty. How much are your expenses?
OSHIVENSKI
On the high side, to be quite frank. I rent it, but you know how that goes—if I needed a basement for storage, there’d be one price, this way it’s another. And when you add on—
KUZNETSOFF
I’m asking you for an exact figure.
OSHIVENSKI
One hundred twenty marks. Plus tax, and what a tax....
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
(peeking behind the blind)
And here’s the Baron!
KUZNETSOFF
Where?
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
I can tell by his legs. Remarkable thing, legs.
OSHIVENSKI
Besides, I had some bad luck with the wine. They got me to buy a batch that was supposed to be a bargain. Instead— (Taubendorf enters. He is wearing a hat but no coat. He is thin, has a clipped mustache, and is dressed in a worn but still elegant dinner jacket. He pauses on the top step, then comes rushing down.)
KUZNETSOFF
(getting up)
Greetings, Kolya.
TAUBENDORF
I’ll be damned—great to see you! After all these winters, all these summers. More winters than summers....
KUZNETSOFF
No, it’s only been eight months. Hello, pal, how are you?
TAUBENDORF
Wait, let’s have a look at you.... Victor Ivanovich, treat him well—he’s a dear friend.
OSHIVENSKI
Off we go to the wine cellar, Fyodor Fyodorovich.
(Oshivenski and Fyodor Fyodorovich go out the door on the right.)
TAUBENDORF
(laughing)
My boss is a bit on the deaf side, but he’s a man of gold. All right, Alyosha, hurry, while we’re alone, tell me everything.
KUZNETSOFF
What’s wrong with you—why all the excitement?
TAUBENDORF
I want to hear the news....Are you here for long?
KUZNETSOFF
Hold on a moment. I just came from the station, and first of all I want to know...
TAUBENDORF
This is incredible! You’ve seen and done God only knows what, and God only knows what danger you’ve been in ... suddenly you reappear and, as if nothing had happened, there’s not a word out of you.
KUZNETSOFF
(sitting down)
You’d probably like to see me wearing an operetta sword and gold braid. That’s not what it’s all about. Where is my wife living now?
TAUBENDORF
(standing in front of him)
Fifty-three Hegel Street, Pension Braun.
KUZNETSOFF
I see. I rode over from the station to where she lived last time I was here. They didn’t know her address. Is her health all right?
TAUBENDORF
Yes, she’s fine.
KUZNETSOFF
I wrote her twice. Once from Moscow and once from Saratov. Did she get my letters?
TAUBENDORF
Yes, sir. The post office forwarded them.
KUZNETSOFF
And how is her financial situation? Do I owe you anything?
TAUBENDORF
No, she had enough to tide her over. She lives very modestly. Alyosha, I can’t stand it any longer—tell me—how is it going?
KUZNETSOFF
Right.... address, health, money.... What else was there? Oh, yes—She hasn’t gotten herself a lover, has she?
TAUBENDORF
Of course not!
KUZNETSOFF
Too bad.
TAUBENDORF
Besides, that’s a shocking question.... She’s such a darling, your wife. I’ll never understand how you could have left her....
KUZNETSOFF
Use your head, sweetheart, and you’ll understand. One other question: why are you wearing eyeliner?
TAUBENDORF
(laughing)
Oh, that’s makeup. Very hard to get off.
KUZNETSOFF
What have you been up to today?
TAUBENDORF
Extra work.
KUZNETSOFF
What does that mean?
TAUBENDORF
At night I’m a waiter here, and during the day I’m a film extra. Right now they’re shooting an idiotic picture about Russia.
KUZNETSOFF
Now let’s get down to business. Everything is going fine. Comrade Gromov, whom by the way I’ll see at the Soviet Mission, has been hinting to me about a promotion, which, naturally, is very gratifying. But, as before, I am short of cash. This must be remedied: I have to meet with a whole lot of people here. Now listen—day after tomorrow Werner is coming in from London. You will give him this ... and this....
(hands him two letters)
TAUBENDORF
Alyosha, remember what you promised me last time?
KUZNETSOFF
I do. But that’s not necessary for now.
TAUBENDORF
But I’m only a pawn. My job consists of such trifles. I’m not kept informed of anything. You refuse to tell me anything. I don’t want to be a pawn. I don’t want to play postman. You promised, Alyosha, that you would take me to Russia with you....
KUZNETSOFF
Don’t be a fool. So, you’ll give this to Werner, and also tell him—
(Oshivenski and Fyodor Fyodorovich return with bottles.)
TAUBENDORF
Alyosha, they’re coming back....
KUZNETSOFF
...that the price of nails is stable.... And be at my place tomorrow at eight. I’m at the Hotel Elysium.
TAUBENDORF
What’s tomorrow, Tuesday? Yes—fortunately tomorrow is my night off.
KUZNETSOFF
Splendid. We’ll have a chat, and then we’ll go look for some chicks.
OSHIVENSKI
Baron, give us a hand here. Soon people will start coming.
(to Kuznetsoff) May I offer you some cognac?
KUZNETSOFF
Many thanks. I won’t refuse. How does one get to Hegel Street from here?
OSHIVENSKI
It’s right nearby: turn right, go three blocks, and you’re there.
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
(pouring the cognac)
Hegelkinsky....
TAUBENDORF
Victor Ivanovich, I think you’re acquainted with Mr. Kuznetsoff's wife.
KUZNETSOFF
Allow me to introduce myself.
OSHIVENSKI
Oshivenski. (They shake hands.) Ouch! Excuse me, but I just hit my thumb with a hammer.
KUZNETSOFF
Oh, so you’re left-handed?
OSHIVENSKI
Yes, of course I know her. We met at Easter. My wife, Yevghenia Vasilyevna, and she are great friends.
