I won’t let it.
“Ready?” Lisa asks, turning around to face me with an optimistic expression on her face.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I respond faintly.
“Let’s do this.” She gives my hand a reassuring squeeze before stepping out of the car with so much ease and confidence.
I take another deep breath and prepare myself for the worst. People around here don’t forget and I’m convinced that someone will intentionally say or do something that will make me uncomfortable. However, I realise that Lisa is right. I do need to rebuild my life and start to live again. For the past year I’ve existed without happiness and I am determined that is one of the things that is going to change.
I follow Lisa up the garden path, making sure that my gaze is focused on the ground in front of me. There’s a group of guys outside the front door, smoking and drinking. They’re already intoxicated and the smell of alcohol makes me uneasy. My hand instinctively reaches out for Lisa’s and I grab hold of it firmly.
“Wow, last year she provided us with some half decent wanking material and now she’s all set for her first lesbian porno.” One malicious idiot from my year jokes, slapping one of his friends on the back in a masculine display of camaraderie.
“Shit, I didn’t bring my camera.” The second one replies. “Maybe she’ll let me take a few pictures on my phone instead. What do you say, Serena?”
“Fuck off, assholes.” Lisa retorts fiercely, positioning herself right in-between my aggressors and myself.
“Guess not.” The first one retaliates. “She must be on her period.”
“Wow, that’s original.” She quips drily, rolling her eyes.
I allow her to guide me through the front door to safety, far too embarrassed and deflated to look back.
“I can’t believe that just happened.” I whisper, unable to stop my body from trembling.
“Shh, it’s ok. It’s fine. You won’t have to see them again.” She assures me, tucking a stray strand of my brown hair behind my ear.
“What if they come in here?” I ask her, overwhelmed by the feeling of being helpless and trapped.
My eyes are already searching for the exit, certain that I will have to know where my nearest escape route is.
“Nothing is going to happen to you, Serena. We’ll leave if they come back inside, I promise.”
I’m just about to respond when we’re interrupted by Stacey, the hostess of tonight’s party.
“Lisa, you came!” She squeals excitedly, throwing her arms around my best friend as she pulls her into a welcoming embrace.
“Yeah, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to pop by and wish you a happy birthday.” Lisa says, struggling to remove herself from Stacey’s hold. “I also brought my best friend, Serena.”
She turns Stacey around to face me and I smile at her, trying to ignore the terror that’s swirling around inside of me from being exposed like this.
“I’ve seen you before.” She giggles, swaying from side to side as she attempts to keep her balance.
She’s clearly a little worse for wear from all the alcohol she’s consumed and this in itself makes me even more uneasy. I know that nothing good comes from drinking and that’s the main reason I choose not to drink at all. I grew up with a mother who depends upon alcohol. She needs it just to get through the day and I never, ever want to end up like her. I refuse to tempt fate and that’s why I abstain from it altogether.
“Well, we are all in the same year at school.” Lisa explains slowly.
She’s able to comprehend just how drunk Stacey is and if I’m being honest, I admire her for not losing her patience altogether.
“I know, I know.” Stacey slurs, throwing another arm around Lisa. “But what I mean to say is that I’ve seen an awful lot more of Serena than I have of anyone else… if you get what I mean.”
I cringe and turn away, searching for the same exit I was looking for just a moment ago.
“I can’t do this.” I murmur, throwing a desperate glance at Lisa.
I need to get the hell out of here and don’t waste another second, breaking off from Stacey and my friend to find a way out. I stumble and collide with several people, ignoring their vicious comments and snide remarks as I push and shove my way through the crowds. The music is blaring but I can still hear Lisa calling out my name.
I blunder on, frantic and distraught, convinced that everything will be alright as soon as I manage to get outside. Once I breathe in some fresh air and feel my lungs expand, everything will be ok. I make my way into the kitchen and pray that the back door in front of me will be unlocked, physically incapable of going back the way I came.
It’s open. Thank God.
I slam the back door shut behind me and make me way into the back garden. There’s no one out here for some reason and I take a moment to appreciate the magnificence that comes with being alone. I crave oxygen and breathe in deeply, raking my fingers through my hair as I battle the rage which is threatening to consume me.
Knowing that Lisa will be out here any second, I decide to make my way around the side of the house. I’m hoping it will buy me a few more minutes by myself before I’m forced to go back indoors to find my friend. I can see now how stupid I was to just head out here without knowing which way I had to go to actually leave the premises.
A noise to my left startles me, pulling me out of my deep contemplation. It’s getting dark so I can’t really make out who it is but I know I heard something. The noise came from behind, just by the side of the house where I’m standing and the fact that whoever made it is so close to me is more than a little creepy.
I take a step back, trailing my fingertips across the brick wall to my left as I attempt to find my way back into Stacey’s garden.
“Don’t stop” I hear a girl moan, presumably in pleasure. “Please.” She begs, breathing heavily.
