by NJ Flatman
To say our lives had been hard was an understatement. We’d survived what would do most in. I guess in way it’d done that to us. Neither of us had ever been normal. We couldn’t achieve what others might. We were scarred. Damaged. We had demons that nobody would ever understand.
Worst part of it was that we didn’t even have a father to help us through. He was just as selfish and abusive as she had been in his own way. He didn’t hit us. Never called us names. Just excused it when she did. I hated him as much as I’d ever hated her.
The service had been a freak show. People showing up with fake tears. My father speaking of her as if she were ever a loving wife and mother. Crowds approaching each of us with sympathy for our loss. We hadn’t lost anything but the source of our deepest pain. The reason for our tears wasn’t losing our mother. It was never having gotten redemption for the hell she’d created in both of us— the knowledge that we never would.
Aunt Dee had been the only one with any common damn sense. She’d cornered me during the wake to talk. A time when she’d found me alone.
“I know what ya feelin’ boy,” she’d said in her southern accent — the same one Kev tended to use from time to time. I wasn’t sure how he’d picked it up, but my guess would be from her. “It’s okay to feel it. But ya remember to show respect. Not for her. For yourself. Don’t let them look at you boys the way they looked at her. Be the bigger one. Walk away head held high. Save that breakdown shit for behind closed doors. And no matter what ya think of her never forget ya were loved. A lot. Still are.”
I assumed she’d done the same with Kev though I hadn’t asked. That woman had been the only dose of real we’d ever known and even as she watched them bury her sister, she’d cared more about us than herself. If we hadn’t had her growing up, chances are we’d never have survived as long as we had.
I’d done as she asked. I’d been the bigger one. Accepting condolences. Playing the role of grieving son. So had Kevin. We’d held our heads high and been strong. Not even a hateful word had escaped our lips. I think it’d surprised Colby who had went with us for support. She was expecting both of us to fall apart or scream out how horrible she was. Especially me. But we didn’t. Just suffered through it
Hell, we’d been home for hours and still hadn’t. In fact we hadn’t said anything at all until that moment. Colby hadn’t even whined about the fact she was sitting in a nasty apartment. All three of us had simply sat in silence— each lost in our own thoughts.
Mine, of course, went back to Avery. They always did. She was the one little part of me that seemed to make some kinda damn sense. Only now she didn’t. She was all weird and back and forth with her feelings.
I’d felt like I had to go to that damn party. It was Trev. He was settling down. I couldn’t just ignore it. But damn. My mother had been in the hospital and my dumb ass had went to see her. She’d said so much. It’d hurt so bad. I shoulda canceled. I shoulda stayed home. But I’d went.
Seeing Avery had been a surprise. Last I’d known her and Chelsea didn’t talk much anymore. I really didn’t even think they’d invite her. Hell, Colby didn’t even know she was going and she talked to Chelsea a lot. I’d kinda hoped Colby was gonna go so I wouldn’t feel so weird being there. But she’d said that was all a part of her past and it hurt her too much. Besides, she’d reminded me, showing up with me would be social suicide.
So I’d went alone. Stood alone. Watched the woman I love ignore me. Dealt with the pain of my mother’s words. Tried to accept she was dying. All hoping I was showing support for my friend’s engagement by being there. When things had felt like too much, I’d decided to go. Celebrating just wasn’t my thing that day. Any day really. But especially that day.
Then I’d seen her go to the kitchen. It was my chance. That was what I was thinking. If nothing else, she’d be my friend. Right? We were still friends? She didn’t have to love me. Just be a friend.
Avery had been so close. She’d reached out to me. For a brief moment, I’d seen a glimpse of her. My Avery. The woman I’d loved. The one that loved me. She was there— looking at me and caring. Then in a flash she’d disappeared. Quite literally. Avery had slipped away and the new version had taken over. She’d said she was sorry and walked away.
She wasn’t gone long. Maybe half an hour. Some of the girls had gossiped. The way she looked. How she acted. She was different. Poor Avery. Trying so hard to be Colby and failing. Bringing home strangers. She was going off the deep end over her breakup.
I’d heard all of it even if they didn’t mean for me to. I wanted to follow her. I wanted to go and make sure she was okay. I fought myself so that I didn’t. She needed to be alone. That’s what I told myself.
