On the third day of our self-confinement, the day that Ezra and I both rolled out of bed at different points and made ourselves get ready to face the world, we eventually sat on the black leather couch at different ends, our expressions guarded as we watched each other. Over the three days, this had been building slowly. Some may say it was a stage in the grieving process, but this was new to us as both of us experienced a hurt separate from what we had ever felt before.
First, it came by us scooting farther away from each other in bed. After that, our gazes would never quite meet. Lastly, we stopped talking to one another completely. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Jack and Pearl, both of whom had tried to get us to speak to one another, and, now, they hurriedly exited our bedroom, seeing Ezra and I were ready to discuss our issues.
I wasn’t sure how much discussing was going to happen, but I had to give it a shot. I loved Ezra. He was my best friend. So it had to be done, instead of stuffing our issues under a rug to hopefully be forgotten, as I did with any other lover. Clearing my throat, my gaze strayed from him to the wall over his shoulder. “This wasn’t an issue either of us planned for.”
“No.” His voice was gruff and low, his eyes dropping to his lap. “Not at all.” A pause. “I realize you already know this, but it still needs to be said.” Another pause. “I don’t blame you, Lily.” My breath caught as I scented his truth. And, yes, I had already known this, but it helped my soul hearing him say it. “Before, you had told me the surgeon was under a spell. Neither of us thought of the consequences to that.”
“Thank you,” I murmured, my gaze dropping to my own lap, trying to blink back tears mixed with relief and condemnation, which were trying to escape. “I appreciate you saying that.”
A minute of silence passed as we tried to collect ourselves.
“Ezra…” I swallowed, not sure of exactly what I wanted to say other than the obvious. “I love you.”
“I know, sweetheart,” he whispered. “I love you, too.” He stood abruptly, beginning to pace in front of the couch. “But, I can’t…” He cleared his throat hard, turning to face me, and waited for my eyes to meet his. “Lily, I do love you, but I can’t handle a sexual relationship with you right now.” His green gaze never wavered. “This was just too…”
“Much,” I whispered, finishing the sentence for him, nodding. “I understand.”
“I’m not saying never again, just not right now. I can’t…” He shook his head. “I can’t handle it.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he glanced away. “This excuse is as old as it is lame, but it’s the truth.” Another clearing of his throat. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I held up a hand, stopping him from saying anything further, while letting my head fall back so I could stare at the ceiling. “I said I understand. I need time away from you, too. I don’t blame you any more than you blame me, but I just need,” my lips pinched, “time.” Our emotions were too raw for us to be as we were before. And really, we had just fallen into one another. Our blinders were up, blocking out any other partner around us, but we hadn’t meant it to happen to the extent we didn’t even realize I was pregnant. After many hours of late-night contemplation these past few days, I realized that there had been signs, such as me eating twice as much food as Ezra and Jack combined, plus — the most obvious sign — my absent period.
Sighing heavily, his voice choked. “It’s hard.”
I understood that, too. “The ‘what-ifs’ are killing me.” They were. Before I had gone into the sparring ring with Elder Merrick, I had felt only slightly queasy, probably no more than a normal pregnant woman would. But, after the fall…
Sitting heavily on the couch, Ezra let his head fall back like mine and stared at the ceiling. “I keep thinking about what they would have looked like.” His tone was void. Monotone. “If they would have been small and beautiful like you. Or brutes like me. What skin tone they would have had — my dark or your light or a mixture. Or their eye color — blue, or green, or maybe a grandparent’s dark color. Whether they would have been boys or girls or one of each.” He sighed, the sound shaky and nothing like his voice. “Did you know twins are even rarer for Mysticals than they are for Commoners? Usually, they’re more powerful than a singleton.”
“No. I didn’t know.” It was a whisper. My breath was as shaky as his. “They would have been beautiful and perfect.”
“I know.” A hard sniff. “I fucking know.” He blurred, his face suddenly over mine and his hand cupping the back of my head. Our gazes held, the knowledge there of our shared loss. Gradually, he set his forehead against mine. “So we’re on a mutual break from each other.”
