It took a Herculean effort not to sigh in relief right there in front of him, but I did breathe a little easier.
“Why?” he asked curiously, narrowing his eyes at me. “Did you say something important?” His eyes lit up with interest.
“No, I didn’t,” I quickly denied, standing up and busying myself with brushing off dirt from my jeans so I’d have a reason not to look at him, “and even if I did, I obviously wouldn’t tell you.”
Colin stared at me for a second longer and then he turned away, tugging Lassie after him. I blinked in surprise. I’d expected a condescending laugh, a chuckle or even a smile—but he simply looked away.
I didn’t think about it too much though. As long as the spotlight wasn’t on me, I was happy.
We decided to take Lassie once around the park and then call it a day. We walked quietly—the only sounds around us were Lassie’s chain clinking, the birds chirping, and the soft crunch underneath our shoes. A little while later, I could already see Colin’s truck up ahead in the distance.
I strode straight towards it, going a little ahead of Colin and Lassie, but a hand captured my wrist and stopped me. I looked back and saw that Colin had stopped, and he was holding onto my arm like a lifeline.
“What is it?” I asked.
He swallowed, hesitating, before saying, “Seven, I have to tell you something.”
“Okay,” I said slowly, looking at him cautiously. “What’s up?”
“I…” He paused, a crease forming between his eyebrows as he thought meticulously about what he was going to say. “I think I…”
My heart pounded as I thought of the possibilities of what his next words could be. I love you. I never want to see you again. I’m gay.
“I had a great time today,” he suddenly blurted out in one breath.
“Oh,” I couldn’t help saying in disappointment. I tried a smile and said, “Yeah, me too.”
“Good,” he said, nodding. His eyes drifted down to his sneakers and he cleared his throat. “I, uh, better get you home now.”
“Yeah,” I said, still not moving an inch.
“Okay,” he said, taking the first step towards his truck. I followed suit behind him, my fingers fiddling with the cuffs of my sweater. We let Lassie sit with us in the front, Colin opened the door for me again, and then we were on the road back home.
Entry 19: All Good Things Come To an End
Date: April 11, 2013
The next day at school almost everyone was talking about the upcoming prom. Even as early as now, guys were already asking for dates and girls were getting ready with their best prom dress designs. Posters were being put up on the walls, displaying pictures of prom queen and king candidates.
“Do you already have a dress in mind?” Amy asked me as we walked down the hallway and to our next class. We passed by a group of girls taping a couple more posters on some lockers. One of them handed us fliers with a picture of a cheerleader winking and giving a thumbs-up. Below, in bold pink letters, it said, “Vote for Jenny!”
“Not really,” I answered honestly, once we’d left those girls behind us. “I’d always pictured that perfect dress, but I’d never get the right one…”
The truth was, I just hadn’t had the time to think of anything else besides the black notebook for the past month.
Ever since I entered high school, I always looked forward to proms. Each year I’d hoped Colin would notice me and miraculously ask me to go with him, but I always ended up sitting at the sidelines with a guy friend who didn’t have anyone else better to go with, watching Colin on the dance floor with some gorgeous girl in a beautiful gown.
I wasn’t expecting anything all that different this year.
At least you got to dance with him at that concert, I told myself reassuringly.
“I’m thinking of an ocean blue color,” Nicole, one of Amy’s closest friends, said, eyes glued to the ceiling as she pictured her dream dress. I didn’t hang out with her that often, but she too shared some dirty little secrets with me. “Not just one solid color, but different shades of blue all together.”
“That would go well with those silver heels you just bought!” Amy exclaimed, excitement clear in her voice.
“You’re right,” Nicole said, nodding in satisfaction. “Perfect! Now all I need is a date to prom.”
“I know,” Amy agreed, pouting. “Prom is still a month away, but most of the girls I know have already been asked!”
Nicole turned to her with a knowing smile. “Do you have any guys you’d want asking you in mind?”
