She waved him away. "It's nothing. Let's get going."
He clenched his jaw and started the engine. "You can keep stuffing it down and refuse to talk about it, but it's going to continue to haunt you. The nightmares will ravage your sleep, the guilt will eat at your heart, and you'll eventually lose yourself."
Randi kept her head turned away from him. "You don't know me. The things I've done."
"Bunk." Josh stopped the ATV and grabbed her arm. "Look at me. We were in the same war. Fought the same battles. You think I don't understand what you went through? Get real." He sat silent for a moment. "Think about it. We all did things we aren't proud of. We lost people we loved. You aren't an island. None of us came back the same."
She crossed her arms and stared out at the land. "I can't talk about it. Not even with you. It's a burden I have to carry alone."
"No it isn't." Josh leaned his head against the steering wheel. "I know our life now has brought back old ghosts. You aren't the only one facing them."
"Oh, yeah?" Randi turned to him and raised an eyebrow. "And just what kind of awful things did Mr. Perfect do? You're one of those guys who goes into any situation and comes out smelling like lavender."
"You know everything about everyone, don't you? You're so wrapped up in yourself you don't have a clue about anyone else's struggles." He put the ATV in gear. "Have it your way. Live in your own pity party. Your self-made exile. When you get sick of the loneliness, let me know and we'll talk, princess."
She glared at him. Why did he lose it with her? She needed to open up, but she might never speak to him again. His pulse raced. "I'm sorry. It frustrates me to see you holding everything in. It's eating you alive from the inside out."
"Why can't you leave it alone? I said I don't want to talk about it."
"Then don't. Just listen." He continued to drive around the perimeter, but the scenery before him faded into the background. "I killed a kid."
She jerked her head around to stare at him. "In the Middle East?"
He shook his head. "Austin. When I was a rookie cop, I got a call to a warehouse with a hostage situation. A young boy, not much more than fourteen, held a woman hostage and said he was going to kill her." Josh jammed his hand through his hair. "I didn't have a choice. It was him or her. I thought." He took a deep breath. How could he explain this to her without her thinking he was evil?
"I tried to talk him down, but he wasn't listening. He was determined to kill her if we didn't let him go. She said he had a gun to her back. He'd robbed her, and taken her hostage to get out of the country. I thought he would kill her, so I shot. I was too quick, and didn't take in the full scene. Another was officer was to the side and could see that the boy didn't have a gun. He had a piece of pipe pressed into her back. He tried to warn me not to shoot, but it was too late. I'd already pulled the trigger. The kid was trying to join a gang. It was his initiation. If I hadn’t acted in haste he might've been saved from the gang. I killed him." He grew silent for a bit. "In that moment, he crawled into my head took up residence. I don't think I've gone a day in my life without thinking about Travis Murray."
He looked at her. The pain in her eyes reflected that in his heart. "I killed in war and that almost did me in, but this young man, I had to look him in the eye as I killed him. I begged him not to make me shoot. Maybe I should've tried using a stun gun on him, but if I did that, the woman he'd kidnapped might've died. What I'm trying to say is, I understand the damage. The PTSD. We have things in our lives that have enmeshed themselves in our psyches, and it's a struggle to survive every day. You don't have to tell me about your nightmares, but if you need to talk, I, of all people, can understand and listen without judgment."
She kept her head turned toward the fence line, not looking at him. "Can I be honest?"
"Yes."
"You say you don't judge, but you're a Christian. You all judge."
Josh laughed. What else could he do? "Everyone's judgy. Perhaps you just expect more from Christians, but you shouldn't. We're not perfect. The only difference is God has forgiven our past sins. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of. Many of them since I've become a Christian. Just because I have a good, perfect Father who sacrificed His Son to pay for those sins doesn't make me any better than you or anyone else."
She didn't say anything, so he gave her a playful punch in the arm. "You don't seem to think Ethan's judging you. Why would you think I am?"