It wasn’t a question, but I quietly replied, “Yes. I think that’s for the best.” I knew it was.
He nodded slightly, his forehead rubbing against mine. Deliberately moving slowly, he lowered his mouth, giving me plenty of time to pull back if I wished. But I didn’t want to. He and I hadn’t kissed since we had found out I was pregnant. I wanted this last touch before our hiatus.
Lifting my hands, I rested them on his cheeks, cupping his face as our lips brushed softly. It was so delicate and tender, our mouths molding just as perfectly as they always did, that I trembled under him, matching the way his hand began shaking on the back of my head. His fingers tightened for the briefest moment, and his lips pressed harder against mine, before he pulled back. My hands slid down his cheeks, falling to my lap.
He took a few steps backward, peering away from me while rubbing the back of his neck. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t flaunt any of your lovers in front of me.” He cracked his neck. “I’m thinking that might bother me.” He cracked his neck the other way. “I’ll do the same for you.”
My gaze fell to my lap as I twisted my fingers around each other. “I’m not plan—”
“Don’t, Lily,” he cut me off. “We both know the truth of each other.”
Oddly, the silence was heavier than it had been before. But I nodded jerkily. “If I have sex with anyone, I won’t make a display of it.” It was about respect now.
“Thank you,” he stated gruffly. He walked toward the door. “I’ll see you later.”
“Yeah.” I watched him disappear out of our bedroom. The door shut quietly. “Later.”
Chapter Eleven
As I walked to the dining hall — alone — many watched me. It reminded me of the time Ezra and I had made this trek over three weeks ago. That time, they had stared and waited for us to yell at one another, but this time, their gazes held only sympathy — the gossip had made its rounds — as they watched to see if I would break down in front of them. But I didn’t. I was stronger than that now, my three days of sobbing done. I needed to re-enter life in some way — my previous loss of my mate and, before him, my mother, had taught me that the faster I was able to get back into the swing of things, the quicker my life would turn around by force of mundane issues.
After placing on my tray a few items of my favorite foods in the hope I would be able to eat them all, I peered around the lunchtime crowd for a free seat. By habit, my gaze automatically went to where Ezra, Pearl, Jack, and I had been sitting regularly, which also happened to be the table Ezra and I had taken three weeks ago, but it was filled with Shifters I didn’t recognize.
But the large table next to it wasn’t.
All the Kings sat there, along with Antonio and his group. They weren’t staring at me blatantly, but their looks weren’t very covert. Oddly, and for the first time in my life, I actually wanted to sit at their table in the hope they may leave me in peace, compared to another table, which would be full of my subjects who might try to start a conversation. So I made my way through the crowded tables and took one of the remaining empty seats next to Elder Merrick at the end of the table. And again I did something I had never done before. I leaned my forehead against a powerful alpha Shifter’s shoulder, deeply scenting his animal — he had shifted recently — and pulling some strength from him, as many others did to me when t
hey were troubled.
The table was quiet as he rested his arm around my shoulder, holding still so I could take what I needed from him. My body shuddered as I stuffed my face against his neck, scenting him heavily, and I felt a pulse of his power flow into me. A soothing gesture. Voice quiet, I whispered, “Thank you.” He briefly rested his head on top of mine, turning to lay a light kiss on my forehead, before I lifted away, feeling better.
Staring down at my food, the contents of my plate really didn’t appear appetizing, but I stabbed into my macaroni expecting it would go down easier than the small steak or the green beans. I slowly chewed the tiny bite as soft conversation started around the table. I had planned right. They weren’t going to bother me as my soon-to-be subjects might have. It gave me the perfect opportunity to look directly across the table.
At Antonio.
Slowly, his golden gaze lifted from his plate. To most, Antonio probably appeared no different than normal. His hair was perfectly kept, his dark clothing no different to what he normally wore, but to anyone with an experienced eye, the simple facts were there. His hair hung just a bit more over his face to hide his unsmiling mouth and lowered eyes. His muscles under his clothing were strung tight, straining those perfect clothes. And I had figured out something during my self-confinement.