Amy hesitated, cutting a quick glance to my direction. She shrugged. “No one in particular,” she said, but I knew she wanted Tim to ask her. I decided to help her a little.
“You can just go with a friend, you know,” I said. “Why not just go with that boy you sit beside in Geom? His name’s Timothy, right?”
“Oh, right, Tim,” she said, trying not to blush. “I almost forgot about him.”
Nicole laughed, tossing her blonde hair back. “Good luck with that,” she said. “It seems like he’s not interested in asking anyone to prom.”
“Really?” Amy asked, shocked. Her eyes fell to the floor. “W-Well, I have plenty other guy friends so…” She did her best to act nonchalant, but I could see chips in that armor she was wearing—the corner of her lips turning down in a frown, the nervous cracking of her knuckles.
“What about you, Seven?” Nicole asked, grinning. “Are you going with Colin Stillman?”
I blinked rapidly at her, my heart thundering in panic. “W-What? Why would I go with Colin?”
“Oh, come on,” she said teasingly. “It’s so obvious you guys are together.”
Uh-oh. “We’re not exactly…together…” I had no idea what Colin and I were. I always thought we were sort of friends now, but friends definitely do not kiss each other. I was just groping for a rational answer in my mind when I looked up and—speak of the devil—spotted a familiar redhead some distance away.
Colin was surrounded by his friends, as per usual, but, the moment he caught me looking his way, he smiled.
Hi, he mouthed at me, waving. I shyly waved back.
Even from afar, I could see his friends snickering, nudging him at the side with their elbows and pushing him around. He turned back and gestured for them to shut up, but it was clear he was laughing. I couldn’t help laughing as well.
When Colin and his group had moved on, Nicole turned to me with a smug look. “That was so adorable. It’s impossible you guys don’t have a thing for each other,” she said matter-of-factly. “You cannot convince me otherwise now.”
“Whatever you say, Nicole,” I said, rolling my eyes at her.
“Okay, this is me,” Amy said, extracting herself from us and heading towards the history classroom.
“See you later!” Nicole called after her as she and I went over to English Lit. The bell rang just as we entered the room.
***
The next four hours were uneventful. I spent most of my time doodling at the corners of my notebook, writing lyrics of love songs, and wondering if Colin would ask me to prom. So when I left in the middle of bio, my last class for the day, to have a quick stop at the bathroom, I wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary to happen.
I sidestepped to let two girls exit the bathroom before ducking inside. I started towards one of the cubicles, thinking distractedly about the day I disguised myself under a black sweatshirt and embarrassed myself in front of the whole student body with a plate of spaghetti. It felt like it had happened years ago.
I pushed the door open and then I heard a sob.
I halted, mid-stride, and retraced my steps to peer at the other doors. Only one other cubicle was occupied. I edged toward it carefully, making sure I didn’t make any sudden noises.
I pressed my ear to the door and listened. The girl inside blew her nose and muttered, “Why…?”
Alt
hough her voice was slightly altered by her clogged nose and hoarse throat, it sounded extremely familiar.
“Amy?” I tested out the name. The girl immediately stopped sniffling. “Who’s there?” she croaked.
“Amy, it’s Seven,” I said, knocking on her door. “Open up.”
“Leave me alone.”
“Amy,” I said. “Come on.”
“I said leave me alone,” she said stubbornly.
“Amy, I’m not leaving until you open this door and tell me what’s wrong.”
She didn’t respond right after that. She left me in silence for a few minutes and then let out a small cry before I heard the lock click in place. The door swung outward and I tentatively stepped inside.
Amy sat on the closed lid of the toilet, crumpled tissues piled up on her lap. Her nose was bright red and so were her eyes. Tears ran freely down her face, ruining her mascara.
“Oh, Amy,” I said, dropping to my knees in front of her so that I was at her eye level. “What happened?”
She wept, scrubbing her cheeks with the tissue. “Tim…he…” she started to say, and then broke into a sob.
