Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  Readings, plays, music... Everything allowed us to think that we were offering firm opposition to the authorities of the Democratic Republic. There were obviously police informants in the university, but we were sure that our group was impossible to infiltrate.

  No one was allowed to join without Konrad’s approval, so when he turned up with two young women to the rehearsals of a play we were going to put on, no one mistrusted them.

  “These are Ilse and Magda, two of my best students.”

  As well as the play, we were organizing a day of protest at the university. We were going to ask for more freedoms, and also for the release of a history professor who had been arrested and accused of activities against the Democratic Republic.

  We thought that we would organize a silent march across the university campus, carrying placards with the single word “Liberty” written across them. We wouldn’t shout slogans, we would just march in silence. We thought that a silent demonstration would be much more effective. We were also putting together a pamphlet calling for the professor’s release, which we planned to distribute over the whole area.

  I was taken by Ilse as soon as I saw her. She was like a Valkyrie: blonde, tall, thin, with dark blue eyes... She was a real beauty. Magda was one as well, but different from Ilse. Magda’s hair was black, and her skin was very white, and she had green eyes. She was not as tall as Ilse, nor as thin, but it was impossible not to notice her either.

  The date of the demonstration grew closer and Konrad had organized a meeting in the little print shop where we printed our clandestine material. None of us knew where it was, but the most important thing was that all the ringleaders of the opposition at the university and the intellectual circles that supported the underground movement would be there.

  “I think that Ilse and Magda should come to the meeting. That way they’ll meet the rest of the people. Friedrich, you will go and pick them up,” Konrad said.

  “But I don’t know where the print shop is,” I said.

  “I know, but once you’re with the girls, you’ll go to the park and there you’ll meet the other group. Don’t worry, someone will turn up to show you the way.”

  Ilse and Magda were pleased to accept. They wanted to meet the rest of the group.

  That night I slept badly, and in the morning Amelia noticed the bags under my eyes.

  “Haven’t you slept well?”

  “I suppose I must be worried about my exams.”

  We left the house as we did every morning and walked toward the bus stop, where we said goodbye. When I got to the university I met Ilse, and we spoke about the meeting that afternoon. She was waiting for Magda to be able to go to class, but Magda was late.

  When I left at midday to go home, Ilse came to find me. She was pale and nervous and seemed out of sorts.

  “Something’s happened... I... I don’t know if it’s important, but I’m worried... I’m looking for Konrad but he’s left and I don’t have his home telephone number, or his address, I don’t know what to do...”

  “Calm down and tell me what’s happened.”

  “Magda came late this morning. She said that she had felt a little ill and that she’d stayed in bed a little longer than usual. She didn’t seem ill, but I thought that maybe it was just something that she’d gotten over. But we met a friend who said, ‘Hey Magda, where were you going so fast this morning? I called you but you didn’t say anything... Of course, I go fast when I walk past the Stasi... but it looked like you were actually headed there...’ and then he laughed and so did she, but I know her and I could see that she’d gotten nervous.”

  “How long have you been friends?”

  “I’ve known her since we started at the university, but we’ve only really become friends this year. She’s very intelligent, Konrad’s best student.”

  “And you think...”

  “I don’t know, Friedrich, but I’m scared. There are informants everywhere, we know that we shouldn’t trust anyone... Maybe I’m being unfair to Magda, that’s the most likely thing, but I wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t tell anyone, and as I haven’t found Konrad... I... I should never have got caught up in all this, I don’t know, I don’t think that things are going as badly as Magda says, but even so... Well, I wouldn’t like anything to happen to anyone...”

  “And I need to go and pick you both up at your house this afternoon... ,” I said.

  “Well, Magda said that maybe we would go alone, she said I should come to her house instead.”

  “And how were you going to get there if you don’t know where the print shop is?”

  “She wants you to go to her house as well. I don’t know, Friedrich, I don’t know, but I’m not feeling well... I don’t know what to think...”

  I didn’t know what to think either, and even less what to do. I called Konrad, but they told me that he wasn’t expected at home for lunch. I didn’t dare talk to other comrades and maybe spread unjustified doubts about Magda. I didn’t know if Ilse was paranoid, or if she was envious of Magda, or if her suspicions were based on fact.

  I made a decision that turned out to be the correct one. When I got home, I made a sign to Amelia and shut the kitchen door. My father was drowsy and didn’t pay us any attention. I told her everything that had happened, and I could see how upset she was when she found out that I was involved in clandestine activities at the university.

  “You shouldn’t go to this Magda’s house, it could be a trap.”

  “Or it could be nothing.”

  “Do you have the address?”

  “Yes...”

  “And when should you be there?”

  “Six.”

  “Let’s go earlier.”

  “Let’s? Us?”

  “Yes, you and me.”

  “But...”

  “No buts! You’ll do what I say.”

  I didn’t protest and accepted what Amelia said. We left the house as soon as we’d eaten.

