Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  “I wasn’t expecting anything like that,” I said, just for the sake of saying something.

  “What were you not expecting?” Lady Victoria asked with interest.

  “I don’t know... so much suffering.”

  “You see, your great-grandmother’s life was not an easy one,” Lady Victoria replied.

  “Well, she didn’t try that hard to escape it.” And as soon as I had let this phrase slip I regretted it. Who was I to judge Amelia?

  “It’s very late, and we’ve imposed too much upon the hospitality of our hosts,” Major Hurley said, getting up in order to take his leave.

  “Of course... of course... ,” I replied.

  “You have to get up early tomorrow morning, don’t you, old chap?” Lord Richard asked.

  “I need to be at the Centre for Military Archives at seven on the dot,” Major Hurley replied.

  While Lady Victoria and Lord Richard saw us to the door, I realized that Major Hurley had not given me any idea about what Amelia had done next.

  “I know that it’s asking a lot, but do you know what Amelia did next? Did she go to Madrid? Did she carry on working for you?”

  “I’m not going to talk about that now... ,” Major Hurley complained.

  “Oh, my dear, you have to carry on helping Guillermo! I’m afraid there’s still a lot more to tell,” Lady Victoria said, addressing the major.

  Major William Hurley accepted in theory the idea that we would see each other again in a few days. I did not insist, for fear of annoying him.

  “I have lots of work to do, I can’t spend my whole time looking for references to your great-grandmother in the archives. I think she went back to Spain for quite a long time... ,” he said as he left.

  6

  I decided to go back to Spain the next day. If Amelia had gone back to Spain in July 1942, then I would find my answers from Edurne, or from Professor Soler. I could also ask Doña Laura for her help.

  My mother hung up on me when I called her from Barajas airport.

  “You’re a disaster area, Guillermo, and I’m going to wash my hands of you, call me when you decide to stop behaving like an idiot.”

  I knew that her anger would dissipate by the third phone call.

  My apartment was knee-deep in dust and smelled musty.

  Among the letters waiting for me, I found several from the bank, reminding me that I had a mortgage to pay. I was spending almost the whole of my income on traveling, which meant that I would have to sort things out with my mother as soon as possible, or else really make up to Ruth so that she would give me shelter if they evicted me.

  The day after my arrival I called Doña Laura and asked her if I could speak with Edurne.

  “She gets very tired when she talks to you. Is it really necessary?”

  “Yes, Doña Laura, it is. Well, I’ll talk to Professor Soler first, and see if he can help me not to have to resort to Edurne. If he can, then I won’t trouble her.”

  “How is your research coming along?” she asked me.

  “Very well, but your cousin’s life is really a treasure trove. If you’d like me to tell you what I’ve found out...”

  “I’ve already said that we want a full investigation, that when you know everything you should write it down and bring it to us, but that you don’t have to tell me anything until then. But hurry up, we’re very old and we don’t have much time.”

  “I am trying to find things out as quickly as possible, but things are getting more and more difficult...”

  “Look, Guillermo, call me if you need to speak to Edurne. And while we’re at it, tell me, do you need any more money?”

  I paused. I didn’t dare admit that I did. I thought I could hear a chuckle on the other end of the line.

  “Of course, you don’t live off thin air, and it costs money to be going backwards and forwards all the time. Maybe we didn’t send you enough last time. I’ll tell my niece Amelia to send you money today.”

  “How is your niece? And Doña Melita?”

  “Good, good, we’re all well. Don’t waste any more time, now, get back to work. Remember that we’re all very old...”

  Professor Soler asked me to visit him in Barcelona.

  “I’m writing a book and I haven’t got all that much time to spare, but come along and I’ll see what I can tell you. I think I remember that Amelia turned up out of the blue that summer, in 1942.”

  So there I was at the airport once again, ready to spend the day with the professor and firmly of a mind to go to my mother’s house that evening, when I got back from Barcelona. I knew her very well, and I was sure that however angry she was with me, she wouldn’t shut the door in my face.

