‘Right,’ I said, ‘if unable to escape itself in a thousand seconds, it will recombine with enough energy to take out a third of the city.’
They stared at me, horrified at the suggestion.
‘How long is a thousand seconds?’
‘Sixteen minutes and forty seconds.’
I looked at my watch. It was eleven minutes past. If the Quarkbeast divided when the surge ended, we had less than five minutes. We looked around. Most of the south of the city would be taken out and, with it, King Snodd and all his family, half the police, most of the Imperial Guard, all the spectators – and us. Blix would be taking cover somewhere out of the blast radius.
‘No witnesses,’ said Moobin, ‘and no one to refute whatever version of events King Blix decided on – he could blame it on anything he chose.’
‘We need to find a locked room within fifty metres of the royal box,’ I muttered. ‘Wait here.’
I ran across to where Lord Tenbury was standing, presumably wondering whether the King was serious about stuffing him and Blix with sawdust if they lost. I explained as briefly as I could what was up, and Tenbury, eager to regain the King’s trust, immediately ordered the Royal Family’s evacuation, then returned to us to see how he could help. He may have been corrupt, but he was no coward.
‘Where do we start?’ asked Moobin. ‘There must be hundreds of rooms big enough to hide two equal but identically opposite Quarkbeasts.’
As we looked about, wasting time, word was getting about that something was up – the hurried way in which the Royal Family were removed most probably, and then the Imperial Guard themselves, who had a reputation for running from danger wherever it presented itself. In any event, the crowd began to grow restless, and when those in the expensive seats started to move away with their jewellery rattling in a panicked fashion, those in the cheaper seats also decided to make a run for it.
I looked around to see where a Quarkbeast might be hidden, but then a notion drifted into my head. I told Moobin straight away.
‘Perkins is imprisoned with the Quarkbeast!’
‘You know this or you think this? We don’t have time to make a mistake.’
I had to make a swift judgement call. Half of Hereford and thousands of lives depended upon it.
‘I know this,’ I said, taking a deep breath, ‘because it’s an odd notion that popped uninvited into my head. And if Perkins has any particular skill, it’s that of seeding ideas. I think he might be trying to communicate with me.’
I closed my eyes and tried to empty my mind, which was difficult as the mass exit of spectators made something of a noise as the panic increased.
‘Moobin,’ I said, ‘I need you to take out all my senses.’
He pointed his finger at me and in an instant everything went empty. It was as though I had fallen into an empty space within myself that had nothing in it but time, thoughts, smells and the deep red of the sky at dawn. It was extraordinarily peaceful, and without the distraction of overwhelming sensory input I felt unusually clear headed. At first I could sense nothing except the jumble of my own thoughts firing across my mind and the smell of bacon and Irish stew, but after a moment or two I forced these to one side and, all of a sudden, there was a small voice on the very edge of my conscious mind, where the froth of random thoughts meets free will. It was Perkins, and he was sending me ideas. But he wasn’t that good at it, and seemed to be coming across like a greetings telegram, and what’s more, one that was badly spelled.
. . . WEST OF SNOOD BLVD SELLAR ++ KWARKBEAST DIVIDED ++
EXPLOD EMMENINT ++ THREE STEPS DOUN ++ STILL WANT DATE? ++
REPEAT SNOOD BLVD SELLAR ++ KWARKBEAST . . .
And so it went on, repeating itself. I listened to it three times, each time spelt differently, until Moobin brought me back to the world of heat, light and sound just as Once Magnificent Boo and Tiger turned up in the Quarkbeast containment vehicle. I related what I’d heard as my watch passed thirteen minutes – three minutes to go.
‘Anyone who wants to head for safety has to leave now,’ I said. ‘No one will think any the worse of you for it.’
No one made a move. Not even Lord Tenbury.
‘Right,’ I said, ‘follow me.’
Snodd Boulevard ran from the cathedral to the north end of the bridge, and after a hurried search we found a house that had three steps down to a green-painted cellar door. It was locked but Patrick pulled it off its hinges with a powerful flourish of his bruised hands and we hurried in to find ourselves in a long corridor with doors on either side, all locked.
