“Yes.”
He gets up and goes over to the window, pushing both hands back through his hair as he walks. But he doesn’t say anything, he stays silent.
“He didn’t come back to New York because he wants me back, Evan. He doesn’t. We’re history. And yes, I still love him, because three months isn’t nearly enough time for me to get over what he did to me – and I’m assuming you know what he did to me? You found that out too, right?”
He turns around and he looks at me, and again he stays silent but his eyes tell me that, yeah, he knows what Mike did to me.
“I still love him, but he hurt me. A lot.”
He leans back against the window and folds his arms. “And I’m your escape. Your distraction.” He’s not asking a question, he’s making a statement.
“We both have our reasons for doing this.” I just didn’t expect him to find out what mine was, even though I want to know what his are. I get up and walk slowly over to him. “I need this, Evan. I didn’t think I did, I thought I could fix this on my own, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I want to.”
“He can’t know, Lola. About our arrangement. It’s too close to home, he can’t ever find out.”
“You still want this?”
“I still want you.”
He reaches out and tucks his fingers into the waistband of my cut-offs, pulling me closer, and I know this mess we created has only gotten bigger now, but I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. I’m still in love with Mike, and I need Evan to make that go away; to stop me from hurting, from wanting something I can’t have anymore.
“Is this going to affect his junior partnership?”
He slides his hand into the small of my back, up under my T-shirt, and the second he touches my skin I shudder, he does that to me, he makes that happen, and I like it. I need it.
“No. Nothing changes at work, Lola. Everything stays exactly the same.”
And I know why he’s doing that, why he doesn’t want things to change with Mike. I know this man now, even though I’ve only been with him a few days. He wants to keep Mike close, so he can keep watching us, and I don’t know how I feel about that. He seems to think everything stays the same after this, but I think everything’s changing.
“Maybe you should go now,” I whisper as I run my fingers down over the front of his shirt, my eyes following their every move.
“I’m not going anywhere yet.”
I look up, and the expression on his face, I can’t read it. He can read me, but I can’t do the same, he’s a confusing man.
“I’m staying, Lola. I’m not done with you yet.”
“This works both ways, remember? What if I want you to go?”
“And what are you gonna do then? If I go? Curl up on the couch and wish he was with you? Where is he, Lola? Do you know, huh? It’s Friday night, after all, he’s a good looking young man, and let’s face it, he’s single now, isn’t he?”
I can’t stop it, the slap across his face is hard and fast and I don’t regret it, he deserved that. And he turns his head slowly, a slight smirk on his face and I raise my hand again but he’s too quick for me this time. He grabs my wrist and pushes me back against the wall, his mouth slamming down onto mine as his other hand unzips my cut-offs, roughly yanking them down, and I’m almost sick to my stomach at how turned on I am right now; how much I want him.
He’s kissing me hard and fast, and he lifts me up and I willingly wrap myself around him. I take him again; let him fuck me and make me his property, and I know what he’s doing. I tell him I love Mike, and he’s threatened. He needs to make a point, needs to show me where my loyalties have to lie and I’m listening. I’m getting the message, and it’s okay.
Evan King got to me first.
Evan King holds the power.
I don’t think I ever stood a chance…
Eleven
Lola
I spent most of Saturday looking for a place of my own, on my own. After Mike jilted me I moved out of my apartment, staying there was too painful. It held too many memories, because he’d lived there with me for almost two years. It became our place, and it never really stopped being that so I had to move out. I had to let it go. But now I think I’m ready to start again, on my own, and I’ve seen a couple of apartments not too far from the Cavendish King offices that I think I can afford, thanks to the generous rise in pay I’ve gained with my new job. Which is why I need to keep it, why I need to play by Evan King’s rules. The only reason? I try not to think too much about that.
“Is he coming, Kat?”
I didn’t want this party, but Kat can be very persuasive when she wants to be and in the end it was easier to just give in and pretend I was okay with it, even though I’m not. I’m really not in the party mood.
“I don’t know. Eric hasn’t seen all that much of him since he came back to New York, and he wasn’t home last night, so…”
My stomach sinks when she says that, and Evan’s words play out in my head like a cruel taunt. Was he right? Was Mike out there, celebrating his new job, his new life? Was he looking for someone to help him get over this unexpected hurdle we’ve both been faced with? And then I realize the irony of my thinking. I don’t like the idea of him finding someone else to help him get over me, but it’s okay for me to sleep with my boss as a way of getting over him. Yeah. This really is one hell of a mess.
“Lola?”
“What?”
“Did you hear me?”
“Hmm? Yeah. Yeah, I heard.”
“You gonna be okay if he does turn up tonight?”
“Of course I’m going to be okay.”
“Well, in that case, could you tell your face to at least try and look as if it’s having a good time?”
I poke my tongue out at her and she reciprocates, and then she hands me a large glass of wine.
“Drink this, stop hanging around the kitchen, and get out there and enjoy yourself. This party’s for you, remember?”
“A party I didn’t ask for and still don’t want.”
