by Jayne Blue
Brax had said nothing to me about any of this. Even after this morning. I’d told him I loved him. I’d made him promise me again that he wouldn’t lie to me. And he’d said nothing.
I plastered on my shield of a smile and nodded as Colt finished talking. I said something, I don’t even remember what. But I was awkward as I cleared my throat and made some excuse to leave their sight. I called Kirsten over to take their order as I worked on finding a way to breathe again.
I don’t know what Kellan and Colt must have thought as I stuttered and backed away from them. Hot rage filled my heart. It hadn’t even been twelve hours. I’d told Brax I loved him and already he’d kept something so important from me.
They can’t help me. They can’t help Doug. Brax had guaranteed me nothing. But he hadn’t told me the truth either and it felt the same as a lie. I knew what it meant. Brax had to know what it meant. If those thugs came back for my brother he’d be on his own. And all last night and this morning, Brax knew it.
My heart broke into a thousand pieces.
Chapter Nineteen
Brax
“Jesus, man, what the hell is wrong with you?”
I sidestepped just in time before crashing into Tate with a tray full of beer glasses. Whenever the girls needed help carrying them out, I was usually the one they asked. I shot him a sideways glance and heaved the tray onto the bar.
I wasn’t supposed to be at The Den today. Colt and I were going to scout out a location for some office space for when we moved forward with the security firm. But he got called away on something else and I needed something to occupy my mind and my hands. It didn’t work though. I just kept looking at the damn clock. Nine couldn’t get here fast enough. But it was six now, and the bar was starting to fill. Tate and the girls didn’t really need me anymore.
“Sorry, man.”
Tate laughed and squeezed my shoulder. “My brother’s got a date tonight, I think. I know that look.”
“What look?” I flinched and faked a punch. I wanted to give him shit, but I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
Tate shook his head and made a clucking noise with his tongue. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this about a girl, Brax. I mean, not even Joleen. And I thought you were going to marry that chick.”
Ah. Joleen. Best hostess we’d ever had at the bar until I fucked it up. She got spooked when some heat came down on the club and split with her son. I couldn’t blame her. And Tate was right, I’d been into her. But with Nicole it was apples and oranges.
“Yeah? Well, this one’s special. That’s all I got to say.”
E.J. and Joker chimed in and lent some off-color jokes that earned them both a headlock. But they couldn’t kill my good mood and they knew it.
“How’d she take the news about the club vote?” Tate asked and everyone grew silent.
I let out a breath. I should have told her last night. I knew that and felt like a shit for it. But I didn’t know she was going to tell me she loved me. Or that I would tell her. I still wasn’t sure I’d processed all of that fully. But I’d talk it out with her tonight. No matter what, we had to make a plan where her fuck-up brother was concerned. I had to keep her safe.
The band took the stage before I could answer Tate’s question and I was kind of glad for the distraction. I turned and watched. Kellan’s girl was our usual headliner, but she was still down in Florida helping the Emerald Coast charter book acts for their Wolf Den.
“Where’d you find these guys?” I shouted over the music to E.J.
He shrugged. “Local group. Thought I’d give them a shot. They’re all right for now, right?”
They were. But they were also nothing special. They played classic rock covers and their lead singer was on key, but wasn’t a draw like our usual band. Kellan’s girl, Mallory, was pure sex on the stage. The girls in the bar liked her guitar player too. These guys sounded okay but they were nothing to look at.
“When’s Mallory coming back from Florida?” I shouted to E.J. in answer to his question.
He shook his head and shrugged. I smiled and gave him a slap on the back. “I’m outta here. You think you ladies can keep things under control tonight?”
Tate flipped me off behind the bar as I ducked under his arm. The driving drum beat in time with my heart as the clock edged closer to nine. I had just enough time to get home and make my girl dinner. Then I planned on holding her close all night.
I made it home just as the rain started. It poured in sheets and I thought about driving out to the ice cream parlor and picking her up. The back roads out to my place flooded a lot and I didn’t want her stuck.