"Ethan's different. I know he's a Christian, but he's accepting. He likes me as I am."
"You think I don't?" Man talk about a low blow. He'd thought they were good friends.
"No. I'm not saying it right. I know you like me." She closed her eyes. "When I was in the Middle East, I killed a teenage suicide bomber. Her eyes haunt me day and night. I've never told anyone except Ethan about her."
Josh stopped the ATV and put his hand on her arm. "Randi, how many did you save that day? I understand why she haunts you. The blue-eyed kid I killed will haunt me for the rest of my life, but you have to know you had no other choice."
"Maybe."
Father, help me reach this stubborn, independent woman. "You love Toni as if she were your own child, don't you?"
Randi dipped her head. "God only knows why she chose to love me, though."
"If Toni grew up, and killed someone in the same manner as you did, would you hate her? Refuse to allow her to come home? Exile her from your life?"
She scrunched her nose up and glared at him. "Of course not. I love her. If she grew up to a be a serial killer, it would break my heart, but I would still love her. I didn't put conditions on my love for her."
"Then why do you think everyone else, including God, has conditions on their love for you? Is it such a stretch that a loving Father would forgive you?"
Unshed tears glistened in Randi's eyes. "If He's loving, why did He take Raul?"
Josh put his arm around her shoulders. "God did not cause the car accident. Your father's sin did."
She blinked trying to keep her tears at bay. Why did she think she had be so strong all of the time?
"I know Raul's death ripped your heart out, but God didn't do it. It was the consequences of your father's actions."
"God allowed it," she said in a soft voice.
"There are some things we won't understand this side of heaven. God knows things about the future that we don't. We can only see the next step. By allowing Raul to die, God knew what the consequences would be, both short and long-term. We must trust that He knows more than us and allows bad things to happen for a purpose."
"I guess I'll never understand it. Just like you'll never understand what I've gone through."
Vixen sat at her desk. Alton walked through the doors. The man needed a shave and a shower. He reeked of body odor and cigarette smoke. "When did you start smoking? If you light up out there, the glow of the cigarette will give you away." She jabbed a finger in his direction. "Well? Are you going to answer me?"
"I smoked it in the car on the way back." He took a seat in the chair across from her without waiting for her invitation. "I'm not stupid enough to light up while on duty. Besides, this is the first one I've had since this all started."
"Fine. I take it Pepper got there?" Vixen relaxed into her chair and steepled her fingers.
"Yes. I wouldn't be here if she hadn't relieved me."
Alton was in quite a mood today. He never smarted off to her. Much more and she'd put him in his place. He seemed to take being her right-hand man and lover for granted. "What did you find? Bryan thinks we need to wait a while to invade."
"Yeah, he's right. They're expecting something, so they're on guard. We need to give them a chance to grow complacent. If they think they're safe, then they'll lighten up on patrols. Right now they've got people camping in the perimeter." He pitched the SD card from the camera onto her desk. "They're doing something weird. Two of them killed a couple of those creatures, took some blood, I think. And they cut off their skulls and took the
brains out."
Vixen frowned. "What is Reginald up to out there?" Were they devising some sort of bioweapon for anyone who tried to breach the compound?
"Not sure. What was Reginald before this happened."
"I don't know."
"Maybe he's some sort of scientist."
"Right." Vixen scoffed. "The man wasn't that smart. He was nothing but a mean, evil person. I doubt he ever worked a day in his life. He struck me as the sort who existed on family money."
Alton frowned.
"Shower and rest for a while, then Marguerite will fix you a good meal. Once you're back to normal, head back out and relieve Daniel. I'm hesitant to have you away for long. You know you're the only person I trust to do this right."
He leaned across the desk and kissed her. "I'll be home sleeping. If you get bored, come join me."
Vixen inserted the SD card into the computer slot and retrieved the photos he'd taken. The black-haired woman was prominent in all of them. She seemed to be a leader of sorts. She and the blond man spent a lot of time together.
