“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Kitty asks, taking the stool next to mine at the bar.
I look at the woman who I have given everything to over the years, not asking for a lot in return and wonder where all this easy-going, niceness is coming from.
“No matter what I’ve said or done, you’ve never believed you were enough for me, have you?” I ask, finally for the first time just asking her straight.
“What are you talking about?”
I slide off the stool and stand next to her, our bodies are so close there is no room between us. I wrap my arm around her neck so tight she has no choice but to listen to me and hear every word I say.
“You’re mine, Kit and I’m never letting you go.” The urgency in my voice is apparent and I’m desperate for it to sink into her head.
“Michael, what’s happened?”
“Nothing’s happened yet, but it will. I’ll bide my time then they’re all dead.”
“Who?”
“Micky and Chase, I’m going to kill them myself and I’m going to do it spectacularly,” I say, my admission making her pale, “That’s how much I trust you, babe. You’re the only one who knows and it’s going to stay that way.”
She still doesn’t say anything, only looks up at me with wide, green eyes.
“Are you with me?”
A slow smile cross her face and her eyes now sparkle.
“You know I am,” she says.
I don’t care how long it takes but everyone who got in Rayna’s way to survival will die and it will be at my hand.
PART THREE 1997
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
MARK
The land at the back of the clubhouse hasn’t been used in years. The last time we held a party here was before we became a club. Now, we’re celebrating my little girl’s sixth birthday. Everywhere I look all I see is family. Men from all over coming out of respect to me and my family, my daughter. Flo and Kitty have decorated the place in balloons and banners, there is the biggest pink frosted cake I have ever seen and there is more food than we could ever get through, not that I’m moaning, my baby girl can have whatever she wants.
The table set to the side is stacked with too many presents for one little girl but Alannah looks like she is having loads of fun trying to unwrap her way through them. Since Rayna died the only joy, true joy I experience is from Alannah. Watching her grow from a baby into a little girl and seeing her mom in her each and every day keeps her mom alive to me.
“Are you okay? You don’t look too good, brother.”
I look up to see Oak has joined me at one of the tables I’ve been sitting at for the last couple of hours.
“I’m just watching Lana, she hardly asks after Rayna anymore but she always looks so happy.”
“She doesn’t know any different, it’s not a bad thing.”
“It’s not bad necessarily, but I…forget it.”
There’s no point in dredging up past hopes and what-ifs.
“She’s got all of us around to distract her at this age. Wait till she’s older, she’s gonna miss her momma then, needing all that girlie advice and shit.”
That is what worries me. I won’t be around to help her through it either. It’s not like I’ll have the chance to remarry to give her the mother figure she needs, not that I would remarry. Rayna will always be my wife and no one can or would replace her.
“I’ve been thinking about the future and there’s something I need to tell you.”
Here it is, the moment I’ve been dreading for months.
“Spit it out then,” he chortles.
“Oak, come and dance with me,” Jane screeches, stumbling towards us.
Relief washes over me that I can put this off for a while longer but at the same time, frustration eats at me because this has been a long time coming and I don’t have the time to keep putting it off.
I’ve never been particularly fond of Jane, much preferring Shellie as a match for my oldest friend. He made her his old lady about year ago and while she is a tiny five foot against his huge frame, her personality is larger than him and life.
“In a minute darlin’, I’m talking to Mark,” he tells her.
“Nah, it’s fine,” I say, losing my nerve, “Go dance with your girl.”
“What did you need to tell me?”
“Doesn’t matter, we’ll catch up tomorrow.”
I go back to watching the party and see Lana is now being swung around on Micky’s shoulders. He is brilliant with her, nothing is too much for him when it comes to her, Flo too.
Sometimes I think it is guilt over Rayna. Countless times I have told him to let it go. Rayna’s death was my fault and always will be. It’s Michael who makes him feel this way, he hasn’t said anything for a long time but that doesn’t mean he still isn’t harbouring any ill feelings towards him still. I’ve kept my eye on the two of them over the years and while nothing has happened yet, it doesn’t mean it won’t.
I know my brother well, he had it in his head that Micky was to blame at that time and I would bet my life on it that he still does.
Alannah’s giggling pierces through the haze that seems to descend on me more and more these days and I smile. Closing my eyes I can almost believe Rayna is still here. Her and our daughter are one and the same. The sound of their laughter, the same frown when they don’t want to do something, even their looks, Alannah is the spit of Ray. Alannah takes after her mom completely.
It makes it easier and harder to live without Rayna.
“Okay little one, time for bed so the adults can have their own party,” Kitty says, trying to prize Lana away from Micky.
“I don’t want to go to bed, I want to stay up,” Lana whines.
“How old did you turn today, Alannah Blake?” Kitty asks her, bending down so she is the same height.
“Six.”
Alannah sounds so proud of that fact, like’s she all grown up.