When she didn’t answer my calls, it worried me a little, but we were busy at The Den. It was Friday night. Different crowd entirely, but Ridley’s was probably packed too.
Nine came and went and Nicole didn’t show. Ten minutes to ten and I was pacing like a damn tiger in a cage. Five calls she hadn’t returned. None of my texts either.
“Fuck this,” I yelled at ten thirty. I grabbed my cut and stabbed my arms through it. I had a thousand horrible thoughts about what could have happened to her on the way here. I got halfway out the door when my phone buzzed in my pocket. My heart lifted until I saw the caller ID.
“Hey, Colt,” I said, trying to keep my voice even.
I don’t even know what he said. Something about a promoter coming into town to look at one of the fighters at the gym. All I heard was the wah wah voice from the Charlie Brown cartoons.
“Brax!” Colt shouted into my ear as I grabbed my keys off the hook near the door.
“Colt, look. Sorry, man. My head’s elsewhere. Nicole was supposed to drive out to my place after she shut down her shop. She’s not here yet and the weather’s getting bad. I gotta head out there and see if she’s all right. She’s not taking my calls.”
Colt got quiet on the other end. “Yeah. You know, Kel and I went out there today. Just a couple of hours ago. Hey, you told her about the vote, didn’t you? I mean, well, Kellan kind of mentioned it. I wanted her to know it was nothing personal. She got kind of quiet and I don’t know her well, but it seemed like a surprise.”
My heart flipped. Fuck. I pressed my lips together and slammed my fist into the wall. “I was kind of saving that for tonight. I gotta admit I was hoping maybe I could change your mind before I had to.”
Colt sighed into my ear. “Well, shit. If we fucked things up for you a little bit, I’m sorry. You know, you’re new at this. But you’re not going to win any points with her keeping secrets. I wish things could be different but right now you know why they can’t be.”
“Look, I’d love to have this little heart to heart with you, but right now I just need to go find her. Is there anything urgent you need from me tonight? If there is, you know I’m there, but …”
“No. Man. I get it. And we like this girl. A lot. Go do what you gotta do.”
“Thanks.” I shoved my phone back into my pocket and curled my fist around the front door knob. I swung it open and meant to storm out, but Nicole was right there, standing in front of me, drenched to the bone with cold fury in her eyes. She had her hand curled in a fist ready to knock on the door.
I don’t know what happened when I saw her. Maybe I was more worried about her sliding into a ditch than I thought. Or maybe it was guilt for not being straight with her about the club vote and now I’d get the chance to set that straight. But as pissed as she seemed to be, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. She was here. She was mine. And I just wanted to hold her.
But Nicole would have none of it. The storm raged on behind her as if she’d conjured it herself to match her mood.
“Come inside,” I shouted over a crack of thunder. “You’re gonna freeze to death.”
Shivering, her teeth clattered together as I got an arm around her and brought her into the house. Jesus, she was ice cold.
“S-stuck in the mud. My back wheels.”
I poked my head back out of the front door but didn
’t see her car anywhere. “I’ll take care of it. How far did you walk?”
I got her coat off her. Her clothes were soaked through beneath it and she folded her arms in front of her. This was a real spring storm. The rain came down sideways and the trees lining my property swayed dangerously. Tornado weather. My heart raced, thinking of Nicole walking even two feet in this. She went stiff beneath my hands as I rubbed her shoulders and brought her into the great room. I’d already built a fire and I made her sit on the hearth until color came back into her lips.
“Wait here.” I went into the kitchen and made her a quick cup of tea from the machine and brought it to her. Her fingers still shook as she brought it to her lips and sipped.
“Why haven’t you been answering your phone?” I wanted to kiss her and shake her all at once. “I was starting to get really worried.”
She took a breath and then another sip of tea. Then it looked like she had a hold of herself finally. She set the tea in her lap and squared her gaze at me. “I wasn’t sure if I still wanted to come. Then my battery died.”