“Stop being ungrateful.”
“I hate you sometimes.”
“Right back at ya, missy.”
She winks at me before spinning me around and gently nudging me in the direction of the living room. And the first person I see is him. He’s here, leaning back against the wall with a beer in his hand, his head down slightly. And I just look at him. My beautiful man. And the pain, I can’t stop it from tearing through me, but I can’t look away. He’s dressed in slightly battered jeans, a dark shirt, sleeves rolled up as usual, and his favorite red converse, his dirty-blonde hair just that little bit messed up. The way I like it. The way I used to do it for him, with just a tiny bit of product that I’d run through his hair on my fingertips.
I take a sip of wine and I finally look away. I don’t want him to see me just yet. The apartment’s full but not over-crowded, and thankfully our neighbors are also our friends so they’re all here, and we don’t have to worry about the music being too loud or the noise levels rising. The atmosphere’s nice and relaxed. We’re not kids, this isn’t some crazy, alcohol-fuelled house party, it’s more grown-up than that. But it’s still a party. There’s still music and food and lots of loud chatter, and I’m still not really in the mood. It’s been a strange week. And I haven’t got my head around everything that’s happened yet.
I walk over to the window and look outside. A few of our friends are out on the sidewalk, the ones who smoke. And I watch as they laugh and act like everything’s okay in their world, which it probably is. But mine – mine’s just a little bit fucked up right now.
“Hey.”
I swing around so fast I almost lose my balance, and he quickly grabs my arm to steady me, his handsome face breaking into a smile.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. You must’ve been miles away.”
I look at him, and I shake my head. “No. I wasn’t.”
“You okay with me being here?”
“You sure about that? I mean, Eric didn’t jilt you at the altar, did he?”
I swallow hard, and my eyes meet his, and he isn’t breaking that stare in a hurry. “No. He didn’t. And why are you doing this, Mike? Why are you saying that?”
“Because we need to talk about it, Lola, and you don’t seem to want to.”
“For three months I wanted to, Mike, but you were nowhere to be found.”
“I’m sorry, I... I don’t know what else to say…”
“Sorry will never be good enough. That one word can never be good enough.”
“If it’s any consolation, all our friends are on your side. I’m a bastard, and they’re not tiring of telling me that.”
“Because they lived through the aftermath with me. You got the easy bit.”
“You think it was easy? Making that decision?”
“You want sympathy now? Jesus…”
“Okay. Okay, I handled it wrong…”
“You think?”
He looks at me, and despite everything I just want him to hold me, to tell me it’s all going to be all right, that he’s back, and it’s all going to be all right now. But that’s just the deluded, love struck teenager in me coming out, when I need to be the grown-up I’m supposed to be. I fell for a younger man. He got scared of commitment to a slightly older woman. I can’t change that or fight it or make him love me again. Oh, God, I need Evan. I need him so much right now.
“I loved you, Lola, and I don’t want you to ever doubt that. I just couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle the pressure. I couldn’t handle those feelings you created in me, I got scared.”
“We all get scared, Mike. But we don’t all run.”
“I know that now. What I did, all of it…” He briefly drops his gaze then raises his head and his eyes meet mine again. “I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what you want me to do.”
“I don’t want you to hurt me anymore. And you’re hurting me, by being here. But I can’t control that, and I don’t want you to go. I’m not that kind of woman. You’re starting a new life, you’re moving on…”
“Who says I’m moving on?”
I stare at him, and then I look down at the beer in his hand. “You’ve been drinking. And I think we just need to take this night for what it is…”
“I’m not drunk, Lola. This is my first beer, and this is my first chance to talk to you properly…”
“You had three months to talk to me, Mike.”
He throws back his head and sighs, and I’m done here.
“Three months. And for every week, every day, every fucking minute of every one of those months I was waiting for you, and you never fucking came so don’t stand there and tell me this is your first chance to talk to me properly. You had plenty of chances. You just didn’t take any of them.”
I push past him and go back into the kitchen.
“What are you doing back in here?” Kat gasps as I head for the fridge.
“This is where the drinks are, aren’t they?”
She frowns. “Still not in the party mood then.”
“You’ve seen Mike, huh?” Eric asks, wrapping his arms around Kat from behind.
I just look at him. He knows the answer to that question.
“Why don’t you just talk to him, Lola?”
“Because every time we talk we end up fighting, Kat. Like now. It’s just happened now.” I grab a beer, rip off the top and lean back against the counter to drink it. “Okay. I was fighting, he was calm, but I just can’t forgive him. I can’t.” I look at Eric and I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Eric. I know he’s your brother, but I can’t do it.”
“Hey, I understand, all right? He hurt you, he acted like a grade A prick…”
“Thanks, bro.”
We all turn to see Mike standing in the doorway. And my heart breaks all over again, I’m not sure how much more it can take.
“Truth hurts, kid. Come on, Kat. Let’s leave these two alone.”
I don’t argue. Truth be told I’m too tired for that now.
