Throughout this presentation ABLE, BAKER and CHARLIE have been waving their flags each time FOX arrives on stage, but their faces reveal their dissatisfaction and boredom.
Practically … Helmet bedsocks Denmark. [*And now … Helmet Prince of Denmark.]
MRS DOGG (Correcting him.) Hamlet …
DOGG: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark, yeti William Shakespeare. (To MRS DOGG.) Yob?
MRS DOGG: Yob … yob … yob? [*Flowers?]
(She looks to schoolboys, who know nothing of their whereabouts. MRS DOGG turns away and gives LADY her button-hole, with a little curtsey. To LADY.)
Hernia, suppurating kidneys, reeks cat-boils frankly gangrenous armpit dripping maggots …
LADY: (With energy and charm.) Sod the pudding club!
(Music, DOGG, MRS DOGG and LADY begin to exit past the wall. The LADY notices the message on the wall which says:
GOD
SLAG
THEM
She is taken aback but bravely continues out. DOGG looks daggers at EASY. AS SOON AS THE LADY and MRS DOGG have left the stage DOGG does an about-turn and marches back to EASY. EASY looks at DOGG. DOGG looks at the wall. EASY dutifully hurls himself through the wall which disintegrates. DOGG leaves. EASY picks himself up. He shouts furiously after DOGG.)
EASY: Stinkbag! Poxy crank!
(ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE are also resentful about DOGG and all their succeeding lines, as are EASY’s, are insults referring to DOGG, though not necessarily called out after him.)
BAKER: Pax! Quinces carparks!
EASY: Canting poncey creep!
CHARLIE: Daisy squire!
EASY: Sadist! Fascist!
ABEL: Fishes! Afternoons!
EASY: Officious bastard! Lunatic!
ABEL: Avacados castle sofa Dogg!
EASY: Have his guts for garters, see if I don’t!
ABEL: (Talking to EASY about DOGG.) Avocados castle cigar smoke.
EASY: (To ABLE.) Right!—See if I don’t! Kick his backside!
BAKER: (To EASY.) Quinces ice-packs!
EASY: (To BAKER.) Right!
CHARLIE: Daisy squire!
BAKER: Slab git, nit git—
EASY: Three bags full git! Crazy little squirt!
CHARLIE: Daisy vanilla!
EASY: Squire! Quince bog! Have his pax for carpox—so help me Dogg, see avocado!——Slab.
BAKER: Moronic creep.
EASY: Slab. Cretinous pig-face?
BAKER: Cretinous pig-face? Slack-dunce. [*4:10.]
EASY: What?
BAKER: Dunce.
EASY: Cube.
(During the above ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE have been rebuilding the wall, and EASY has been rolling up the red carpet. Now EASY starts collecting all the flags back starting with the three flags given to ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE which they threw to the floor in disgust. He collects flags from the audience and counts them as he collects them, and thanks each one, ‘Cube’, as he does so.)
Sun, dock, trog, slack, pan, sock, slight, bright, none, fun, what, dunce!
(ABEL, BAKER and CHARLIE have just finished building the wall and have built themselves out of view, EASY moves to exit, when we hear …)
BAKER: (From behind screen and pointing at microphone.) Haddock.
(EASY returns and takes off microphone. Before he exits …)
EASY: Hamlet bedsocks Denmark. Yeti William Shakespeare. (The wall says:
DOGGS
HAM
LET
The lighting changes and there is a trumpet fanfare and DOGG enters now dressed to take his part in the 15-Minute Hamlet. He goes to the platform, from which he speaks the prologue of the Hamlet, and then exits. This leaves the wall and the steps to be used as the walls and ramparts of Elsinore. At the back of the stage left and right are two folding screens. The stage left screen has a bolt through the top which allows a cut-out sun, moon and crown to be swung into vision from behind the screen. From the on-stage side pivots a two-dimensional cut-out grave for OPHELIA.)
PROLOGUE
Enter SHAKESPEARE, bows.
SHAKESPEARE:
For this relief, much thanks.
Though I am native here, and to the manner born,
It is a custom more honoured in the breach
Than in the observance
Well.
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
To be, or not to be, that is the question.
There are more things in heaven and earth
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy—
There’s a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough hew them how we will
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.
I must be cruel only to be kind;
Hold, as t’were, the mirror up to nature.
A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.
(LADY in audience shouts ‘Marmalade’.)
The lady doth protest too much.
Cat will mew, and Dogg will have his day!
(Bows and exits. End of prologue.)
A castle battlement. Thunder and wind. Enter two GUARDS: BERNARDO/MARCELLUS and FRANCISCO/HORATIO. The GUARDS are played by ABEL and BAKER respectively. They are costumed for a typical Shakespeare play except that they have short trousers. GUARDS on the platform.
