by Mj Fields
She was crying, I fucking hated seeing tears and I hated that right now I���m the one who caused them.
���I know you are angry at me Harper but you need to understand a few things. First, every part of me wants to kiss those fucking tears away, but I know you���ll fight me. Second, I will not regret the choice I made to not tell you.���
She looked up at me and all signs of hurt were replaced by anger.
���That day you lost your father, you lost your child; you lost your innocence������
���My innocence?! What the hell is that supposed to mean!?��� she wiped her tears furiously���my tears to remove from her face.
���If you get angry Harper so be it, but I���ll answer your questions. Your life, your entire life you knew you were safe. You had your parents, your family; you had never truly been put in a situation that would put you in danger. I never wanted you to be. I nearly killed myself trying to stay away from you because I didn���t want my existence to taint you in any way Harper, that���s how much I love you. I know you���re not a spoiled little princess; I know who you are and I love you so fucking much. What happened to you robbed you of something so precious. So when I say innocence I mean that exactly. They took that faith in humanity, that security, be it false or otherwise, they took it from you. Your child, our child was taken from you and you couldn���t do a damn thing about it. That���s the innocence I���m talking about. We have to move forward from all this Harper, that���s what we both want and we fucking deserve to be able to!���
���They said you deserved better than me. That I was ugly, that I was nothing. They basically said it was a blessing that our baby died, so you wouldn���t have to be stuck with someone like me.��� She was sobbing now and I was dying.
���Who said that to you Sweetness? ���Because whoever it was I was going to kill.
���Those girls today, the ones that Ava������
I stood and walked towards the door, ���No! You don���t get to run away right now.���
���I���m not running Harper. I���m going to go find those bitches and rip their mother fucking tongues out so they can���t spew venom anymore.���
I stopped and started pulling my boxers on.
���You can���t. You���ll be arrested.���
���The fuck I would, I���d be doing a service to humanity!���
I heard her sigh and looked up. She looked even more exhausted than she had earlier.
���Don���t be mad at me Harper, I was only trying to spare your feelings, not lie.���
���Don���t go rip anyone���s tongues off and I���ll consider it.���
She laid back and pulled the blankets up around her.
I sat next to her and she moved over giving me room to lie next to her.
���I���m sorry Sweetness. I never want to see you hurt.���
���Maddox, you can���t rip anyone���s tongue out,��� she yawned.
���I could,��� I slid in next to her and pulled her against me.
���But you won���t.���
���I���ll try my best not to.���
���You wouldn���t be able to sleep in jail,��� she rolled over and kissed my chest and all was well with the world again.
���I have you tattooed on me now so you���re always with me. I may be able to sleep now.���
���I wouldn���t be able to,��� she pressed her head against me.
���We can���t fight anymore.���
���We���re going to argue once in a while.���
���I don���t think we have to.���
She was quiet and I was grateful that she seemed alright.
I was about to fall asleep when she spoke.
���Did you hold him?���
���Harper can���t we just let this go, please you don���t need anymore������
���What did he look like?���
���Little, very little.���
She moved back and looked up at me, ���Please Maddox, I need to know too.���
���He wasn���t ready to be born Harper.���
���He wasn���t ready to die either.���
We lay looking at each other silently for a moment. She closed her eyes and a tear escaped.
���Maddox, please,��� she breathed a plea.
���He was about eight inches long and no more than a pound and a half, Harper. He had ten toes and ten tiny fingers.���
More tears escaped and she wrapped her arms around my neck and held her forehead to mine. I reached between us and wiped away the tears.
���They asked if I wanted a photo and I said no.���
���They asked you that?���
���Yeah.���
���Did you hold him?���
���We both did. You were asleep but I held him here against your neck and held your hands to him.���
���I held him? I held our baby?���
���You did.���
���I wish you had a picture.���
���No Harper you don���t.���
���Was he scary looking?���
That question crushed me because even though he looked like a baby he wasn���t pink, or breathing, or what I had imagined.
���No, not scary, he was beautiful.���
���Okay.���
���Can you sleep?���
���Can you hold me tighter?���
���Yes, as tight as you need.���
When she woke I had already dressed and gotten ready.
She sat up and stretched.
���Did I sleep long?���
���No, but we���re going to a late lunch with everyone.���
���Okay let me get ready.���
When she was ready she came out and I grabbed her and hugged her, ���I love you.���
���I love you.���
The cars pulled up on 5th avenue at the Met. Harper looked out the window, ���Are we eating here?���
���We are, is that alright?���
���If everyone else is alright with it so am I,��� she looked at her mother for acceptance.