  Charlotte, Professor Soler’s wife, told me as soon as she saw me that I shouldn’t take up too much of his time.

  “He’s finishing a very important book and his editor is nervous because he’s already delayed.”

  “I promise I won’t take up too much time, but I cannot carry on with my research without your husband’s help.”

  The professor had a cold and seemed tired, but he was in a good mood.

  “Doña Laura called me last night to ask me to carry on helping you. She’s worried about relying too much on Edurne, who’s in pretty ill health, poor thing.”

  “My investigation into my great-grandmother’s life would be impossible without your help. Major William Hurley from the army’s archives has been very useful as well. If you only knew what he’s been telling me... And there’s more, I’m going back to London in a few days, you can’t imagine what he’s telling me...”

  “I don’t want to know anything, I’ve told you before. On several occasions. It is not my business to know what Amelia Garayoa did or didn’t do.”

  “You’re a historian, and I’m shocked that you don’t have any curiosity about Amelia’s life.”

  “Oh, Guillermo, you’re so stubborn! I’ve told you that even if I do feel curiosity I’m not allowing it to develop. I don’t have any right to get involved in the life of a woman and a family to whom I owe so much. If they had wanted me to investigate Amelia’s life, then I would have, but they haven’t, they’ve asked you, Amelia’s great-grandson.”

  I didn’t insist. I was a little annoyed by the professor’s firmness and sense of honor. In his position, I would not have accepted being ignorant.

  “Can you tell me what happened when Amelia came here in the summer of 1942?”

  “Turn on the recorder.”

  When he saw her arrive dragging a suitcase, the doorman in her house didn’t recognize her.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “To Don Armando Garayoa’s house, don’t you recognize me? I’m Amelia.”

  “Señorita Amelia! How you’ve changed! You look so ill! I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. Give me the suitcase, I’ll take it up for you.”

  With the doorman carrying her luggage, Amelia rang the door to her uncle and aunt’s home. It was Edurne who opened the door. She did recognize her mistress.

  “Amelia!” she cried out and hugged her tight.

  In Edurne’s arms, Amelia felt that she was home at last, and she broke into tears.

  Edurne didn’t want the porter to see more than he should, and so she thanked him and shut the door. Doña Elena and Antonietta had come out into the hallway when they heard Edurne’s cries. The two sisters hugged each other, crying. Amelia was even thinner than Antonietta, she looked as if she might break in half. Or at least that is what Jesús and I thought when we saw her.

  After hugging Antonietta, Amelia did the same to her cousins Laura and Jesús, she even embraced me and her aunt, Doña Elena.

  “And Uncle? Where is my uncle?” she asked impatiently.

  “Papa will be back later from work,” Jesús said. “But he won’t be long.”

  Doña Elena complained about the state Amelia was in.

  “But where have you been! We were so worried about you... You are ill, I can see tha
t. Don’t deny it. You’re so thin, you look so sick with those bags under your eyes...”

  “Come on, Mama, leave her alone!” Laura entreated. “You’re upsetting her. Cousin Amelia is tired and needs to rest, and then we’ll see her back to normal.”

  But Laura knew that Amelia was not simply tired, and that rest would not be enough to get her back to normal.

  “Tell us, tell us where you’ve been... We didn’t hear anything about you and we were worried. Laura called Albert James and he said that you were traveling,” Antonietta said.

  “Have you spoken to Albert?” Amelia asked Laura with a slight tremble in her voice.

  “Yes, but months ago. It wasn’t easy. If it’s difficult to get through to Burgos to speak to Melita, imagine what it must be like reaching London... Albert was very kind, but he didn’t want to say where you were traveling or why, but he said that you were well. He said that you had been in New York... ,” Laura explained.

  “Yes, I was,” Amelia replied.

  “Is Albert no longer with you?” Doña Laura asked, not beating around the bush.