BERNARDO:
Who’s there?
FRANCISCO:
Nay, answer me.
BERNARDO:
Long live the King. Get thee to bed.
FRANCISCO:
For this relief, much thanks.
BERNARDO:
What, has this thing appeared again tonight?
FRANCISCO:
Peace, break thee off: look where it comes again!
BERNARDO:
Looks it not like the King?
FRANCISCO:
By heaven, I charge thee, speak!
BERNARDO:
(Points and looks left.) ’Tis here.
FRANCISCO:
(Points and looks right.) ’Tis there.
BERNARDO:
(Looks right.) ’Tis gone.
FRANCISCO:
But look, the morn in russet mantle dad Walks o’er the dew of yon high eastern hill.
(On ‘But look’ a cut-out sun shoots up over the stage left screen, and descends here.)
BERNARDO:
Let us impart what we have seen tonight Unto young Hamlet.
(Exeunt. End scene.)
A room of state within the castle. A cut-out crown hinges over stage left screen.
Flourish of trumpets. Enter CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE, who is played by MRS DOGG.
CLAUDIUS:
Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother’s death The memory be green
(Enter HAMLET who is played by FOX MAJOR.)
Our sometime sister, now our Queen
Have we taken to wife.
But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son—
HAMLET:
A little more than kin, and less than kind.
(Exit CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE.)
O that this too too solid flesh would melt!
That it should come to this—but two months dead!
So loving to my mother: Frailty, thy name is woman!
Married with mine uncle, my father’s brother.
The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth The marriage tables.
(The crown hinges down. HORATIO rushes on.)
HORATIO:
My lord, I think I saw him yesternight—
The King, your father—upon the platform where we watched.
HAMLET:
’Tis very strange.
HORATIO:
Armed, my lord—
A countenance more in sorrow than in anger.
HAMLET:
My father’s spirit in arms? All is not well.
Would the night were come!
(The moon hinges up. Exeunt to parapet. End scene.)
The castle battlements at night. Noise of carouse, cannon,
fireworks.
HORATIO and HAMLET appear on platform built by EASY.
HAMLET:
The King doth wake tonight and takes his rouse, Though I am native here and to the manner born, It is a custom more honoured in the breach Than in the observance.
(Wind noise.)
HORATIO:
Look, my lord, it comes. (Points)
(Enter GHOST above the wall built of blocks.)
HAMLET:
Angels and ministers of grace defend us! Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! Alas, poor ghost.
GHOST:
I am thy father’s spirit.
Revenge his foul and most unnnatural murder.
HAMLET:
Murder?
GHOST:
The serpent that did sting thy father’s life Now wears his crown.
HAMLET:
O my prophetic soul? Mine uncle?
(Exit GHOST. To HORATIO.)
There are more things in heaven and earth
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
(Exit HORATIO.)
Hereafter I shall think meet
To put an antic disposition on.
The time is out of joint. O cursed spite
That ever I was born to set it right!
(Exit HAMLET. Moon hinges down. End scene.)
A room within. Crown hinges up. Flourish of trumpets leading into flute and harpsichord music. Enter POLONIUS; OPHELIA rushes on. OPHELIA is, of course, played by CHARLIE.
POLONIUS:
How now Ophelia, what’s the matter?
OPHELIA:
My lord, as I was sewing in my chamber,
Lord Hamlet with his doublet all unbraced;
No hat upon his head, pale as his shirt,
His knees knocking each other, and with a look so piteous
He comes before me.
POLONIUS:
Mad for thy love?
I have found the very cause of Hamlet’s lunacy.
(Enter HAMLET, exit OPHELIA.)
Look where sadly the poor wretch comes reading
What do you read, my lord?
HAMLET:
Words, words, words.
POLONIUS:
Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.
HAMLET:
I am but mad north northwest: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a
handsaw.
(Slams book shut and against POLONIUS’s chest)
POLONIUS:
The actors are come hither, my lord. (Exits)
HAMLET:
We’ll hear a play tomorrow.
I have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play
Have by the very cunning of the scene
Been struck so to the soul that presently
They have proclaimed their malefactions.
I’ll have these players play something
Like the murder of my father before mine uncle.
If he but blench, I know my course.
The play’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King.
(Pause)
To be, or not to be (Puts dagger, pulled from his sleeve, to heart.
Enter CLAUDIUS and OPHELIA.)
that is the question.
OPHELIA:
My lord—
HAMLET:
Get thee to a nunnery!
(Exit OPHELIA and HAMLET.)
CLAUDIUS:
Love? His affections do not that way tend
There’s something in his soul
O’er which his melancholy sits on brood.
He shall with speed to England.
