by Mj Fields
���You are probably right, thirteen is an unlucky number Tessa, and look at all the shit you have put me through,��� he said in anger.
���Okay, so what are you going to throw at me now? My dead baby, dead dog, all the losses we have dealt with, everything that has happened to you in the past five years Lucas? All my fault I get it,��� Tessa shook her head.
���Sure��� that���s a fucking start,��� he yelled.
���Lucas don���t, we���re adults now, don���t do this what will it prove?���
���Is this fun for you?���
���No, you��� none of this has been fun. But finally I feel a little bit of hope, I haven���t even thrown up yet that���s a sign,��� she laughed, ���Look I don���t want to hate each other, that feels like such a waste of five years. Can���t we do this nicely?���
���How the fuck does that happen?���
���We decide it Lucas, I will if you can.���
���Nope, I am not ready and you’re fooling yourself Tessa Ross, you love me, and we would be married right now if…��� he started.
���I didn���t catch you in San Francisco while we were engaged, you had built us a home, we had finished school, and I was happily planning our wedding, knowing you were enough for me forever. Does that ring a bell Lucas? And it was all because I wanted to finish my last day of school or so that���s what you tell yourself. If I can forgive so can you Lucas. If I can stand in front of you and tell you I will always love you just not the way you need or want me to because of all that, I don���t get why you can���t.���
He looked at her and shook his head, ���You���ll be back Tessa.���
Tessa attached the leash to Leia and walked away and didn���t look back.
* * *
Tessa went home and got in the hot tub and relaxed.
Alex came over, ���How are you doing, Tessa?���
���Actually really good,��� Tessa smiled.
���I���m glad,��� he looked over and saw Lucas pull in. ���We have company.���
���Tessa we need to talk��� Lucas stormed over to her.
���We already did Lucas.���
���You going to be okay?��� Alex asked.
���Yes, I���m great,��� Tessa smiled, and Alex walked away.
���You can���t tell me you feel nothing.���
���No, I feel lots of things Lucas,��� she said tried not to laugh.
���Let���s hear it Tessa,��� he looked at her smugly like he used to when they fought.
���You really don���t want to hear it Lucas,��� she looked away.
���Yes I do, or I wouldn���t be here.���
���Okay, I feel good, relieved, and ready to move on.���
���Who are you fucking Tessa?��� he sneered at her.
Tessa laughed, ���Lucas I haven���t had sex in months, and I don���t need to. I am healing, and it actually feels good.���
He looked confused, ���I don���t get it.���
���Okay, I see that, do you remember how you felt when you and I broke up before I got pregnant? When Jenny was on her knees Lucas?���
���Yes it was awful,��� he thought and looked down.
���Okay, but you missed me and would have done anything to get me back right?���
���Yes,��� he looked at her.
���We had two maybe three alright years then, you tried, and you loved me. You made me feel like I mattered and that you wanted only me. You haven���t done that again and I don���t feel like that anymore Lucas. I don���t need you to make me feel like I am worth something anymore. I wish you could see that you���re worth so much, and with or without me you are a good person. And Lucas you have not tried, you���re feelings have changed too.���
���I want you back Tessa. I need you, don���t you leave me and don���t you do this to us,��� Lucas glared at her.
She got out and grabbed a towel, ���I can���t do this Lucas, it hurt���s to see you hurt.���
Tessa started to walk away and Lucas grabbed her.
���Let go, do you need me to be a pile?���
���Whatever it takes to make you come back,��� he looked at her with deep anger in his eyes.
���You���re not doing this right, remember when you told me that?��� she asked. He shook his head, ���Well right now I am telling you, that you���re not winning me back this way. I don���t want you like this, I don���t want you again the other way either. Damn it Lucas if you love me you should want me happy! Not fucking broken!���
He was pissed and panicking, ���I won���t ask again, it���s now or never!���
She looked at him and smiled sadly, ���Goodbye Lucas.���
���Fuck you Tessa,��� he yelled after her.
���Lucas, my parents, are around here somewhere, please stop?���
���I don���t care,��� he yelled and laughed.
She turned and glared at him, ���Grow up, just fucking grow up. You have changed Lucas, and it makes me sad for you.���
���Yeah well, you have too,��� he yelled.
She turned around and walked up to him and hugged him, ���Lucas find you please, find you.���
She turned and walked away.
���For us I will Tessa,��� he yelled and walked to his SUV and left.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
���I���m going to the Cape,��� Tessa sat on the back deck next to Maggie.
���Ok, we can all go. We haven���t rented the house out until next May,��� Maggie held Tessa���s hand.
���Good to know. I���m going for a month Mom.���
���Honey that���s a long time,��� Maggie said softly.
���I need it, I need to get away,��� Tessa sat back and took a deep breath.