‘Where now?’ asked Tiger as our final minute began to tick away.
‘Doorknobs,’ growled Boo, ‘find the warm one.’
It was Moobin who found the correct room, and when Patrick had once again torn the door from its hinges we found a small paint store with a vaulted ceiling and a single window high up in the end wall. Perkins was lying cuffed, bound and gagged near the doorway, and at the far end of the chamber were two equal but opposite Quarkbeasts.
One of them was the one I had seen around town earlier, but the other was mine – the one I had lost up on the Dragonlands. Every detail was the same: the sixth thoracic scale slightly askew, the right front dew claw missing, and even the single white foot. My Quarkbeast was back. I took all this in on that first glance, and also noted a high-pitched hum in the air. But another and much more pertinent fact trumped all others for my attention: the Quarkbeasts were almost touching. Our thousand seconds were up.
‘Still!’ said Boo, and we all froze. The low hum rose in pitch as the Quarkbeasts moved closer to one another, increasing again to a whine as they nearly touched, then dropping again as they moved a few inches apart. This was the Song of the Quarkbeast. Those that have heard it are now little more than dust. But if I was to die, then I was glad to have heard it. It was a lonely song. One of lament, of unknown knowledge, a song of resignation, and of love and poetry given and received. The small movements that the Quarkbeasts made as they padded around one another altered the hum so subtly that it sounded like an alto bassoon, but with one single note, infinitely variable. But it wasn’t a song of peace, love or happiness; it was a requiem mass – for all of us.
We all stood stock still. No one dared move in case the Quarks became startled and recombined either through fear, mischief or boredom.
I said the first thing that came into my head.
‘Hello, boy.’
The new Quarkbeast turned to look at me and its mauve eyes flashed a sense of recognition. It looked at its partner, then at me again.
‘I still have much to do,’ I said softly. ‘Adventures. Wonderful adventures. And I’m not sure I can do them without you.’
It wagged its tail to show it understood, but remained undecided, and the low hum rose again in pitch as the other Quarkbeast paced around it.
‘Walkies,’ said Tiger, speaking from outside in the corridor. The Quarkbeast recognised his voice, too, and, eager to drag Tiger around the neighbourhood once again, it gave one final look at its partner and padded past us to where Tiger was waiting.
Almost immediately the low hum in the air stopped, and Once Magnificent Boo moved cautiously forward with some aluminium-coated zinc treats with which to tempt the other Quarkbeast.
‘Welcome back,’ I said.
‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast.
Within a few short moments Boo had steered the original Quarkbeast from the room and into the riveted titanium crate for onward transportation to Australia.
I untied Perkins, who gave me an awkward hug and thanked me for tuning into his thoughts.
‘Hey,’ I said with a smile, ‘what girl doesn’t like being thought about?’
I had a sudden thought.
‘By the way, did I detect you thinking about asking me out for a date while you were directing us to you?’
‘I couldn’t help it,’ said Perkins, looking somewhat embarrassed. ‘Maybe the idea of sharing a Potage Jojolie at
the dreary-chic Dungeon Rooms helped me forget that I was about to be annihilated.’
‘In that case,’ I said, ‘I guess you’d better book us a table.’
We walked out into the daylight and back the short distance to the north abutment, where the unfinished bridge lay before us. The iMagic team had fled the scene, and of the crowds, only the fearless, stupid and asleep remained. The live leader board still displayed the final odds – 100:1 in favour of Kazam.
We jumped as from behind us there was an explosive report and a flaming figure was shot high in the air. It was Jimmy ‘Daredevil’ Nuttjob, performing his half-time act. He arced high above our heads trailing smoke as he went, and disappointingly managed only to get as far as ‘God save the . . .’ before landing with a splash and a hiss in the river. We clapped dutifully as he surfaced, coughing and spluttering.
We sat for a while gathering our thoughts until the Lord Chief Adviser strode up, ten minutes later.
