Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  He took them back to the house and signed to them not to make any noise and not to leave his room. Piotr went back to the countess’s bedroom, where he stayed until dawn, when she told him to leave and go back to his room. Until that time, Tomasz, Grazyna, Ewa, and Amelia sat on Piotr’s bed, pressed together, without moving, trying to stay awake, even though none of them could avoid their head nodding every now and then.

  Dawn had broken when Piotr came back into his room.

  “You should wait a little longer before leaving. It’s better if it’s daytime, that way the patrols won’t suspect you when they see you.”

  “I have to go as soon as possible, I need to be at the hospital by eight o’clock,” Grazyna said.

  “Alright, you can go first; Amelia can go with you. If they stop her she wouldn’t be able to explain why she was out so early.”

  As if it were a ritual to which they were all accustomed, Tomasz, Grazyna, and Ewa sat down on the floor. Amelia imitated them. Piotr lay down on the narrow bed and fell asleep straight away. They sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts. The first noises of the day were soon heard, and Piotr woke up with a start. He calmed down when he saw his friends on the floor in the same postures they had been in when he had closed his eyes. He got up and went out into the corridor without saying a word. He didn’t see anyone, so he came back into his room and made a sign to Grazyna, who came out quickly, with Amelia following her. A few minutes later, Tomasz and Ewa left too.

  Although she was very tired, Amelia enjoyed the clean morning air. The sun seemed to be peeking through some high clouds that rolled over Warsaw. Grazyna seemed worried.

  “I’m going to be late,” she said. “Sister Maria will be annoyed.”

  “It’s still only half past seven,” Amelia said, trying to calm her.

  “But it’s a bit of a hike to the hospital. You should go to your hotel, do you know the way?”

  “I’d prefer to come with you to the hospital, I can find my way back from there a little better.”

  “Will you tell your bosses in London what you’ve seen?” Grazyna wanted to know.

  “I’ll get a message prepared and I’ll bring it to you later,” Amelia promised.

  “It’s not that they don’t know what’s happening in the ghetto, but I think that the only aim of British policy is to win the war, and they think that the Jewish problem will be resolved as soon as that happens.”

  “Isn’t that a logical position to take?”

  “No, it isn’t, the situation of the Jews is worse than the war itself. That’s what I want you to explain to them.”

  “I will. Is there anything else I could do?”

  “That will be enough. Well, I suppose you’ll carry on spying on your Nazi.”

  “I have told you that he has been sent to the front. I don’t know when he’ll be back, so I don’t have anyone to spy on.”

  “There are other officers in the hotel.”

  “I try to keep away from them. I prefer to be cautious, my situation here in Warsaw is not simple. I am the lover of a medical officer, it’s probably better not to call attention to myself.”

  “Maybe you should take a few more risks. The officers all feel alone, far from home, I’m sure that any number of them would give in to a woman like you. You’re attractive and well-educated, and Spanish, an ally. They won’t mistrust you.”

  “I think that you’ve got the wrong idea about me. It isn’t my job to be Max’s lover, I told you that we met a long time ago and that I feel a great deal of affection for him. I am not a prostitute.”

  “I never said that you were, just that you should take advantage of your current situation. There are some men who talk only in bed.”

  Amelia thought that Grazyna didn’t understand her. She admired the young Polish woman, but she was still being treated disdainfully; even so, she had to trust her.

  They said goodbye at the entrance to the hospital and Amelia hurried back to the hotel. She felt the need to have a bath, her whole body reeked of the sewers.

  She was at the hotel reception collecting her key when she felt a man’s breath on her back. She turned round and found herself face to face with SS Major Ulrich Jürgens.

  “Goodness! Max von Schumann’s lovely mistress! You look terrible, have you slept badly? From the looks of things, you haven’t even slept. It hasn’t taken you long to forget von Schumann.”

