by Matt Shaw
“I’m sorry, I missed that,” said Judge Reiger as he took the apple from Van Helsing’s mouth. “Please, you were saying?”
“I said, that sounds delightful, when do we start?”
The audience laughed at Van Helsing’s comeback and are instantly silenced by a look from Judge Reiger.
“Seeing as you’re so keen… let’s get started then!” Judge Reiger stood up and leant over to Van Helsing, sinking his teeth deep into his neck.
I think it’s unfair to report back to you that Van Helsing screamed like a girl but… well, he did scream like a girl. His scream echoed throughout the hall before it was drowned out by the cheers of the audience members, happy to witness the downfall of such a historic figure.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooo!” screamed Victor from the opposite table, as he struggled against the restraints.
Judge Reiger stood up triumphant, blood trickling down his chin, “He tastes like chicken!”
The audience cheered louder still – all of them growing fangs as the smell of blood filled their lungs. Judge Reiger beckoned to someone off stage and another vampire ran on, clutching a small puppy.
“This is the blood that you deserve!” Judge Reiger took hold of the puppy in one hand and, once again, picked up his knife before digging it in the puppy’s neck (no real dogs were hurt in the making of this book). The puppy yelped as its blood spurted from its neck, directly into Van Helsing’s mouth. Van Helsing struggled against the restraints and spat out some of the blood. No matter how much he struggled – he couldn’t help but to swallow some; a thick, irony taste.
“He can fix this! Let us go. He can fix this! We can both fix all of this. It doesn’t have to be like this!” screamed Victor.
Judge Reiger dropped the lifeless puppy and turned to the audience once again, “I don’t know about you, but I could really do with some pudding!” He walked over to Victor’s table and licked Victor’s face. “It’s nice but I think it’s missing something… WAITER?”
Another vampire walked in, this time from stage right, holding a big bowl of custard. Judge Reiger took a large spoonful from the bowl and tipped it over Victor’s head. The cheering crowd laughed.
“There, much better!”
“FRANKENSTEIN!” boomed a voice from outside.
“What?” said Judge Reiger, stopping suddenly. He turned to the other vampires on the stage. “What was that?”
“FRANKENSTEIN!” boomed the voice again. Victor knew who it was. Well, Victor knew what it was.
“Would someone please find out who is making that awful racket and silence them for good!” ordered Judge Reiger from the safety of his stage. “Some of us are trying to eat!”
A group of vampires peeled themselves away from the audience and charged towards the door (and the sound of the booming voice). Before they could open it, Frankenstein’s monster kicked it in – sending the inquisitive vampires flying back through the air.
“FRANKENSTEIN!” screamed the monster.
“I’m over here!” Victor shouted back.
“Don’t just stand there…. KILL HIM!” bellowed Judge Reiger. Again, he turned to his colleagues on the stage, “I’m sorry but didn’t we drop this guy at the bottom of the ocean? How’d he find us?”
“Fluke?” suggested one vampire.
“Coincidence?” suggested another.
Judge Reiger smiled at their smart-ass answers before swinging the knife across their throats in one fast movement – dropping them to the floor in the blink of an eye. He shouted at the audience, “The first two people to kill that thing are hereby promoted to join me as my captains!”
The vampires in the audience didn’t need any more encouragement and began to charge the monster (who, by the way, was actually called Bob).
Now, we all know vampires can move fast and are strong but, against Bob, they aren’t a match. Every time one of the nimble vampires leapt through the air towards Bob, he simply plucked them from the sky and flung them around the room – sometimes using one as a shield against other vampires or swinging them around by their feet taking out numerous targets in one fluid movement. When a vampire did manage to correctly land on Bob and sink their teeth into him – it didn’t make a difference because of the lack of blood flowing through his system. Instead, their bite was more of a mild irritation.
Judge Reiger stepped towards Van Helsing who was still struggling against his restraints that kept him bound to the table; the pain he was in was obvious by the expression on his face.
“Just because he’s here, don’t think you’ve won this. You’re one of us now. Even if I don’t get to force feed you the garlic – you’re a vampire now. You’re something you despise. Who knows, maybe you’ll take your own life and do us all a favour?”
Van Helsing turned to look at Judge Reiger, “Then I have an eternity to hunt you down and kill you.”
“Spooky,” smiled Judge Reiger as he turned and left the stage via the emergency exit, “I guess I’ll see you soon.”
The other vampires, who were on the stage, left by the same exit; leaving Victor and Van Helsing to continue trying to pointlessly break away from their restraints as Bob continued to fling vampires around the room like little rag-dolls until more of the vampires joined in the frenzied attack against Bob, hoping to stop him in his tracks and within minutes he was completely covered in biting, kicking and punching vampires.
“Get off of him! You’re hurting him!” cried Victor as custard trickled down his face.