(Exit CLAUDIUS. End scene.)
A hall within the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Enter HAMLET and OPHELIA, MARCELLUS and HORATIO joking, CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE. Puppet players appear above stage left screen.
HAMLET:
(To puppet players.) Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you; trippingly on the tongue. Hold, as t’were, the mirror up to nature
(ALL sit to watch puppet play. Masque music)
(To GERTRUDE.) Madam, how like you the play?
GERTRUDE:
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
HAMLET:
He poisons him in the garden of his estate. You shall see anon how the murderer gets the love of Gonzago’s wife.
(CLAUDIUS rises.)
The King rises!
(Music stops, hubbub noise starts.)
What, frighted with false fire?
(Exit, CLAUDIUS.)
ALL:
Give o’er the play.
(Puppets disappear, crown disappears.)
HAMLET:
Lights! Lights! Lights! I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pounds!
(Exeunt ALL except POLONIUS.)
POLONIUS:
(Standing at side.) He’s going to his mother’s closet. Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process.
(End scene.)
The Queen’s apartment, POLONIUS stands by stage right screen and hinges a curtain out from behind it. Lute music. Enter HAMLET and GERTRUDE.
HAMLET:
Now Mother, what’s the matter?
GERTRUDE:
Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
HAMLET:
Mother, you have my father much offended.
(Holds her.)
GERTRUDE:
What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me? Help! Help! Ho!
POLONIUS:
(Behind the arras.) Help!
HAMLET:
How now? A rat? (Stafe POLONIUS.) Dead for a ducat, dead!
GERTRUDE:
O me, what hast thou done?
HAMLET:
Nay, I know not.
GERTRUDE:
Alas, he’s mad.
HAMLET:
I must be cruel only to be kind. Good night, Mother.
(Exit HAMLET dragging POLONIUS. Exit GERTRUDE, sobbing. Arras hinges back. End scene.)
Another room in the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Crown hinges up. Enter CLAUDIUS and HAMLET.
CLAUDIUS:
Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?
HAMLET:
At supper. (Hiding his sword clumsily.)
CLAUDIUS:
Hamlet, this deed must send thee hence. Therefore prepare thyself, Everything is bent for England.
(Exit HAMLET.)
And England, if my love thou holds’t at aught, Thou may’st not coldly set our sov’reign process, The present death of Hamlet. Do it, England!
(Exit CLAUDIUS. Crown hingest down. End scene.)
At sea.
Sea music. A sail appears above stage left screen. Enter HAMLET on platform, swaying as if on ship’s bridge. He wipes his eyes, and becomes seasick. End sea music. Exit HAMLET, holding his hand to his mouth.
Yet another room in the castle. Flourish of trumpets. Enter CLAUDIUS and LAERTES.
LAERTES:
Where is my father?
CLAUDIUS:
Dead.
(Enter OPHELIA in mad trance, singing and carrying a bouquet of flowers wrapped in cellophane and with a red ribbon. Lute music.)
OPHELIA:
They bore him barefaced on the bier,
(After her first line she gives a flower to LAERTES.) Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny.
(After her second, she slams the bouquet in CLAUDIUS’s stomach. It is, of course, the missing bouquet from the speech-day ceremony.)
OPHELIA:
And on his grave rained many a tear …
(Half-way through her third line she disappears behind the screen stage left and pauses. CLAUDIUS and LAERTES peer round the side she disappeared and she runs round the other behind them.)
LAERTES:
O heat dry up my brains—O kind Sister,
(OPHELIA falls to ground. She catches a flower thrown from stage right screen.)
Had’st thou thy wits, and did’st persuade revenge It could
not move thus.
CLAUDIUS:
And where the offence is, let the great axe fall.
(Exit CLAUDIUS and LAERTES. OPHELIA sits up to reach gravestone which she swings down to conceal her. Bell tolls four times. End scene.)
A churchyard. Enter GRAVEDIGGER and HAMLET.
HAMLET:
Ere we were two days at sea, a pirate of very warlike appointment gave us chase. In the grapple I boarded them. On the instant they got clear of our ship; so I alone became their prisoner. They have dealt with me like thieves of mercy.
GRAVEDIGGER:
What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright or the carpenter?
HAMLET:
A gravemaker. The houses he makes will last till Doomsday.
(GRAVEDIGGER gives skull to HAMLET.)
Whose was it?
GRAVEDIGGER:
This same skull, Sir, was Yorick’s skull, the King’s jester.
HAMLET:
Alas, poor Yorick. (Returns skull to GRAVEDIGGER.)
But soft—that is Laertes. (Withdraws to side.)
(Enter LAERTES.)
LAERTES:
What ceremony else?
The Real Inspector Hound and Other Plays Page 17