I have no desire to see whoever it is and panic, stumbling over my own feet in my desperate struggle to get out of the way. I fall to the ground and scrape my knees, having to bite down on my bottom lip to stop myself from crying out in pain. I pull myself back up until I’m in a standing position and fumble for the wall which I hope will guide me. The sound from the party draws near, meaning I must be close to entering the back garden.
I’m almost there, just a couple more feet and I’ll be standing outside the kitchen window, soon to be free from this appalling nightmare.
That is until I hear his voice.
“Green?”
Hearing that word, hearing the nickname that he chose to give me three weeks ago causes my entire body to freeze. Slowly turning around, I come face to face with those eyes. The same eyes which have continued to haunt me for three weeks. The same dark brown eyes which glimmer in the moonlight, fixated on my frightened expression as his penetrating gaze remains steady and unfaltering.
I realise with dismay that Cole is the one who is causing the girl in front of me to writhe and whimper in pleasure. He has her pressed up against the wall with her long, tanned legs wrapped around his waist. Her eyes are closed as she begs him to continue, she has yet to notice my presence and that’s the way I want to keep it.
However, it’s Cole’s hypnotic stare that keeps me transfixed. I can scarcely breathe, let alone move. I’m actually watching him have sex with someone else and don’t know whether I should scream, cry, run away or ask him why he’s glaring at me. His entire focus is aimed on me, my face, my expression and even my body. He is physically with her but emotionally… he is inside me.
I’m just about to flee, sickened and disgusted by the sight I’ve accidentally stumbled upon when he moistens his lips. He narrows his cruel eyes at me and silently mouths something, something I can’t quite make out.
“Serena, are you out here?!”
I hear Lisa’s voice calling me from the house and decide to make my escape, tearing off in the opposite direction before the girl Cole was with finds out I was watching them. I’m breathless and
terrified as I stumble back into the garden, tripping over my own feet as I search for Lisa.
She’s outside too, wandering around the back garden in an attempt to find me.
“Lisa, it’s ok. I’m here.”
“Thank God!” She exclaims loudly. “Where have you been? I searched the whole house for you until someone said they saw you run outside. I thought you might have left without me.”
“No, I didn’t.” I murmur softly, taking a glance behind me. “Can we go?”
Knowing that Cole is just a few feet away from us is frightening. My need to get out of here is intense and I know I won’t feel safe until I’m back home again and in my own bedroom.
“Of course. Let’s get out of here.”
She links her arm through mine and guides me through Stacey’s house. When I first ran out of here a few minutes before, I was convinced that I would not have the strength to go back inside but now… now I realise that a fate far worse than that awaits me outside and that’s Cole.
I ignore the whispers, the mocking tones and even the rude comments which are directed at me as we make out exit. I avoid eye contact with anyone, choosing to remain focused on the ground beneath my feet as I approach Lisa’s car.
She pulls away from Stacey’s house and we both breathe a sigh of relief, glad to put some distance between ourselves and the people at the party.
“Are you ok?” Lisa asks, choosing to wait several minutes before raising the issue of what just happened.
“I will be.” I whisper softly, staring out the open window at the night-time traffic.
“Where did you go?”
“I just needed some fresh air.” I respond calmly, determined to keep the events of what I actually saw to myself. “I didn’t want to come back inside and I guess I was hoping to find a way out somewhere around the back of the house.”
“I’m so sorry.” She apologises, casting a nervous look in my direction. “It’s all my fault.”
“Don’t say that.” I tell her kindly, upset that she would even think of such a thing.
“But it is. You didn’t even want to go to the stupid party and I forced you to.”
I can see she’s upset and know it’s my job to convince her that’s she’s wrong. Lisa was only trying to help me and I can hardly blame her for doing something nice for me, even if it did go spectacularly wrong.
“Lisa, you didn’t coerce me into anything. I chose to come out with you tonight.”
“I still blame myself.” She wails, thumping the steering wheel in anger.
“Well, you shouldn’t.” I reply calmly. “Because I don’t.”
We say our goodbyes as soon as her car pulls up outside my house. I somehow manage to convince her that I’ll be fine spending the night by myself and she finally drives off, leaving me all alone and confused outside the house I’m supposed to think of as home.
I suppose it would be if my relationship with my mum was a little better. It must be nice to come home to a warm house, a cosy fireplace and a parent that wants you there. It’s never been like this for me and I suppose it’s something I’ve grown used to over the years. I guess I’ve now come to accept the circumstances I’ve been dealt and embrace the small amount of blessings that come my way.
Even if I do I have an absentee father who only comes to visit me once a year and a mother who doesn’t really care if I’m here or I’m not, I know my life will be better one day. It just has to be.
I force my weary body up the stairs so I can run myself a hot bath before bed, making sure I add plenty of bubbles and a bit of music to help me try and relax. I do realise that I can’t go on like this for much longer, I know my mind is going to try and process the horrific altercation I had with Cole earlier, even if I don’t want it to. My subconscious is going to want to make sense of everything, desperate to figure out the meaning behind what happened.
You caught him screwing another girl and now you’re jealous. My internal voice taunts me, delighting in the unprecedented emotions this stirs up inside of me.
