by A. T Brennan
I’d forgotten that when he’d died. I’d clung to his memory, but my grief overshadowed all the good he brought to the world. Kaden would never have wanted me to spend my life alone and miserable, just like I wouldn’t want him to be unhappy if it was him who had been left alive and I was the one who’d died.
Kai was bringing some of that light back into my life. He made me want to smile and laugh and experience new things. He reminded me that there were good and genuine people out there, and loss and trauma didn’t have to define us.
I was able to let go with him in a way that I’d never been able to before, and while it felt a bit like a betrayal to admit, I was less inhibited with him than I’d ever been with Kaden.
Kaden had been a bit of a timid lover, and he’d needed me to be gentle with him. I’d never been able to get him to push his boundaries or try new things, but that was fine because I loved him just the way he was. Kai wasn’t exactly waving his freak flag, but he was much more sexually open and free, and I loved how we seemed perfectly in sync.
Then there were his kisses.
God, I could get lost kissing Kai. It was as if the world melted away, and the only things left were him and me. The passion and the intimacy of it were off the charts, and it was thrilling to feel that side of me come alive again.
There was no guilt when I thought about being with Kai like there had been with every other man I’d fucked before him. The moment had been about the two of us, and there was no way in hell I could ever regret or think badly of even a single second of it.
I didn’t know what exactly all that meant, but I did know I was falling for him. What had started as a one-night stand with a go-go dancer had morphed into a tentative relationship, and now it seemed determined to blossom into love.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy being with Kai in the long run. He had a lot of responsibilities he had to take care of. He had school, his cam shows, dancing, and taking care of his mom. I knew I’d have to take a backseat to everything else he had going on in his life, but that didn’t bother me.
It was time I did more with my life than work. I had a family at the bar I’d always kept at a distance, though they’d only ever shown me love and support. That needed to change. I wanted to be more involved in their lives, and it was time I stopped shutting down around them.
Every time someone asked me to do something outside of the bar I’d made up an excuse not to go. It was time to stop being such a loner and show my family that I wanted to be a part of things, and that I was grateful to have them.
It wasn’t going to be an overnight change, but I was done isolating myself. It was time I stopped punishing myself for being alive.
I rolled over and tried to force my eyes closed, hoping to trick my body into sleep. I missed having Kai’s body next to mine. Even though we’d only slept together a couple of nights, I’d gotten used to feeling him beside me, and my bed was lonely without him.
With a sigh, I opened my eyes and rolled onto my back so I could stare at the dark ceiling.
There was one thing about Kai that had been bothering me. Every time we were together, and he’d look at his phone, his face would drop, and he’d get tense. It only lasted for a few seconds, but the reaction was there. There’d been a few times where I’d seen his home screen, and there would be dozens of missed calls and messages, but he wouldn’t tell me about them.
When I’d ask, he’d just shove his phone in his pocket and say it was nothing, and that would be the end of the conversation. It could be true, but why did he react so strongly when he saw the notifications, and why did he insist on keeping the phone on silent all the time, which only forced him to look at it more often than if it was on?
He’d told me that Levi managed all of his social media stuff for “Skylar,” so those notifications were for him and not his dance/cam persona.
I wanted to believe him when he said there was nothing for me to worry about, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something serious going on.
“AS I LIVE AND BREATHE,” Layla greeted as I walked into the bar two hours before my shift was scheduled to start. “Zander’s here early?”
“Hey, I show up early all the time.” I grinned and leaned against the bar.
Cody and Layla exchanged amused looks.
“What?”
“You look happy.” Layla smiled. “Cody told me there’s a new man in your life?”
“He did, did he?” I glanced at Cody and found him blushing slightly. “And what did he tell you about this ‘new man.’”
“Not a lot. Just that you’re happy.”
“Well, Cody’s right. I am happy.”
“I’m really glad to hear that,” Layla said softly as she reached out to put her hand on my arm. “I’ve honestly never seen you smile like this before. It’s like you’re completely open and that shadow that was always lurking behind your eyes is gone.”
“I feel like it is.” I nodded and patted Layla’s hand. “I didn’t even realize it was there, but now that it’s gone I feel lighter if that makes sense.”
“Perfect sense.” She nodded, beaming at me.
“Hey, Cody, what are your men up to right now?” I asked, turning my attention to Cody.
“Isaac should already be home, and Jonah’s off soon,” he answered as he checked the time on his phone.
“Then how about you take off now so you can have a little more time with them tonight.”
“Really? Thanks, Zander. Are you sure?”
I glanced around the bar and grinned. “I’m sure Layla and I can handle three tables until Blaze and Tristan show up.”
“Right. Of course.” Cody leaned over and gave Layla a kiss on the cheek. “See you tomorrow.”
“Bye, hun, and ask Jonah what he wants me to bring on Sunday.”
“I will.” Cody paused as he glanced at me. “Are you working on Sunday?”
“Not this week.”
“Would you like to come to our place for dinner? It’s not going to be anything fancy. Jonah wants to test out some new recipes from the Asian cooking class he and Layla took, and he always makes way too much food when he does.”
“I’d love to.” I smiled, a sense of genuine warmth washing over me at the invitation. “What time? Kai and I are going climbing in the afternoon.”
“Around six? Bring him if he’s free. Jonah and Isaac would love to meet him.”
“And so would I,” Layla cut in pointedly.
“I’ll ask him the next time I talk to him,” I promised.
“Great!” Cody shouldered his bag and came around the bar to give me a hug. “Thanks again.”
“Enjoy your night.”
I watched Cody leave the bar and turned to Layla.
“Switch. You get to play bartender, and I get to be the lazy one watching you work.”
Rolling my eyes playfully, I went behind the bar as she took my vacated place.
“So, tell me about Kai,” she prompted as soon as I’d shoved my sweater in the cubby under the bar.
“He’s great. Really smart, sweet, kind. He’s a really genuine person.”
“What’s he do?”
“He’s in school. He’s studying to be a veterinarian.”
“Wow, that’s great. You like him?”
“I do.”
“But, I can see there’s a but in there.” Layla rolled her hand in a “tell me more” motion.
“He’s got a lot he has to deal with. I’m not worried about him being busy or not having time for me, but I worry that it’s too much for him.”
“What do you mean?”
Normally, I wouldn’t tell anyone Kai’s personal business, but Layla was different. She was a vault when it came to secrets, and her unique perspective had helped me see things from new angles before.
“He’s a dancer at Chimera, so he works a lot of nights. He also does cam shows online.”
“Wow.” There was no judgment in Layla’s voice. “And he goes to school full-
time?”
“Yeah, plus, he’s got a lot of responsibility at home.”
“How so?”
“He and his mom have a lot of debt. She got sick a few years ago, and he’s been trying to dig them out of the hole ever since. He’s handling everything well now, but I worry he’s going to burn out.”
“Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about his problems,” Layla said softly. “You can’t erase his debt or take his classes for him. All you can really do is be there for him and understand when he’ll need you to step up or step back.”
“I know you’re right.” I sighed and raked my hand though my hair absentmindedly.
“You really like him, don’t you?”
“I do. It just kind of crept up on me, but I think I’m falling for him.”
“And you’re scared,” she stated, instead of asked.
“Yeah.”
“Because it means moving on?”
“Because it means that I’ve wasted the last six years of my life. I thought I could never feel even a fraction of what I felt for Kaden for another man. I spent so much time alone and bitter and wallowing. I almost ended it all.”
Layla didn’t know about my almost suicide attempt, and by the way her eyes widened I probably should have sprung that on her better.
“When?” she asked softly.
“On the five-year anniversary of his death.” I dropped my voice. “I don’t want to talk about the details, but that’s how low I got.”
“Zander, that anniversary is coming up.” Layla looked worried. “Are you going to be okay this year?”
“I’m not going to do anything stupid. I promise.” I nodded.
That was another thing that was bothering me. The anniversary of Kaden’s death was in ten days, and while I was in a better place this year, I didn’t know how I’d handle it when the day actually arrived.
“If you need someone, reach out, okay? Whether it’s me, or Evan, or Kai. Promise me you’ll reach out to someone if you feel that spiral taking over. Okay?”
“I will. I promise.”
“Good. So what are you going to do about Kai and his situation?”
“Nothing. I’m going to let him handle things and be there when he needs me to be.”
“Good boy. Want to hear some news?” she asked, a blush creeping over her cheeks.
“Of course. By the way you’re blushing, I’m guessing you have a new lady in your life?”
Layla nodded, her blush deepening.
“That’s awesome, Layla. Tell me about her.”
“Her name is Kendra. She teaches third grade.”
“Where did you meet?”
She pushed her long red braid over her shoulder, her green eyes sparkling. “At the grocery store if you can believe it.”
“This sounds like the opening to an awesome meet-cute story.”
“We were both reaching for the last carton of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and touched it at the same time. She looked at me and gave me the cutest little smile and said we should flip for it. We started talking and flirting, and she suggested we go out for ice cream instead.”
“Wow. And you went?”
“We did. She’s amazing. Really kind and sweet, and sexy as all hell. I like her.”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
“A few weeks now. It’s still new, but I have a good feeling about it.”
“I’m happy for you, Layla. I’d say you should bring her around to meet everyone, but that would be hypocritical since you haven’t met my boyfriend yet.”
The moment the word “boyfriend” slipped out I knew that was exactly what Kai was. We weren’t just dating or seeing each other. He was my boyfriend, and I was falling in love with him.
“Well, I’ll get to meet him on Sunday, hopefully. So at least that little oversight will be rectified,” she teased.
I was about to shoot back a semi-scathing report when the doors to the bar opened, and a large group walked in.
“Back to reality.” Layla grinned and picked up a stack of papers she’d left on the corner of the bar. “Think you can handle it for another half hour until Blaze gets here?”
“I’ll holler if I need help.”
Layla laughed and headed into the back office to finish up her paperwork before our turnover.
I pulled out my phone and quickly typed out a message for Kai and sent it just as half of the new group stepped up to the bar. Time to work. It’s what I was being paid to do, after all.
Chapter Sixteen
Kai
I miss you.
I stared at the message Zander sent, my face flushing as I grinned like an idiot.
I miss you too.
Not exactly the most original reply, but it was all I could think to type that didn’t include me spilling my guts and confessing that I loved him.
“What are you smiling about?” Levi slid into the booth across from me and grabbed the large mocha I’d picked up for him when I’d gotten to the coffee shop. “And sorry I’m late. My last client was a nightmare.”
“Oh yeah?” I sipped my vanilla latte. “How so?”
“She brought in a photo of what she wanted me to do. A cute inverted bob. She also wanted highlights. Simple, right?”
“Sounds it.”
“Well, she wanted the bob, but without me cutting more than an inch off her hair.”
“How long was it?”
“Past her shoulders.”
“What?”
“Exactly! She also wanted me to put red streaks in her hair. Guess what color her hair was?”
“Red?”
“Yes! It took me almost twenty minutes to convince her to let me put in multifaceted highlights and give her layers.”
“Wow. The worst thing I had to deal with today was my lab partner making fag jokes and asking me if I’ve always liked cock or if I’d switched teams because of a bad lay with a chick.”
“Can I throat punch him for you? He needs to be throat punched.”
“The lab’s almost over.” I sighed. “Why rock the boat now?”
“Because you should have been rocking it from the start,” he said pointedly. “Now, quit stalling and tell me why you were grinning at your lap when I walked in. You either really like your dick, or you were holding your phone so no one could see it.”
“I love my dick. It’s an awesome dick.”
“Yes, it is. And hundreds of your followers will say the same.” Levi rolled his eyes playfully. “What was on your phone?”
“Zander sent me a text. Said he misses me.”
“Cute. He’s normally not like that, is he?”
“No, usually it’s a message about something specific. Never just an ‘I miss you’ out of the blue like that.”
“So, are you boyfriends yet? Because you sound like boyfriends.”
“We haven’t talked about that.”
“Why not? You’re exclusive. You’re spending all of your limited free time with him. You text and chat all the time, and you’re still on that adorable ‘let’s work on our emotional relationship’ thing and not fucking like bunnies every time you get together.”
“Not everything is about sex.” I rolled my eyes and took a sip of my latte. I wasn’t about to admit it, but I was horny as fuck and wanted nothing more than to climb Zander like a tree and ride him like a mechanical bull.
“No, but it should be.” He winked, and I couldn’t help chuckling.
My phone vibrated in my hand, and I unlocked it and opened my messages by feel. I looked down at the screen, expecting to see a text from Zander.
It wasn’t from Zander. It was another message from that number that was a line of zeros.
“Kai?” Levi asked as I continued to stare at my phone as three more messages appeared in the thread. They were video messages, and after hesitating for a moment, I tapped the first one.
What I saw made my blood run cold, and little flashes of silver appeared in my visi
on.
“Kai? Sweetie, what is it?” Levi reached out and put his hand over mine, jarring me out of my momentary shock.
I handed him my phone, and he checked out the messages.
“Babe, this goes way beyond some jackass prank calling you or recording your cam show.” Levi looked up at me, worry shining in his eyes. “He knows where you dance.”
The four messages were short clips of me dancing at Chimera. I could tell when they’d been taken by what I’d been wearing.
“Are these all from the same night? Do you do costume changes?”
“Sometimes, but those are theme nights over the last two weeks.”
“That means he’s local. Kai, this is serious.”
“What can I do? I don’t know what he looks like.”
“I don’t know, but you have to do something. The police?”
“All I have are these messages.”
“You didn’t keep the others?”
“I erased all of them.” I shook my head.
“I don’t think the cam site keeps records of who’s been in your room. I keep blocking his handle over and over again, but he just creates a new account and adds a number to the end of it.”
“Fanboy1. That was the first one he used.”
“He’s up to fanboy38, at least he was the last time I kicked him out of the room.”
“It wouldn’t matter if they kept records. He had an anonymous account and had never bought tokens, so all he’d need was an email address to register.”
“I still say you need to tell someone. This is fucked up.”
“There’s nothing anyone can do. Why make a big deal out of it. Eventually, he’ll get bored.”
“Before or after he hurts you?”
“All he’s done is call and send texts. He’s never even spoken to me.”
“He found out your phone number. That was the first red flag that this was getting out of control.”
“I still have no idea how he managed that.”
“Kai, I’m scared for you.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“What if you told Zander—”
“I’m not burdening him with this. Things are so fragile I don’t want this to be the reason he bolts.”