The room had gone silent when she’d walked back out. With the exception of the vacant look on her face, she didn’t appear any different than when she’d left. Most wouldn’t have noticed anything. I only did because I was so in tune with every part of her— including her facial expressions. She smiled. She congratulated her friend. She made a long excuse about a job interview that I damn well knew she didn’t have. She smiled more. She was leaving. But, through it all I could see it. Emptiness. Void. Her body was very much alive, but her eyes showed a soul that was dead. It had scared me. I wasn’t sure I would ever get through to her again.
“Uh uh,” Colby’s voice brought me back to the apartment and present day situation. “I’ll be damned if I tagged along to something so fucking morbid just to come here and have to deal with Spencer’s Pity Party take one thousand. Snap the hell out of that shit, now.”
Once more it struck me how well Colby seemed to be able to read what I didn’t say. How odd that we’d started off hating each other. Funny how things changed. How two people could bond over hurt and end up being actually pretty damn good friends. Not that we claimed it. But we were. I’d never thought it’d be Colby beside me during the shittiest day of my life.
“Yes ma’am,” I shook my head, laughing at the oddity that had become my life.
“I know what’ll help,” Kev winked in my direction, ignoring the angry look I gave him in return. “Can’t blame a guy for tryin’,” he shrugged.
“The last thing Mr. Mopey needs is a fucking drug problem,” Colby lectured. “I have enough to deal with over here.”
“And it’s just so pleasant from my end,” I teased. “Nothing makes a day brighter than your sunny disposition.”
“If I only had a dollar for every time I’d heard that,” she waved her hand, pretending to be embarrassed.
“You’d be able to buy a McChicken,”I finished the sentence for her.
For a second she tried to act offended, but she couldn’t keep a straight face. Truth was we’d all been so caught up in doom and gloom that anything resembling fun or humor was more than welcome. Besides, she knew I was only picking at her. It was the staple of our friendship.
I hadn’t told her about the party— or seeing Avery. I was afraid it’d be too much for her. I knew that not going had hurt her and finding out Avery had gone would make it worse. Of course that also meant I couldn’t share that she’d flickered back to her old self for a moment. That the girl we both loved was still in there somewhere. We just had to find her.
“If it matters,” Kevin started talking to Colby, “I enjoy ya bein’ around.”
“Aww,” she used that tone she reserved for guys that didn’t stand a chance. “That’s so sweet of you.”
“Ya kinda like I dunno,” was Kevin really playing shy? I’d never seen it before. “Make it a lil more cheerful.”
I listened for a moment as Colby reacted to the compliment and the two of them carried on an almost flirty conversation as if all of us weren’t aware that it’d never happen. I couldn’t take hearing much. I wanted them to get along, but I didn’t want them to make things weird like that.
My mind drifted back to Avery. She was lost. I’d seen it at the party— hidden in her empty stare. The woman I loved was in there. When she’d tou
ched me— when I’d seen the pain in her own eyes— I’d seen her. Staring at me. Loving me. Hurting for me. But quick as she’d come she’d left. And then the girl with the blank stare had taken her place.
It seemed that when we were alone Avery would relax a little. She’d loosen up and let me get inside. Then something would remind her and she’d back up, pushing me out. We were never alone long enough to get any further. Not that I’d left. She made me leave. She stopped herself. She was refusing to allow herself to open back up to me. So she made me leave.
It’s like I’d have to kidnap her to have the time to win her over again. She wasn’t going to relent voluntarily. She wasn’t going to allow herself to be around me long enough to cave. Maybe I’d just have to take away her options. Put her in a position to have to be around me. If only I could do that. Of course I couldn’t.
Could I?
Not kidnap her really. Just sort of kidnap her. Maybe take her away somewhere. Like I’d done that one time. Somewhere romantic. Alone. Just the two of us. A place that she’d love enough to not hate me making her go. Could that work?
I knew it was a long shot. What were the chances I’d be able to get her into my car? Even if I did, how far could we possibly go before she refused to go further? I couldn’t really kidnap her and if she didn’t wanna go, that’s what it’d be.
Besides, the loser she tended to spend her time with would never let it happen. He spent more time up her ass than the thong she’d been wearing the night I had her against the wall. No way would I distract him long enough to get her away for a couple hours — let alone an entire night.
“If I were really the bitch people think I am then I’d take advantage of people,” Colby pulled my attention away from the kidnapping plan. “I’d let these guys think they had a chance just so I’d get what I wanted. But I don’t. I think I’m a decent person.”
“Maybe I should introduce ya to my dealers,” Kevin laughed. “See what ya could get from them.”
“Probably anything you wanted,” she giggled. “But I don’t do that stuff.”
