by Mj Fields
In your rain, I fall to my knees
In your light, I beg you oh please, oh London ooohhh London
The sky lights up from your light the clouds break and I know it’s finally right.
The fog it’s lifting could it be oh could it be
That light from London’s eye’s shining for me.
The brilliant light you come from is where I need to be.
���Brody it���s beautiful,��� Emma said softly.
���Would you like me to explain it?��� He asked.
���Please do,��� Emma said.
���The first verse is about my mother���s passing and how angry I was at her for leaving. The chorus is about this trip actually, and about your daughter���s love for you, and dependency on you to keep her safe which I didn���t feel as a child. The brilliant light that you come from ��� that part of the chorus is you. The next verse,��� he said taking a breath, ���Is about when I realized why she left before she passed, for months Em. She lived here in London with my Aunt and we never knew why she left, let alone that she was dying and was trying to keep that pain from us. I only realized that when I saw that you would jump in front of a damn train to stop any pain that may come to your child regardless of the pain it would cause you. My mother loved me enough to not want me to watch her suffer Emma. My father told us she left us and never the truth. And then, he fell apart.���
���Brody when did you find out all of this?��� Emma asked deeply concerned.
���Today Emma. I spoke to my aunt today,��� he spoke, and his voice shook.
���Oh I don���t know what to say. I���m so glad you have an answer and that it brought you what I hope is peace. But I���m sorry I can���t be there with you. Talk to me please, where is your head right now?��� Emma asked.
���I don���t know Emma,��� he laughed, ���We are both nasty messy right now.���
���But I���m here for you ��� don���t forget that Brody, please,��� Emma said nervously.
Brody took a deep breath, ���Do you know it���s only eight o���clock in the evening, and I���m literally as exhausted as you sound?���
���You should sleep,��� Emma said in her maternal voice and Brody laughed, ���Please tell me what you need from me.���
���Emma, I need you to go to sleep, and take care of London,��� Brody said in an authoritative tone.
���What can I do to take care of you?��� Emma asked softly, ���I love you Brody. Don���t shut me out.���
���I���m not Emma, go to sleep, see you soon,��� Brody hung up.
Emma cried herself to sleep.
In the morning, she woke up and sent him a text.
- I don���t want to shut down, but last night was confusing. You confused me by sharing your music and then something truly personal and not letting me in any further. I hope you are alright, you can trust me I���m here���Em
Emma didn���t receive a response and spent the day with Troy and London. Troy helped them load her parent���s vehicles with boxes and even helped load the storage trailer. The three of them went out to dinner and then to visit his cousin Tessa to let her know what was going on.
The night passed and still no word from Brody. Emma googled him and saw pictures of him walking in the park with three women, another of him walking out of a cemetery with dark glasses and his hair was wild. He had on a black t- shirt and loose jeans. The last was a picture at a bar sitting next to a blonde and next to her, was Ariel.
Damn it, damn it, damn it. What was I thinking? I can���t do this, I won���t do this. Focus damn it, Emma���s head screamed. Coincidental plane trip to London together ��� what the hell ever!
Sunday London and Emma attended the early church service and said goodbye to their friends. They took Troy to the rehab center and said tearful ���see you soon.��� Emma and London went to the movies and out to dinner and returned home for their normal Sunday routine.
Emma went to bed that night and cried. Still with no response from Brody.
* * *
Emma sat in the exam room at her OBGYN���s office and waited. She looked at her phone and still no call. The doctor did a breast exam and felt a lump in her left breast. A mammogram was scheduled for Wednesday.
Emma drove home, feeling nervous but knew he was just being overly cautious, she was only thirty four, and she was sure it was nothing.
Emma busied herself with packing and getting London together with a few friends and family members before the big move. London was so excited and busy that she didn���t sense the unease in Emma.
On Wednesday Emma sat in the small white office looking at the photos on the wall as she waited for the doctor to go over the results with her.
���Hello Emma, I am Dr. Green,��� the tall gray haired man said shaking her hand.
���Hello,��� Emma said nervously.
���Emma we found a tumor that���s one point six centimeters in your left breast. I would like to schedule a lumpectomy. We���ll be able to remove it without having to do a mastectomy, so that���s something very positive to focus on right now. I���m suggesting that while we do the lumpectomy we also do a biopsy of two lymph nodes because that���s how cancer usually spreads. This will tell us if we need to do any other treatments like chemotherapy or radiation. Emma, do you need to take a break?��� Dr. Green asked.
Emma shook her head no.
���Alright, I���m going to refer you to an oncologist and a surgeon,��� Dr. Green spoke in a professional tone.
