Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  “I came to tell you that tomorrow we’re going to try to go over to the other side. Garin will help us. Albert has looked at the plans. If everything is as he says, then we’re about five or six kilometers from the other side, that is, from the exit to a drain in West Berlin. He’ll be waiting for you there.”

  “If anyone sees Garin coming into this house...” Konrad was worried.

  “We work together, it’s not so strange that he could come to have dinner with us. We’ll try to make sure no one sees him come in. There will be people watching. They’ve been watching us for days to see if the Stasi or the police are on our trail. They haven’t seen anything suspicious. Apparently we’re not among their top priorities.”

  “Maybe the fact that you’re a friend of that KGB colonel is helping you.”

  “I don’t know, in any case we’ll try it tomorrow. Now eat what I’ve brought you and try to rest.”

  I was cross when we got back to the kitchen.

  “So, you’ve got Konrad hidden away here and haven’t told me anything.”

  “Friedrich, shush! This isn’t a game. You and your friends have got us into a very big mess here. You know that some of them have been sent to labor camps. Do you think they’ve said nothing? Of course they have, and they’ve named names, including your name. That’s why Ivan Vasiliev came here that night. He has saved you. He thought that your participation wasn’t important, that you were just one more member of the group of rebellious students. But he warned us. No more pranks from you.”

  “They didn’t arrest Ilse either, and she was Magda’s friend.”

  “How could they arrest the niece of a member of the Central Committee? Anyway, Ilse didn’t know anything; she’d only met you the day before when Konrad brought her and Magda to your group meeting.”

  “Her uncle is a member of the Central Committee?”

  “Yes, didn’t you know? You’ve got away with it this time, but you can’t tempt fate again. They think that Ilse got cold feet at the last minute and decided not to go to the meeting. That’s what her uncle says as well. Also, there was nothing against Ilse in Magda’s reports. Magda used her as a bait to get close to Konrad. The Stasi infiltrated Magda into the university, knowing Konrad’s weakness for pretty women, but he wasn’t interested in her, only Ilse, so Magda made friends with Ilse. She tested her out to see what her opinions were, but Ilse didn’t seem too interested in politics, her family’s doing alright, they’re a part of the nomenklatura. But Magda insisted so much that Ilse let herself be convinced to get closer to Konrad. He didn’t mistrust them, Magda was very convincing about her rejection of the values of the regime, so he lowered his guard and committed a great error by inviting them to this meeting at the print shop where the senior figures in the opposition movement at the university and in intellectual circles were to meet.”

  “And how do you know all this?”

  “Via a friend.”

  “Does my father know anything?”

  “Your father knows nothing. Do you want to give him a heart attack? No, don’t say anything to him.”

  “Have they interrogated Ilse?”

  “They’ve given her a warning, nothing else.”

  “Tomorrow I’ll help you to try to find the way out of the sewers.”

  “No, it’s better for you to stay at home. If your father woke up or if someone came...”

  “Why did Magda betray us?”

  “She didn’t betray you, she was doing her job. She was a Stasi agent. She had been trying to infiltrate herself into opposition circles in the university for two years. She wasn’t in any hurry, she wanted to catch all the upper echelon of the organization, and she was about to manage to do so. If Konrad hadn’t been so sloppy... But pretty women like Ilse have always turned his head.”

  I was scared, very scared. Suddenly I realized just how close I had been to the abyss, and I admired Amelia even more for her cold-bloodedness. I had known ever since I was a child that she was special and that she did special things, but now I was aware of just how far she was willing to go, and I was struck by her coldness.

  Amelia carried on behaving as if our life had not left its regular tracks, so my father suspected nothing.

  The next day Garin came for supper. He had not been for a long time.

  I opened the door and he smiled at me.

  “Hello Friedrich, long time no see. You’re quite a man now!”

  My father greeted him and, while Amelia made the dinner, challenged him to a game of chess. It was not Garin’s favorite activity, but he accepted.

  When we finished eating, we spoke for a while about the Peace Congress that Amelia and Garin were organizing at work.

  “Young people will come from all over the world. Poor things! They think they’re working for peace, but they are really puppets of Moscow, as we all are,” Garin said.

  “But they are acting in good faith,” Max defended them.

  “Yes, and they stage demonstrations in their countries for everything that they would never be allowed to demonstrate in favor of here or in the Soviet Union. The agitators and propagandists are masters of their trade: They’ve convinced all these left-wing movements of the intrinsic evil of the bourgeoisie. But they are attaining their objective, which is to control the thought processes of these collectives and drive them toward the ultimate goal, which is a fully Communist society. That’s why they don’t trust intellectuals, that is to say, everyone who thinks for himself and doesn’t toe the Moscow line. The party will not allow artists or writers to decide what the State needs in terms of cultural material. The State needs to decide what is to be done, and how, and when,” Garin explained.

  “It’s a perversion!” I couldn’t stop myself from giving my opinion.

  My father said he was tired and I helped Amelia put him to bed while Garin cleared the table and took the plates to the kitchen.

  “Don’t stay up late, you’ve got class tomorrow,” my father said.

