by Jayne Blue
“Why? Why are you putting yourself at risk for Doug? You’ve done it a thousand times before, haven’t you? And you always end up back here. He doesn’t change. And every time it gets a little bit worse.”
I closed my eyes and blew out a breath. Maybe it was the wine taking over. It was a little bit of that. But it was something else too. Brax had shown me something as he knelt before me on the couch. He’d trusted me with a glimpse into the darkest parts of himself and dared me to back away. I hadn’t. Partly because I needed that darkness to fight against whatever was trying to pull Doug away from me. But partly because I needed Brax.
“He’s the only person left. The only one who knows what it was like to grow up in the house I did. The only one who can remember my mother before all the bad things happened.”
He narrowed his eyes at me and something occurred to me for the first time. My God, he didn’t know. Maybe not any of it. And why would he? He didn’t travel in the circles I did and that’s what had drawn me to him all those years ago on the one night I let myself be reckless. He didn’t frequent the ice cream parlor and hadn’t even remembered it was there.
Fresh hot tears welled in my eyes. I’d been so used to putting up my defense wall, I’d forgotten what it felt like not to need it. Brax didn’t know and probably didn’t give a shit what my family had done. He wasn’t looking to spread gossip about it.
“What bad things?” he said, setting down his own wine glass.
I didn’t know if I could do it. I couldn’t remember if I had ever done it. Told anyone the story from beginning to end. My father never wanted to talk about it. Other friends and shirttail relatives had preferred hushed whispers behind our backs.
I squared my shoulders and looked at him. I used harsher words than maybe I should have. Hoping to shock him perhaps. Or at least, hoping he wouldn’t be shocked like everyone else.
“My mother killed herself. Cut herself with one of my father’s filet knives in the upstairs guest-bathroom tub.”
Brax didn’t flinch. I realized then I was still wearing the leather jacket he’d draped around my shoulders. The sleeves hung so long, they nearly reached my knees. I could still feel his warmth wrapped around me. It smelled of him. Leather, the hint of sweat, and that spicy male scent that still came to me in my dreams from all those years ago. He didn’t say the things people always say. No “I’m sorry. How horrible for you. You poor thing.” Maybe if he had, I would have stopped the story then and there. For once though, and because of that, it didn’t hurt to tell the rest. At least, not as much.
I reached over and grabbed the bottle of wine. This was my third glass. By the end of it, my head would probably swim. I wanted that even though the alarm bells rang loud in some back corner of my brain. But the bad thing had already happened, hadn’t it? My mother couldn’t kill herself again.
“She had her own tub. That’s one thing I could never figure out. At least, not until I got older. My dad built her one of those multi-jet Jacuzzis. She’d sink into it every Friday night after we closed the parlor. Instead, she picked my bathroom. How do you like that? She picked a place to do that where she’d know I’d be the most likely to find her.”
Brax raised a brow and picked up the bottle of wine. There was only an inch or two left at the bottom and he raised it to his lips and downed the rest. I watched the strong muscles of his throat work as he gulped the liquid down. He set it down hard on the counter. Drops of wine colored his lips bright red and I had to suppress the urge to kiss him.
“Maybe she thought of that. Maybe she knew you were the strongest. That you could handle it better than anyone else when you found her. That you could survive it.”
A genuine smile reached my lips. I lifted my glass and pointed my index finger at him. “That, Mr. Anderson, was exactly her point, I think. Like I said, it took me a while to figure that out.”
Brax shook his head and let out a bitter laugh. “Well, that’s a hell of a fucked-up way to give you a compliment. But I suppose in a fucked-up way you have to take it.”
I tilted my glass toward him; he picked up his empty one and clinked the rims together. He watched me. I hadn’t meant to say anything else on the subject. I’d revealed more to him in the last five minutes than I had to anyone. Ever. But it was as if Brax could see into my soul or read my mind.
“You didn’t though, did you? Find her, I mean.”