The next shot was of the same two climbing into a Porsche. They couldn't be scavenging. Not in that thing. In another photo, a black woman with dogs had joined the group. Were they out recruiting new people? If they continued to grow their numbers, it would make things difficult. Vixen slammed her hand against the desk. She only had eighty or so people of fighting age. Time to rectify that. She stormed out of her office. Jose was sweeping the walk-in front of her office. She grabbed his arm. "I have a job for you."
"Yes, ma'am?"
"We need survivors. Grab one of the others and go hunt for survivors to join us. The more people we can recruit, the better. If we don't grow our numbers, we won't be successful in saving Mary Anne and capturing the land for ourselves. Just make sure they'll fit in with us."
Chapter 10
Reginald's muscles quivered as he sought out his wife. He was insane for even thinking of asking this. It was too much, but if they had Gabriele's help, the research would go much faster. The woman was brilliant and had helped develop the original virus.
He walked into the kitchen. Mary Anne stood at the counter bagging deer jerky. Such an incredible woman. He'd been a fool falling for a silly young thing like Gabriele when he had this fierce, strong woman at home. "Honey, do you have a second?"
She spun around and laughed. "I didn't even hear you. Ethan made a bunch of jerky, and I was bagging up some for Randi. Maybe she'll eat it since the aroma's not as strong as it is in the cooked food."
"She's still not eating?" If Randi went down, they'd lose one of their main people.
"Enough to stay kind of strong, but she's still losing weight. Ethan's trying to figure out ways to get her to eat a little more. He's worried about her. So am I."
Reginald slipped his arms around her. "You're awesome."
"You wanted to talk?" She dropped a kiss on his cheek. "What about?"
"Miguel and I are about to start to work in the lab. Cooper's offered to help as our research assistant."
Mary Anne raised her eyebrow. "And you want that woman to work with you, don't you?"
"It's not what you think. I know I was an idiot where she was concerned, but she's here, now. She helped develop this plague, the least she can do is help as we try to find a way to reverse it. If it makes you feel better, she and I will never be alone. I'll make sure of it."
"Have Mark and Cooper move one of the extra beds into the basement and move her there. She can use that bathroom. It'll get her out of Randi's hair." Mary Anne clasped his hands in hers. "I'm choosing to trust you, but if anything happens, I'm done. I won't give you a third chance."
Reginald pulled her close and kissed her for a long while. "You're more woman than I deserve. I don't know what I ever saw in Gabriele. She's fluff while you're the stuff lifetime dreams are made of."
Mary Anne stared at him for a few seconds, then laughed again. "I love you, but please don't ever take up poetry writing."
He went into the living room. Miguel sat on the sofa pouring over some type of medical book that Randi and Josh brought back. "You ready to get to work?"
"Sure."
"First, I need a couple of you to move an unused bed into the basement."
"Cooper's taking a nap and told me to wake him as soon as we started to work. He's serious about helping us. I'll get him, and we'll take care of moving the bed."
Miguel disappeared into the hallway and a few minutes later, he and Cooper returned with a twin mattress.
Reginald followed Cooper and Miguel downstairs. They set the bed on the floor and laid the folded linens on top. "Cooper, head into the lab and boot up the computers." Reginald turned to Miguel. "Come with me. We need to talk to Gabriele about helping us. She had a part in developing this virus, so she needs to do her part in trying to find a way out." They walked to the RV, and he opened the door. The smell of acetone took his breath away.
Gabriele sat at the table in the RV with napkins, nail polish remover, and an open bottle of red fingernail polish. She dragged the paintbrush over her finger in one swipe. How could he have ever thought she was anything but shallow? She looked up. Her face turned pink. She jumped up, ran to Reginald, and wrapped her arms around him.
He untwined her arms from his neck. "Stop."
"But you do not want to see me?"
"No, I want to put you to work."
"That fiend, Randi, has made me work until my hands are dry and my nails are...how do you say? Brittle."