“Oh, so you didn’t turn eighteen?”
“No, I’m too little to be that old,” Lana says, making me laugh.
“In that case, you have to go to bed when you’re told.”
I chuckle at their banter and rise from my chair, trying not to let anyone see the discomfort I am in.
“Come on, baby girl. Daddy will tuck you in.”
I hold out my hand and wait for her to come to me. My heart skips every time she does. So beautiful.
We head into the house and she goes up to wash up and brush her teeth. While she’s busy in the bathroom, I take my pills the doc gave me last week. They said they were going to be stronger and they were right. These pills knock me for six.
I knock them back and head up the stairs.
“You finished in there, Lana?” I yell through the bathroom door.
“Coming.”
She bounces out of the door and skips to her room and up onto her bed.
“Have you had a nice birthday, baby girl?” I ask, tucking her in and dropping to my knees beside her.
“Yep,” she grins.
“Good, okay, time to go to sleep. Who loves you the most in this world?”
This is our bedtime ritual.
“You do daddy.”
“You’re damn right I do, and if I’m not around, who’s next in line?”
“Uncle Michael.”
“Who’s next?”
“Uncle Micky and Auntie Flo.”
“Then who?”
“Uncle Oak.”
“Then who?”
“Then everyone in the Lost Souls.”
“Good girl, now get some sleep.”
I give her a kiss on her forehead and turn on her night light. I’ve installed it into her since the day she was born who she has to turn to if I’m not around and I’m glad I have, she’ll always know who to turn to when she’s in need of help.
Closing her door, I make my way to my room and drop the pretence when I’m in my own private space.
The emotions of my girl’
s birthday always come out in full force because it reminds me who isn’t here to rightfully celebrate with us. Between that and my cancer, I am drained tonight and can’t face going back down to the party.
Tomorrow I have to tell the guys what’s going on, I can’t keep the fact I am dying and I’m not sure if I have more than a month left to breathe.
Shrugging out of my cut and sliding out of my boots, I lay on the bed and remind myself that dying isn’t so bad because I have Rayna waiting on the other side.
MICHAEL
Yet another tip off and yet another night spent scouting out a bar in a shit area of town. It’s now three o’clock in the morning and the only time I can get away unnoticed by the club to get a location on Chase Carson.
I don’t mind biding my time, but this has been going on for too many years now. After the news that the President of the Lost Souls old lady had died that night, Chase had gone to ground. It was like he knew it was his fault and knew I would be coming for him.
I’ve nearly took him out three times but he has always managed to evade me.
Rubbing the back of my neck I try to relieve some of the tension in the top of my shoulders from being cramped up in this truck when I see the last customer come stumbling out the bar. The closed sign swings round and the lights go out.
Another no-go tip off.
The drive back to Willows Peak is quiet and fast. Being the middle of the night I can put my foot down and it takes half the time to get home.
After Alannah’s birthday yesterday and the party ran afterwards I doubt anyone will hear me come in, but I still move as quietly as I can. The less my comings and goings are noticed, the better.
It’s been weird living back in the main house for the last couple of years, it’s easier for Mark for us to be here to help out with Alannah. Although I have noticed that Kit only helps out with her when Flo is busy.
I climb into bed and thankfully Kitty doesn’t wake. I can’t cope with her incessant questioning.
Looking at the clock, I groan loudly when I see I’ve slept till gone lunch time. The house is quiet as I plod down the stairs, but I’m not alone. Mark is sitting at the kitchen table and it looks like he’s waiting for me.
“Morning,” I grunt, reaching for the coffee pot.
“I’ve got something I need you to take a look at, when you have signed each of the documents where they’re crossed give them back to me.”
“What are they?”
“It’s everything I own, when I die, you get everything.”
Huh? What the fuck?
“Sounds a bit morbid for this time of day.”
“It’s important, brother. I need them back as soon as possible,” he says, seriously.
I nod and throw the envelope on the table. Whatever this is about it can wait till I’ve had my coffee.
“Seriously, this is important and I need you in the back room in ten minutes. I’ve called everyone in and you need to be there too, especially you.”
Especially me? Seriously, this cryptic shit is ruining my brain. It’s too fucking early.
After a shower and quickly throwing some jeans on, I pick up the envelope and flick through the papers inside. It’s like Mark said, it’s everything he owns. This land the clubhouse sits on, his assets, his money, everything.
Why is he doing this? He’s only in his early forties for fuck sakes. He seemed serious about needing this so I rummage through the drawer until I find a pen. I sign each document and shove the papers back in the envelope.
Through the open window I can hear Micky calling for everyone to be in the back room, Mark said he’d already done it so why the urgency in him repeating it.
Picking up my smokes I make my way to the backroom and take my seat in the VP chair. Mark is already there and watching the door as everyone pours through. I’ve never seen him so grim. I mean, I saw a dark side to him after Rayna died but this is a different kind of dark.