TAUBENDORF
Listen, how did you guess that Victor Ivanovich was left-handed?
KUZNETSOFF
Which hand do you usually hold a nail with? You’re a real whiz kid....
OSHIVENSKI
So you’ve been out of town?
KUZNETSOFF
Yes, out of town.
OSHIVENSKI
Warsaw, wasn’t it? I think that’s what Olga Pavlovna said....
KUZNETSOFF
Yes, I visited Warsaw too. To your health.
(Marianna enters. She is wearing a light-gray tailored dress, and has short hair. Her legs and lips immediately identify her as a Russian. She walks with a loose gait.)
TAUBENDORF
Your obedient servant, Marianna Sergeyevna.
MARIANNA
You’re an awful stinker, Baron. How come you didn’t wait for me? Moser gave me a lift back in his car, and there was room for you, too.
TAUBENDORF
Marianna dear, I was a wreck after the shooting—what with the klieg lights and the yelling and everything. And I was hungry.
MARIANNA
You could have warned me. I looked all over for you.
TAUBENDORF
I beg your forgiveness. The humble extra begs the forgiveness of the film star.
MARIANNA
No, I’m very hurt. And please don’t think the only reason I dropped in here was to tell you that. I need to make a phone call. Guten abend, Victor Ivanovich.
OSHIVENSKI
It’s time you stopped getting lovelier, Marianna Sergeyevna: the thing could assume monstrous proportions. Mr. Kuznetsoff, this famous film starlet lives in the same modest boardinghouse as your wife.
MARIANNA
How do you do. (nods to Kuznetsoff) Victor Ivanovich, may I use your phone?
OSHIVENSKI
To your heart’s content.
(Marianna crosses to the door on the right, near which the telephone is located.)
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
I guess nobody wants to say hello to me.
MARIANNA
Oh, excuse me, Fyodor Fyodorovich. By the way, show me what I have to do to call out from here.
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
First you have to press the nipple—here, this little red button.
KUZNETSOFF
(to Taubendorf)
Kolya, that’s what I call a real looker. Or else, as they also say, a classy broad, (laughs) An actress, is she?
TAUBENDORF
Yes, she and I are working together in a film. Only, I play the crowd and get ten marks, and she plays the Other Woman and gets fifty.
MARIANNA
(into the phone)
Bitte, drei und dreissig, eins null.
KUZNETSOFF
Of course that isn’t the lead?
TAUBENDORF
No, the Other Woman always makes less than the heroine.
KUZNETSOFF
Last name?
TAUBENDORF
Tal’. Marianna Sergeyevna Tal’.
KUZNETSOFF
It’s convenient that she lives in the same boardinghouse. She can take me there.
MARIANNA
(into the telephone)
Bitte, Fraulein Rubansky. Oh, it’s you, Lyulya. I didn’t recognize your voice.
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
I guess we can turn on the rest of the lights, Victor Ivanovich. Soon it’ll be ten o’clock.
OSHIVENSKI
If you want....I have a feeling nobody will come tonight.
(Fyodor Fyodorovich turns on the remaining lights.)
MARIANNA
(into the phone)
Nonsense. Where did you hear that? We finish shooting in a week—they’re in a terrible rush. Yes.
TAUBENDORF
Alyosha, forgive me if I ask: aren’t you the least bit anxious to see your wife?
MARIANNA
(into the phone)
Oh, he’s such a pest.... What did you say? No, of course not.
I can’t tell you now—I’m not alone here. Ask a question, and I’ll answer. Oh, you’re so silly—of course not. Yes, he usually drives himself, but not today. What did you say?
KUZNETSOFF
Actually, what do you care whether I'm anxious or not? Is she married?
TAUBENDORF
Who?
KUZNETSOFF
This one here....
TAUBENDORF
Oh, this one.... Yes, I think so. She lives alone, though.
MARIANNA
(into the phone)
What a rotten thing! Did he really say that? (laughs) What? You have to hang up? Who’s keeping you from talking at your end? Oh, I see, I see... (with a lilt)Auf wiederse-e-ehn.
KUZNETSOFF
(to Marianna)
You didn’t talk very much. I thought it would take longer.
OSHIVENSKI
(to Marianna)
That’ll be twenty pfennigs. Thank you. First cash that’s come in today.
MARIANNA
(to Kuznetsoff)
And why did you think it would take longer?
KUZNETSOFF
Can I buy you a drink?
MARIANNA
What do you take me for, a bar girl?
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
Bar the bar girls.
KUZNETSOFF
If you don’t want to you don’t have to. (to Taubendorf) So I’ll see you tomorrow, Kolya. Don’t be late.
MARIANNA
(to Kuznetsoff)
Wait—let’s sit down over there. I guess I can spare a minute.
FYODOR FYODOROVICH
The huge hall was inadequate for the enormous crowd.
OSHIVENSKI
You know what, Fyodor Fyodorovich, be a good chap and turn off the big lamps, would you? It’s just an added expense.
(He sits in a wicker chair by the bar and listlessly leafs through a newspaper. Then he grows pensive and yawns a couple of times.)
TAUBENDORF
(approaching the table, situated downstage, where Marianna and Kuznetsoff are seated)
What is your pleasure? Some wine? A liqueur?
KUZNETSOFF
I don’t care. Make it a cherrya brandy.
MARIANNA
How odd: Olga Pavlovna never told me anything about you.
KUZNETSOFF
Good for her. Are you free tomorrow night?
MARIANNA
Do you really care to know?
KUZNETSOFF
In that case I’ll meet you at ten o’clock sharp in the hall of the Hotel Elysium. And bring Lyulya along too. I’ll be with Taubendorf.
Man From the USSR & Other Plays Page 4