"Watch it. You're talking about my sister." Miguel jabbed a finger into the air and glared at her. "The rest of us are working multiple jobs, and if you want to stay here, you're going to do your fair share. Starting today, you're moving into the basement and going to help us process the tissue and blood. Gather your things and come on. We're going to allow Randi some peace."
Gabriele looked from Miguel to Reginald. "My love, are you allowing this man to talk to me in such a harsh manner?"
"Gabriele, we need to go to work. Grab your belongings and come on."
She pointed a finger at Miguel. "His sister moved my things to the toilet."
They walked out and Miguel went into the tent housing the toilet. He came out with a load. "Reg, you and Gabriele will need to carry some, too. She's got way too much stuff."
Reginald dropped Gabriele's stuff in the basement by her bed. They'd stashed it behind the shelves that held all of their extra supplies. "After we process the tissue we have in the cooler, you can organize this junk, but we need to get to work." He spun on his heel and headed into the lab. The woman was insufferable, but so beautiful. Funny the difference in Gabriele and Mary Anne. When the apocalypse hit, his wife grew stronger, but his young lover hadn't changed. She was still clingy and needy. Maybe he'd wanted someone who was broken.
They walked in and Cooper glanced up. "I've got the computers up. The network Mark set up works great." He grinned. "Your nephew's my new hero. He can do anything. Evidently, he found an external hard drive in the mess of stuff they brought back and it's connected to our network. When you save a file, it will go there. If that makes any sense?"
Miguel grabbed one of the laptops and began clicking. "Have you had time to familiarize yourself with the software?"
Cooper stretched. "Yep. Software generally comes pretty easy for me."
"Great. Let's get busy." Reginald pulled a hazmat suit off the rack and slipped into it. "Cooper, I know you're just assisting us, but you have to wear the full hazmat suit, too. We aren't taking any chances of having another incident like the one with Candy and Grissom.
Josh walked across the hard-packed ground. A chill blew through the air and gray clouds hung low in the sky. Nia waved from the ATV barn. He smiled and approached the large double doors. "Since this is your first time to make rounds, we'll take an ATV that seats four. That way we can ride together, and I'll explain what we look for as we drive around."
"Sounds good to me."
They drove al
ong the back area, and Josh pointed to the area beyond the fences. Trees dotted the landscape. Some were barren, but the evergreen trees were full and fragrant. He could almost detect the faint honey scent of the Sumac. Or was that his imagination? It was a little late for it to bloom. "We rarely see infected on this side. Maybe because of the steep hill on the other side of the river, or because of the river itself, but we've only had one or two."
She watched the hills. "Do you have night vision glasses for making rounds after dark?"
"Yes. We have sets in each of the towers. I usually grab a pair before I make night rounds. If someone's watching, and they're smart, they are camped up in the hills here."
"I agree. It would be too easy to spot them in the other areas."
"Randi thought she saw glass glinting in the front. We searched and didn't find any evidence. Of course, if there was anyone else watching, they might have notified them that we were heading their way."
They drove in silence for a while. Josh rolled his shoulders and prayed Randi was wrong about a group attacking.
"Is Randi okay?"
"Depends on what you mean." Josh rolled his shoulders. "Physically, she's okay, but she holds her emotions in and won't talk to anyone."
"She and I were really close all through school but drifted apart when she got out of the military. She had changed when she came back."
"It does that to you."
Nia rubbed her hands down her jeans. "But is she okay? I'm not trying to gossip, but I'm worried about my friend. She seems damaged. I can't tell you how much weight she's lost. She used to be a tad chunky. I know some of it is muscle, but she comes across as fragile."
"She doesn't talk much. Not about anything important, anyway." Josh squeezed Nia's hand. "Maybe you can get her to open up. Miguel and Cooper moved Gabriele out of the RV. You could talk to Randi about moving in there. Maybe if y'all are together..." He grew silent and watched Nia for a reaction.
Dark Days (Book 2): Inquisition Page 9