The dam broke and Emma began to cry, ���Are you telling me I have breast cancer?���
���Yes Emma, but we won���t know what we���re looking at until we remove the mass,��� Dr. Green said, ���May I please call someone for you Emma?���
���I���m divorced. I have an eight year old daughter. I���m moving and starting a new career on Monday,��� Emma said wiping away the tears.
���Okay I���m going to make a couple calls now Emma and you are going to sit here and think about strength. You���re going to be fine, alright?��� Dr. Green told her.
���Thank you,��� Emma said.
Dr. Green set up the appointment for Friday; there was a cancellation, so they pushed her right in. She called Caroline and Henry on her way home so they knew what was going on, and they were truly supportive as always. This means they would leave a day earlier than planned, London was excited about skipping school.
On their drive to Tarrytown, Emma smiled as she looked in the rearview mirror at London who was happily singing along with her iTouch.
���Hey baby girl, could we talk for a minute?��� Emma asked smiling.
���Sure Mom, what���s up?���
���I have to have a little procedure in the morning, so you���ll hang out with grandpa while I go to the surgery center,��� Emma explained.
���Are you alright, Mom?��� London asked worried.
���I���ll be just fine, it���s just a test. Nothing like the operation I had two years ago. In fact, I���ll be home that night and still be going to work on Tuesday as planned, just a little detour from our original plan, no big deal,��� Emma laughed.
���Does Brody know?��� London quizzed her.
���No honey, no one but you and your grandparents knows. It���s kind of private okay?��� Emma explained.
���When did you talk to Brody last Mom?��� London continued the quiz.
���Well I think it was Saturday, we���ve both been busy,��� Emma
smiled.
���Okay good, I like him,��� London said stating her opinion.
���Well you know we���re very different and just because we hung out a few times does not mean he���s right for me,��� Emma reminded her.
Her phone rang through the cars blue tooth system and announced Brody���s call.
���Answer it, Mom!��� London cheered.
���Hello this is Emma, and you���re on speaker.���
���Hello Em, hello London,��� Brody said sweetly.
���Brody I miss you!��� London laughed.
���I miss you too. I���ve been so busy. London are you skipping school?��� Brody asked in an accusatory tone.
���Yep, mom���s idea, we���re moving today instead of tomorrow, I guess mom has…��� London started.
���Brody ��� this is kind of a bad time. Can we speak later?��� She asked shooting London a goofy face.
���Sure, when can I phone you?��� Brody asked.
���We should be there in two hours, and then you can talk to her alone,��� London laughed.
���We are going to be truly busy this weekend getting things straightened around, how about Monday?��� Emma asked trying to keep it together.
���Em, please, I need to speak to you,��� Brody said sounding wounded.
���Alright then Monday works best for me, talk to you then,��� Emma said and hung up.
���Mom are you mad at Brody?��� London asked.
���No, not mad, just busy,��� Emma smiled.
* * *
Caroline and Henry had unpacked all of Emma and London���s things and put them away. London had decided she wanted to sleep in the house and not the apartment the first night which Emma agreed to, that way she could unpack the remainder of the stuff that they had brought along after London was in bed. She decided to call Lila and tell her that they had moved and what was going on.
���Emma,��� Lila answered the phone, ���How are you?���
���We���re home now, almost moved in. The storage trailer will be here in the morning. I need to ask you a favor,��� Emma asked softly.
���Anything, you know that,��� Lila said kindly.
���Well, Brody kind of flaked on Saturday and didn���t return a text after that, he called today and well, I can���t do this with him Lila. There is so much going on,��� Emma said and began to cry.
���Emma, you should hear him out,��� Lila started.
���No, he should leave me alone Lila. I need to get through something���s, and I can���t waste my energy on this puppy love nonsense,��� Emma said pulling herself back together.
���Emma������ Lila began.
���No, please Lila, I need to tell you something and I need you to be strong for me,��� Emma said sternly.
���Ok I���m listening,��� Lila said soothingly.
���I have an appointment tomorrow, to have a procedure. A lumpectomy. I have breast cancer,��� Emma started.
���What?��� Lila said shocked.
Emma explained everything and made her promise not to tell Brody any of it. While they were on the phone Brody called three times and Emma ignored each call. When they got off the phone she received a text from him.
- You should know I���m not going to stop trying to contact you Emma, so answer your fucking phone!...MM
Her phone rang again, and it was him, ���Brody, please stop calling,��� Emma said softly.
���Will you just listen to me Emma? I fucked up, we had a pretty deep conversation, and I thought you needed space to deal with������ he began.
���I do need space. A lot of it. So thank you for being so very aware of what I needed and still need,��� Emma started.
���No, Emma you need to listen to me so just SHUT UP for five minutes,��� he yelled.
���See, I knew that ���age thing��� was going to be an issue, DON���T YELL AT ME!��� Emma snapped.