He had known beforehand. He had known I was pregnant. He hadn’t stopped me from sparring with Elder Merrick. He had known I would lose my babies. That was why he had appeared as he had before the match.
I didn’t understand his ‘gift’ completely. Nor did I understand him. But there was one thing I had to know. After holding his gaze, which was empty of any emotion, I whispered, “Why?”
Lips that were already pinched thinned further. The other occupants at the table quieted, their eyes never far from me right now, even though they pretended otherwise. Antonio blinked, and when his gaze met mine again, it held sorrow and guilt and, maybe, hope. “Because I must.”
Truth.
I snorted sarcastically, pissed off, and peered back to my plate. I lifted the knife, twirling it in my fingers and watching golden sparks of light catch on the fairly sharp blade as it rotated faster through my fingers. My gaze flicked to him. “You’re lucky I love you.” My eyes went back to the blade. “Because of that, I didn’t tell him what I know.”
My gaze returned to him while everyone around the table went still. “You would be a few days dead right now if I hadn’t protected your worthless ass.” My anger was red-hot, but I kept it leashed. Barely. I stopped twirling the blade, pointing it at him. “I probably won’t ever understand you, Antonio, but what I do know is that you fucking owe me.”
No one moved around us as Antonio and I held each other’s gaze.
Jerkily, he nodded once, his eyes lowering. “I’m sorry, Lil.”
I snorted, my own gaze falling to my own plate, and stabbed into my macaroni again. “Not fucking good enough.” I shook my head, chomping into my grub. “Not anywhere close.”
“Honey, I’m not sure what the hell this is about, and I realize you’re going through a tragedy right now, but you can’t threaten an Elder,” King Kincaid murmured quietly into the silence. A pause, then, “At least, not in public, anyway.”
My grin was feral as I peeked up at him down the table. “I didn’t.”
King Fergus slowly wiped his mouth with a napkin and set it down carefully. “She’s correct. She stated she saved his worthless ass.”
I stared. The man hardly ever stated something in my defense. Eyebrows puckered, I gave him a nod of appreciation and went back to my meal, everyone else slowly following suit, seeing the fireworks were over.
Halfway through choking down my steak, I scented Ezra. Breathing deeply, I also scented Jack. I kept eating.
To my right, Cahal set his silverware down and pushed his plate away, and asked quietly, “Ms Ruckler, do you happen to know where my son is? I’ve tried to contact him these past few days, and he never returned my phone calls or answered his door.”
I lifted my fork over my shoulder, eyes still on my plate. “He’s in line at the buffet.” I resumed cutting my steak into tiny pieces. No need to explain that I knew exactly where Ezra had been the past few days.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a few heads swing toward where I had pointed. I stilled for only a heartbeat, realizing I had probably given away the fact I was so in tune with Ezra’s body, but I went back to eating before anyone noticed my instant reaction. Ezra had acted only as a worried friend during our time in the medical ward, careful of those around him, but if anyone had looked close enough, they would have seen a father losing his children. It was best to be cautious for a little while, just in case.
Elder Merrick swung his large frame back to rights on his chair as I felt several pairs of eyes on me. “That’s one hell of a nose you have.”
My lips lifted as I glanced at him. “Yours is better.” He was the only one who had seen Ezra’s initial reaction. He knew. And yet, he wasn’t blowing whistles. It was another interesting fact about him.
His own lips lifted in recognition that I knew he was something else where scents were involved. “Possibly.” His head tilted, his arm sliding over the back of my chair. “I could teach you what I know if you would care to put in a few hours alone with me.”
I could smell that Ezra was coming closer. Again, it was when Elder Merrick chose to say a double entendre. Casually knocking his arm off the back of my chair, I turned back to my food. “If your offer’s honest, I’ll take you up on it.” I wanted to know how he did what he did. “For teaching.”
He leaned over, his mouth against the shell of my ear. “Oh, I’ll teach you.”
