Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  “I haven’t got anything other than what’s in the house, and some land in the village, it’s all I can offer in exchange, but I promise you that when my husband is free and working we will give it back, down to the very last peseta.”

  Amelia said that she would give him her parents’ house in exchange for those fifty thousand pesetas.

  It was an excessive amount even for Albert James, but he promised he would help them. The next day, with Edurne’s help, the women made contact with a black marketer who gave them a thousand pesetas for a pair of silver candelabra, the venetian crystal, some porcelain figures, and a pair of bronze lamps. Albert James said nothing, but he managed to get in contact with his parents and convince them to deposit a check for fifty thousand pesetas in a bank that he could cash in Spain. It was such a large amount that his father had first refused to lend it to him.

  “I will give it back to you, but I can’t do anything from here and I need this money urgently in order to save a man’s life. Get in touch with a bank, with our embassy, with whoever you want, Dad, but get me that money or I will never forgive you,” James threatened his father.

  A few days later than had been arranged, Amelia turned up at Agapito Gutiérrez’s office with the money. Albert James came with her to the door of the office, afraid that she might be robbed on the way, carrying so much money.

  Agapito had a new secretary, a young woman with dyed red hair and an even more extravagantly cut dress.

  The man himself was wearing the same suit, but a different tie, and a shirt with a pair of solid gold cufflinks.

  “Well, I never thought you’d get the money together! Lots of people come here looking for charity, but I’m a man of business, and if you want something then you have to pay for it.”

  Agapito invited her to sit down next to him on a sofa, and as he spoke he put his hand on her knee. Amelia moved away, uncomfortable.

  “You’re not uptight, are you?”

  “I don’t know what you might mean.”

  “One of those prudes who want what’s coming to them but who pretend they don’t, who pretend to be fine ladies.”

  “I’ve come to bring you the money to get a pardon for my uncle, nothing more.”

  “Oh, so now you’re being all standoffish! And what if I refuse to do anything for your uncle?”

  “What are you doing!”

  In spite of Amelia’s resistance, who kicked and scratched, Agapito Gutiérrez came up close to her and kissed her.

  “Oh, you cat! Don’t pretend you don’t like this as much as I do, you’re on fire.”

  Amelia stood up and stared at him with anger and disgust, but she didn’t dare to leave for fear that Agapito would refuse to get her uncle his pardon.

  The villain stood up and looked her straight in the eyes as he seized her again.

  “Let me go! How dare you! Have you no shame?”

  “No more than you; I asked about you and they said that you were a slut who left your husband and your kid to run off with a Frenchie. So don’t play with me anymore.”

  “Here’s the money,” Amelia said, handing him a thick brown paper envelope that contained the fifty thousand pesetas. ‘Now, do what you promised.”

  “I haven’t promised anything, we’ll see if your uncle gets out, he doesn’t deserve to, for the red that he is.”

  The man took the envelope and went through it, counting every note while Amelia tried not to cry. When he had finished he looked at her coldly and smiled.

  “The price has gone up.”

  “But you said that it was fifty thousand pesetas! We don’t have any more...”

  “Oh, you can pay what I want. You have to do what I ask or your uncle will never leave prison and they’ll shoot him. I’ll make sure they shoot him sooner.”

  Amelia was about to collapse, all she wanted to do was to run out of that little office that smelled of sweat and cheap cologne. But she didn’t, because she knew that if she did then her Uncle Armando would end up in front of the firing squad.

  He realized that he had won.

  “Come here, we’re going to do a couple of things together, you and me...”

  “No, we’re not going to do anything. I’ll leave you the money, and if my uncle gets out of prison, then...”

  “Now you really are a slut! How dare you give me conditions?”

  “I’ll come to see you the day my uncle gets out of prison.”

  “Of course you will! Don’t think that you’ll get away with not paying me.”

  Amelia left the office and walked across the waiting room, where the secretary was polishing her nails and talking on the telephone. The redhead winked conspiratorially at her.

  “What’s happened to you?” Albert James asked her, worried to see her coming out of the building with red cheeks and eyes filled with tears.

  “Nothing, nothing, that man is a scoundrel, even the fifty thousand pesetas are not enough for him, and he hasn’t given any guarantees about my uncle.”

  “I’m going to go upstairs and tell him a thing or two. Let’s see if he’s got the guts to tell me that he’ll keep the fifty thousand pesetas for doing nothing.”

  But she wouldn’t let him. Neither did she tell him what the ruffian’s intentions were. She knew that the die was cast, and that only a miracle could keep her out of that man’s hands.

  The wait was agonizing. Amelia and Albert James would go out first thing in the morning to work, and sometimes they didn’t come home until late afternoon, always with some small item of black market food: a box of cookies, a dozen eggs, a chicken, sugar... Doña Elena carried on running the household as best she could, and I tried to go unnoticed alongside Edurne, whom I followed everywhere. Edurne took me to the hospital a couple of times to visit my grandmother, but she was not getting better, so my stay in Doña Elena’s house stretched on and on.

  Edurne had spoken to Águeda and had convinced her that she should allow Amelia to see Javier from a distance. The woman accepted in spite of the fear that she felt for Santiago, and Amelia promised not to get close to the child. She watched him from a distance, overcoming the desire to run up to him and hug him.

  One fine day, Doña Elena had a phone call from Agapito Gutiérrez. The man said that they were going to sign Armando’s pardon that morning, and that he might be free as early as that afternoon, but that first she had to send Amelia to his office. Doña Elena asked why, but Agapito gave no reasons, all he said was that she should send her niece or the pardon might “get lost.”

  Doña Elena began to cry from happiness. The poor woman was exhausted by all the suffering and uncertainty. To celebrate, she allowed each of us a spoonful of sugar with our malt.

  “I don’t understand what this man can want... He insists that you go to his office alone, that he has something to talk to you about. I don’t want to ask why, maybe he’ll ask for more money...”

  Albert James insisted on accompanying Amelia to the meeting with Agapito Gutiérrez, but she refused to let him come.

  “You’ve got an interview with the British ambassador, and I don’t want you to change it for me.”

  “I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “Don’t worry, the important thing is that my uncle leave prison.”

  Even though he was reluctant, Albert James had no other option than to accept. Amelia was more nervous than her aunt, and he did not want to upset the fragile mental balance that had been hers ever since their return to Spain. The loss of her parents, and of her son, as well as the discovery of a country sunk in poverty and, what was worse, in hatred, had gashed notches in her soul.

  Early in the afternoon, Amelia said goodbye and headed off to Agapito Gutiérrez’s office, and Doña Elena asked Edurne and me to go to the prison with Laura, Jesús, and Antonietta, as it was a visiting day and we might be able to return home with Don Armando if the pardon reached the prison director in time. Before leaving, she called Melita in Burgos to tell her that her father was going to be se
t free.

  What happened that afternoon in Agapito Gutiérrez’s office was something that Amelia told only her cousin Laura, but I had such good hearing and loved Amelia so much that I couldn’t stop myself from listening through the door.

  She didn’t have to wait this time. When the secretary arrived, the same redhead as before, she winked at her and while she took her to her boss’s office, whispered in her ear:

  “Just shut your eyes and imagine it’s someone else, although the worst bit is the smell, he smells of sweat so badly.”

  Agapito was sitting behind his huge mahogany desk and barely glanced up when she entered. He carried on reading some documents without asking her to sit down. After a few minutes he looked up and stared at her directly.

  “You know why you’re here. Either you pay or your uncle doesn’t get out of prison.”

  “We’ve given you the fifty thousand pesetas.”

  “They’re waiting for me to call to send the pardon across, so...” He shrugged his shoulders.

  “Call them.”

  “No, pay first.”

  “I’ll pay when you call, until I am certain that he’s been pardoned...”

  “You’re in no position to make conditions!”

  “I have nothing, so I have nothing to use; I know what you want and I will pay you, but only after you’ve called.”

  Agapito looked at her scornfully. He lifted the receiver and made a call. He spoke to someone who confirmed that the pardon had been signed and that it would be sent across to the prison.

  When he hung up he remained looking at Amelia, up and down.

  “Get undressed.”

  “It’s not necessary... ,” she muttered.

  “Do what I tell you, you whore!”

  He threw himself on her and hit her until she fell to the floor, then he picked her up and tore away her clothes and bent her over the mahogany table, where he raped her.

  Amelia tried to resist the man’s brutality, but he was like a madman who enjoyed causing her pain. When he had finished he threw her to the floor once again. Amelia curled into a ball, trying to hide her body from the heartless brute.

  “I didn’t like it, I didn’t like those little groans. You’re no good even as a whore, you’re frigid.”

  Amelia got up and got dressed quickly, scared that he would hit her again. He tied his tie and insulted her the while.

  “May I go?” Amelia said, trembling.

  “Yes, get out. I don’t know why I bothered getting your uncle out of prison; the best place for the reds is the graveyard.”

  When Amelia got home, we hadn’t yet got back from the prison. When we did, Laura found Amelia crying in the bath. She told her cousin about what she had suffered, the disgust she felt at this monster’s clammy breath, the blows that had excited him so much, the filthy words he had used; everything that she had suffered was laid open to her cousin, who had no idea how to comfort her.

  Laura made Amelia go to bed. Doña Elena did not understand what had happened, or maybe she did not want to, as Amelia’s face was covered with the marks of the blows she had received. She was nervous and didn’t stop chattering about how tomorrow her husband would be out of prison, which was what they had told her that afternoon. She ordered Laura and Antonietta to help Edurne clean the house, so that everything would be as it was before the war for Don Armando.

  Amelia did not want to come down to supper, and when Albert James appeared and insisted on seeing her, Laura asked him to let her rest until the next day. Doña Elena sent us all to bed to save electricity, and James went to Amelia’s room and rapped softly at the door with his knuckles. I heard him and jumped out of bed, wanting to know if Amelia would tell all that had happened.

  I heard Amelia’s sobs and James’s words of intended consolation. She told what she had done to try to save her uncle and he blamed himself for not going with her and not confronting the pig. He swore that the next day he would go to set things straight with him, but Amelia begged him not to because it would put her family in danger. I didn’t want to hear more after that, I think that he hugged her to comfort her and that this hug was the prelude to their becoming lovers a few days later.

  Don Armando left prison at first light on June 10. Doña Elena waited for him in excitement, and when she had him in front of her they fell into an embrace at the doors of the prison. She was crying, he was barely holding back his tears.

  We were waiting for them at home. Laura was nervous and impatient, Antonietta was happy as always, although those days she seemed a little weaker.

  Laura threw herself into her father’s arms, and he hugged her emotionally. Then came Jesús, then Antonietta, then Amelia, then Albert James, whom he thanked for getting hold of the fifty thousand pesetas.

  “I will be more than a friend to you, because I owe you my life. You didn’t know me and yet you paid for my liberation, I will never know how to thank you. Of course I will pay you back; I will need time but I will pay you back. I hope I will be able to be a lawyer once again, and if not then I will work at whatever it takes to keep my family and pay off my debt.”

  The first days of freedom were euphoric ones. Melita, Doña Elena and Don Armando’s oldest daughter, came from Burgos with her husband Rodrigo Losada and their daughter Isabel to celebrate their father’s release. The family was happy, and little Isabel was the center of everyone’s attention. Only Amelia could not shake herself out of the depression into which she had been sunk since her arrival in Spain.

  Don Armando enjoyed every moment of his new freedom and was pleased to be able to eat once again “like a human being” as he addressed himself to a plate of potatoes cooked with lard, or a bowl of stewed lentils.

  “We ate beans with worms in prison,” he said, with a laugh. “They floated on top of the soup, and I won’t tell you what they taste of, poor little things, it’s better that you don’t know.”

  Albert James had sent Edurne out with money to buy provisions to celebrate Don Armando’s return to life. There wasn’t much, what with the sky-high prices, but it was always possible to find something on the black market.

  At the end of June 1939 Albert James announced that he was returning to Paris.

  “My work here is finished, I have to go back and get writing. Amelia has decided to carry on working, so she’s coming to Paris with me.”

  Doña Elena protested, saying that Madrid was the place for Amelia, with them, but Amelia explained why she was leaving.

  “I can’t do anything here. I work as Albert’s secretary, I earn a good amount of money and I can help you and my sister with the money I get. I want Antonietta to have the medicine she needs to get well again, and I want you to be able to eat something more than just potatoes.”

  “But what about your son?” Doña Elena plucked up the courage to ask.

  “Santiago will never let me get close to him. I deserve it. I will come to see you from time to time and try to get close to Javier, maybe I will be able to see him one day and ask his forgiveness.”

  Don Armando saw that his niece was right. What could Amelia do in Madrid? Laura, who had studied to be a teacher, could not get a job because she was the daughter of a red, and had to be content with a menial assistantship in a school run by nuns, the same school where she had been a pupil, and where the mother superior felt some affection for her and had allowed her to help out. She had to sweep the classrooms, clean them, look after the smallest children at playtime, and run errands, and for all this she only earned a handful of pesetas.

  As for Don Armando, it was made clear to him by the authorities that he could not hope to practice his former profession, at least for now. It was better not to be noticed by the regime. Armando tried to earn money in a dignified way, but it was not easy, and to his humiliation he was forced to accept a job as an articled clerk in a Francoist lawyer’s office, a man who was well set up with the regime and who needed someone whom he could trust and who knew the law and would work a lot for very lit
tle money.

  Amelia signed a document granting her uncle the right to sell her parents’ home, in order to pay off the debt to Albert James and for the family to have a little more money to get by on. At first Don Armando refused to accept this offer, saying that the apartment was Amelia and Antonietta’s inheritance, but the two sisters insisted that he try to find a good buyer, sure that there would be people who were taking advantage of the situation and who would be able to buy an apartment right in the center of the Salamanca district.

  When Albert James and Amelia left, we went to see them off at the North Station. We were all crying, especially Antonietta, whom we had to pull out of her sister’s arms so that Amelia could board the train.

  For those of us who remained, a new life was just beginning; and for Amelia as well.

  Professor Soler finished his tale and got up to stretch his legs. Night had fallen a while back, and Charlotte, his wife, had put her head round the door several times to see if we were still talking.

  “Professor, one question: Why don’t you write Amelia Garayoa’s story yourself?”

  “Because I only know it in scraps and patches; you have to put the puzzle together.”

  I must admit that the more I knew about my great-grandmother the more surprised I became. My opinion had changed since when I had first found out about her and had thought her an uninteresting, badly-brought-up young girl. Amelia now seemed to me a tragic figure, destined to suffer, and to cause suffering.

  “Well, now you have to carry on with your research,” he said, as I had feared.

  As had happened before, he had the next steps in my investigation worked out.

  “They went to Paris from Madrid, but they weren’t there for long. Albert James went to London and decided to take Amelia with him, so that’s where you have to go. I’ve spoken with Doña Laura and she agrees, but you should speak to her as well. I’ll arrange a contact for you in London: Major William Hurley, a retired soldier who is also an archivist.”