by Lewis, R. J.
I felt entitled to that apology, which I would much later on admit was utterly ridiculous.
“Come back to the car. When we get home, you can do up a resume and everything. Does that sound okay?”
I heaved a shrug, acting like an insolent child that got her way but didn’t want to show how giddy that made me. I let him lead me back to the car.
The rest of the journey home was in silence with me festering in that unfamiliar anger, and him holding my hand tightly like he was afraid to let go.
Eight
I got what I wanted: a job. It didn’t take me long at all. Lexi recommended me to her boss at the bar she was working as a casual at. She told me he liked young, pretty girls because eye candy was good for business. They had me wearing this annoyingly tight white top with the bar’s name “Bar None” on it, and matching tiny white shorts.
Waitressing was an entirely new territory for me since all I’d done were cashier jobs. However, after I adjusted to being on my feet so much, I got used to the hustle and bustle that came with the job.
Jaxon tried to be happy about my part time job, but I could see he was torn up about it. I felt frequently guilty for hurting his feelings and leading him to believe I’d rather be working instead of being with him. He just needed to realize I had to do it for myself, even though sometimes I couldn’t understand it either.
Individual independence. That’s what this was. Lucinda’s words echoed into my brain, planted like a seed so deep, it took root and spread, becoming my top priority. I remembered the joy I used to get in high school when I got my pay-check every week. It made me smile and want to pat myself ten million times on the back. I didn’t need Jaxon’s dirty money when I could make my own now without the dirty associated with it.
I worked three nights a week, and while they did interrupt what was once our usual routine, I felt like I was still seeing Jaxon enough that I wasn’t going crazy without him. He took what he could get, waiting up for me when I got home from the bar, which was sometimes in the dead of the night. He never pushed for sex, never argued or complained about my job. He simply cradled me in his arms and listened to me talk.
“How was Lexi tonight?” he asked one time when I’d come home and crashed in bed next to him.
“She wasn’t in tonight,” I answered.
He stiffened next to me. “Who dropped you off?”
“Stacey. She lives down the street.”
He sighed. “You know you can ask me to pick you up anytime, right?”
“I know, Jax, but I feel too guilty making you come out when I know you’re dog tired.”
“I’m never too tired for you.” It was the affection in his voice, so genuine with love for me that made me forget about independence sometimes. It reminded me there was an Us, too, and I had to stop with this mad obsession of getting ahead “just in case”.
“I love you, Jaxon,” I softly whispered, turning over so that I was facing him. We were side by side and I could see him clear as day with the moonlight streaming through the window. Sometimes I never paid enough attention to his beauty. He could have any girl he wanted, and yet he was here, in bed with me, dealing with a change in me that would become more and more unpredictable.
“I love you more than I have ever loved anything in this world, Sara,” he whispered back, stroking my cheek with his rough thumb. His hands were calloused and coarse from his job, and feeling the prickly sensation of his skin hit me hard that he was doing all this for me.
He leaned into me and seared my mouth with his full lips, rousing me out of my tired state. I crumbled into his embrace, already breathless over the affect he had on me.
I greedily tore his clothes off and ran my hands up and down his hard chest and solid abdomen. I never grew tired of his body, of him, of this. He reciprocated until we were flesh against flesh.
Although we’d been sexual over a year and a half, there was still something so new about it. We were still learning what we liked, and we took things very slowly. He was attentive to me in such a way, I’d never been left unfulfilled. In the process, I learned all there was to know about pleasing him.
As I brought my hand lower to cup his length, his hand enveloped mine and stopped me from furthering my objective. He broke away from my mouth and wrapped his arm around me instead, bringing me as close as I could to his side.
“We don’t have to make it about that,” he said, sending feather light strokes down my back. “I’m happy just to hold you, Tiny.”