Ezra was now close enough to have heard that. And my knife miraculously found its way under the table, directly against Elder Merrick’s crotch. He stiffened as I turned my head to stare him in the eyes. Instantly, he backed off. I never thought he was stupid.
Taking my knife back, I primly set it on the table and began eating my sliced meat as Ezra and Jack sat in the remaining chairs at the table. Honestly, I was surprised they had sat at this table. I had done it because I knew no one would really bother me, but Jack and Ezra didn’t have that luxury, which was quickly proven.
King Kincaid leaned forward, eyes on Ezra. “You’ve missed your training and punishment duties these past few mornings. Care to explain why you’ve decided to ignore our rules?” A pause, then, “Again?”
Ezra took a large sip of his coffee before gently placing it on the table. “No, I don’t believe I’d care to explain.” He ignored how every Kings’ gaze but King Venclaire’s flashed in instant frustration and irritation, and he picked up his silverware to scoop up corn. “And I’d prefer another punishment.” He chewed slowly, scooting his corn around until he scooped up another spoonful.
King Nelson bristled. “What you prefer has no bearing on your punishment.”
“Fine.” Ezra shrugged. “I won’t care what you prefer, and just won’t go.”
King Venclaire held up his hands when all the Kings’ mouths opened to argue. “I’ve spoken with the day care and they filled Lily’s and his positions when they didn’t show.” He lowered his hands when their mouths finally shut, even if their eyes were still wide in shocked aggravation. Calmly, King Venclaire stated, “They’ll be helping to prepare food of a morning, instead, for their continued punishment.”
I barely stifled my sigh of relief, feeling extremely grateful this time that my biological dad was insightful, knowing who the father of the twins had been, and intelligent enough to decipher we wouldn’t want to be around children.
All of the Kings’ lips pinched tight, but they didn’t argue. Not here, anyway. I could imagine well enough that it would happen in private, though. Normally, they tried to keep their disagreements as quiet as possible.
“Thank you,” I said quietly to King Venclaire.
His lips lifted in a smile, which showed nothing near happiness. “You’re welcome.”
As everyone began finishing their meal, Ezra glanced down the table. “Dad?”
The table’s occupants paused for a moment — Ezra rarely ever called Cahal anything informal and usually addressed him as ‘Elder Zeller’ in front of others — which Ezra noticed, and he instantly rested back on his chair, appearing relaxed. Aloof. The table’s occupants pretended to ignore his small blunder, unfamiliar with how to handle familial relations…well, acting like familial relations…and resumed finishing their last bites.
Cahal set his own coffee down carefully, his eyes meeting his son’s. “Yes?”
Ezra shrugged one shoulder, sipping his coffee. “I thought we might hit the sparring ring later.”
Cahal absently twirled his empty cup on the table. “If you take it easy on me.” His lips quirked.
Ezra chuckled quietly. “Gonna bring the hurt on?”
“As much as you do.”
“Perfect.”
Placing my silverware down as I was done with my meal, I stood, wishing I had a way to relieve my own pent-up energy. But I really didn’t. Turning from the table, King Kincaid stopped me by asking, “What do you have planned today, Lily?”
“I don’t know,” I murmured, shaking my head. I didn’t have a family to lean on, like Ezra, even if the others at the table were not supposed to know that was what he was doing. Jack and Pearl still had their own issues to work out, and I had monopolized too much of their time as it was. They needed to recover from their own loss in healthier ways than dealing with more loss. I had no one. “I’m not sure.”
Rolling my shoulders, I glanced about, realizing that everyone at the table was watching me. I forced my lips to lift into a semblance of a smile. “But I’ll figure it out.” Moving from the table, I kept my gaze away from Ezra and made my way through the crowd.
I was surprised when King Fergus fell into step beside me. I raised my eyebrows in question as I sidestepped someone pushing their seat back. He shrugged, opening the dining room door for me, and murmured quietly, “I’ve been alone for far too long not to recognize loneliness in someone else.” I paused, blinking in surprise at his candidness, then nodded, moving through the exit when he placed his hand at the small of my back — which also surprised me — ushering me through.
King Cave Page 19