���It’s going to rain all next week; we can all go then and help you get settled?��� Maggie had tears in her eyes.
���Ok,��� Tessa said softly.
���Tessa he wasn���t the one. You���re going to find someone honey,��� Maggie wiped away tears.
Tessa knew her Mom held guilt about the choices Tessa had made during the family’s split.
���I left your father because I wasn���t in love with him anymore,��� Maggie said softly, ���I never stopped loving him or any of you.���
���Mom, I know it���s not about that������
���Please let me talk Tessa,��� Maggie swallowed hard.
���I made those choices you didn���t,��� Tessa rubbed her mother���s hand.
���Your father and I loved each other immensely. When we dated, he was so attentive. He made me feel like I was the world, and in return I did the same for him. He was beautiful, kind and adored me. After we got married and bought the farm, we immediately had Molly. I gave everything I could to be the best mother and wife I could be. He worked very hard to support our family, but we drifted apart. I had all of you, and he had the farm. I took care of our children, and he was never around. We lost our connection. When you all went to school, he was still busy, and I was lonely. When I went to work after a year of arguing when we tried working together. He asked me if I wanted another baby. I was angry and hurt. I believed he felt I had not given enough to him. I tried to talk to him about not being in love anymore, and he w
as hurt and that hurt showed in anger. He looked at me differently. He didn���t even try Tessa. I reached out to him, and he was so angry he stopped talking to me. Someone at work told me I looked beautiful once, and that broke me,��� Maggie said with tears in her eyes.
���Dr���.��� Tessa started.
���Yes Tessa, Dr. Feel good,��� Maggie rolled her eyes.
���Sorry Mom,��� Tessa looked down.
���No, that���s fine Tessa. I told your father I missed that. In desperation, I told him. I believed he would see me again. Well, he didn���t see anything but his wife as a cheat. I never let anything happen. Noah, the Doctor, would never have pushed me. Any way���s I could not see him look at me like that anymore, so I left. We never discussed anything he let me go. He did not fight for me. So I left. I had told him I would rather be alone than lonely with someone. I was serious and still would choose that over feeling the cold hugs, wondering where the kisses went, and sex���.well I will spare you the details. When he bought a hot tub, I was angry. I had mentioned it many times and he would roll his eyes, so I move out, and he gets something I thought would help rekindle the spark we had lost,��� Maggie was staring out into the back field.
Tessa���s giggle caught her attention, ���Well it works, I witnessed that spark first- hand Mom.���
���Tessa Ann Ross!��� Maggie snapped.
���Well, I did,��� Tessa smiled at her mother.
���I knew that was his way of reaching out. I had gone on a few dates, and he was not John. It wasn���t comfortable there was no passion. That was because I knew there would never be another John. I didn���t have relations with him. Every moment with him made me miss your father more. I���m telling you this Tessa because Lucas is not what you need. He would never be able to be with another if he were. You showed him the love he had never known, and I���m not talking about sex I���m talking about love. You need to accept that and be happy you left him better than when you met him. Ask yourself if you could ever truly trust him again. And could Lucas ever respect you enough to be faithful. Without trust and respect what will you ever have? I believe those two things were what your father and I never lost. You���re going to find someone who loves you and would never look at another, but not when you���re looking for him. My prayer for you is to heal, forgive him, forgive yourself, and open yourself up to receive love again,��� Tessa and Maggie hugged.
���I love you, Mom.���
They sat on the deck sipping tea and reminiscing about the Cape until the sun went down.
A NOTE FROM MJ FIELDS
I am very grateful to all who have taken the time to read Tessa and Lucas���s story. While we live and grow sometime, we have the guts to say enough is enough. We take chances and steps with the hope that we end up exactly where we are supposed to be.
My hope is always to try to be better, a better friend, mom, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, and partner. And to do so with grace, dignity, and the knowledge that each step in my journey will lead me to who I am. To become without anger or resentments, always forgiving, knowing I too need forgiveness.
To have loved and to have been loved is the greatest gift. A gift that should be re- gifted when the heart and soul heal. You never know what is just around the corner…
Again I want to thank all those whose support has helped me through life and love. Laura, Karen, Stephanie, Suzanne, Tiffany, Taylor, Emily, Erica, Faye, and Mary. Your feedback was truly appreciated. I Love you all���Anyway.
My promise to you is that you will be happy with Tessa���s choice and even continue to love Lucas���Anyway.
TRUE LOVE
Book 4
CHAPTER ONE
It was sunny, and eighty- five in early September in Upstate NY as Tessa Ross drove south on Interstate 81. She was finally taking a break and heading up to the house her family- owned: a gift from their Aunt���s estate after her death four years ago on the Cape. Seven hours to drive with just her dog Leia and her thoughts of what has happened over the past five years of her life.
It’s fine, Tessa thought to herself, I���ll be alright. She plugged her iPod into the Jeep and thumbed through until she found her strong girl playlist.