Mike waits until Kat and Eric have left before he comes over, leaning back against the counter beside me. “This isn’t gonna work, me and you, at Cavendish King, if we don’t try and make it work.”
I turn my head to look at him. “I thought that’s what we were doing – making it work.”
He drops his gaze and scuffs the heel of his Converse against the cupboard door, another habit of his, when he’s nervous or anxious. “I said I loved you, Lola, but that wasn’t entirely true.”
I feel my stomach twist itself up into another tight and painful knot, and I can’t look at him.
“It’s not true, because I still love you. All the time I was away – I tried to forget how I felt about you; I tried to push it to one side because I was still shit-scared of marriage…”
“You should’ve told me, Mike.”
“I know. I know that, now, because all I’ve done is create a bigger mess but… I tried, Lola. And when I got back here, to New York, I thought this place might help me, y’know? A new job – a junior partnership – that was gonna keep me busy, take my mind off everything and I assumed you’d be trying to do the same…”
“I was.”
I look at him, and his eyes burn into mine. “When I saw you, at Cavendish King, I couldn’t do it anymore, Lola. I still love you, I never fucking stopped… We should be married now, baby. We should be living our life, together, and I destroyed all of that. I killed our future.”
I look down, and I close my eyes and I wish he’d been a stronger man. I wish I was the stronger woman I thought I was, but I don’t think I am, not really. Not right now. Because I’m not at work now. I’m not with Evan. At work, with Evan, I’m not the weak woman I am when I’m alone with Mike.
“I was always gonna come and find you, Lola.”
I raise my gaze and my eyes meet his. “When, Mike? When, exactly, were you going to come and find me? What did you think was an appropriate period of time to leave me hanging, huh?”
“I had to go back to Toronto, had to get out of here, away from everything… I had to get my fucked up head together, sort my shit out and you… You deserved better than the crap I put you through.”
I’m not going to tell him I never stopped loving him either. I’m not going to do that, I’m not going to leave myself open to more pain, I’m not going there again. But he’s here, he’s right beside me and he’s telling me he still loves me, and all I can think of are the endless days and painful nights I lay awake praying I’d hear him say those words again. And now that he’s actually saying them…
He puts his beer down and takes mine from me, placing it on the counter behind us, and for some reason my first reaction is to back away from him. I don’t know if I want him to touch me or not, I’m not sure how that’s going to turn out, if he touches me. And he senses my reluctance, because he pulls his hand back, shoves it in his pocket, and I don’t know what to do now. I hadn’t planned for this, I didn’t know when or if I’d ever see him again, so I’m a little lost here. And I don’t like the feeling. I have no control over this, but with Evan – with Evan I have control. I can handle him; I can handle that situation. I’m not sure I can handle this.
And then I feel him, that momentary lapse of concentration on my part gave him the opportunity he needed to try again, and the second his hand touches my face he’s got me. I’m in his arms, he’s pulling me against him and he’s kissing me, and I just want the rest of the world to shut down and go away now; to leave us alone.
I slide my fingers into his hair, press my body against his, and the kiss grows in intensity, his mouth almost crushing mine but I need to feel that pain to know that he’s real, that he’s here. That he’s back.
“We’re leaving,” he murmurs, grabbing my hand and dragging me out of the kitchen, through the crowded living room and out into the hall. And as soon
as we’re alone he pushes me back against the wall, and he kisses me again, a little lighter this time. A little softer. And all I know is his hand is holding mine and his eyes are telling me he wants me and, Jesus, I want him too. And it might be a mistake, it probably is a mistake but I want him. God fucking help me.
“What are we doing, Mike?”
He smiles a small smile, his mouth turning up only slightly at the corners. “Getting our life back?”
I return his smile, and I don’t know if that’s what we are doing, I just know that, right now, in this moment, I’m going to embrace this weak side of me and run with whatever this is. Because I need to know.
He squeezes my hand and leans in to kiss me gently. “Why don’t we go back to Eric’s? I mean, him and Kat are here, which means his place is empty, so, why don’t we go have a party all of our own, huh?”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“Are we doing wise right now?”
I smile again, and again he squeezes my hand. “No. I don’t think we are.”
“Then let’s go.”
He starts to lead me down the hallway but I stop for a second. “Mike?”
He turns to face me, and he frowns slightly. “Yeah?”
“Are you sure about this?”
“I’m not sure about anything anymore, Lola. But I also know life’s too fucking short to dwell on shit.”
*
I open my eyes and look up at him as he lowers himself down over me, and I spread my legs a little wider as he lies between them, pulling them up and drawing them around him as his body rests against mine.
I unfurl my hand and I close my eyes as his fingers slide between mine, his lips brushing my collarbone and I arch my back and moan quietly because it feels so good. I’d never forgotten, not for one second, how he felt; how his body seemed to mold exactly against mine, fit me so perfectly. How soft his skin was. I never forgot any of it, but I wanted to. Maybe I should have done, but he’s back, and he’s reminding me of what I thought I’d lost.
Lawfully His (A Dirty Business Novel Book 1) Page 10