I must have looked at Tessa for too long because she looked at me. I wasn���t sure how she was holding it all together but she was so strong. Stronger than I could ever be had I lost the person I loved.
She smiled at me as if she knew what I was thinking and looked down into her lap.
And as if the God himself was running personal interference over the gloom that was now seeping into the car, Ava spoke.
���Dad brought me here when we were little for my birthday,��� a devilish little grin took over her face, ���I was confused as to why he���d bring me here Tessa.���
Tessa smiled and looked up, ���Why is that Ava?���
���He may as well have taken me to a strip club; this place was full of pornographic pictures and statues. I���m talking life-size portraits of unclothed penis. Come on, lets go check it out!���
Tessa laughed and so did Harper.
I looked at Dad, Matthew, and CJ who tried to pretend it wasn���t a bit funny but I knew better.
We went through security after our own G men walked ahead of us. I stayed back with Dad and allowed Ava to entertain Harper and Tessa.
���She���s a prize isn���t she?��� Dad patted my back.<
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���She���s exactly what they need right now.���
���You and Harper doing alright?���
���Yeah,��� I watched as they waked through the security check laughing.
���You sure?���
���I���m sure we will someday be able to breathe. I just don���t know how the hell Tessa keeps it together.���
Dad looked over at me and smiled softly, ���Her angels are here Maddox. She���s strong for the three of them and they���re strong for her.���
I nodded in agreement.
After spending at least half an hour looking at the Arms and Amour display we ate lunch in the caf��. It was nice being here, not a lot of people stopped and stared at us. Harper seemed to have relaxed and that was all I needed.
We walked up the grand staircase and I pulled out my phone and looked at the information I had found on a famous painting. I had read about it in the library back in England, when I was still living in that hell and my only escape was through books. One picture always caught my attention. I wondered about it and what the artist, Peter Paul Rubens, was thinking while painting it. It was said to have been painted in the sixteen hundreds. The women depicted obviously adored the man and he was leaving her behind and an angel was holding his leg.
When Harper was laying in that operating room in England as I held our son against her neck; place of comfort for me, I wished he could smell her, feel her warmth, and take it with him to heaven. I also knew that at that moment, I would be strong enough to walk away from her if only he could live to know the beautiful woman Harper was.
That moment gave me a taste of the faith my Harper had in God. I may have been angry and wondered why the suffering, why the pain and hell on earth was so easily given to me, to a child, to all the children and people who suffer. Looking at her with our child I knew that God would never give his precious Harper to anyone who wouldn���t fully appreciate what it must have taken to create her. He made me for her and although I nearly lost her on several occasions, he always brought us back together. That moment; a moment that was one of the most heartbreaking times in my life, I believed in God, and I will thank him every day for Harper and trust that our little boy, our angel in heaven, is being taken care of and loved in heaven as much as I love his mother.
Harper turned around and looked at me and smiled. I tried to hide the sadness from showing but just as I could tell her every emotion when I looked upon her face, she could do the same.
She walked back to me and I grabbed her hand, ���I need to show you something.���
I pulled her into the room that was said to have held the painting that had haunted me for years. I looked around searching and she pulled me away from thought in another direction. I followed but still looked around searching. When she stopped I looked up.
I almost stopped breathing when I realized she had brought us to that very painting, Venus and Adonis. It was breathtaking. A much different experience than I had looking in library books. So lifelike, it was as if they could walk right out of the painting.
���This is beautiful,��� she whispered.
���Venus and Adonis.���
She leaned in to look at the plaque and I pulled her back, ���Wait don���t read it just let me tell you a story first please.���
���A story?���
���Yes a story.���
���Okay.���
I pulled her back and sat down on the bench and she sat next to me. I held her hand and kissed it.
���When I was still in England I was allowed to go to the library. Elizabeth insisted and my captors had no choice but to agree. I often spent time looking at this very picture in a book of famous paintings. I was drawn to it; I never did understand that child trying to hold back the man. In my experience men were not nice and I often found it odd. But for some reason I went back to this picture time and again. When you were holding our child, this photo popped into my mind at the very moment I desperately wanted our child to live, and praying God would take me instead. You know I believe that God existed but never cherished him as you do. I thought of him as an antagonist who only cared for a select few. I wondered how he could let all of those children suffer the way I had, and many worse. I know now that he made me the man I am for you. To love you, protect you, to be the man you deserve. I also know that you are my reward for a life of hell. When I thought of this picture in the hospital I thought of God and our angel saying ���no you get her, you were made for her���. I thought of our angel getting to go directly to heaven because he did not deserve to suffer a world of hate and hurt. I let him go when all I wanted was to have him here with us because I know that God that made you and God that gave you to me was not an antagonist but one worthy of all the praise in the universe. Harper, this is what our son looked like to me. A beautiful little cherub with wings who wanted his Mommy and Daddy to love one another. A little cherub who is in heaven with your father who made the ultimate sacrifice for his angel on earth and the woman he loves.���
I looked away from the photo at Harper and the rest who had gathered unbeknownst to me.