I set my empty glass down and slid my palms against the granite. For a moment, I think I was trying to hold on to the edge of the world.
“No. I didn’t find her.”
Brax put his hand over mine. It was just a slight gesture. But the solid warmth of his fingers against mine poured strength into me somehow. I turned toward him, letting my eyes travel up the squared lines of his shoulder, the rippled strength of his chest, and where the corded muscles of his neck bunched as he swallowed hard.
“Doug did,” I said. “It would have been me. But I stayed out later. It was the only time I ever broke curfew. Can you believe that?”
I could have stopped. Maybe I should have. I didn’t.
“Nicole?” Again, it seemed like Brax could read my thoughts. I couldn’t breathe. The room spun from more than the wine. He gathered my hands in his. God, they were so big. It seemed like he could fit each of my hands in the palm of one of his. But he wasn’t a giant. He was just a man sitting in front of me asking for the truth.
“That night,” I said, my voice choked and hard. “You wanted to take me home. I was afraid though. Even after what we did. I was worried what might happen if anyone saw me riding on the back of your bike. So I went to a friend’s house instead. Hitched a ride with her brother but I had to wait for him. He was taking his girlfriend home and was late getting back. I should have listened to you. I’ve never regretted anything we did except for that one thing. I shouldn’t have been afraid. I should have let you drive me home. See, if I had, I would have made curfew. I would have been there before Doug got home and went upstairs. I would have been the one to open the bathroom door. Just like she thought I would.”
“Jesus Christ.”
Brax moved with slow, glacial grace. He pulled me against him. Even then, I didn’t cry. I’d done all that before. I shut my eyes tight and let him hold me. Something slammed into place for me, like a puzzle piece. I’d wanted this that night. After all the chaos, the harsh sirens, blinding lights of the hospital waiting room. When it was so late it became early, I’d drawn my knees up to my chest and sat in the middle of my childhood canopy bed alone. I’d wanted Brax to hold me like this. Not my father. No one else. I’d wanted Brax.
I stiffened in his arms. He held me fast as I tried to pull away, but only for an instant. Then he let me go and I turned toward the table again.
“I think maybe we should have had something stronger than the wine.”
Brax laughed. “It’s not too late for that.”
I put up a hand in surrender. “No. I’m a mean drunk. An ugly one too. You wouldn’t like it. It’s horrifying.”
This got a belly laugh out of him that sent a vibration straight up my spine. “Well, no wonder you’re a sucker for your kid brother. How old was he at the time?”
It felt like a yoke had been lifted off my shoulders. Though it had grown heavy for a moment, things seemed natural and easy between us. Brax had unwittingly shared one of the best and worst nights of my life with me and it made me feel good that he finally knew it.
“Sixth grade. Not quite thirteen.”
Brax whistled low. “That is country-western-song-level suffering right there.”
“I know. But it’s not an excuse. I mean, well, it is. But yeah.”
“When did he start using?”
The air in my lungs started to sting. Again, it was in me to minimize, cover, just like I always did. But with Brax, I knew now there was no need. “I don’t know for sure. By the time he hit high school. Pot, at least. For a long time I thought that’s all it was.”
“W
ell, it’s not just that anymore. You know that, right? You have to believe that shit has never been the GWMC scene, but if he’s got people like Daryl Hodges in his life, Doug’s graduated to the really bad stuff. Heroin probably.”
I squeezed my eyes shut tight and nodded. Horrifying as it was, it felt good to admit in a way. “I think so. I’ve never seen tracks though. On his arms, I mean.”
Brax shrugged. “That doesn’t mean anything, Nicole. He might not be shooting it. Or if he is, he might do it in a place you can’t see.”
“Is it too late, do you think?”
I’d wanted to ease into the question, but there it was.
“Nicole, he’s probably dealing. It’s more than just using if he’s asking you for that kind of money and he’s gone to ground. My guess, he lost or snorted a shipment. Now whoever he works for wants their shit or their money. He’s on short time.”