I look at the man who I’ve known my whole life and I begin to see the changes in him I’ve yet to notice. He has lost weight and his face is drawn and his worry lines are deeper and more defined.
I give him the envelope back and he offers me a weak smile.
When everyone is seated and he has their full attention the words that then come out of his mouth stop my heart, literally stop it and freeze it and smashes into a thousand pieces.
“Five months ago I started getting these pains in my stomach and when I ate I got full real quick. I was tired all the time and not like usual. I went to the docs and after a bunch of tests I was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. At first they thought it could be treated with chemo and that but last week they said it wasn’t working.”
The whole room goes completely silent, you could hear a feather hit the ground. My brother…is dying. Everything is flashing through my mind at a lightning speed, this can’t be happening. It doesn’t happen to me or my brother.
Without him what will happen? Then it hits me, that’s why he wanted me to sign everything he has over to me. He has been sorting this out behind my back for five fucking months. I understand he kept it from everyone else but why keep it from me. He’s always banging on about me being his brother and we’re together forever but that means shit. When it comes to the important shit he still doesn’t trust me with it. Scraping the chair back loudly, I snatch my smokes off the table and stomp out of the room. There are no words for me to say, so it’s better to just leave.
Telling him I’m sorry to hear the news won’t cut it, not by a long shot. It’s better for me to leave.
“Michael, wait,” Mark calls out.
I can’t, I carry on and ignore him.
I hear heavy footsteps approaching me from behind and I swivel round fast to face them.
Mark is chasing me down and in a split decision, I decide to confront him because running off is lonelier where there are no answers.
He pulls me into his arms but I can’t bear to be touched, I feel like I am suffocating. I have a club who I can turn to but it is my brother who will always be the one I go to, but he’s telling me that isn’t going to be the case anymore.
Just like Rayna, he is going to be nothing but a headstone.
“Get off of us, brother.”
“Don’t run, let’s talk about this,” he urges.
“That’s why you got me signing the shit earlier, isn’t it. You need it and you knew you needed it,” I yell at him.
He turns away from my anger and it winds me up further.
“You’re all I have left,” I half say and half whisper.
“You have more than me here, that’s what all this is about,” he yells back, stretching his arms wide around the club.
“Do you think any of this means anything without you? You honestly think I would be happy without you because I’ve got the club?”
I can’t believe his audacity, the fucking nerve of him right now.
“You will be happy in time, brother. Taking over this club is your rightful duty and you will take it and you will succeed.”
I’ve always wanted the gavel but not this way. I don’t know what way I wanted it but now the time has come, it doesn’t feel right.
“You’re my brother,” I cry, not caring that tears are falling down my cheeks.
“Always and forever whether I’m dead or alive,” he vows.
This time I let him hug me and eventually I wrap my arms around him and squeeze him back.
“All I need from you is your word to look after my baby girl.”
“You’ve got it.”
He sits at one of the tables and reluctantly I join him.
“How could I have not noticed?” I ask, ashamed I haven’t.
“Because I didn’t want you to, I had hoped I would get better and no one would be any of the wiser but that isn’t going to happen.”
It occurs to me that I haven’t asked the most obvious question. I don’t want to hear his reply but I need to.
“How long d
o you have?”
He blows out a hard breath and looks away. This can’t be good.
“Weeks.”
Weeks? Fucking weeks? I push away from the table and pace before him.
“You’re leaving me in a matter of weeks?” I yell, not intending to be this loud.
“Not by choice, Michael,” he yells back, “If I had the choice I would live and be here for many more years.”
Screw this, I can’t deal with this. I should have carried on walking when he chased me out here.
“I’m out of here,” I blurt, turning in the direction of my bike.
“Michael, don’t run away from this. Stay.”
“Trust me, Mark. If I stay here I will not be responsible for my actions. Just let me be for a while.”
I make it to my bike before I look back to him still standing watching me leave.
No, it’s better for everyone around me if I leave.
CHAPTER THIRTY
MARK
The bedroom door flies open and the reason I’m trying to hold on for as long as I possibly can comes bounding in and onto the bed.
“Daddy! Daddy!”
“Be careful, Lana. You can’t jump on your dad like that, remember what I told you?” Oak scolds her.
“She’s okay, brother. She can’t make me feel worse than I already do.” I say, keeping her close when her little face falls with guilt.
In fact, my baby girl is the only thing that takes away the pain for the short, few hours I get to spend with her each day after she finishes school before I become too tired and she has to go to bed.
The guys have been supportive, always making sure I’m not alone. It becomes annoying at times but in my weak state their insistence on staying wins.
“Daddy?”
I open my eyes and see her little, round face so much like her mother’s looking agitated.
Biker Born: The Lost Souls MC Series (The Lost Souls Series Book 4) Page 19
