“We can say that now,” I observed. “It doesn’t make it true. All right. Go ahead.”
“What is your middle name?” she asked.
“Eaglethorpe.”
“You’re middle name is Eaglethorpe?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Two more questions.”
Her eyes flashed but she continued.
“Do you find me attractive?”
“Yes,” I answered truthfully, for though she might have been 796 years old, she didn’t look a day over thirty… maybe thirty-two.”
“Then I don’t need to ask any more questions.” She smiled and batted her eyelashes at me. “Go ahead and ask yours.”
“What is your favorite color?” I asked.
“Black.”
“What is your favorite drink?”
“Tea,” she replied. “Flavored with the tears of a unicorn.”
“Interesting,” said I. “How about food?”
“Yes, I enjoy food.”
I couldn’t help smiling at her wit.
“What is your favorite flower?” I asked.
“Venus fly trap.”
“What is your favorite animal?”
“That insect that eats its mate alive during sex.”
“A praying mantis?”
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“And you’re sure you are not evil?” I wondered.
“Sorry,” the sorceress… my sorceress replied. “You have asked all your questions already. You will meet me at the church in West Knucklewick, three days hence, at dusk. There we will be wed.”
“I am sure you will be sorry,” said I. “I will prove a terrible husband.”
“Then I will bake you another poison pie. Now, go join your former girlfriend.”
“She’s just a girl… I mean, she’s just a friend,” I replied, but I turned and left through the passageway to the outside, where I found the land illuminated by a bright morning sun, and Elleena standing amid two dozen young women, all apparently healthy and whole.
“Did you kill her?” Elleena demanded of me.
“Kill who?”
“Whom,” she corrected. “Did you kill Myolaena Maetar?”
“I can’t kill her,” I replied. “Thanks to you, she’s now my fiancé.”
Chapter Seventeen: Wherein we eventually return to town and Eventually returns with us.
With a sigh, and muttering about always having to do things herself, Elleena reached over and pulled my sword from my scabbard. Then she stomped into the cave.
While she was gone, I greeted the young ladies we had rescued, being sure to fill in the important part that I had played in the operation. Eventually was one of what turned out to be exactly twenty-five girls. East Knucklewick was well represented among them, but there were also maidens from West Knucklewick, Shoopshire, East Brightwine, and even one from Barrelton. All were young and attractive, and I could not but speculate that in liberating them, we had improved the local stock of young women more than a little, which is to say a lot.
“She’s gone,” said Elleena, emerging from the cave.
“What do you mean, ‘she’s gone’?” I asked.
She gestured grandly toward the cavern entrance which I took to mean “go look for yourself.”
“Go look for yourself,” she said, rather redundantly.
Stepping quickly inside, I found that the sorceress was indeed now gone. So were the bed and sofa, tables and bookcases, torches and those torch-holder thingies. It was now just an empty, and quite dusty, cave illuminated only by the scant light making its way through the passage from outside.
“Come along,” said Elleena. “We need to get these young women back to their homes.”
“And then I need to get out of Brest,” said I. “I hear Theen is nice this time of year.”
“Just like a man,” she said. “Run away from your problems rather than face them.”
“Aren’t you a man?” Eventually asked her.
“Mannish,” I said.
Elleena didn’t talk to me all the way back to town. The girls however carried on lively conversations, both with me and with each other. Having had their natural inclination to talk stifled, in some cases for quite some time, they were eager to engage once again in their primary skill. Add to that, that a few of them had been gone from home two years or more, and they had much gossip to catch up on. A few asked me about the doings of East Knucklewick—questions that I for the most part was unable to answer. Luckily, there was usually one of the other girls who had been imprisoned as a doll for a shorter time, who could answer for me.
We made our way out of the forest and down the sloping meadow to the lazy trees overhanging the river. Rather than cross as we had during the night however, we followed the north bank until the channel widened and presented us a crossing where the water was no more than a foot or so deep and there were numerous large stones that made it possible to cross almost without wetting one’s feet. Then we climbed the slope up the meadow on the other side of Gaunt Rill. We didn’t bother heading toward the fields and farm of the werewolf, but cut straight to the road and comfortably walked the last quarter mile into town.
Those young women who were from East Knucklewick wanted to go directly to their homes, but the others joined us as we entered the inn and took seats in the taproom. It was still early, but a couple of travelers were already up and breakfasting.
“Breakfast for everyone!” I called, passing a handful of sovereigns to the proprietor.
Soon everyone was feasting on bacon, hotcakes, white pudding, tea, and hard cider. Indeed the word soon got out that a free breakfast was to be had, and the building filled to capacity. I could hardly move, so I decided to go upstairs to remove my armor.
I stepped into my room to find Jholeira in my bed. She opened a sleepy eye and looked up at me.
“So, you are alive,” she stated the obvious.
“Yes.”
“Are you going to be a werewolf now?”
“What? Oh, no. I just bit my tongue.”
“That’s a relief. It’s hard enough to imagine myself married to a human, let alone a werewolf.”