���I���m coming home, maybe if you could just������ Brody started.
���No, you finish what you went there for. Right now Brody, I don���t need nor want this distraction. If you come home I���ll refuse to see you, do you understand Brody? I���m done,��� Emma told him.
���You���re done Emma? Wow that���s great, just fucking great. Glad I could fuck you through your slump!��� Brody yelled.
���Oh yes…thank you for making me feel even more worthless than you already have,��� Emma responded in an exasperated tone.
���Frustrated Em? Good! Damn it what the hell happened?��� Brody asked.
���Let���s see we talked about some really important things on Saturday morning. You realized Troy knew and that my daughter was vested, you���re struggling with something, I said three stupid meaningless words to you and you didn���t respond. When you and I finally actually opened up to each other you flaked. I can���t do that to me, and I won���t do that to London!���
���You need to get������ he started, ���Emma I���ll have my album done by Wednesday. I���ve been busting my ass to finish it so I could get home to you. I���m cancelling my interviews and will be home no later than next week. Is that acceptable?���
���No, don���t Brody, please don���t cancel anything. I just have things to work through, please stay. I���m going to be pretty busy for a while,��� Emma whispered.
���Emma,��� Brody said sadly, ���Don���t push me out, please. I love you Em.���
Emma cleared her voice, ���I can���t, not now and not ever.���
���I love you Emma,��� Brody repeated.
���I���m begging you to just leave it alone Brody this will never, ever work. Please,��� Emma begged, ���I can���t do this.���
���No, Emma you won���t do this, you love me, that doesn���t change in a week,��� his voice cracked.
���Well that���s where you���re wrong ��� I don���t. I mistook lust for love. It was exactly what I needed at the exact time I needed it. I���m sure if you dig deep enough you���ll find the same holds true for you. I���m sorry, but you and I are finished. I���m so sorry. Goodbye Brody,��� Emma said sternly.
���Don���t hang up Emma, I won���t call again,��� Brody said firmly.
He heard her take a deep breath and she hung up. Emma pulled her knees to her chest and cried. It hurt so bad to lose him, even more than…no, no, no, pull it together, she told herself, I don���t have the time do this.
CHAPTER NINE
���Your test results will be back by Wednesday, we were able to remove the entire tumor. You should rest for a week; no lifting over ten pounds for a week okay Mrs. Fields?��� Dr. Spandard said.
���Yes thank you, may I go home now?��� Emma asked.
���Yes, the nurse is bringing the wheelchair now,��� he smiled softly.
Emma stood at the hospital entrance and looked at her father and began to cry, ���Dad, everything has to be alright.���
���Emma I know it will be,��� he kissed her forehead.
Emma slept the rest of the day in her bed. London and Caroline made sure she was well taken care of and pampered. Her phone chimed alerting her to a message.
- Seems I���m not the only one making the gossip sites, is this why we are done Em? Are you really no different than the rest of them?...Brody
- Wel
l hello Brody. Interesting that you can go five days without any contact and then when I say I���m done…you get awfully chatty���Emma
- Answer the damn question, Emma���Brody
- Brody the man I���m holding is someone I will love forever, very handsome and strong isn���t he?���Emma
- Who is it Emma?���Brody
- Who is the Blonde in your lovely shot and why was Ariel there? Pointing fingers is a sign of someone hiding things, best of luck���Emma
- Just answer the fucking question, how long have the two of you been together?���Brody
- Well about thirty four and a half years? He���s the only man I���ve ever needed in my life, my father���Emma
- Good���Brody
- I am going to change my number; I sent all your gifts to Lila. LET IT GO!!!...Emma
- You took the gifts I gave London?...Brody
- I bought her a new one���Emma
- With child support, classy���Brody
- Better than prostitute payment���Emma
- You said it���Brody
- Yep, and I returned it���Emma
- I guess I could recycle the gift to the next single Mom I hook up with���Brody
Emma shut off her phone and fell back to sleep, when she woke Lila was sitting in her room, watching her.
���Hi,��� Emma yawned.
���Good morning,��� Lila smiled, ���How are you feeling?���
���Sore, very sore,��� Emma said holding her chest.
���Not as feisty as last night?��� Lila chuckled.
���What?��� Emma asked confused.
���A very angry rock star with a funny accent called me last night and sent me a whole page of text messages, and insisted I deal with it,��� she laughed.
���Oh…I���m to be dealt with?��� Emma laughed.
���Apparently you may be a liability,��� Lila said in an English accent.
���Yes, I may just lose my mind, being the unreasonable woman that I am. Do me a favor? Tell him I said maybe he should have gagged me the day he tied me up and fucked me into submission,��� Emma said annoyed.