The vampires did stop. They stopped their biting. They stopped their punching. They stopped their kicking and they all climbed from the dead body of Bob (although, to be more accurate it’s not really the dead body of Bob – it’s the dead body of numerous individuals who were all dug up to create Bob but that’s not important). The vampires turned to face Victor and Van Helsing – all determined to have their fill from the two of them.
“Bugger,” said Victor.
“How can they be killing your monster? Isn’t he already dead?” asked Van Helsing through gritted teeth as his stomach continued to cramp up from the consumed puppy-dog blood.
“True,” replied Victor, “I just didn’t want them to dent the bodywork. He already looks as though he has been through the wars.”
Behind the vampires, Bob opened one of his eyes. He then opened his other eye before slowly sitting up and quietly moving into a standing position.
With outstretched arms and an almighty roar he bellowed at the top of his dead lungs, “FRANKENSTEIN!”
The vampires jumped (as no doubt you would too in the same position) and span around in time to see Bob’s fists starting to fly in their direction again. Bob’s first punch connected with a large(ish) vampire who flew back through the room and into the far wall, just behind the stage. The second vampire was forced in the same direction, forming a large hole to appear in the brickwork. The third vampire went through the wall, letting daylight spill into the room…
If this were a typical Hollywood story, I’d describe how the vampires would burst into flames at the first touch of the sunlight. But this isn’t a Hollywood story and their take on things is slightly different to reality. After all, they just want their versions to allow for bigger explosions that draw the crowds in to see their movies. The truth of the matter is – vampires like sunlight. It’s the long, cold winter months that they actually dislike. If you think about it, they are cold already because they are (un)dead. The sunlight warms their bodies up and allows them to feel alive again.
Before the war kicked off and they reached global domination – they only lived in cooler climates because there was less chance of them being hunted down by people. In the cold climates, you rarely had people holidaying there so you only had to worry about the people that occupied the town that you moved to. In warmer climates, not only would they have had to worry about the locals wanting to kill them, they would have also had to worry about the tourists that had come from overseas seeking a nice little s
un tan and perhaps the head of a vampire as a keepsake.
The daylight that spilled into the auditorium now was a blessing for the vampires, who were losing their battle against Bob, because it allowed them the chance of warming up their cold skin again and also, more importantly, getting well away from the hard fists of this seemingly unstoppable monster.
Within minutes the room had cleared of vampires as they all ran to the large hole in the wall and morphed into bats in one fluid movement, allowing them to fly off into the distance.
“Quick, over here,” beckoned Victor as Bob lurched in his direction. “Hurry before they come back!”
I don’t know how you are with knots, dear readers, but I am rubbish with them. Instead I tend to simply reach for the scissors and hack away. After all, if I make that much of a mess of my shoe laces, I could always buy myself a new pack. Cutting knots is a far simpler solution (and faster) than trying to undo them with your fingers; especially if you have clumsy fingers – like Bob.
“Use the knife! Use the knife!” panicked Victor, half watching Bob struggle and half watching the gap in the wall for more angry vampires.
Bob looked around the table for a quick second before picking up one of the many razor sharp knives in his big, clumsy hands. For a split second, Victor wished that he had brought a ballet dancer’s form back to life as opposed to the bulk of Bob.
“Change of plan,” screamed Victor as Bob struggled to get to grips with the knife, “just rip me away from the table!”
Victor braced himself as Bob took hold of his body and pulled, with half of his might, him away from the restraints (and table). Even with less than half the might of Bob, the ropes stood no chance and easily snapped (although it was a little painful on Victor’s wrists and he couldn’t help but to let out a little scream).
“Please, help Van Helsing, I’m okay now… you remember Van Helsing?” said Victor has he wiped the custard from his face.
“FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEND,” bellowed Bob as he took hold of Van Helsing and ripped him from his restraints in the same way that freed his master.
“Thank you,” said Van Helsing as he stood to his full height, rubbing the bite mark on his neck.
It’s hard to say what exactly happened next, as it all happened so fast. I believe Bob saw the mark of the vampire on Van Helsing and instantly took him to be one of the enemies that had dropped him to the bottom of the ocean and tried to feast upon his master.
In the blink of an eye and with a scream of “vampire”, Bob had managed to grab the sharp knife from the table and stick it directly into Van Helsing’s forehead. Van Helsing, as a natural reflex, ducked the incoming blow (albeit too late) before standing back to his full height and backing away from the advancing Bob.
“Jesus! Stop him, Victor!” said Van Helsing, unaware that he had a very sharp blade sticking from his head.
“Bob! NO! Friend! Helsing - friend!”
Bob stopped in his threatening steps and turned back to Victor, “FRIIIIIIIIIIEND?”
“Yes, Bob, friend,” reassured Victor.
There was a pause as Bob stepped down from ‘attack mode’. Van Helsing laughed, “Well, that was certainly close.”