“Shh,” I said, patting her knee. “It’s okay. It’s okay. What about Tim?”
“He…he found out,” she blurted, two big teardrops falling out from under her long lashes.
I furrowed my eyebrows at her. “He found out about what?”
“He knows, Seven,” she said exasperatedly, pulling out another tissue from her purse. “He knows I like him…and…and…”
“And? And then what?” I insisted.
“And he…he outright told me he doesn’t like me back,” she cried, clutching the tissue so tightly her knuckles were turning chalk-white. “I tried to…act cool about it but…” She gasped, taking quick, short breaths.
I reached over and rubbed her back, trying to soothe away the tension there. I watched as another tear fell. “Now…now he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He wouldn’t even look at me,” she said, covering her face with both hands. “Why?” she asked, almost yelling, “I tried to hide it from him…I made sure nobody s-suspected anything…”
“Amy,” I said, trying and failing to mitigate the pain. “Maybe…maybe he’s just really sharp in sensing these kinds of things…or maybe his friends noticed something even you didn’t notice.”
But she wasn’t listening. She rambled on, “My friends don’t even know…I didn’t tell anyone else…”
“Amy,” I said sternly. “Amy, look at me.” I grabbed her by the shoulders and made her lift her eyes to me. “You’re going to get through this, okay?”
“But—”
“Listen,” I said, cutting her off. “This—Tim—is just temporary. You’re a junior. You’ve got one more year of high school to go and then there’s college too. You’ll meet plenty of other boys, you’ll experience more heartbreak, more chances at love, and then you’ll look back at this day and laugh it off with your future, mega-hot boyfriend.”
She couldn’t seem to stop crying, but at least I’d made her smile, which was a good thing. Amy hiccupped, her shoulders rising abruptly. “Y-You seem to know a lot about it.”
I laughed a bitter laugh and shook my head. “I guess you could say…I’m going through something similar right now. And I’m just saying the things I wish someone else would say to me.”
She sniffed, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “But doesn’t…doesn’t knowing all of this help? Why do you need someone else to tell you what you already know?”
I opened my mouth to answer and then quickly closed it. After a while, I finally said, “Sometimes your heart just can’t easily accept what your mind can. You know something’s wrong and yet your heart still dares to beg otherwise.”
Like even when I already know it’s hopeless for Colin and me, I still dare to hope, I thought sadly.
Amy shuffled her feet awkwardly, not knowing what to say. She wiped her nose one more time and threw the tissue into the trashcan.
“Anyway,” I said, clearing my throat, “we need to get back to class.” I got up to my feet, dusting off some dirt on my knees, but Amy remained seated. She bowed her head. “My class is with Tim…I-I don’t want to face him…”
“You can’t always run away like this,” I said. “You’ll have to face it sooner or later. Better now than never.”
“Hey, that rhymes,” she said weakly, chuckling. I laughed, trying to make light of the situation, but then her smile faded away and she swallowed, biting her lip. We were soon plunged into awkwardness.
At last, she said, “You’re right,” with a sigh. “I’m sorry…I’ll…I’ll catch up. I just need to freshen up.”
“Okay,” I said, nodding. I turned on my heel and was about to leave, but I looked back at her over my shoulder. “Don’t be afraid, Amy. Everything will be alright.”
She nodded and hastily dabbed her eyes with another tissue. Her eyes were starting to look swollen.
I left her sitting there, gathering herself, and went back to bio. As I slid back in my seat though, one thing still bothered me: how did Timothy find out?
Amy said she did her best to cover her feelings up, and I believed her. I saw how she reacted, how she controlled herself a while ago with Nicole. She may have had a couple of slips here and there, but Nicole didn’t seem to notice a thing. None of her friends did.
My friends don’t even know…she’d said. I didn’t tell anyone else…
I didn’t tell anyone else…
My eyes widened in realization. Amy didn’t tell anyone else but me about her infatuation with Timothy because she couldn’t even trust her friends. And I probably wrote her secret in the black notebook, which was with…
“Colin,” I whispered, feeling my stomach drop to the floor.