How could anything be wrong when Abba was blasting and Dancing Queen was all around her? She pet her black shaggy Labradoodle and noticed how badly she needed a haircut.
���Sorry girl, I should���ve thought about this last week, but we���ll find a place girl, a doggie spa that���ll make you the prettiest pooch on the Cape.���
The phone rang, and it was Phoebe. They had been best friends since their senior year and now Phoebe was her sister in law. Tessa pushed the hands- free button, and the music stopped.
���Hey Phoebe, what���s up?���
���Not much, what have you been up to I haven���t talked to you in a week?���
���Just busy, you know working a lot, what have you been up to?��� Tessa asked.
���Just hanging out, have you talked to Lucas?���
Ouch, that hurt, she could feel the heat in her throat moving up.
���I talked to him yesterday��� he���s doing alright, he seems to think he���s going to change and fix us,��� Tessa gave a forced laugh and continued, ���but that���s why we���re here. That among other things, but it is what it is.���
���Hey, you know you didn���t have to send me money. I know it wasn���t your plan to call the wedding off.���
Tessa knew she didn���t have to send her attendants money, but there was no way she would have felt alright with them having paid for the dress and shoes they bought to wear once.
���Well, I thought I could buy them from you, you know have a big party when I get home from my vacation. We certainly could use something to start the bonfire with.���
Tessa and Phoebe both laughed,
���Vacation? Where did you decide?��� Phoebe asked.
Tessa laughed as she remembered that she hadn���t even told her Mom she was leaving today.
���I am on my way to Cape Cod. Leia and I are on 81 about to get on 88, headed to the house. There and no one is going to be there all month, I just needed to get away you know.���
���Wow��� a month, huh? You sure you can afford that?���
Tess knew she was asking out of concern, ���I don���t have any bills ��� Phoebe.��� Or anything else, ���I���m going to be fine; I���ve been saving for a year now. Slamming the overtime lately so I���ll be fine for a few weeks, as long as I avoid too much retail therapy.���
Phoebe knew that Tessa used humor to get through many of life���s uncomfortable situations.
���Tessa I���m here for you, I know we haven���t talked this week, but I have been thinking about you. I want you to know I love you, and I think you made the right decision,��� Phoebe said sweetly.
Tessa responded softly, ���Thank you I know you���re here, I know you���re busy too. Hey, if you need to get away I���m just a seven- hour drive.���
���Hmm��� with Alex working on the farm and me taking online courses I just may take you up on that. But you know��� I do have baggage,��� Phoebe rubbed her pregnant belly as she laughed. ���You should probably ask Jade.���
Tessa laughed, ���Maybe we could make it a girls getaway. You guys could swing by the farm and grab my gown, and bring yours along. We could go out all dressed up in them and then come back to Aunt Ann���s��� place and jump in the ocean in them. You know mess the dress, maybe we could have Laura come up and take photos.���
���Hey Ph
oebe��� I have to start paying attention to where I���m going so I will talk to you soon ok? Oh and my parents think I am headed here on Monday so don���t mention it to Alex ok? I just wanted to avoid the emotional see you soon.���
Phoebe promised her lips were sealed. They briefly talked about making some sort of plan. As Tessa was exiting to get on 88 south, they hung up and Aretha���s RESPECT blasted through the car.
Tessa laughed and patted Leia ���Five more hours��� girl, and we���ll be there.���
Phoebe got off the phone and tears formed in her beautiful green eyes. She could not believe what was happening to Tessa. She wanted to kick Lucas right in the balls for what he���d done to her friend, her sister. She was thankful she was pregnant because if not she would probably wind up in jail! Calm down she said to herself as she rubbed her stomach, just 8 weeks and she���ll be ready to meet this little bundle of joy in her belly. She was a little concerned that Tessa may not be emotionally ready to coach her during labor. Oh, boy ���or girl. She walked into the room that was decorated in tan and light green, no paintings or border yet. A chair rail was on the wall opposite the dark cherry crib with the space above waiting for a border that will give the room gender identification.
Tessa turned up the radio as she got on the I- 90 Massachusetts Turnpike. Pearl Jam filled the car.
���Ok Leia��� we need to pull off soon and find a place for us both to go to the bathroom and get you a drink, half an hour tops,��� she promised her faithful companion.
Tessa started singing along with Eddie Vedor. ���Everything has changed absolutely nothings��� changed, so true!���
I should be moving to Seattle. Yeah��� about four years ago when Lucas was in his dorm room with Jenny sucking him off.
Nothing As It Seems played, and she continued to drive.
Leia whined, and Tessa realized it had been over an hour since she promised her furry friend they would pull over. Tessa pulled into a rest stop, and they got out. She walked Leia around and finally Leia settled on a place to do her business.