  “Don’t worry, I’m going to study for a bit and then I’ll go to sleep.”

  I shut the bedroom door and followed Amelia to the kitchen, where Garin had made a start on the washing-up.

  “Did you see any of our neighbors when you came in?” I asked Garin.

  “No, and there wasn’t anyone in the street either, no cars, nothing. My people have been watching the house and its surroundings all day, they say that they haven’t seen anything suspicious, so we can be calm.”

  “It would be stupid to be calm,” Amelia said.

  I helped them open the trapdoor down to the cellar and saw them slide down and heard the soft thud as they landed on the mattress we had put down there. They told me later what happened down in the cellar.

  Konrad was drowsing, but he woke up at once and helped them to remove the block of bricks that gave access to the sewers.

  They had flashlights and a rope, and were also carrying pistols just in case. Amelia had a bag with tools slung over her shoulder.

  She led them through the sewers, following the map that Albert James had given to Garin. There were a couple of occasions when they were about to meet patrols, but they managed to hide.

  “This is the point where, according to the map, the sewers run across to the other side,” Amelia said.

  “But the wall is blocked and they’ve put up a grille in the water... I don’t know how we’re going to get past.”

  “If we make a hole in the Wall, the soldiers are going to hear us,” Konrad said.

  “Yes, that’s why I think the best thing to do is for us to cut through the grille and swim through,” said Amelia.

  “Swim, in this filthy water?” Konrad seemed scared.

  “It’s the best option. We’ve brought tools to try to get through the grille,” Amelia said.

  Garin pushed against the wall, trying to see how solid it was.

  “I think that Amelia is right. Help me, I’ll see if I can move the grille.”

  Amelia tied a rope to Garin
’s waist and took some swimming goggles out of the bag.

  “Put these on, you might need them.”

  “Where did you get them from?” Garin asked.

  “They’re Friedrich’s, they’ll fit you.”

  “Is it deep?” Konrad asked.

  “I’m afraid so, at least my feet don’t touch the bottom. I think I’m going to throw up, the smell is unbearable.”

  He put the goggles on and ducked his head under the water. After a minute he came up again.

  “How disgusting! Give me the tools, I’m going to try to cut through the grille, but it’s a narrow gap and I hope we don’t get stuck when we try to swim through.”

  “Do you want me to help you?” Konrad asked.

  “Yes, it will be easier if we try to break through together.”

  They were trying to break through the grille when they heard the voices and the footsteps of a patrol.

  “They’re coming straight here, and there’s nowhere to hide,” Amelia said.

  “Come here!” Garin held out his hand and Amelia didn’t think twice, but jumped straight into the black water.

  “When we hear them getting closer we’ll put our heads under the water,” Garin said.

  “I won’t be able to,” Konrad complained.

  “Either we do that, or they find us and kill us right here. And let me assure you that it won’t be a glorious way to die. We’ll keep our heads up until the last second, then we’ll duck under until they’ve gone,” Garin insisted.

  Without saying a word, Amelia went over to Konrad and tied the rope that was around Garin’s waist to his belt, and then also to her own waist.

  “What are you doing!” There was a hysterical note in Konrad’s voice.

  “It’s better for us to be together; if one of us wants to come up, then the others won’t let him.”

  They stayed still, in silence, with the flashlight turned off, and heard the footsteps getting ever closer. A shaft of light swung toward them and they ducked their heads under the water.

  Garin had the swimming goggles, but neither Amelia nor Konrad had anything to protect their faces.

  They couldn’t last another second under the water. Amelia thought that her head was about to explode, and Konrad was trying to struggle to the surface, but Garin and she held his wrists and wouldn’t let him go up. Suddenly Garin let Konrad go and they all pushed to the surface. Darkness had fallen again, and they trod water in silence for what seemed like an age. They didn’t want to turn the flashlight back on, in case the soldiers were nearby. When they finally did, the three of them were trembling with fear and disgust.

  “We have to try to break through the grille however we can.” Garin put his head back into the water. It took them more than an hour to cut through a couple of bars and make a hole that was big enough to pass through.

  “Who knows what we’ll find on the other side.” Konrad was worried.

  “Whatever it is, we have no option but to carry on. I hope the soldiers don’t realize that there are three bars missing,” Garin answered.

  They swam for a while until they reached an islet. Amelia looked at Albert’s map.

  “Ten meters to the right should be an iron staircase that goes up to the drain cover. I hope we haven’t made a mistake and come up in front of Stasi headquarters,” Amelia joked.

  They walked the last ten meters in silence and found the old iron staircase that led to the surface.

  Garin came up first, followed by Konrad and then Amelia.

  As they had agreed, Garin knocked four times on the drain cover, which began to lift up.

  “Thank God you’re here!” they heard Albert James say.

  Some men were waiting next to two cars parked by the drain cover, and one of them came up with a blanket, which he put over Konrad’s shoulders.

  “We have to get back,” Amelia said, looking at Garin.

  “Was it difficult?” Albert wanted to know.

  “It was disgusting more than anything else,” Garin laughed.