Of course! It must’ve been him. No doubt he knew all the secrets contained within by now. It had been with him for too long already.
I tightened my hands into fists. This was my fault too. I’d allowed this to happen, I’d allowed his charms to distract me from getting it back. If I had resisted, if I had convinced myself harder that Colin wasn’t as good as I thought he was, if only I’d realized sooner that he couldn’t be trusted with anything, then maybe Amy wouldn’t be sitting in a cubicle in the girls’ bathroom, crying her eyes out in misery.
Maybe her friendship with Timothy could’ve lasted longer and she could actually have had a chance with him. She could have had her happy ending.
I’d become complacent and now look at what had happened. Who knew what other secrets Colin had spilled?
I closed my eyes briefly and let out a deep but shaky breath. I trusted him. I loved him, foolishly thinking that he wouldn’t do anything with the secrets inside because he was a good guy.
I obviously didn’t know him well enough.
***
When bio finally ended, Colin was standing by his locker, alone.
I didn’t think twice. I marched up towards him, my blood boiling just at the thought of what he’d done, and demanded, “Give me back the notebook, Colin.”
“Nice to see you too,” he said, laughing. He slammed his locker shut and turned to me, grinning, but when he got a good look at my pissed-off expression, his smile dissipated. “Seven? Hey, what’s—” Colin reached out to cup my cheek but I swatted his gentle hand away.
His green eyes widened in shock. I thought I saw something in them seem to break, but I refused to believe his heart was breaking just because of that. “Did I do something wrong?”
“How dare you even ask,” I said, seething. “How dare you pretend like nothing’s wrong when you’re ruining someone else’s life as we speak!”
“Whoa, hey,” he said, raising his hands as if to touch me again, but I flinched away, watching him like he was a rabid animal on the loose. He noticed my look and dropped his hands. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“How about t
his: Amy and Timothy?” I asked, scowling. “Ring any bells?”
Colin stared at me blankly. “Am I supposed to know them? I mean, I know Timothy—he’s in the student council—but I don’t know who Amy is.”
“You may not know her personally, but I know you’ve read her name in my notebook,” I said, pointing accusingly at him. “And I know you spread her secret!”
“What?” he asked incredulously. “What on earth are you talking about?”
I groaned angrily, stomping my foot in frustration. “Stop lying already!” I said. “You know Amy likes Timothy and you know she’s been trying to keep it a secret. I wrote it in that stupid black notebook you stole and now Timothy’s found out about it and he rejected her. He won’t even look at her, and it’s all because you just wanted to have some fun—”
“Alright, first of all,” Colin said, raising his voice over mine, “whether or not her secret came out, Timothy would’ve rejected her anyway. This Amy you’re talking about should be glad she found out about it before she started to hope for anything else. Secondly, I’m not—” He was about to say more, but I didn’t let him finish.
I slapped him across the face.
He stumbled back and touched his cheek where a red imprint of my hand was blooming. Part of me expected him to react, to ask why I did it, but shock paralyzed him. In fact, he looked more shocked—and hurt—with the fact that I’d slapped him, rather than the actual physical pain.
“That wasn’t your call to make!” I screamed at him, my vision swimming with tears. “You should’ve left them alone! They are not toys you can just play with like that!”
Now everyone was watching us. All noise and chatter died down and they turned their heads to see what was going on.
“This is too much,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I didn’t want to cry in front of Colin and I definitely didn’t want everyone else to see me breaking down, but I couldn’t help it. I was so, so tired of this. “I endured it when you kept spinning me in circles and making fun of me. I endured it and accepted it…but now you’ve involved someone else in your little game. How can you be like this? I know—I know you’re carefree and you don’t take anything seriously, but you have got to know when to stop.”
The Black Notebook Page 30