Tessa wiped her eyes, ���Don���t forget Maddox, Elizabeth is there as well. She now has a chance to be the mother she would have been to you if she knew how.���
Tessa sat next to Harper and held her other hand, ���We are a strong family.���
She reached for CJ and Matthew and they both stood behind her. Each placed a hand on her shoulder. Dad sat next to me and Ava rested her chin atop Harper���s head.
Tessa laughed, ���We haven���t really had a chance to grieve have we? With Harrison and everything that has gone on, we haven���t allowed ourselves that time.���
���You guys have about two days to get it out of your system,��� Ava sniffled, ���Collin would kick your asses if you didn���t move on with your lives. He didn���t raise a bunch of slackers damn it.���
Tessa laughed and Ava bent over and kissed her cheek, ���I love you Momma Tessa.���
���I love you too Ava.���
We left the Met and returned to our hotel. Tessa and Harper insisted on ordering pizza and watching movies. When we walked into the room Emma and the girls were there. I smiled when I saw Harper and Tessa light up.
���Geez what took you guys so long at that museum?��� London grabbed Harper and hugged her tight, ���Boring huh?���
���Compared to you being around, everything is,��� Harper laughed.
Lexi looked at me and grinned. I grinned back and she leaped from Dad���s arms into mine, ���I missed you.���
���Crazy isn���t it? It���s only been one full day since I���ve seen you and I miss you���more.���
She must have had enough of my hugs because she was on to Harper next. God I loved those girls.
Lexi was talking a hundred miles an hour to Harper, and London was sitting on Tessa���s lap, yes at fourteen she still thought she could. She was almost as tall as Emma already.
���Hey Daddio,��� London looked full of piss and vinegar at Dad.
���Hey London,��� he smiled.
���Can you take me bra shopping at La Perla?��� His face fell and London laughed, ���We drove by it, nice bras and I have boobs you know.���
He looked at Emma who was trying not to laugh and Dad raised his eyebrow giving her a challenging look.
���How about I take your mother shopping and leave you with Maddox?���
���You wanna buy mom bras?��� London laughed.
Emma glared at Body, ���I sure do.���
Tessa giggled and London looked between the three of them, ���Eww GROSS!��
��
���What���s gross?��� Lexington asked raising her palms in the air.
���Dad wants to������
Thankfully Tessa covered her mouth, ���I think the two of you should take off, the girls can stay here with us.���
���No that���s very nice of you but,��� Dad looked at Ava skeptically.
���Oh good god rockstar I can keep it under control!��� Ava huffed, ���Emma, you go have fun. We got this.���
I watched Dad as he tried his damndest not to look excited. They really didn���t get a lot of time alone together lately.
He looked at me and I tried not to smile.
���Fine if you insist. Em shall we go ���shopping?���
The way he looked at her didn���t go unnoticed.
���Oh god yes Emma say YES!���
Emma laughed, ���Okay Ava for you������
Ava laughed, ���Well thank you.���
I leaned over and whispered into Harper���s ear, ���As soon as they have left the building you and I are going to go to their room. I need to be inside you.���
CHAPTER FOUR
Time For Us
Harper
I went into the bathroom to change into the pajamas Mom had brought from home. I laughed when I saw they were footies. Ava barged into the bathroom and looked me up and down.
���You really gonna wear those?���
���I am, Maddox loves footies,��� I joked.
Ava stripped down and threw on her silky shorts and top. ���This is what you should be wearing, wanna switch?���
She was looking in the mirror making seductive faces and I laughed, ���No I love these things.���
I zipped up and stood beside her and mimicked her facial expressions.
She stepped back and smiled, ���You���ve changed.���
���I haven���t.��� I grabbed my tooth brush and paste.
���Yes, you have. It���s weird though, something stronger and something else completely vulnerable. I know you���ve been through hell and I wish I could change that for you.���
