“My office, Lola.”
That’s all Evan says to me before he strides off, and I wait a second before I follow him. I need that second to get my head together, to breathe in deep and hope and pray that this doesn’t get any more complicated than it already is.
Laying my bag down on my desk I switch on my laptop and take another deep breath before I go into Evan’s office.
“Close the door.” He’s standing behind his desk but he doesn’t look up when he speaks.
I move further inside, and my stomach is twisting itself up so tight it’s almost making me breathless. And then he looks up, and I feel like someone just kicked me hard in the gut.
“You’re back together.”
He’s not asking a question, but at least he’s looking at me now. But I can’t read him, can’t tell what he’s thinking, but that’s probably the lawyer in him. He can pull out the poker face at a moment’s notice.
“I couldn’t do it anymore, Evan. I’m sorry.”
“Just like that, huh?” He walks out from behind his desk, his hands in his pockets, his eyes never leaving mine. “You walked away from me on Saturday morning and by Saturday afternoon you’re back in his bed? I know he was here, at work, on Saturday. And I know you stopped by, you were here, and you left together, so…”
“Were you spying on me?”
“You told Frank you didn’t need him, so I assumed you’d decided not to view those apartments after all. And people saw you, Lola. You weren’t the only ones here on Saturday. So, am I right? Hmm? Did it happen that quickly?”
“There was nothing between us, Evan, so I don’t appreciate you making it sound like I cheated on you. We had an arrangement. And that’s all it ever was.”
“And now it’s over. Is that what you’re telling me?”
“What do you want me to say? I love him, okay? I love him. And I tried to pretend I didn’t, tried to convince myself that being with you would help me forget him but I was wrong. I was wrong. And I’m sorry.”
He turns away and walks over to the window, keeping his back to me. And I can see him breathe in deep, see his shoulders tense, then relax slightly. And I don’t know whether to feel confused or nervous.
“Look, Evan, if you want me to leave…”
He turns around and his eyes are back on mine. “No, Lola, I don’t want you to leave. I’m not gonna fire you, I’m not that kind of man. Not really. What I said…” He briefly drops his gaze, then raises his head and his expression is still stoic. “I’m not firing you. And I know… I know I can’t have you anymore, not like that, but I still need you out there. In here. I still need you, Lola.”
“I can go. If it makes this easier.”
“And people would only start asking questions. There’s no reason for you to leave, and I’ve just told you, I need you to stay.”
His tone is calmer now, less harsh, and I relax a little, too. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but I’m glad this is as bad as it’s hopefully going to get.
“Maybe it’s for the best, y’know?” I keep my eyes locked on his as I speak. “We’ve taken the danger away now. Because if we’d been caught…” I trail off, I stop talking because I felt like his change of expression was almost telling me to do that. So I leave that sentence unfinished.
“Are you happy, Lola?”
I frown, because that wasn’t a question I expected to hear from him. “Yes. I am.”
“Then that’s all that matters.”
I don’t say anything for a couple of beats, because these past couple of weeks have been frantic and confusing and so surreal that I’m still trying to get my head around most of it. I just know that Mike’s back, and I’m finally allowing myself to be happy about that.
“I really am sorry, Evan.”
“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for, Lola.”
“Maybe I didn’t handle everything the way I should’ve done.”
“Yeah, well, maybe we’re both to blame on that score.” He walks back behind his desk and that switch has been flicked; he’s back in business mode now. This conversation is over.
I make my way to the door but he doesn’t stop me. And when I turn my head and briefly glance over my shoulder his eyes are down and he’s busy looking through a hefty document. He’s moved on. It’s time for me to do the same.
Evan
She has no idea how painful that conversation was for me. To stand there and look at her, knowing I can’t have her anymore, it kills me. But I lost it. Jesus Christ, I was weak! It was my turn to be the coward when I backed down from telling her how I really felt, and I was going to do that, on Saturday, at the apartment. It’s not that I’m falling in love with her, or anything even close to that, but something was there, something that went way beyond the release and the fast fucks I wanted from her. In the beginning that’s all it was, all I’d ever intended it to be. But Mike Carrington coming back changed everything. Because seeing her with him, it kick-started something in me that I couldn’t ignore, and I tried, God help me I tried.
I was going to tell her that she was starting to mean something to me, that she was worth more than what we had. I wanted to be something more to her than just her arrogant boss who clicks his fingers and she drops her panties. I don’t do emotion, as a rule. It almost wrecked me once and I wasn’t open to giving it a second shot, not for anyone, least of all a woman who started out as a one-night stand. But she did something to me. She got inside my head, under my skin, and I was beginning to want her – need her for more than just a few, sordid minutes.
That apartment I offered her? I didn’t really want her to live in it. It was just a front, an excuse to get her alone to talk about the fact that I didn’t just want her in my building – I wanted her in my life. I wanted her to move in with me, yeah, she’s got me making rash, impulsive decisions but I’d started to feel alive, outside of this job, which very rarely happens. And it was a feeling I was getting used to.
Maybe we could’ve had something, if I’d just been brave enough to get past my own shit and tell her. Maybe she’d have wanted to give it a try, I don’t know, how can I know now? I blew it. I lost my chance, I threw it away; I gave her back to him. Should I have got rid of Mike Carrington the second I found out who he was? It was never going to be that easy. It would’ve involved too many questions from Dana and every other partner in this firm. I could never have explained why I wanted him gone. And in the long run, would it have made any difference? Lola knew he was back. This was always going to happen. But it doesn’t make the inevitability any easier to take.
I told her I thought things were changing, and I was right. Things are changing, she was starting to change me. But maybe now I need to pull it back and look upon this as nothing more than a lucky escape. I don’t need the complications relationships can bring, I don’t have time in my life for that kind of shit.
I could’ve made time.
I could’ve loved her, if she’d given me the chance. I could’ve – maybe – found a way to do that. It could’ve happened. I’d wanted it to happen.
But maybe this is for the best.
I don’t want to fall in love. I need the edge being cold and emotionless can bring.
I need that.
I don’t need anything else getting in the way.
Twenty
Lola
I had absolutely no idea that Jess had organized this engagement party for me and Mike. I had no idea that she and Kat had put their heads together; that Dana had offered to pay for it to be held in one of New York’s swankiest hotels, it was a huge and lovely surprise. And as I cling onto Mike’s hand and look around the room I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier.
“You okay?” Mike leans right in to me as he whispers in my ear, and I shiver as his breath warms my skin.
“I’m fine. Just a little overwhelmed, that’s all.”
“Yeah, well, you’re playing with the big boys now, beautiful. Cavendish King is one of the big hitter
s, a top-tier law firm, and they don’t do things by halves.”
I look at him. “I’m a legal secretary, Mike.”
He pulls me into his arms and grins at me. “But you’re engaged to one of the firm’s hottest, most talented lawyers, and a junior partner to boot. You struck gold, Burrows.”
“Oh, you are picking up so much arrogance from Evan, do you know that?”
He cocks his head slightly. “Not a turn on? No…?”
I can’t help laughing, and he kisses me slowly, his mouth moving against mine so gently, and I can taste beer and tequila on him from the shots we knocked back at the apartment before me, him, Kat and Eric left for the party.
“I don’t want to rush into this wedding, Mike, you know that, don’t you?”
I rest my forehead against his and he strokes the small of my back. “I know. After last…”
I shut him up with another kiss, I’m not going over all of that again. “I just want us to do it right this time. That’s all. I want us to enjoy being us again, do you understand?”
He smiles and nods and he kisses me one more time before I feel him being dragged away from me.
“Come on, bro, put her down and come grab a beer.”
Mike shrugs, winks at me, and allows Eric to drag him over to the bar. Kat hands me a flute of champagne, and I know it’s champagne because Dana wouldn’t have anything less.
“I’m so freaking happy for you, Lola, I can’t tell you.”
“Says the woman who, just a couple of weeks ago, told me he wasn’t worth it.” I smile slightly and she gently nudges my arm.
“He wasn’t. In the beginning. I wanted to rip his balls off after what he did to you, but, y’know, things change. People change.”
“You think he’s changed?”
“I think he grew up. I mean, that guy is one hell of a lawyer, but as far as his personal life went he acted like some freaked out adolescent. So, I think his time away – maybe it was a good thing. If he’d stayed around he’d only have had us going on at him, day after day, constantly telling him what a grade A prick he was. But disappearing the way he did – he obviously needed that time to himself. To grow up.” She takes a sip of her champagne and I look at her through narrowed eyes, and I’m still smiling slightly. “What?”
“You. You’ve got it all worked out now, haven’t you?”
“Shut up.”
“You don’t think I’m making a mistake? Taking him back?”
“Do you?”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Yeah, but, my opinion doesn’t really matter, as you frequently told me, time and time again.”
I look over at the bar. Mike and Eric are deep in conversation, and for a second I just watch him. And I remember how much I loved him then, and how I still love him now. Mike wasn’t my mistake. Evan was.
“I don’t think I’m making a mistake. Not this time.”
I glance away from the bar just as Evan walks in with Dana, and at first he doesn’t see me. He’s too busy listening to whatever Dana is saying to him, but I can’t look away, even though I want to. He’s handsome and tall, an imposing figure in a dark suit and open-necked white shirt, no tie. Casually smart is how I’d describe him tonight, but he’s still immaculately turned out. He just exudes style and power, and as he walks further into the room I can almost feel the heads turning. He commands that attention without actually asking for it, that’s the kind of man he is. He had my attention once. He still has it, just not in the same way anymore.
Kat follows my gaze, and I wait for the inevitable question.
“That’s all over, I take it? You and Evan King?”
I look at her. “Of course it’s over.”
“And he’s okay about it?”
“He seems to be.”
“So, it’s not awkward or anything? At work? I mean, I know him and Mike are working together on a case…”
“We’re all grown-ups, Kat. Things are fine. Besides, given the nature of what me and Evan had, he isn’t going to stir up any kind of situation, is he? It was sex. That’s all it was.”