I swallowed hard, knowing she was about to give it to me with both barrels. “I heard you had a visit from Colt and Kellan today.”
She set the cup on the hearth and got to her feet. I stayed where I was. The girl looked like she needed to pace.
“I asked you one thing. I asked you not to lie to me. I can’t deal with that, Brax. I swear to God. One thing! And you can’t even go half a day without breaking that promise.”
She was working herself into a white rage. Fuck. I couldn’t help it. She had on a heather-gray University of Michigan t-shirt and it clung to her, damp from the rain. She smoothed her hair back away from her face and tiny droplets of rain sprayed around her.
“Nicole,” I finally said when she stopped to take a breath. “I told you I’d try to see if the club would step in. And I did.”
She whirled on me. “But you knew yesterday when you came to the parlor that they said no. You knew. And you didn’t tell me. You think I don’t get it, but I do. I knew it was a big ask. And I knew it wasn’t going to be your call alone. But you didn’t say a word to me. We spent the night together. We . . .”
She trembled again and I knew this time it wasn’t from the cold. I stood and walked toward her. Nicole slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine and hers glistened with hot tears. Fuck. I seemed to have a knack for making women cry.
“Why didn’t you say anything? Why did you let me say all of those things to you? How could you just stand there after I did it and then walk out this morning?”
My stomach churned. This girl had a way of cutting me to the quick. And I fucking deserved it. She asked me not to lie to her. It was in me to argue with her that I hadn’t. Because I hadn’t. I’d told her straight from the beginning there would be club shit I couldn’t talk about. She knew and she said it was okay. But as Nicole stood before me with fury in her eyes, I decided to honor the promise I made her and I told her the truth.
“Because you said it,” I said, putting my hands on her upper arms. Her skin still felt like ice and I wanted to pull her close to me and warm her with my body. She shuddered at my touch. Pissed as hell, her body still responded to mine.
“What are you talking about?”
“You told me you love me. No one else ever has.”
Her face dropped and her eyes flashed fire. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. She brought her hands up and touched my elbows. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you’re the first. I’ve never heard it before.”
“How? I mean. You’ve had girlfriends. And . . .”
I shook my head. “Yeah. I’ve had girls. But nothing serious like what I have with you. It’s been . . . shit. Until now it’s been too complicated to let anyone in like that. And my home life when I was a kid? Well, I’ve already filled you in. And anyway, maybe you shouldn’t. Maybe loving me is the biggest mistake you’ve ever made and it’s only a matter of time before you figure it out.”
There was more to it. I felt something harden inside me. That same wall of armor I used to get through the shit I’ve had to do. She said she loved me now. But that’s because she hadn’t seen every side of me. She hadn’t seen me with blood on my hands. Fists cut raw from bashing in the face of some Devils Hawks scum or piece-of-shit drug dealer. I might go to hell for the things I’ve done.
And there it was. Maybe the best thing to do would be to let her go now. Because if she ever saw the real darkness, she’d take back those three words.
“Don’t,” she said, stepping into my arms. “Brax. So you’ve never heard them. Well, guess what? I’ve never said them without having my life fall apart.”
It was impossible. Me with someone like Nicole. And yet, she was still standing there. She still tilted her head when I did. She still went up on the balls of her feet to reach me when I leaned down to kiss her.
Nicole stepped back but threaded her fingers through mine. “I can handle it. Do you get that? It’s okay to let me love you, I think. I’m not scared of who you are or anything you’ve done. I’m just scared of getting hurt again. So don’t. Don’t hurt me.”
I smiled. “I’m willing to try if you are. And I’m sorry. I should have said something to you about the club vote last night. I know. But a part of me was and still is kind of hoping I’ll be able to get the guys turned around on that. I’ve . . . I’ve given a lot to that club. That alone might be enough of a reason if I put it that way. Just give me some time.”
She nodded. “I can do that. And if you can’t, then you can’t. My brother’s done a hell of a lot to destroy his own chances at good things. I don’t have to let him destroy mine anymore. I get that.”