‘Recent events have changed His Majesty’s mood,’ he said. ‘Ex-Court Mystician Blix is wanted for high treason along with his accomplice Colonel Bloch-Draine, and I am directed to proclaim in His Majesty’s name that you are the winners of the contest.’
We looked at one another. We were all tired and bruised. Somehow jumping around and punching the air seemed inappropriate, given that we had been just ten seconds from dark eternity.
‘What about the others?’ said Moobin.
The Lord Chief Adviser took a deep breath.
‘In addition, I will have the Price brothers released immediately, and all charges are to be dropped. I will be making a full and truthful account of your exploits to His Majesty forthwith, and will recommend that the position of Court Mystician be transferred from Mr Blix to a sorcerer of Kazam’s choosing. In addition, I have known His Majesty a long time, and I foresee medals. Lots of them. Probably big and very shiny.’
‘I have a better idea,’ said the Wizard Moobin. ‘We don’t want the the job of Court Mystician and we certainly don’t want medals. We want to be left alone to pursue the Great Zambini’s stated goal to use magic for the good of mankind. We don’t want special favours, we simply want justice.’
‘I’ll see that you get it.’
‘Do that. And remember: we don’t respond well to being double-crossed.’
‘We also require immunity,’ I said, always thinking of my paperwork, ‘from prosecution for all spells undertaken today, by whomsoever.’
Lord Tenbury was in no position to do deals. We could have asked for a pink elephant each – and got it.
‘Leave it with me,’ he said, and bowed low before departing.
We stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. Blix could be anywhere by now, and although a nationwide arrest warrant would be able to bring him back to Snodd to stand trial, he wouldn’t allow himself to be found. When you’re a sorcerer of Blix’s power, staying hidden is easy.
‘How about some lunch?’ I announced in a cheery voice. ‘Once Magnificent Boo? Will you join us?’
Boo grumbled for a moment, but after I pointed out that she was one Quarkbeast closer to enlightenment thanks to us, she shrugged and agreed to come along – so long as we didn’t mention the M-word in her company.
Lunch at last
The surge had not left the sorcerers unharmed. Most had severe bruising to their fingers and an outbreak of warts, but six suffered passive spelling. The mildest was simply a case of migrated ear,[44] while the worst was Francesca Derwent, who spent the next two weeks as a cod. She recovered fully, aside from a tendency to gape a little too much, and have eyes that were just a teeny weeny bit close to the side of her head for comfort.
We could sense the air of excitement long before we walked into the dining room at Zambini Towers, and were met with a roar of applause, and a standing ovation for Patrick and Moobin. By directing the excess energy efficiently, they had done very little damage, and none of it permanent.[45]
For all the retired sorcerers it was the first piece of truly practical magic they had committed outside the Towers’ walls for several decades. Almost all recognised Once Magnificent Boo, and although sulky and reticent to begin with, she soon moved from utter silence to monosyllables, which was a step forward. I knew I could never persuade her to move to Zambini Towers, but her magicozoology expertise would be invaluable in the future.
The Price brothers turned up in time for pudding, straight out of prison and eager to know how it all turned out. They were almost immediately set upon by Boo, who demanded to know whether any Quarkbeasts were harmed in their Cambrian thermowizidrical detonation tests in the eighties, and the Prices, while unwilling to explain their methodology for obvious reasons, were happy to confirm that no Quarkbeasts were harmed in any way.
‘Okay,’ said Boo.
‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast in a relieved tone.
After that was settled, the Wizard Moobin made a speech, and directed several positive comments towards my conduct which made me blush and stare at the cutlery. Tiger and Perkins were mentioned, and we held a minute’s silence for the no longer Transient Moose, and welcomed the Quarkbeast back into the fold.
And that was when Samantha Flynt appeared at the door of the dining room. There was a sudden hush as everyone stared at her. She looked as though she had been crying and was every bit as annoyingly pretty and perfect close up as she was from a distance.
‘Are you staring because she’s so lovely?’ I said to Perkins.
‘Not at all,’ he replied unconvincingly, ‘it’s because I didn’t expect to see her here.’