Victor and Bob didn’t laugh back (mind you, Bob was actually incapable of laughing). They simply starred at Van Helsing in disbelief (again, I say ‘they’ but it was just Victor who stared in disbelief. Bob always had that distant expression on his face).
“What? What is it?”
“We’re going to have to hurry up and put things right,” said Victor as he stepped forward and gently pulled the knife from Van Helsing’s head.
“What the hell is that?” screamed Van Helsing as he thumbed the fresh hole in his head. “That was in my head? How am I alive?”
There was silence.
It was a rhetorical question. Van Helsing already knew the answer. He wasn’t alive. He was very much at the in-between stage and time was running out.
* * * * *
Bulimia nervosa (normally referred to as ‘bulimia’) is a condition that was first recognised in 1979 as an eating disorder.
Bulimia can affect men and women although statistically women are ten times more likely to develop the condition compared to men although, recently, it has started to become more common in boys and men. Still, recent studies suggest around eight in every one hundred women will have bulimia at some point in their lives (the condition can occur at any age but it often starts around the age of 19 although it has been known, on rarer occasions, to affect kiddies).
Eating disorders can sometimes be difficult to understand. Everyone has their own eating habits. I, myself, like Burger Kings. The habits of people with eating disorders though are motivated by an overwhelming fear of turning into a fatty.
People with bulimia tend to alternate between eating excessive amounts of food (like two Burger King meals in one sitting, for example) and then making themselves sick; a process known as ‘purging’. They do this in order to maintain a chosen weight and it is normally done in secret (thank God because I for one don’t want to see it whilst I am trying to wolf my dinner down). People with bulimia purge themselves because they feel guilty about binge-eating, but the binging is a compulsive act that they believe they can’t control.
Victor Frankenstein, Van Helsing and Bob do not have bulimia. In fact, as far as I am aware, they are perfectly healthy. Well perhaps ‘perfectly healthy’ isn’t the right turn of phrase. Let us not forget that Van Helsing is in the painful process of turning into a vampire and Bob is a jigsaw puzzle of different corpse pieces that Victor brought back to life as part of a strange experiment (although I still think he brought Bob back to life to cure his loneliness). Perhaps it would have been better to say – as far as I am aware Victor, Bob and Van Helsing didn’t have any sort of eating disorder.
Mind you, if I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, there was no real need to even bring bulimia into the narrative structure of this novel at all. No one has bulimia in this book and there is a perfectly normal explanation as to why Victor and Van Helsing were frantically sticking their fingers down their throats.
They weren’t purging. They weren’t feeling the pangs of guilt for having had a binge-eating session. They were simply sat in the auditorium desperately trying to sick the potion back up (that had been safely tucked away in Bob’s pockets) before it took hold of their bodies and catapulted them into the future. If you remember – you drink it (and keep it down) to go forward in time and you sick it back up to go back in time… Normally a simple procedure but not something that I’d recommend you try for, even though it is easy enough to achieve, it certainly isn’t healthy or pleasant.
Whilst Victor and Van Helsing were busy fingering the fleshy bit at the back of their throats (sorry, parents, for I now realise how rude that sounded), Bob just sat there. He hadn’t drunk the potion.
When Victor and Bob drank it, in the first instance when they wanted to shoot forward in time, it was fairly easy for Victor to get Bob to drink it. He simply made Bob open his mouth and tilt his head back. When Bob was in the required position, he simply tipped the liquid down his throat. Technically – there was no swallowing involved.
Victor knew asking Bob to drink the liquid and throw it back up again would have been a waste of time. For one, Bob (with his limited mental capabilities) probably wouldn’t understand and would have ended up shooting forward in time again and secondly, he was just a reanimated corpse at the end of the day. His internal organs no longer functioned and Victor didn’t even know whether Bob was capable of vomiting.
Victor wasn’t upset that he was about to leave his companion behind. He could, after all, always build himself a new one when he got home or he could always come forward again to meet up with him when he and Van Helsing put things right in the past. He also had a nagging feeling that, if people in the past were reunited with Bob (after all the trouble Bob had caused) they were less likely to forgive Victor for his own crimes against th
e townsfolk.
Victor also knew that the ‘current future’ that Bob was left in, would change around him. Both Victor and Van Helsing hoped that it would change for the better; a better world for Bob to live in. A better world where he could forge himself a new life, a career (like Governor of California)… perhaps even settle down with a nice lady friend. Well, a small part of Van Helsing wanted a better future for Bob’s benefit but it has to be said that a bigger part of Van Helsing thought along the more selfish lines of – if I can change the future, not only would I never have been bitten but also that poor little puppy wouldn’t have to die.
And so, with the final words “I’ll be back”, Victor violently threw up over Bob and vanished in a puff of purple smoke, promptly followed by Van Helsing (who was also as sick as a parrot).
(Quick note from the author)