  We walked to where Magda’s house was and Amelia watched it from a distance to see if there was anything strange going on. There were three hours to go before we were meant to be there and she seemed to be prepared to stay there all that time. I was already bored when we saw a car stop close to Magda’s house. I saw her getting out of the car, followed by a man, and they both headed to the house: She seemed worried. The man was not there for very long; he came out after half an hour.

  “Stay here and don’t move,” Amelia ordered.

  “And where are you going?”

  “Look and keep an eye out for anything suspicious, I won’t be long.”

  The time seemed to drag on for an eternity, and my mind had wandered when I heard Amelia’s voice next to me.

  “You weren’t paying attention.”

  I looked at her, but it didn’t seem like her. She wore thick glasses that covered the top half of her face, and a gray cap covering her hair that I had never seen before. I didn’t recognize the coat she was wearing either.

  “But...”

  “Shut up and wait. Don’t move, whatever happens. Give me your word.”

  “But...”

  “Give me your word!”

  “Yes, I give you my word, but I don’t understand... You’re dressed up and... where are you going?”

  “I’m going to Magda’s house.”

  “I’m coming with you.”

  “No, don’t move from here or you’ll put me in danger, and not just me, but you, and your father, and all your friends.”

  I saw her go in through Magda’s door. She didn’t come out until half an hour later.

  “Call your friend Ilse and tell her that you’ve fallen ill, and that she should rest too because she had a bit of a cold this morning. I hope she’ll be clever enough to realize that she shouldn’t go out this afternoon.”

  “It would be better for me to go to her house...”

  “No, don’t go to tell her personally. You will call her and you will tell her that it is best if she stay in bed th
is afternoon and tells everyone else that she is ill. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, but...”

  “Do as I say! I have to find Konrad, the meeting cannot take place.”

  And she disappeared. She got caught up among the crowd. I did as she had said. I got home and called Ilse. I could see how stunned she was when I told her that she had to go to bed until her cold cleared up.

  “But, what about our date?”

  “Do what I tell you and we’ll talk later.”

  I went to my room to stop my father from seeing how nervous I was.

  Amelia came home later than usual, and my father was anxious.

  “What kept you?” he said as soon as he heard the door close.

  “Lots of work, you know how we’re organizing a Peace Conference, and our department is overwhelmed. Garin can’t cope with everything and he asked me to stay and help him.”

  I had come out of my room and I looked at her in astonishment. She was entirely back to normal. The glasses, the woolen cap, the overcoat... It had all disappeared.

  When she went into the kitchen to make the dinner there was a ring at the door. We both jumped, but it was she who opened the door.

  “I hope this isn’t a bad moment... ,” Ivan Vasiliev said, giving us his best smile.

  “Of course not! Come in, Ivan, you’re just in time for dinner.”

  “Thank you, Amelia, if it weren’t for you, then I think I’d have forgotten what a good meal really means. I haven’t had time to get anything today. These kids at the university have been giving the Stasi a lot of trouble,” he said, looking at me straight in the eyes.

  “Oh really? What have they done?” Max asked with interest.

  “The Stasi are extremely upset. Someone has murdered one of their informers and they’re putting everything behind the investigation. Nobody will stop them until they find their culprit.

  “And what’s this got to do with the university?” Max was interested to hear what Ivan Vasiliev had to say.

  “The youngsters were preparing a demonstration... By the way, hadn’t you heard anything about this, Friedrich? No? Anyway, the youngsters were preparing a silent demonstration asking for freedom and for one of the professors who has been arrested to be released. You know, the normal student concerns. The police knew all about it, and were prepared to swoop and round them all up. They’d got hold of a dozen youngsters and nothing more. But apparently the mob had also organized a meeting with all the higher-ups among the university activists, professors included. Anyway, a good occasion to get hold of these people who are filling the heads of our youngsters with rubbish. But the informant must have made some mistake, and ended up dead, and the meeting, strangely enough, didn’t take place. So, I’ve been working all afternoon.”

  “So now you spend your time running after students?” Amelia’s voice was filled with irony.

  “No, my dear, not at my age, but although it is none of my business I would like to know who shot the People’s Army’s informant. It was done with a Western gun, a Walther PPK, small caliber. A woman’s weapon, as the experts say. But a weapon is a weapon, no matter how big it is. What matters is how you use it. The murderer had good aim, got the informer right in the heart. Dead, instantly. I’m telling you it must have been a professional. Which makes us think that these students in revolt and their teachers have good friends in the West, don’t you think?”

  “But anyone could have a gun like that,” she replied.

  “Anyone? What do you think, Friedrich? Did you go to the university this afternoon? I don’t know if you know that there was a roundup... I’m glad that you weren’t arrested.”

  “And why would he have been? My son was here with me, and Friedrich knows that you should never get involved in politics, not ever; he gave me his word and he’s keeping it,” Max interrupted opportunely.

  “But young people are so contrary, and have their own ideas, although I am glad that Friedrich was here, and doesn’t have anything to do with the rabble-rousers.”