She was invited in and offered a seat and some food, which, after we explained was always this bad, she accepted gratefully.
‘I’m sorry,’ she sniffed, ‘but I didn’t know where to go.’
‘There, there,’ said Moobin, offering her his handkerchief.
She explained that Blix had helped snare the Quarkbeast, but didn’t know the details of Blix’s attempt to seize power, nor where he was now. The colonel, apparently, would have been made Lord Chief Adviser.
‘Can I stay?’ she said, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.
‘Absolutely, my dear,’ said Moobin.
‘Samantha Flynt is very pretty, isn’t she?’ said Kevin Zipp in a dreamy manner once she had left the table to go to the bathroom.
‘I thought that a bit, at first,’ replied Perkins, glancing at me, ‘but not any more.’
We listened for a moment as Moobin tried to describe what it was like to suddenly be on the receiving end of more crackle than it was safe to handle.
‘I was lucky to have Patrick with me,’ he said. ‘If I’d had to offload all that power on my own I wouldn’t be here now.’
We all nodded sagely and I turned back to Perkins.
‘Close thing, wasn’t it?’
‘It was worth it to hear the Song of the Quarkbeast.’
‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast, who was under the table, chewing on a saucepan.
‘I don’t think we should hear it again,’ I mused. ‘Twice would be pushing our luck. Listen, I’m sorry for sending you to Blix. I didn’t know he’d see through you so easily.’
‘That was my fault,’ he said cheerily. ‘It was all going well until he found me rifling through his filing cabinet. I should have locked the door. I’m new to all this cloak-and-dagger stuff. He realised what I was there for, and in a twinkling reduced all his records to rice pudding to avoid further scrutiny.’
This was disappointing.
‘I guess we’ll never know about Vision BO55, then.’
‘Oh, I found that out,’ said Perkins. ‘Blix caught me after I read it.’
Tiger and I stared at him. Even the Quarkbeast looked interested, and Moobin, whom we had quickly brought up to speed on events while he was away in jail, was keen to know more.
‘The vision was nothing specific,’ said Perkins. ‘It just stated that Blix’s wife would be greater and more powerful than he, and ultima
tely the agent of his downfall.’
‘He’s not married,’ said Full Price. ‘Sorcerers rarely are. So what does it relate to?’
We all looked at Kevin Zipp for an answer.
‘Search me,’ he said. ‘It wasn’t my vision, anyway – it was Sister Yolanda’s. But if she says he’s married, then I suppose he will be – or was, or is.’
We mused on this for a moment. Sister Yolanda was usually right, but without Blix here to question, it would have to remain a mystery.
‘Look,’ I said, ‘Dame Corby.’
She was standing at the door as self-conscious as a latecomer to their own party. Standing with her was Tchango Muttney, who was only there because of no better option, and next to them both, Samantha.
‘She doesn’t look as though the ants obey her,’ said Tiger, commenting on Dame Corby’s appearance, which was that of a rather small, ineffective-looking woman, who didn’t like to look anyone in the eye.
‘iMagic is finished, the traitor Blix has fled,’ announced Dame Corby in a resigned voice. ‘We humbly beg to join your establishment in whatever capacity you think fit.’
She looked at Tchango, who nodded, utterly humiliated.
It was embarrassing for us, too, to hear a licensed sorcerer beg in this manner. It also proved what we had thought for some time: that Dame Corby’s shares in the family trouser-press business were not doing as well as she had boasted.
‘You are welcome here,’ said Moobin as he strode forward to greet them in the traditional manner, ‘but your status and duties will be decided by a committee led by our acting manager.’
Moobin introduced them and they shook my hand in a doubtful manner. I knew for a fact that Blix had referred to me as ‘that upstart foundling’ and it looked as if they shared the sentiment.
‘I have heard great things about you,’ said Dame Corby in a voice taut with forced politeness.
‘I too,’ said Tchango.
‘I’m Samantha Flynt,’ said Samantha in a breezy tone, giving me her hand to shake, ‘but it’s pronounced without the first “A”.’
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