  “He is not,” Amelia whispered.

  “Well, that’s a shame, he was such a nice young man,” her aunt replied.

  “Please, Mama, don’t get involved in Amelia’s affairs!” Laura complained.

  “Don’t worry, I don’t mind,” Amelia said. “I know that she’s only worried about me.”

  For the rest of the afternoon Amelia showed herself eager for news, she asked for all the details of what had happened since her last visit, and could not stop commenting on how well Antonietta looked and how tall Jesús and I had grown.

  “We still don’t know anything about Lola, or his father. His poor grandmother died,” Doña Elena said.

  “I’m sorry that your grandmother died, Pablo,” Amelia said to me.

  “But he is not alone, Pablo is a member of the family, we wouldn’t be able to cope without him; and Jesús and he are like brothers,” Laura said.

  “All the women here are very bossy, it’s good to have someone like Pablo here,” Jesús said, laughing.

  Amelia grew sad when she asked after her son Javier, and Laura said that Águeda had carried on allowing them to see him.

  “Every now and then Edurne goes and waits outside the door of Santiago’s house for Águeda to come out with the children and asks her when we can come and see Javier. Your son is beautiful and looks a lot like you, with the same blond hair, and he’s thin like you are as well.”

  “Is he happy?” Amelia asked.

  “Of course he is! You don’t need to worry about that. Your husband... well, Santiago loves the child, and Águeda is very good to him as well. The child loves her too... I know that it hurts you to hear this, but it’s better for him to love her, it means that she treats him well.” Laura tried to calm Amelia’s roiling emotions.

  “I want to go and see him, maybe I could go today...”

  “No, no, not today, you need to rest. Edurne will go tomorrow and ask Águeda, and she’ll tell us if we can see him and when, and we’ll go with you,” Laura said, worried that her cousin would try to go right at that moment.

  “I cannot bear for that woman to decide when I can and cannot see my child!” Amelia exploded.

  “Look, you have to put up with that. Santiago does not want to have anything to do with us, however much your uncle tries. He even spoke to Don Manuel, Santiago’s father. But he’s inflexible: He approves of his son’s decision, he thinks it’s the right thing to have done. They will never forgive you, Amelia,” Doña Elena said, without thinking how much her words would hurt her niece.

  “I will pay for the mistake I have made my whole life, and you know what? Sometimes I think that I haven’t been punished enough, that everything bad that happens to me is well deserved. I was mad to abandon my son!”

  “Amelia, don’t worry, we’ll sort this all out one day,” Antonietta said, but was unable to prevent herself from sobbing.

  It was late when Don Armando came home. He worked extra hours in the office in order to be able to support his family.

  Amelia said nothing, but it was clear from her expression that she thought her uncle had grown old. And Don Armando was worried when he saw his niece’s terrible physical state. He hugged her for a long time, fighting back his tears.

  “You have to promise me that you will never go away again for so long without sending word, we were all very worried. Don’t do this to us, think about how much we suffer for you. Your sister Antonietta suffers from anxiety attacks, hasn’t she told you? And the doctor tells us that it’s because she must be very worried about you. We should go and see Don Eusebio tomorrow so that he can have a look at you, I’m worried by how you look.”

  Amelia re-entered the family routine. Doña Elena was the one who controlled what got done in the family and we all obeyed her, even Don Armando. She had become a second mother to Antonietta and to me.

  It also became a part of the routine for Amelia and Edurne to go and wander near to what had been her home as a married woman, and where her husband still lived with Águeda. Doña Elena kept on saying that she knew from her friends that Santiago maintained the distinction between his children, letting everyone know that Javier was his legitimate son and heir, and that the girl, whom they had called Paloma, was the daughter of his lover.