Sometimes you look at someone and the first thing you see isn’t their physical attributes, but their soul. In moments of seclusion and peaceful contentedness, I saw Jaxon’s soul shining brighter than all the stars in the sky. And like a magnet, I drew nearer to his flame, awaiting for him to ignite me and swallow me into his hopeful world where happiness is made possible with kind words and soft gestures.
Like this moment, for instance. He was content to just hold me to him without seeking his own personal pleasure. His contentedness seeped right into me, and I was smiling dazedly up at him, watching my star shine like no other.
“What made you want me?” Because there are so many other women you could have.
“You’re perfection.”
“I’m far from perfect.”
“Because your idea of perfection is unattainable, Tiny. That’s why you can’t comprehend that you are. But you are. To me, at least. You’re everything right in this world, and I knew it back before I even understood it. Back when you were being bullied by that red headed bitch.”
“Jade Smith.” That name was burned into my being, specifically where all the bad things were stored.
“I saw a scared, sad little girl who closed her eyes and wished with everything inside her to be far, far away from her little world.” Jaxon traced a finger around my jawline, eyeing my face benevolently. “I felt something hurt in my chest every time I saw that short haired girl pass the hallway as quiet as a ghost with her eyes on her feet. I just wanted her to stop hurting. I always knew deep inside I wanted you, but couldn’t make the connection because I was a stupid thief who wanted desperately to be the coolest badass around.”
“You achieved all that.”
“And none of it made me anywhere near as happy as this: you, me, here in this bed.”
I kissed his finger when it neared my mouth to trace my lips. Then I brought my hand down again, feeling the hardness of his abdomen before I successfully managed to sear his arousal with my hand. The second I did, he leaned his mouth into me and kissed me fiercely as he moved over top of me.
Jaxon was dynamite in the sack. He was too good, learning my body as if it was a text book. He knew not to go rough on my nipples, and that the slightest suck and light flicker of my sex made me wetter. Kissing was as essential to him as our joining, as if he were re-establishing our bond with the language of our mouths. While he flicked his fingers over the folds of my cleft, he trailed wet kisses down my body, tasting every inch of me.
When I couldn’t take any more, he climbed back over me. Kissing me, he wrapped both hands around my thighs and slid right in, panting hesitantly in my mouth until he was all the way in. He stilled and rested his sweaty forehead against mine. “This never gets old,” he moaned. “I can do this forever with you.”
“I wish you would,” I said against his lips, breathing just as hard as the fullness of him took over my senses.
“You’d get too tired.”
“No way. Well…” Yeah, Jaxon could last for bloody hours. I knew that for a fact because we tried, and I couldn’t keep up with him.
His body shook with quiet laughter as I went crimson at the awful truth. “Shut up, Jaxon.”
He brushed his lips against mine, licked the corners of my mouth, and stared into my eyes with reverent love that hung thick in the air around us. I knew this Jaxon very well. The intimate, loving Jaxon that could tell me he loved me by the way he looked at me. Sometimes he’d be lost in me for ages, gazing as if he’d
seen me for the first time in his life. This was the humble Jaxon that made my heart beat violently against my chest, made my body weak and limp in his arms, had me scorching hot under his penetrating stare. All was perfect in these moments, and nothing existed outside of this bed; it was just us.
He rocked into me, watching me closely as I writhed in pleasure. He thrust into me at an even pace, not too slow, and not too fast. He cried out with me, tightening his grip on my thighs. I felt his hot breaths on my face and the sweat on his chest.
I gasped as the peak hidden behind the corner was fast approaching, and gripped Jaxon tighter around the hips with every thrust, feverishly sucking his lower lip. Oh, fuck! I dug my nails deep into him and cried out as I was hit with that mind numbing tidal wave of pure bliss. He followed with his own release, slamming into me hard before stilling. I felt the pulsing of his erection buried deep inside of me explode, and he shook in his release, clutching me as if I was going to disappear right from under him.
“Perfect,” he reiterated against my neck. “See? You’re perfect, Sara. Fucking perfect.”
“As are you.” I smiled out into the darkness, content with life and this beautiful man.
“No,” he shook his head and looked down at me. Serious gaze and soft eyes, he said, “I don’t deserve you, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make you happy. You have no idea what you’ve done to me. I’m wrapped around your pretty little finger. You’re carrying my heart, babe. It’s in your hand; it’s yours. I don’t want it back either. The love of my life was always there, standing in front of me. You. You’re it for me, Tiny. I’m yours. Always will be.”
“You sure about that?” I teased with a smile, never wanting to admit the bit of seriousness in that question.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
I shrugged. “Maybe you’ll get tired of me, and tired of my body.”
He chuckled. “You have no idea how impossible that is.”
“Why?”
“You’re my ultimate.”
“In what way?”
“Every way.” He was telling me the truth. I was his everything. His ultimate. But my own insecurities got the better of me, and my thoughts twisted daggers into my heart at the reminder of Lucinda. You’re his ultimate today, Sara, but what about tomorrow? He might leave you broken hearted one day, unexpectedly. Don’t depend on him or his words.
*****
I wished I wasn’t so fucked up, that I could go back in time and have avoided Lucinda that day at all costs. I was so happy before our talk. I wasn’t filled with doubt, with the frightening possibility that someone I loved and cherished had the ability to deceive me, abandon me; that never crossed my mind until she said those words. My heart had somehow hardened, fending off potential pain with anger I couldn’t justify.
I scolded myself relentlessly for holding myself back because I could see it was affecting my relationship. I was more reserved and in constant need of reassurance. Yet I couldn’t open up to Jaxon and tell him about my talk with his mother. He would have called her up and given her an earful and I didn’t want to betray her trust. But then I was betraying him too by not being open and honest. Fuck, how did I get myself caught in the middle? They both meant so much to me, and to have them at odds with one another by opening my mouth was the last thing I wanted. They had a great relationship, after all, and I didn’t want to be the reason for any falling-out.
I swallowed it down and plodded through the year. Exams were a bitch because I could hardly concentrate. I was caught up with my own insecurities, and my lack of sleep for having picked up more shifts at the bar was starting to hit me hard. I became a stress-ball, spending as much time at the library whenever I had any free time. I couldn’t afford to lose my scholarship on top of everything else.
I saw Jaxon less and less. It got to the point he would show up at the bar during my shifts, still in his messy work clothes, watching me contentedly while he sipped a few beers with Trevon.
Even filthy, he was irresistible, and every girl in the bar knew it. Of course there were times he would shower before showing up, and when that happened, they literally flocked to him like flies to a bulb, and I had to laugh at the way he brushed each and every one of them off, bluntly telling them he was taken.
Some of these girls were beautiful. Not in the fake sense either, but totally real and beautiful, and incredibly nice. When they’d hear he was taken they didn’t try and pursue, but rather took it like champs, wishing him the best.
Still. I hated it. My mind darkened and I’d wonder if he brushed them off because I was in the same room as him. He used to be such a player, flirting up a storm even if he had no intention of going further. This was before us, but just how did someone change in the blink of an eye? My mind answered. They don’t, Sara. Change doesn’t happen overnight, and Jaxon has always come off as the overnighter change.
Then one night, my worst fears came true during my shift. It was a Friday night, and the bar was packed. I was running like mad, serving drinks, taking orders, chatting with regulars who knew me well.
“Holy shit,” I heard a familiar voice exclaim. “Sara!”
I spun around and came face to chest with a really tall guy. I blinked up at his face and smiled wide. “Doug!”
Doug Mackenzie, holy shit. If it hadn’t been for that unchanging face, I wouldn’t have known who he was. He was huge now, same height: six foot five and rolling in muscle. I snickered to myself, remembering the awkward and lanky boy two years ago, and couldn’t wait to tell Jaxon when I got home.
“How are you?” I asked, noticing Lexi stop dead in her tracks to check him out.
“Great, yeah, just moved to Winthrop two weekends ago.”
“That’s great. What’re doing with yourself lately?”
“Got my fitness training certificate. Officially a training instructor, and best place to do that would be in the city, right?”
I nodded. “Absolutely. A lot of fat people here.”
He laughed. “Yeah, there are. How about you?”
“Yeah, good.”
“Is this your full time job?”
“No, I’m studying at UW. Law. Will be done second year in the next couple months.”
“Holy shit. That’s awesome.” He smiled genuinely at me, his brown eyes twinkling on his tanned face. “You still hanging around Jaxon Barlow? I remember how inseparable you guys used to be.”
“Inseparable? I wouldn’t say that.”
“I would, and so would everyone else. I was crushed when he took you to Prom.”
I snorted. “What a load of shit, you never showed me any interest!”
He gave me a confused look. “Yeah, I did. I was all over you.”
“No way. I waited for you to ask me to Prom and you didn’t. No one did, actually. That’s why Jaxon took me.” I flushed at embarrassingly admitting that no one batted me an eye.
He burst out laughing. “That’s because Jaxon threatened to beat the living shit out of anyone who came within a foot of you with intentions to take you out.”
I froze and stared wide eyed at him as my jaw dropped. “What?”
“Yeah, he did. He was stronger than me. Bet now he isn’t, right? Please tell me he’s turned into some hobo.”
“He’s my boyfriend.” The words came out quiet. I looked away as I tried to come to grips with this revelation. “Look, I gotta get back to work. Are you at a table?”
“Yeah, my boys are waiting in the back over there.” He motioned to a table where three large guys sat, staring at us. When they saw us look their way, they hooted, cheering Doug on. Idiots were making the wrong assumptions.
“I’ll be with you shortly.” I took off before he could respond and found a quiet corner in the kitchen, pretending to refill the straw and napkin containers.
I was angry. No. Livid. How could he? He was damn well aware how much being ignored before Prom had made me feel. What the fuck? This was one of those moments I was glad he wasn’
t here and instead at home with Trevon. There would have been a scene along the lines of me kicking his ass. He lied to me!
I grabbed my cell phone from my purse in the back room and talked myself into writing a snide message. It was childish and I knew I’d regret it later on, but I was so angry at being lied to.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did. As I swiped my finger across the screen, I saw an unread message in my inbox from a private number. When I opened the message, I nearly dropped the phone.
It read: So much for a faithful boyfriend. Jaxon isn’t as he seems, huh? Below the text was a blurry photo of Jaxon. Kissing a girl.
It was a side view, and the girl was tall, thin with red long hair, and her fists bunched in the collar of Jaxon’s shirt. Despite the blurriness, I knew it was him as clear as day. I could easily make out the chin length hair and the clothes he’d bought only a couple months ago – the black rocker shirt and deep blue denim jeans.
Tears fell from my eyes. I was breathing wildly and shaking. My teeth shuddered against one another as I stared in shock at my unfaithful boyfriend. I couldn’t tear my eyes from the image.
“Sara, where you at, bitch? We’re drowning in customers and—” Lexi stopped talking for a moment. Then she came at my side and held my arm. “Why are you crying? What the fuck happened?”
I didn’t have to answer her. She followed my gaze and gasped, tearing the phone from my hands to get a better look. “What the fuck? Is that Jaxon?” When I didn’t respond, her anger mirrored mine. “Do you want me to fuck that boy up, Sara? I’ll do it. I’ll do it now if you want me to!”
“What’s going on? We’re super busy,” said Tracey, coming in to join us. She appeared stressed, her blonde hair not in its usual immaculate condition. “I need you guys. I’m barely getting around as it is.”
“I’ll take over for Sara. Give me two seconds, Trace.” Turning to me, Lexi stroked my back. “If shit goes downhill, you can come and stay with me, alright? Go home and tear that guy a new asshole.”