She was right. Colby had a way with the men. Most of them anyway. I’d never looked at her like that. But I knew a lot of men that’d tripped over their own feet trying to get near her. There probably weren’t many men in the Chicago area that wouldn’t get lost in just the possibility. They’d do whatever she asked.
That was it. I might actually have a shot at being able to sneak Avery away long enough to get close to her. There just might be a chance that this crazy idea I had would work. I’d just need a little help. I sat back and watched her and Kevin talk about her ability to win over the men. She was gonna hate me for this. She’d do it. She would just hate me later. But, it was a chance I’d have to take.
The plan would require a little more thought. I’d need a way to convince Avery to leave with me. Then a place to take her. Hell, I’d need a lot more kinks worked out. But I had an idea and that was a lot. I just had to convince Colby to work with me.
“Colby,” her eyes turned and looked at me, waiting to hear what I had to say. “You wanna help me with something?”
“Help with what?” skepticism filled her voice.
“I have an idea…a plan,” I confessed only the important part at first. I had to hook her and then I could worry about the details she wouldn’t like.
I watched as the blue color began to sparkle and her face lit up. She was showing excitement for the first time in a while. If she only knew how not excited she was about to be.
“You have a plan?” she asked, eager for the details.
“I do,” Nodding, I dreaded sharing any more information than I had to. “But I can’t do it without you.”
“This is so cool,” she giggled. “I’ve never been a part of a mission before.”
“Just remember that,” I smirked. “Remember that you really want to be a part of this and help me.”
“Why?” Her face froze, reality sinking in. She didn’t know her role and my words concerned her. “What exactly is it that you are wanting me to do?”
“Exactly what you do the best,” I grinned.
“Which is?”
“Don’t worry about it,” I told her, hoping she’d drop any further questions.
“Spencer,” her voice sounded skeptical now. “What are you wanting from me?”
“We will discuss it later,” As much as I knew Colby hated being blown off, I also knew she’d hate the idea more. I had to break it to her gently. “There’s plenty of time to worry about the details.”
“Spencer,” her voice was firm and angry. “Whatever you want, I’m not going to like it. So just fucking tell me so I can get the entire you are an asshole speech out of the way.”
“Do you just spend your time mentally preparing to hate me?”
“What do you want Spencer?”
“I want Avery back,” it was the most honest answer I could give. “Which means I need time with her.”
“That doesn’t seem to be working out for you so far,” she snapped.
“Which is why I need help,” I laughed.
“Spit it out,” she ordered, getting more annoyed by the second.
“I need you to make sure I have time alone with her,” I shrugged. “No big deal.”
“She doesn’t talk to me Spencer,” Colby seemed annoyed by my answer. “How can I make her spend time with you if she doesn’t speak to me?”
“Well,” I began, sounding more like a question. “If I’m going to be alone with her then that means…”
She didn’t give me time to complete the thought or the sentence. Her face turned deep red. She was pissed.
“Oh hell no!” She yelled.
“Colby think about it,” urging her to change her mind seemed to be the only answer.
“There’s nothing to think about,” she snapped again. “I will not!”
“What am I missing?” Kevin interrupted. “You will not what?”
Colby looked at me, her blue eyes cold and hard. She just might not cave on this one. She was pissed at me for even thinking about it.
“Your asshole of a brother wants me to seduce that fool she brought back with her!”
“Seriously?” Kevin began to laugh. “I mean, it would work. I’m sure you could seduce anyone.”
“I will not!”
“That’s kinda low bro!” Kevin agreed.
“Sorry,” thinking quickly I realized I might could save it. “I mean I wasn’t expecting you to go to bed with him. Just occupy him for a while.”
“And why would you think that’d work?”
“Why wouldn’t it work Colby? Hell you’ve got my brother tripping over himself. Of course it’d work on that thing.”
“I am not tripping over myself!” Kevin’s words made all of us laugh. “Okay, maybe a little.” He confessed.
“I will think about it,” she finally relented a little. “But no promises. And if it requires him naked I’m out!”
“Deal,” I agreed, hoping that meant she’d be willing to do it in the end and knowing it wasn’t fair to ask her to.
This could work. I could have an entire night with Avery. I told myself it was to talk and make her see I loved her. The ache inside me disagreed. There was far more to a night with Avery that I needed than just discussing our relationship. And I was going to get it.
~Avery~
“Take me home Spencer,” angry wouldn’t even begin to describe the emotion that I was feeling. It was more than that.