  “Thank you, Amelia.” Albert’s voice was sincere.

  “You don’t need to thank me. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t let anyone fall into the hands of the Stasi.”

  Amelia and Garin gave Konrad a hug and wished him luck.

  “Imagine how the sons of bitches are going to feel when they find out you’re here.” Garin seemed happy just thinking about it.

  “I think that you should be prudent and not announce too soon that Konrad is with you, or else they’ll go crazy and start arresting people,” Amelia suggested.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll be careful and... Well, I’ll come and see you one of these days,” Albert said.

  They shuddered as they saw the manhole cover closing over their heads again, and they began their descent into the darkness of the sewers.

  “You know what, Amelia? I’m surprised that this place doesn’t give you the shivers, I’ve wanted to scream several times,” Garin said.

  “It’s not the first time I’ve been in the sewers... I got to know the Warsaw drainage system very well. Some friends taught me not to be afraid.”

  “You always manage to surprise me. Looking at you... well... No one would say that you were capable of doing what you do.”

  They were lucky and didn’t meet with any patrols, although it took Garin longer than they had expected to fix the bars back across the grille so they didn’t look like they’d been cut. I breathed more easily when I saw them come back up into the kitchen.

  “It’s six in the morning, I thought something had happened to you.”

  “Why don’t you make us coffee while we try to get clean?” Amelia asked.

  I gave Garin a towel and he went into the bathroom, telling us not to make too much noise or we’d wake up Max. I had to go in myself after a while to tell him to hurry up and get out of the shower so that Amelia could come in. She was exhausted.

  “I think it’s going to take years to wash this smell off me. I’ll come out now.”

  While Garin drank a cup of coffee, Amelia went into the shower.

  “The most difficult thing is going to be for you to leave without anyone seeing you,” I said, worried, looking out of the window.

  “If there were anything suspicious outside, I would have been told. My people had orders to be around all night until they saw me come out.”

  He left a little while before Amelia and I did.

  “You’re exhausted, you shouldn’t go to work today.”

  “What excuse could I give them? It’s better to behave normally.”

  The path from the sewers to our basement was too important a route for Albert James not to attempt to use it on further occasions. So it was that not a month had passed since Konrad’s escape when Albert came to see Amelia.

  She left the ministry building and an old man in dark glasses, walking with a cane, bumped into her.

  “I’m sorry... ,” the old man said.

  “Don’t worry... It’s nothing...”

  “Could you help me to cross the road?” the man asked. He appeared to be blind.

  “Of course, which direction are you going?”

  He explained and she offered to walk with him a while until they got to a place where he could walk more safely. They hadn’t crossed the street before his voice turned into that of Albert James.

  “I’m happy to see you.”

  She gave a start and would have let go of his arm, but she managed to control herself.

  “I see that you have become a master of disguise.”

  “Well, you’ve been known to use them yourself.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I want you to come back.”

  “No, I’ve told you, don’t insist.”

  “You helped Konrad.”

  “Konrad is a friend, I had to help him. How is he?”

  “Happy, as you can imagine. He will appear in public in a few days and will be welcomed by our university.”

  “I’
m happy for him.”

  “We need to be able to access the sewers.”

  “It’s very dangerous, they’ll discover that the bars on the grille have been removed, and when they do, they’ll set a trap to catch us, you know that.”

  “It’s a risk we have to take.”

  “But it’s not a risk I want to take.”

  “You could save people’s lives...”

  “Come on Albert, don’t try to make me feel guilty.”

  “Help us, Amelia, we’ll pay you well, double what you are getting now.”

  “No, and don’t insist.”

  “I have to insist.”

  “Don’t, and now I’ve got to go, I think you can find your own way from here,” she said ironically.

  “I need your basement, Amelia.”

  “And Max and Friedrich need me. And I’m not keen on helping your friends in the West, not while they’re working with people who worked with Hitler.”

  But in the end Amelia gave in, not because of Albert James’s insistence, but because of Otto.

  Otto had become a close friend of the assistant to a member of the Central Committee, who said that he no longer shared the goals of the Democratic Republic.

  He was a man with certain privileges, but he could not cope with seeing how some of his friends had ended up in labor camps simply because they had offered dissenting opinions, which had been picked up by the regime’s spies. He was scared and had information, which was a useful combination to allow Otto to convince him to go over to the Federal Republic.

  “He has been working in the Central Committee for several years, he knows all of its ins and outs, and he has strategic information which could be very useful for us,” Otto explained to Amelia.

  “And what does this have to do with me?”

  “Garin told me that you could help him get out of here. Albert is waiting for you to decide what to do.”

  “For God’s sake, Otto, you’re not giving me many options here!”

  “Look, he’s a very special man, he has an artist’s soul in spite of working as a bureaucrat. He is... well, he’s a homosexual, although very few people know it; it’s an inexcusable weakness for a party member. He had a writer friend who disappeared one day. He’s been able to find out that he was sent to a labor camp where they are re-educating him. He’s afraid that not even his job will save him from the Stasi. Help me get him out of East Berlin.”