“Come here.” I folded her against me. “Let’s not talk about Doug or the club or any of that shit anymore. Let’s just, I don’t know . . . be. I want to watch the storm come in with you.”
She laughed and wrapped her arms around me. “I think I can handle that. And I know it’s ridiculously late, but I’m still starving.”
“Good. I made lasagna.” I kissed the top of her head and we started to walk to the kitchen together. She sat on one of the bar stools while I stepped around her and opened the oven door. Her phone rang as I pulled the pan out and placed it on the stove top.
“Brax?” she said; the alarm in her voice made my blood run cold. I turned to face her, the oven mitts still on my hands. She held the phone to her ear and her eyes were wide with fear. I threw the mitts aside and went to her.
“Baby?”
She set the phone down and covered her mouth with her hand. “The silent alarm went off at the ice cream shop. There’s been a break-in.”
Chapter Twenty
Nicole
I hurt. Air burned my lungs. Each breath hit me with the weight of a sledgehammer. I wanted to shut my eyes against it but I couldn’t. Brax held my hand but even my palms ached as we tried to take even a step. If he hadn’t been there, anchoring me, I might never have gotten through it. He hadn’t wanted me to go inside, but I had to. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to process it or even believe it if I didn’t make myself bear witness.
The front windows were smashed to bits. Shards of glass glistened like diamonds over every inch of the floor and scattered over the table tops. Those that were still upright at least. They’d hacked and slashed every piece of vinyl on every bar stool and booth, the foam stuffing carpeting the floor as if snow could fall indoors. The heavy silver walk-in cooler doors had deep dents in them. Someone had tried to kick them in. Everywhere I looked felt like a violation. A tearing apart of my hard work and my family’s before me.
What man could do this?
Ice cream dripped in rivers all over the counter tops. Not a canister was spared. They’d torn the cash register from the counter. Dollar bills mixed in with the muck of the melting ice cream.
“Why didn’t they take it?” I asked, stupidly, trying to make sense of at least one part of this.<
br />
I sank against what was left of one wall as Brax let go of my hand and trudged through the mess. He’d gone in with his gun drawn. For a brief instant, I had wished whoever did this was still here. I imagined Brax blowing them apart and God help me, it made me glad. But the place was deserted by the time we arrived.
“It’s just as bad up there, I’m afraid.” Colt, Kellan, and three other club members had met us here. Colt came down the stairs from my apartment first, his face grim. He slid his gun into his waistband and jerked his chin toward Brax. He shut his eyes and exhaled, then turned back to me.
He was going to say the words. And I would hear them for the rest of my life. Just like the last time when I came home from that football game.
“He’s gone, Nicole,” Colt said.
“He’s dead, you mean,” I said, my voice sounding like it belonged to someone else. I remembered no one would actually say the words when my mother died. As if not saying them would make it any less hideous.
“No, I mean gone,” Colt answered. “Your apartment is trashed but not from a struggle, I don’t think. It’s just ransacked like down here. There’s no blood. I’ll have Brax take you up there in a second, but I think Doug’s shit is all gone too.”
“Motherfucker,” Brax muttered while I tried to process what Colt was telling me. “Just wait here. You don’t have to go up there.”
Brax charged up the stairs with the speed of a freight train. I don’t know how long it took him, but when he came back down I saw the look that passed between him and the others.
Slowly I got to my feet. “You think Doug did this?”
“Not by himself,” Brax answered. “And I don’t know. But Colt’s right. Doug either split before they got here or during. You said he had a lot of his shit here. It’s all gone, just like Colt said.”
I wanted to make a thousand excuses. In the beginning, that’s what I’d done. Maybe it’s like that for everyone. You want to believe the best of the people you love. You think they could never do anything this awful. This hurtful. But then they do. You’re supposed to tell yourself it’s their addiction, their disease, not the person inside of them. But sometimes it’s impossible to separate.