“Great sex, though. Am I right?”
“How old are you?”
“It was great sex. I know it was.”
“It’s over, Kat. And Mike can’t ever know there was anything going on between me and Evan. I made a mess of my first couple of weeks at Cavendish King, but things are finally settling down now. I’ve got a job I love, and the man I’m crazy about is back in my life. I can actually start living again.”
She looks at me, and we clink glasses. “I’ll drink to that. Right, I’m gonna go get my boyfriend back.” She looks over toward the bar where Eric’s now talking to someone else, and Mike’s with Dana. I can’t see Evan anywhere. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.”
I watch her walk away, and Mike quickly glances over and throws me a smile before he returns to his conversation with Dana. I need another drink, and I grab a fresh glass of champagne from a passing server before I head out into the hotel foyer. I need some air. Just a few minutes away from everything.
I sit down on one of the plush cream couches that are dotted around the vast foyer, and I sink back into the cushions, closing my eyes for the briefest of seconds, enjoying the relative peace, compared to what’s going on in the other room.
“Avoiding your own party?”
My eyes snap open and I watch as he sits down on the chair to my left. “I just need a breather.”
He takes a sip of his drink and looks out ahead, and neither of us says anything for a few beats. “When Dana told me she was holding this party for you and Mike…”
He trails off and stares down into his glass, swirling the dark liquid – I’m assuming he’s drinking his usual bourbon – round and around the tumbler.
“What were you going to say, Evan?”
He shakes his head and looks back up, smiling slightly. “Nothing. I just think it’s a nice gesture, for her to do this for two of our newest employees.”
“Yes. It is. It was a lovely, and completely unnecessary thing for her to do, but, me and Mike are really grateful, to everyone at Cavendish King, for making us feel so welcome.”
He drops his gaze again but I don’t take my eyes off him.
“I should get back inside. Mike’ll be wondering where I am.”
I start to get up but his voice makes me stay seated. “How do you know he won’t hurt you again, Lola?”
Evan’s eyes lock on mine and I hold his gaze. “I don’t. But I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Now.”
“After what he did?”
“I’m not sure what any of this has got to do with you. Whatever we had, it’s over now, I’m not yours anymore, so…”
“I care about you, Lola. You gonna tell me that isn’t allowed?”
“No, I… I have to trust him, Evan. I’ve told him I don’t want promises because I don’t want him to break any…”
“So, you think he might? If he made you promises, you think he’d break them?”
“What are you doing?”
“Like I said, I care about you. What he did, the way he treat you, it led you to embark upon something I know you’ve never done before, because I know you’re not the kind of woman who makes a habit of one-night stands.”
“You know that, huh?”
“What’s gonna happen if he does it again, Lola? What’s gonna happen if he hurts you, again?”
I stay silent, I don’t answer him straightaway, I’m not sure if I’m going to answer his question at all. But his eyes are still burning into mine, and I don’t understand why he’s doing this, I don’t, and it’s making me nervous.
“I have to hope he doesn’t.” My voice is little more than a whisper, and this time I stand up and I start to walk away but he follows me.
“Lola.”
I don’t want to stop, I want to carry on walking but there’s something so commanding about his voice that i
t’s almost a reflex action, my standing still.
“You look beautiful.”
He walks over to me, and he leans in close, his mouth almost touching my ear.
“He’s a very lucky man. Let’s just hope he realizes that this time.”
I can’t move, it’s like I’m rooted to the spot, all I can do is watch him walk away, back to the party, and as he enters the room once again every female head close to him turns and looks at him. The way he walks, his demeanor, the attitude he exudes, it’s almost breathtaking to watch. And I don’t know whether he’s aware of it – that power he has, that respect he attracts – but it’s there, and it’s hard to ignore.
“What did he want?”
My head swings around as I hear Mike’s voice. “Hmm? Sorry?”
“Evan. What did he want? I saw him talking to you just now.”
“He just wanted to congratulate us. Again. On a more personal level this time.”
His arm circles my waist and he pulls me against him, and he smiles. Which makes me smile, too. “I’ve let Dana know how grateful we are, for the party.”
I play with the collar of his shirt, and I look up and I kiss him gently. “Good. Because she didn’t have to do any of this.”
“I know. But, when you want to keep one of your most valuable new members of the team happy…”
I punch him playfully on the upper arm. “You’ll start believing your own hype soon.”
He pulls me closer against him and I wind my arms around his neck, our foreheads resting together. “Things have really come together these past couple of weeks, Lola. And I know – I know I’m a lucky, lucky man. You gave me a second chance, and our life – our life is looking incredible, baby.”
I smile again, my fingers playing with the hair at the back of his neck. “Yeah. It is.”
“And this time we’re not gonna mess it up. I pro…”
I put my fingers to his lips and shake my head. “No promises, Mike, remember?”
He takes my hand and squeezes it tight, kissing my fingers. “No promises. But I mean it, Lola. Our life is looking incredible. And I’m not gonna let anything get in the way of that, not this time.”
Lawfully His (A Dirty Business Novel Book 1) Page 17
