by Mj Fields
I had to kiss him. I was terrified that, if I didn���t take this opportunity���one given by fate���I would never have it again.
���Then don���t,��� I whispered as I grabbed his waist with one hand and the back of his neck with the other.
Then I kissed him.
The sound that escaped him when our lips met came from a place of unmeasurable depth. Every ounce of courage it took to kiss him was swallowed up in its complexity. I trembled when his arm wrapped around me and pulled me tightly to him.
If he let go, I feared I might fall or pass out.
He didn���t.
His kiss intensified. Hands in my hair, his tongue caressing mine, he kept his other hand holding me securely against him.
I couldn���t breathe. All I could do was feel, and the feelings were so overwhelming I swore all control was not just gone; it was shattered.
He pulled his mouth from mine, and I couldn���t help grabbing his face.
���Don���t stop,��� I pleaded softly.
���Ava ������ he whispered and closed his eyes.
My name had never sounded so beautiful and tormented all at the same time.
���Please ������ I begged, bowing my head until it touched his chin.
���I���m not the man you need,��� he said gruffly, and the sadness in it didn���t go unnoticed.
���I don���t need a man,��� I said, daring to look up at him. ���I���m going to law school; you���re going back to Kentucky. I know that.���
���Then why?��� His brows furrowed.
���Because I have wanted you my entire life,��� I said out loud, while inside, I told him it was because I loved him. I love you so much.
���We���ve both had way too much to drink.��� He stepped back.
���Luke ������ I started, my hands trembling for a completely different reason.
���I have a girlfriend,��� he repeated.
I shook my head as I told him, ���She doesn���t deserve you.���
His eyes penetrated mine, and we were silent, but it wasn���t awkward. In the silence, there was a force field keeping us both in the same place, not letting us move.
I closed my eyes and said again, ���She doesn���t deserve a man like you.���
���You don���t deserve a man like me, Ava. All those romantic notions you have about me are not reality. When you tell me you want me, I know damn well you want what you think I am. You sure as hell don���t want me.���
���Do so,��� I said and quickly realized I sounded like a spoiled little girl.
���I���m a soldier. I fight. I breathe for my country, and I will die for my country if need be. It is who I am. I am not walking away from who I am to play house with a girl who thinks she knows me when, in reality, I never knew who I was until the United States Army brought it out of me.���
���I���m not a stupid girl,��� I told him.
���Never said you were. But if I fucked you, it would be a fuck, not a relationship. No wedding bells or picket fence. If I fuck you, Ava, it���s purely physical.���
���What about your girlfriend? Do you love her?���
He shook his head. ���Don���t know. I loved the promises she made to me when I got home and that, if I wanted her to come with me, she���d come. I loved the letters she wrote when I was in the field, loved that she would marry me tomorrow.���
���But ������
���I don���t anymore. She doesn���t want me to stay in. She���s doing nothing here with her life. The first time I came home, I told her she needed to do her thing, that I had changed. She didn���t listen.���
���Then why not just break up with her?���
���I like having someone at home. I like getting letters in the field.��� He looked back up. ���I���m a fucking asshole.���
I shook my head. ���You���re not. She���s stupid.���
He sighed and shrugged.
���I���m not stupid. I���m going to be so busy at school for seven years, Luke. Seven. Break up with her. I���ll write you.���
���Ava ������ he said in a tone that made me feel like he thought I was stupid or maybe not worthy.
���I write you letters, anyway,��� I told him immediately. ���And when you come home, I���m always here.���
���This won���t always be home for me.���
���Pft, like it will be for me,��� I said, acting like it was no big deal. And it wasn���t. He was my home. He just didn���t know it yet.
���Sex isn���t a once a year thing,��� he told me.
���So?���
���So tell me you���d be okay with me fucking you and others.���
No, but after me, you���ll want no one else, I thought to myself.
���As long as you���re okay with the same,��� I told him.
His eyebrows shot up as he studied me.
���What? I���m not ready to settle down. I have goals and dreams and aspirations.���
He turned and started to walk away.
���Where are you going?���
He stopped and looked back. ���If I come back out here and you���re gone, it means you���re smarter than I am. If I come back out and you���re still here, I���ll know you mean what you said. If we do this, it���s physical, Ava. That means you don���t tell anyone������
���I won���t,��� I said almost too enthusiastically.
���Not even Harper,��� he said.
���Of course not Harper,��� I huffed.
He looked me up and down again. ���You should be gone when I get back.���
���You should break up with that bitch before you come back out.���
The corner of his mouth quirked up, and he nodded.