  “How dare you!” Amelia wanted to slap this man in the face, this man who dared to look her up and down so impertinently and treat her as if she were a nobody.

  “How dare I what? I don’t know what you mean, have I said anything wrong? Maybe it was not very gentlemanly of me not to hide my surprise at the way you look. How would the baron have behaved in such a situation? Would von Schumann have pretended not to notice? I’m not an aristocrat, tell me, what would he have done in my place?” Jürgens’s jocular tone was still rude.

  “It’s quite clear that you are not an aristocrat, and not even a gentleman,” Amelia said, turning her back on him and heading for the elevator.

  Ulrich Jürgens followed her, intent on offending her.

  “Now that you’re no longer keeping vigil for your lover, you shouldn’t mind having dinner with me this evening. How about seven o’clock?”

  Amelia got into the elevator without replying. When the doors shut she breathed a sigh of relief.

  After a long bath she got into bed. She fell asleep thinking about how to avoid Major Jürgens.

  It was already dusk when she woke up. She had promised Grazyna that she would take her a message to send to London, but she decided that it would be wiser to stay in her room until it was likely that Major Jürgens had stopped waiting for her in the lobby. She didn’t want to give him the chance to cause a scene in public, especially not if she had a coded message in her pocket.

  She took a book and tried to distract herself, but then there came some light knocks at the door.

  “Who is it?” she asked through the door.

  “Have you forgotten that I’m waiting for you?” It was Major Jürgens.

  “Please stop bothering me,” she said, trying to keep her voice from trembling.

  “Don’t play the innocent with me, I know your type. Your airs and graces don’t fool me. You’re nothing but an expensive whore.”

  Amelia had the urge to open the door and slap him, but she didn’t. She was scared of this man.

  “Leave now, or I will complain to your superiors!”

  He laughed and carried on knocking at the door. Amelia kept silent and didn’t reply to Jürgens’s insults, and he grew bored after a while and decided to leave.

  Amelia stayed by the door for a while, hardly daring to move a muscle, scared that the devil would return. Then she pushed an armchair in front of the door and sat down. Knowing that he might return made her unwilling to get into bed. But Jürgens did not come back.

  The next day Amelia went to Grazyna’s house. She went by an indirect route, scared that Major Jürgens might follow her, even though she had not seen him in the hotel.

  Grazyna was tired; she had bags under her eyes and was in a terrible mood.

  “Why didn’t you come yesterday?” she said as soon as she saw Amelia.

  “Because of an SS major with whom I don’t get on all that well.”

  “Right, now she has friends in the SS too!”

  “No, he’s not a friend, he’s a pig. He insults me every time he sees me, although I suppose that the person he really dislikes is Max. He met me on the way into the hotel and started to insult my appearance, as if he’d caught me coming back from an orgy. He invited me to have dinner and made horrible insinuations. He spent a long time knocking at my door. I didn’t sleep at all last night, hoping that he wouldn’t try to force his way into my room. It seemed to make sense not to leave the room.”

  Grazyna nodded, then she took the paper that Amelia took out of her bag.

  “Is this what I have to send to London?�
��

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll try to make sure it goes this evening.”

  “I want to go back to the ghetto,” Amelia said.

  “Why?”

  “Maybe I can be useful, maybe Sarah will be able to think of something.”

  “We mustn’t run unnecessary risks.”

  “I know, Grazyna, I know, but I can help, even if it’s only carrying a sack of rice.”

  4

  Over the next couple of months Amelia went back to the ghetto on various occasions, helping to transport the meager aid that Grazyna’s Resistance group had managed to gather.

  The young Pole carried on stealing medicine from the hospital thanks to Sister Maria’s goodwill. The nun protested but allowed Grazyna to continue.

  Ewa hinted on several occasions that there were students in the group, as well as a couple of young lawyers and teachers, but Amelia never met them. Grazyna was very careful about the group’s security, even though she knew that Amelia was working for the British.

  On her visits to the ghetto, Amelia was witness to bitter arguments between Szymon and his brother Barak, even though their mother tried to insist on keeping the peace between her two children.

  “How can you be so blind! The Judenrat are making you accept what is happening!” Szymon shouted at his brother.

  “How dare you!” Barak seemed about to punch his brother.

  “Because it’s true! You think that it’s alright just to administer the crumbs that we are being offered. I say we need to fight, we need to have weapons!”

  “You don’t know everything, Szymon! We need weapons, of course, but what are we going to do while we’re getting ready? Or do you think we can face the German army as we are?” Barak replied, holding back the anger that his brother’s reproaches provoked in him.

  Sarah told them to be quiet, that they needed to be together in order to face adversity with a united front.

  “But I hate seeing the Judenrat dealing with the Nazis just in order to get a few crumbs of bread!” Szymon protested.

  “Of course, you could do better than them!” Barak said ironically.

  Amelia listened in silence. She was studying Polish in her free time and was beginning to understand a little of what she heard. But it was Grazyna who kept Amelia up to speed with what the two brothers were arguing about, and she agreed more with Szymon. Later she asked Tomasz why they never tried to bring guns into the ghetto along with the food and books and medicine.

  “It’s not easy to find weapons. Where do you think we’re going to find them? Even so, we try. Szymon is very fiery, but he is probably right. But I also agree with Barak and Rafal, that the important thing is to make the situation in the ghetto better. But do you think that the Jews here would have a chance if they had to face the German army? They’d be cut to ribbons in a heartbeat.”

  “But at least they would die trying to do something,” Amelia replied.

  “Death is useless. They kill you and that’s that. It’s not a good idea for people to allow themselves to be killed.” Tomasz insisted.

  “I’m not saying that they should let themselves be killed,” Amelia protested.

  “And what else could possibly happen? Do you think you can get rid of the German army with a couple of pistols? Come on, Amelia, try to be a little realistic! It would be suicide. Of course we must fight, but only when the moment is right. The younger leaders in the ghetto have not given up on fighting, but they need weapons and ammunition to be able to resist for any length of time.”

  Grazyna didn’t take part in the arguments, and so Amelia was surprised when she came round to her house one afternoon to find her and Piotr taking their leave of a man she did not know.

  “I didn’t expect you,” Grazyna said when she saw her.

  “I’m sorry to come unannounced,” Amelia apologized.

  The man left without saying goodbye. Grazyna went back into her apartment, followed by Piotr and Amelia.

  “You shouldn’t turn up unannounced, I’ve got my own life too, don’t you know?”

  “I’m sorry, I’ll come back another time,” Amelia said, getting ready to leave.

  “Well, now that you’re here... Well, stay. We’re waiting for Tomasz and Ewa to go to the ghetto.”

  “I’m telling you, there are too many patrols and the countess has sent for me tonight,” Piotr said to Grazyna, ignoring Amelia entirely.

  “I know, but do you want me to keep the weapons in my house? It would be crazy. The sooner we get them out of here the better.”

  “Yes, but not today. You know it will be difficult for me to help you. The countess is not a supporter of the Nazis, but she doesn’t want to have any problems with them. And once she’s got me in her room it’s hard for me to escape. She’s even given the maids the night off, and so we’ll be alone.”

  “Well, you’ll just have to think of something, Piotr, but we have to take the weapons in tonight.”

  “What weapons?” Amelia plucked up the courage to ask.

  “We’ve got some pistols and some hunting rifles. It’s not much, but at least it will stop the people in the ghetto from being so defenseless,” Grazyna explained.

  “Weapons? But how did you get them?” Amelia’s surprise was displayed in her voice.

  “We got the rifles from some friends of ours who are hunters, and as for the pistols... Well, it’s better not to say. The less you know about some things, the safer you’ll be,” Grazyna replied, after exchanging warning glances with Piotr.