  “Anyone could have something to do with them; everyone knows everyone in the university,” Amelia said.

  “Why not let Friedrich talk?” Ivan Vasiliev said.

  I must have been pale. I felt the colonel’s gaze passing over me as if he could read all my thoughts.

  “I... Well, what you just said makes me very nervous. It’s not a good piece of news to know that there’s been a roundup, and that maybe they’ve taken people I know... I... if I can be sincere with you I should say that when one is young one dreams of building a better future, and that cannot be a crime.”

  I don’t know where I got the strength to produce that little speech, but it seemed to impress Ivan Vasiliev.

  “Well, you are a brave lad to come out in defense of your friends like that. You know what? You’re right, when one is young one wants to change the world, but the world has already been changed by the people of my generation. The people now govern and it is the people’s children who go to university; we’re all equal, and we’re building a better world for everyone. The only thing you young people need to do is walk in the same direction.”

  I didn’t say anything, it was hard for me to hold Ivan Vasiliev’s gaze, as well as my father’s.

  “There’s a professor, Konrad, his name is... He has disappeared, and they’re looking for him. Apparently he’s the main agitator. You know him, don’t you, Friedrich?”

  “He’s one of the best-regarded professors at the university.”

  “We know him as well, he’s even come to dinner here a couple of times, but that was several years ago,” Amelia said naturally.

  “And how come you know him, my dear?”

  “When we came back to Berlin a friend introduced us, the Wall wasn’t yet up... and one night he brought him round to dinner. He was very friendly, I didn’t think he was a dangerous revolutionary. But that was more than fifteen years ago.”

  “And who was this friend who introduced you?”

  “Someone who’s sadly dead now. But he lived in West Berlin. Things were different so many years ago, the Berliners weren’t separated by any wall and people went from one sector to another with no problems... How people thought wasn’t so important. Back then the Germans on this side of the border hadn’t all become Communists.”

  “Well, Professor Konrad is now the most sought-after man in Berlin...”

  “They’ll find him, I’m sure they’ll find him,” Amelia said firmly.

  “Well, I’m glad that Friedrich had nothing to do with the troublemakers. But I should go now, an exquisite dinner as always, Amelia, my dear.”

  “Thank you, Ivan.”

  “Look after yourselves, my dear friends, look after yourselves.”

  I couldn’t breathe calmly until Ivan Vasiliev had left. My father seemed disconcerted.

  “How strange! I don’t know, I’ve got the impression that Ivan wanted to tell us something... Friedrich, I hope that you have nothing to do with what’s going on at the university...”

  “Don’t worry, Papa.”

  “And you, Amelia... I don’t understand you. Why did you tell him we knew Konrad? We haven’t seen him for years.”

  “Because he already knows it, and if he doesn’t know it, then he will know it. It’s better for him to see that we’ve got nothing to hide. They must be investigating everyone who knows Konrad, and someone could remember at any moment that we know him too.”

  As I did every night, I helped Amelia put my father to bed, then I offered to help wash the dishes.

  “What happened?” I asked her when we were alone in the kitchen.

  “Nothing, you just have to be careful.”

  “He said that they killed Magda... Although all he said was an informant... It must have been her, I’m sure.”

  “That’s none of our business.”

  “With a little gun, a woman’s gun... That’s what he said.”

  “Neither you nor I know anything about this and I have n
o interest at all in knowing anything about it.”

  “You went to Magda’s house...”

  “No.”

  “But I saw you going into the house disguised and it took time for you to come out...”

  “I was scouting out the house, I wanted to know if someone we hadn’t seen was going to come out. I left because I didn’t see anything suspicious.”

  “You didn’t go up to her apartment?”

  “Of course not, how ridiculous!” she lied to me.

  “And where did you go next?”

  “To look for some friends who might be able to warn Konrad.”

  “You found them.”

  “Apparently so. They’re looking for him and they still haven’t found him.”

  I didn’t sleep at all that night. I didn’t know until a few days later that Konrad was in our basement. And it was years before Amelia told me what really happened that afternoon.

  3

  For a few days neither Amelia nor Max would let me go to the university. However, they suggested, forcefully, that I call my friends to tell them that my father didn’t want me to go. We all knew that the telephones were bugged, so nobody said anything more, they just asked me when I would be coming back.

  One night, when my father was asleep and I had the light in my bedroom turned off, I heard a noise in the kitchen. I got up, thinking that Amelia might have gotten up for a glass of water. I found her opening the trapdoor in the cupboard.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Go back to bed.”

  “Tell me where you’re going,” I insisted.

  “Don’t get involved in this. Go to bed.”

  “Please... trust me.”

  “Alright, come with me.”

  I followed her down into the basement through the trap door. Then we went to the hidey-hole and Amelia shone a little flashlight into it. Konrad was there. Amelia put the little ladder in place and we climbed down. I hugged him with relief.

  “You were here all the time!”

  “Yes, here I am, turning into a mole, I think I’m going to go blind from being so much in the dark.”