I buried my face in my hands. “God. Tell me the truth. What are his chances?”
Brax’s nostrils flared as he inhaled hard. Even as he got ready to deliver news I knew I didn’t want to hear, I couldn’t help marveling at him. Huge. Hard. Thick platinum hair that hung well past his shoulders. He had Viking blood in him somewhere, that was obvious.
“Nicole, I’m going to be straight with you. I don’t know. If you’re asking me for odds? They’re not great. They’re non-existent if we can’t get him off the street.”
“We?” My heart brightened. I turned and put my hands on his knees. His eyes flicked downward and then settled back to mine. My heart soared with new heat that traveled lower down. “Does that mean you’ll help me?”
He smiled and shook his head. “No. That does not mean I’m making you any promises. I told you, it’s not as simple as you might think. That shit at The Shires might end up causing more trouble than you know. For me as well as your brother.”
I flinched and the blood rushed straight out of me. “God, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make things bad for you, I just thought . . .”
He put a hand up to silence me. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of my end.”
I slid off the chair and went to him. It was a little bit of the wine making me bold, a little bit of the relief that he’d softened toward me and what I needed from him. But it was a whole lot more of something else. I wanted this man. Pure and simple. I wanted to feel like I did when we were eighteen years old. I wanted him to do for me what he did then. For those brief moments, the world sank away, leaving me alight with pleasure.
I slid my hands up the hard muscles of his chest and went up on my tiptoes. I knew what it might make him think of me. I’d already offered to trade sex for his help once. This wasn’t that, though if I was being honest, if he’d made it that, I’m not sure I would have said no.
I curved my fingers around the anvil sharp lines of his jaw and pressed my lips against his. He groaned into my mouth and I felt that same electric heat run through my veins like every other time he’d touched me. My knees went weak and my heart fluttered behind my breast.
Brax’s hands were everywhere. Threaded through my hair, spanning my waist, sliding between my legs. Throbbing wetness grew there and I knew he could feel it through the thin cotton of my panties.
Then Brax circled his fingers around my wrists and pulled my hands away from his face. He held me away from him, his lust-filled eyes searching my face.
“No,” he said.
My heart hammered inside of me. I felt my face flush with desire and a driving pulse thundered through me, settling at the juncture of my thighs.
“No?”
His smile devastated me and made me ache for him all over again. “No. Don’t get me wrong. I want to fuck you. Badly. And often. I also might be the dumbest fuck on the planet for saying this. Seriously, if any of the guys at The Den could overhear this, I’m pretty sure they’d make me hand in my patch or at least check to make sure I still had a nut sack.”
“Lovely.”
“But no. I am going to fuck you. But not like this. Not tonight. Not until I know you’re doing it because you want to and not because you think I expect it as payment for some favor.”
“Brax. I promise that’s not what I think. Er . . . well, maybe a little . . . or at first.”
He shook his head. “You going to stand there and deny that you were willing to go down on me that day in the bar?”
My cheeks flushed hot. But today had been a day for truths. It was no time to get shy now. “No. I won’t deny that. But that wasn’t all of it. The truth is, I’ve never stopped thinking about you. About that night under the bleachers.”
“The night you went slumming?”
I don’t know if he meant it as a joke but it stung. Mostly because there was some truth to it.
“Oh, you want me to tell you all my secrets tonight.”
He shrugged. “Well, we’ve each had a half a bottle of wine. I can probably handle it better than you can, but I’m not driving for a while and I’ve always been curious.”
The wine made me bold at first, now it made me a little drowsy. A powerful yawn tilted my head back and ended in a shiver through my whole body. Brax looked down at me and smiled. “Then maybe I need to call a cab or something. Really, I should probably get back to the parlor.”
He shook his head and tightened his arms around me. “Not happening. Not tonight. I don’t think Hodges would be dumb enough to come looking for you to finish your conversation, but I don’t want you out of my sight until at least morning.”