  “I could help you take them to the ghetto,” Amelia offered.

  “Yes, now that you’re here you might as well be useful.”

  It was barely dark when Ewa and Tomasz arrived at Grazyna’s house. Ewa had a basket of sweets.

  “We’ll take the sweets another day,” Grazyna said. “The weapons are heavy and we can’t take everything.”

  “Oh, let’s try it, the children will be so happy...”

  Piotr led them through the night to the countess’s house. He opened the back door that led to the kitchen and pushed them into his room when he heard a noise from upstairs.

  “Piotr, are you there?”

  It was the countess’s voice.

  “Yes, Madame, I’ll be up directly.”

  “No, don’t worry, I’ll come down. It might be fun to change rooms.”

  Piotr tensed and started to hurry up the stairs. He had to stop the countess from finding his friends.

  “Oh, but Madame, it’s not a good idea if you come down here, my room is in no condition for you.”

  “Come, come, come, don’t be so prudish. Imagine that I’m not the countess, but one of the maids, it will be fun.”

  “No, never,” Piotr said, trying to stop the countess from coming further down the stairs.

  Grazyna shut her eyes, fearing the worst. Ewa and Tomasz hardly dared breathe, and Amelia seemed to be saying her prayers under her breath.

  They breathed with relief when they heard Piotr’s footsteps, and those of the countess, moving away, and spent almost two hours without daring to move a muscle, speaking in whispers. At length Piotr came back. He was sweaty and half-naked.

  “We’ve got five minutes. The countess is insisting on coming down to my room. Hurry up, if I don’t go back soon then she’ll come down and look for me.”

  They went out into the street and Piotr lifted the drain cover and helped them into the city sewers. He had managed to get the cover back on, and then turned back to the house, where he saw the figure of the countess standing in the doorway. She looked at him without saying a word, then turned away and headed back to her room. Piotr followed her upstairs, but she had locked the door and did not reply to his call.

  At the pre-arranged time, four o’clock in the morning, Piotr went back into the alley to lift up the drain cover. Grazyna was the first out, and she immediately noticed that Piotr was worried.

  “What happened?” she asked.

  “I think she saw us.�
�

  “My God! And what did she say?” Grazyna asked.

  “Nothing, she went into her room and locked the door. Maybe she will fire me, I don’t know. We’ll talk later, you should go now.”

  “We can’t go now! The curfew is still in place,” Tomasz said.

  “And what will happen if she comes down to my room? What shall I say? That you’re a group of friends who came through the sewers to visit me? I know that you’re in danger, but you can’t stay here.”

  “We are going to stay here,” Grazyna said, surprising them all by her firmness.

  “No... no, you can’t... ,” Piotr protested.

  “Your countess may turn us in if she finds us here, but it’s a certainty that if they find us breaking the curfew they’ll hang us all. I prefer to risk the countess.”

  Piotr shrugged. He was too upset to stand up to Grazyna, and no one else said anything. It was clear that it was Grazyna who gave the orders.

  At half past seven Grazyna left the house along with Amelia, and a couple of minutes later Tomasz and Ewa departed as well. As soon as they had gone, the countess came to Piotr’s room.

  “Have they gone?” she asked.

  He did not reply, but he went up to her and hugged her as he guided her back to her own room. The maids would be back at eight o’clock, but if the countess wanted to be treated like a maid, then he would be only too happy to oblige.

  Major Jürgens was still bothering Amelia with his shameful insinuations, and she did what she could to avoid him, but from time to time she ran into him at the hotel reception or in the dining room.

  Every now and then she received a letter from Max at the front. They were formal letters, of the kind that one would write to a close friend, but nothing more. Amelia was not surprised that there were no words of love, as she knew that all the letters from the front had to go past the military censor.

  She was not prepared for what happened in mid-November. One afternoon when she was coming back from Grazyna’s house, she came into the hotel and bumped into the last person she would have expected, or wanted, to see.