“That’s not true.” I say firmly, hoping that my firm statement will be enough to quieten my thoughts.
Climbing into bed, I consider the reasons why I chose to keep quiet about Cole to Lisa. I know if I had told her she would have been horrified but I know that wasn’t the reason I said nothing.
Everything between me and Cole feels… private somehow. It’s as though I want to keep it all to myself so I can cherish it, keep it sacred and make sure it remains meaningful. I know this doesn’t make any sense and I know it makes me seem a little crazy but that’s just how I feel. No matter what I do, I just can’t get him out of my head. He’s somehow managed to work his way inside my head and I don’t know what the hell I can do to get him out of it!
I toss and turn in bed for hours, unable to erase the explicit image I now have of Cole and that girl together. I want to forget it but I can’t. It’s so crisp and clear inside my head, it’s almost as though they’re in front of me. I can’t help remembering how turned on she was or how exquisite she looked with her long blonde hair and her toned, tanned legs wrapped firmly around his waist.
I guess that must be his type. Someone the complete opposite of me.
Argh! I have to stop this right now. It’s getting to be ridiculous and so is the fact that I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since I met him. He doesn’t even know I exist and here I am, making myself feel ill with worry and anxiety about him.
Fed up and frustrated, I throw back the covers and jump out of bed. I’m starting to feel claustrophobic from staying inside my bedroom and decide to go downstairs to make myself a warm drink.
Its three o’clock in the morning and the house is silent. It’s actually quite creepy and that’s what forces me to switch on the lamp in the living room, hoping the warm light from it will make me feel more at ease.
The kitchen is quite chilly so I eagerly switch on the kettle and lean back against the counter, wrapping my arms around myself to try and keep warm whilst I wait. The large window opposite has blinds but they’re not closed. We never spend any time in the kitchen late at night which is why we never use them.
I gaze out the window, unable to see anything but my own reflection staring back at me. We have quite a large back garden and use it often. I’ve actually lost count of the number of barbeques Lisa and I had over the summer.
I close my eyes, raking my fingers through my brown hair. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, I wish I could understand the turmoil going on inside of me and why it all started on the same day I collided with Cole. I guess I just can’t understand why he would stare at me like that when he was with someone else. Why didn’t he tell me to get lost or something? It’s as though he actually got a kick out of making me uncomfortable. He wanted me to stay where I was and watch them together… but why?
The kettle finishes boiling and I grab a mug, deciding to make myself a decaffeinated coffee so I won’t stay awake even longer when I go back to bed. I’m just about to switch off the kitchen light and go sit in the living room when I see it.
A silhouette outside.
Watching me.
I gasp and take a step back, spilling half of my coffee onto the floor beneath my feet. Narrowing my eyes, I peer through the darkness outside, almost certain that my exhaustion must be causing me to see things.
I realise that can’t be the case when the figure outside refuses to disappear. It’s stood about ten feet away from my house, still and silent as he stares back at me. I can’t make out his face but by his muscular frame and masculine stance, I can tell he’s a male.
For one horrifying second I realise I’m going to have to call the police. This is not a figment of my imagination and he clearly means to do me some harm if he’s standing outside my kitchen window in the middle of the night.
Placing my coffee cup down on the counter, I turn to go back into the living room so I can phone the police. My movement causes my mysterious observer to take a
step forward and that’s when I gain a much clearer view of him. My brain finally pieces it all together as I realise that I actually know the identity of my spectator.
Cole.
It’s him, I know it is. I even recognize the black jacket he normally wears to school, the same jacket he had on several hours ago when I caught him having sex with that girl.
What the hell is he doing here? What does he want and should I be afraid? Under normal circumstances, I really would be. I should be petrified of him and the comprehension that’s he’s actually outside my house and staring at me but the truth is… I’m not. I’m intrigued more than anything and fight against the impulse I have to fling open my back door and ask him what he wants.
He remains there for a few more moments, relentless and persistent in his entrancing perusal of me. He unnerves, captivates and enthrals me at the exact same time and I’m not sure which emotion I should go with.
Five minutes later and he’s gone. He simply walked away from me and didn’t even look back. He walked away with his head held high and a confidence I could never hope to possess, leaving me even more confused and upset than ever.
Its two hours later and I’m still wide awake in bed when the chilling truth suddenly dawns on me. It’s like I’m reliving the exact moment once again, only this time I’m able to read his lips. I’m capable of deciphering the silent words he mouthed to me when we were outside Stacey’s house.
It’s disturbing, disconcerting and beyond alarming but I know what he wordlessly said to me. I’m also certain that he knew exactly what he was doing when he did it.
Two words.
Two words that will change everything…
“You’re next.”
Chapter Three
After that night I was too scared to spend another one by myself. I came up with a lame excuse as to why I didn’t want to stay in the house alone and asked Lisa to sleep over on Saturday. I knew I didn’t need to worry about Sunday night because my mum is usually nursing a hangover at home by the end of the weekend.
That Summer (Part One) Page 3