Heat flared from the center of my body, making my head light and a pulse throb between my legs. At the mere suggestion of spending the night with him, I almost couldn’t breathe. God. I wanted it. So much it scared me a little.
“Come on,” he said, pulling away from me. He took my hand and led me up the curving staircase to a sort of loft above the great room. He stopped at the first door at the top of the stairs and clicked on a light switch.
“Guest bedroom,” he said. “I gotta girl who comes in once a week. She keeps it stocked like a damn hotel. Let’s just say it’s not unusual for me to have people crashing here on the regular.”
An emotion stung through me, making my breath come up short. Jealousy. Of course, I knew I had no cause or claim on Brax. In fact, I’d barged into his life without knowing anything about the way he lived it. God, he could even be married for all I knew.
I turned abruptly and put a hand on his chest. “You know, I’m sorry. I’ve just sort of injected myself into your life and maybe it’s not the best time for you. I mean, if this is going to cause a problem between you and someone else, I . . .”
Brax put a finger on my lips to silence me. His eyes clouded a little and I knew part of that was the wine. Whatever he made it with, I think the stuff was more than twice the proof of what I was used to. “Relax, if I didn’t want you here, there are about a thousand other places I could set you up. I’m not going to stand here and tell you this, uh, situation isn’t more complicated than I’d like, but I’m glad you’re here. Honest.”
I don’t know what made me do it, but I went back up on my tiptoes and planted a chaste kiss on his lips. “Thank you. And goodnight.”
“Right,” he said, clearing his throat. “If you need anything, I’m just across the hall.”
I took a shaky step backward until my back pressed against the wall. The taste of Brax’s lips still lingered on my own. He stood there, his eyes flashing dark as he looked me up and down. I waited, thinking he’d make the first move. But it seemed he’d meant what he said downstairs. He wanted me, but not if I thought he expected it as some sort of payment. He was trying to be honorable. Respectful. Twin thoughts flashed through my mind.
The first? He’s a different man than I thought he was. More complicated. For all his rough edges, he was more of a gentleman than most of the men I’d let close to me.
But the second thought I had warred with the other then won out.
Fuck that.
I cro
ssed the distance between us. Brax got his arms up around my waist just in time as I launched myself at him and crushed my lips to his.
Chapter Nine
I wrapped my legs around Brax’s waist as he lifted me and stumbled backward through the other bedroom door across the hall. My sex throbbed, aching to rub against the rough fabric of his jeans. He was rod stiff beneath them. Every cell in my body cried out for his touch. Fifteen years of pent-up desire and fevered dreams seemed to come to a head in that single moment.
He set me down on the edge of his bed and began working through the layers of clothes that came between us. I let his jacket drop from my shoulders and tore through the buttons of my green trench coat. Beneath that I wore the short little pink dress. Brax smiled, letting out a wicked laugh that sent spears of heat straight through me. I arched my back as he curled his fingers around the lapels of the dress and pulled them apart. The dress peeled in half, held together only by a row of metal snaps down the front. He laid it open, exposing my white bra and matching panties. I kicked off my shoes and threw the remnants of my clothes in a wad on the floor.
My chest heaved and my breath caught as I sat in front of Brax. He took a step backward, wanting to look at me. He got the full view and liked what he saw. Me stretched out on his bed, my skin flushed with desire in nothing but my underwear.
“Your turn,” I gasped. Brax smiled, giving me a sultry smirk as he dropped his hip and worked his belt loop. He slid it out of the loops of his jeans in one zinging snap that made hot blood race through my veins. Then he peeled off his t-shirt. His rippled muscles were branded with snaking lines of ink over his shoulders, across his pecs, and cutting through his chiseled abs. I marveled at the intricate detail and came to him, trailing my fingers along the path they marked. He had a howling wolf outlined in black across one shoulder. I stepped around him, tracing the swirling patterns across his broad back then slid my hands beneath the waistband of his jeans.