“Married?” I asked.
“Yes. I told you that I wanted you.”
“You did,” I admitted. “I just wasn’t sure for what.”
As I removed my armor, she pulled the sheet back, exposing her lithe, toned body.
“Join me in bed, Master Buxton.”
“Perhaps later,” said I. “There is a big breakfast party downstairs and I have worked up quite an appetite. Come downstairs with me before all of the hotcakes are gone.”
She stood up and slipped into a diaphanous robe, and the two of us joined what now had become a great party. I had barely gotten my hotcakes and found a seat when I was smothered in kisses by both Immanent and her sister Eventually.
“I wish it had been the real Eaglethorpe Buxton who had fathered my child,” said Immanent. “But regardless, I shall name him Eaglethorpe when he is born.”
“What if it is a girl?” I wondered.
“Then I shall name her Overmydeadbody.”
“A most excellent name,” quoth I.
“What do you suppose is to happen to Rex?” asked Eventually.
“Rex?”
“Rex Cumberson… the werewolf.”
“I suppose he will still have to be hunted down and killed.”
“But he didn’t hurt anyone,” she said. “Not really.”
“I don’t propose to hunt him down myself,” said I. “But now that the townsfolk know who he is, they are sure to hunt him down. Townsfolk are like that. He will have to leave and will probably spend the remainder of his life wandering alone.”
“Oh, I see.” She stood up and excused herself.
“She’s going to find him and leave town with him,” said Immanent, getting up. “I’m going to go help her pack and say goodbye.”
“I can see that if we
stayed here, I would have quite a bit of competition for your heart,” said Jholeira, sitting down in the chair so recently vacated by Eventually.
“You have no idea,” I replied.
“So Eventually is chasing after the werewolf,” observed Elleena, sitting down in the seat so recently vacated by Immanent.
“That is often the way of things,” said I. “Women will hunt down their men all the way to the ends of the earth.”
“Almost,” said Jholeira. “At least as far as Theen. I doubt many women would chase a man all the way to Goth though.”
“Interesting,” said I.
Chapter Eighteen: Wherein we return to Shoopshire to find, what for Elleena, is an unpleasant surprise.
“What business are you about?” I asked Elleena, noting that she had no breakfast in front of her.
“I’ve been procuring two wagons and the accompanying horses.”
“Whatever for?”
“We have to take the rest of these young women back to their homes in West Knucklewick, Shoopshire, East Brightwine, and Barrelton.”
“Isn’t it enough that we rescued them?”
She cast an arched eyebrow in my direction.
“All the country knows the name of Eaglethorpe Buxton,” she said, “and it knows that he is not one to leave a young woman alone and defenseless in a strange town.”
“You are right,” I admitted. “It knows rather he is a friend to those who are in need of a friend and a protector to those who are in need of a protector and a guardian to those who are in need of a guardian and a teamster to those who are in need of a ride in a wagon.”
“Do you wish me to accompany you?” asked Princess Jholeira.
“No,” I replied. “It will be a quick trip. I shall meet you back here, three days hence.”
The party continued for the better part of the morning, finally winding down at a quarter to eleven, when the supply of hard cider was exhausted. I gathered the women, many of whom were passed out on the floor, and Elleena gathered the wagons and we combined the two in the way that one might expect, which is to say I put the women in the wagons. Then we started off on our way, Hysteria walking along sullenly beside Elleena’s horse, behind the first wagon. She was no doubt unhappy that she had not found a single horse with whom to play cards during her entire time in East Knucklewick.
It took us two days to reach Shoopshire, not because the wagons were slower than riding a horse, though they were somewhat, but rather because we had to take lengthy detours south. After stopping at West Knucklewick, we went south to East Brightwine, and then southwest to Barrelton, and then all the way back to West Knucklewick, before turning to Shoopshire. We arrived just before supper time and delivered the last of the missing maidens to their families before heading toward the inn. Elleena was quite anxious to see her wife and I was quite anxious to see a breast of chicken dinner.
I followed my friend through the front door of the establishment. Just inside, she stopped so suddenly that I bumped into her. Looking over her shoulder, I saw the cause of her reaction. Sitting beside the fire was Aubrey, the pregnant serving wench and wife of Ellwood Cyreen. But she wasn’t sitting on a chair, at least not directly. She was sitting in the lap of a huge, burly man with squinty eyes and a big bushy beard. And he was sitting in the chair.
“Aubrey?” cried Elleena.
The woman and the big man both looked up, and the expressions on their faces were the same as I have seen many nights when my Aunt Oregana lit a candle, exposing Gervil and Rupert with their hands in the cookie jar. Aubrey jumped to her feet and placed both hands over her mouth.
“Ellwood?”
“Big Ivan?” cried Elleena.
“I’m sorry Ellwood,” said the huge, burly man, rising to a full seven foot two inch height.
“What the hell is going on?”
“We have to talk,” said Aubrey.
The two of us joined Aubrey and Big Ivan at their table, because there was no way that I was going to let my good friend deal with such a monster alone.