  Águeda’s reaction to Amelia was strange. Even though she had taken Amelia’s place in Santiago’s bed, she still seemed to think of Amelia as her mistress, even though she knew that Santiago didn’t want to hear anyone mention Amelia’s name. But Águeda’s reaction to Amelia whenever they met was instinctively subordinate; she was worried what Santiago could do to her if he found out that she was letting Amelia see Javier.

  They agreed, via Edurne, that Amelia would not try to approach the child, because Javier was now old enough to tell his father the details of the walks he took with Águeda and his little sister, Paloma.

  It was wrenching for Amelia to see her son at a distance, to follow after him in the Retiro, to see him playing with other children, to see him happy, to see him laughing, to see him call Águeda “Mama.” She was Javier’s shadow for the whole of that summer, and her son never noticed. Every evening when the sun began to set, Águeda would take the children out to stroll in the Retiro. She stopped to talk to other women, almost all of them servants; she never dared talk to the mothers who took their own children out for walks.

  Amelia would sit on a nearby bench and watch Javier playing, she suffered whenever the child fell over and scraped his knee, she looked at him lovingly, enjoying this kind of secret motherhood.

  Don Armando would not allow Antonietta to go out to work. He also wouldn’t hear of me doing so. I offered several times to go out to try to find work, but he insisted that I study, like Jesús. As for Laura, she carried on teaching at the school and took in sewing as well. The nuns had found her this second job. Lots of families needed a seamstress to turn overcoats, or let out trousers, or fix a dress to make it look different. Laura took these jobs and, with Doña Elena’s help, performed them well. Doña Elena was happy to bring what she could to the family finances, even without counting all the work she did around the house. She divided the tasks with Edurne and they would not let Antonietta do anything, except give piano lessons to the children of some of their neighbors, who were moving up in the world. Their father, a Falangist, had been rewarded with a position in the Foreign Ministry, and he put on airs as if he were a nobleman. Before the war he had lived in an attic, with his wife working downstairs as the porter to the building. But now he had decided to turn his daughters into refined young ladies, as if they had grown up in the big house themselves. They lived three blocks away from Don Armando’s house, and they came two days a week for Antonietta to give them piano lessons. Antonietta was pleased with the coins that her labors earned her.

  As for Amelia, it was clear that her health was much affected, and Don Elena and Don Armando both forbade her fr
om looking for work.

  “You can look for work when you are better, but now you should do us all a favor and get well,” her uncle said.

  Amelia suffered to see her uncle reduced to being a clerk in a law firm. They abused him, because it was he who conscientiously prepared the most difficult cases, while the money and the reputation they earned went to other people.

  “But Uncle, why don’t you try to set up your own office?”

  “And who will trust me? Don’t forget that you saved me from being shot. I am grateful for being alive, and I don’t dare ask for anything more than to be able to support this family.”

  “But you’re doing all their work! They’re taking advantage of you!”

  “Nobody will employ a Republican lawyer who was condemned to death. I don’t have any influence, and everyone mistrusts me. Let’s leave things as they are.”

  “You have to accept that your uncle lost the war,” Doña Elena said.

  “We all lost,” Amelia replied.

  “We are all facing the consequences, but it was the reds and the Republicans who lost. Franco isn’t doing too badly, and they seem to respect him abroad,” Doña Elena insisted.

  “Who respects him? Hitler? Mussolini? They’re as bad as he is! The other European countries don’t respect him, and you’ll see what happens when England wins the war,” Amelia replied.

  “I don’t expect any help from anyone, after they abandoned the Republic during the war,” Don Armando complained.

  “And things aren’t too bad here. Yes, there are things that are lacking, but at least there is order and one day things will get better, you’ll see.” Doña Elena was getting accustomed to the new situation.

  “And freedom? What about freedom?”

  “What freedom? Look, Amelia, if you don’t talk about politics here, nothing will happen to you, so it’s best just to keep your mouth shut. We’ve had enough politics in this family, and I just want us to live in peace. The whole of Europe is at war, and we don’t know how it will end, and at least Franco’s been clever enough to keep us out of it.”