“I’m sorry Ellwood,” said Aubrey, as soon as we were seated. “Big Ivan came in two days ago. He remembered me and came back for me.”
“That I did,” said the giant man.
“And as soon as we were together, I remembered much more of that night. I remember it was he who spent the night with me. I’m afraid that he is the father of my child, and not you.”
“Are you sure?” asked Elleena.
“Of course she’s sure,” I whispered. “Are you out of your mind?”
“Oh, yes,” said Elleena. “Well, I… I just feel so… I don’t know… unfulfilled I guess.”
“I didn’t know about you until yesterday, Ellwood,” said Big Ivan. “You know I would never move in on your woman. I’ve been on the quest for years now, and I’ve had enough. I decided to settle down and I remembered the game little lass that I had met when we were here a few months back. I decided to look her up. Then, when I found that she was carrying my child… well, you know.”
“I do indeed,” said Elleena.
“You know this fellow?” I asked her.
“Sure. Big Ivan and I have been on a dozen adventures together.” She crossed her arms, and for a moment I thought she might cry. “I suppose if there were someone else that had to get my wife, I would want it to be him.”
“Still, being replaced is not a feeling that any man relishes, and probably no woman neither,” said I. “Go ahead and cry if you want to.”
“Ellwood would never cry,” said Big Ivan. “He is the bravest, most manly man I know.”
“Less manly and more mannish,” I said.
Chapter Nineteen: Wherein I receive a proposal from the Queen of Aerithraine, with whom… well, you know.
I led Elleena out into the night air. She leaned her head on my chest, and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders.
“Buck up,” said I. “This is all for the best. Aubrey was bound to find out sooner or later that you are not really a man. It’s better that she has found Big Ivan and that he has found the mother of his child.”
“You are right, Eaglethorpe,” she replied. “It is just that I felt something that I had never felt before.”
“Oh surely you have,” said I. “Aren’t her things and your things pretty much alike?”
“That’s not what I’m talking about!” she hissed. “I felt for the first time what it was like to be part of a family. And I liked it.”
“Yes, families are wonderful,” quoth I. “Particularly if some of them can bake a decent pie.”
“Oh Eaglethorpe, I am so sorry. Here I am wrapped up in my problems, and I forgot that you have your own problem.”
“Yes, I do have a problem. I have not yet had my supper and I fear it may be too late to get a breast of chicken roasted tonight.”
“Not that, you idiot,” she said. “You are supposed to be married to that witch in West Knucklewick in less than twenty-four hours.”
“That is true,” I replied. “I also told Jholeira that I would meet her tomorrow at the same time in East Knucklewick and she wants to marry me too.”
“What a horrible dilemma. If you don’t marry Myolaena Maetar, she will kill you, and if you don’t marry Jholeira… well, I guess nothing will happen to you over that, but do you love her? If you love her, you must go to her and marry her. I will help you fight off the sorceress.”
“I don’t want to marry either one. I don’t love either one. I am mostly afraid of the sorceress, and while I do believe that most husbands are deathly afraid of their wives, I don’t think it makes for a healthy or a long life. She is attractive though—really, really attractive in an evil and slutty sort of way. I suppose I could get used to that.”
“What about the elven princess?” asked Elleena.
“I have a great affection for Jholeira, but I don’t think I love her, and I certainly don’t think that I am in love with her. She is quite fetching though, and she will look young and delec
table for as long as I live. I could definitely live with that.”
“If you don’t love them, leave. Escape now.”
“Aren’t you the one who said men are always running away from their problems, rather than facing them?” I asked. “And I believe you said it in such a way as to imply that you didn’t think that was such a good idea.”
“You must get away from them,” said Elleena. “Never mind what I said before.”
“Where would I go?”
“We will leave here tonight and go west, back to Aerithraine.”
“Why?”
“To be married.”
“You just said that I should not be married.”
“You should not be married to either of them,” she replied. “You should be married to me.”
“I could not marry another man,” I pointed out.
“I’m not a man… you would not be marrying Ellwood Cyrene. You would be marrying Queen Elleena of Aerithraine, with whom you’ve been infatuated for as long as you can remember.”
“But what about the queen’s… your husband?”
“I am a widow. I had him killed a long time ago,” she said, matter-of-factly. “More to the point, you are now Lord Dewberry, Knight of the Realm, and suitable marriage material in anyone’s eyes who might not know you. We can be together forever.”
“Married to the Queen of Aerithraine?” I mused.
“Yes,” she whispered, and then leaning forward, she kissed me gently on the lips.
“And you have no problem with me running out on my fiancés?”
“None whatsoever.”
“All right,” I said. “We will leave within the hour. In the meantime, why don’t you go back inside and see if they do not have a breast of chicken they can roast for us to eat as we ride.”
“Anything for you, my love.”
As soon as Elleena stepped inside, I unhitched Hysteria from the back of the wagon. After a quick check of her gear, I hopped up into the saddle.
Many Adventures of Eaglethorpe Buxton Page 30
