by Anya Palvin
"Yes." Diana's heart broke a bit. "And more. But before I could tell him the truth, he found out---just this morning." Her voice almost broke as she answered the unspoken question. "And now I've made a mess of my professional and personal life."
Miranda placed an arm around her shoulders and squeezed. "We all make mistakes, Diana. Jim asked me to marry him even though I'd left him to 'find myself'."
"And there are a ton of mistakes I could mention that would make you feel better about yourself, I'm sure." Kate said teasingly, and gave Diana a sympathetic smile. When Diana didn't respond, Kate said,
"You really like him."
"Yeah." She looked at Kate, and could feel the compassion roll off her friend in waves. "But none of that matters now. I don't think there'll ever be a chance for us again."
11.
Diana woke up feeling unmotivated to arise from her bed and do the scheduled tours for the day, so she called someone and took a sick day though she strongly disagreed with the principle. The tours she had for the last days had been terrifying– at least in her part – though she knew that the couples were blissfully unaware of the turmoil inside of her. When her work day had finally ended, Connor had found her and insisted on taking her home – not that she had minded. She had been too tired to take public transport home since her car was still in the shop. She hadn't said much on the way home, and she knew it worried her brother. But she told him what happened when she got home, and didn't elaborate too much on the feelings that were a mess inside of her.
It had taken some convincing, but Connor had finally gone home and Diana had immediately crawled into bed. Which was where she was ten hours later, with not even three hours of sleep under her belt. She had spent the entire night thinking about everything that had happened, from the moment she had met William. And it pained her that at the thought that she could have all the time and chance to tell him the truth---and regretted being a coward for not being able to. The first few times she thought about it, she let herself believe that it had been because she was scared for her job. And yes, maybe that had been the initial motivation for why she had lied. But as the hours turned to the wee morning, she thought about why she had been so hesitant to tell the truth once she and William had gone out. There was something deeper there, something deeper than just her job – something that had planted itself inside of her when her parents had died.
Diana felt restless now as she thought of it and she could feel all her energy had left her when she'd called in sick suddenly returned full-force. She got out of bed and pulled on her gown, slipped her feet into her most comfortable shoes, and went to make herself a cup of tea. She looked out into the gloom of the day from her kitchen window, and wondered at the stark contrast the mountain made with the sea she could see tossing and turning against the rocks. The enormity of the peak had always made her feel incredibly small, which filled her with a deep sense of peace. It had always been so much bigger than any problems she had faced. And yet today, while it stood abused by the stormy sea, the peace evaded her. She felt more like the sea inside her and she knew it all because of the realization that knocked into her during the evening. She got her tea to her couch, and curled up before switching the TV on. She barely saw the images that flitted across the screen, but she needed the noise to distract her mind from flying back to the memories she should not dwell on and to at least let herself feel that she’s not alone---because that must be her problem…she’s too afraid of being alone, of being left alone and feeling back what she had when her parents had died.
Yes, she had Connor. And she was thankful for him being around. But he had created his own life when her parents had died. He had merely nestled her into that life, and had continued with his own when he was sure she was okay – as he should have. She believed that deeply, and wished – longed – for that to have been her. Six years after her parents' death, she still didn't feel as though she was grown. She still didn't feel the independence she saw in her brother's life. She felt alone, and, she had to admit, she felt abandoned. She knew her parents wouldn't have left her willingly, and she felt selfish for even feeling as though they had left her. But she did feel that way, and the reality was that they did leave her. It was at a time of her life that she was just coming into her own, and she remembered feeling so lucky that she had the support of her family as she was doing so. She had thought of Connor and what his mother had done to him, and she had felt so sorry for him. Diana wondered now if she had felt relief, too, that she had been the one to have both parents and he had been the abandoned one.
It was a horrible thought, one that made her slightly ill. The nausea intensified when she thought that maybe the universe had decided to show her what it was like not to have parents. Maybe she had been smug when she'd thought of how lucky she'd been. Maybe she hadn't showed Connor enough compassion when she saw how awkward he had sometimes felt in their family. Because no matter how much her mother had embraced Connor, had tried to make him feel a part of their family, he had put up a wall that had kept her from getting too close.
Was it any wonder, she thought now as she sipped her tea, hoping it will be a help to soothe her stomach. The feeling of someone leaving you---mainly if that’s coming from someone you really adore and cared about unconditionally – was one that left holes in your heart. She knew, because though she had put patches over the ones that her parents' death had created in her own, they were still there. She felt the warmth run over her cheek, and she brushed at it with her free hand. She forced herself to be okay with the fact that she felt this way. She forced herself to accept the feelings – there was nothing she could do about them. That was the way she felt. And it had never been as obvious as it was now, when there was another gaping hole in her chest.
Diana rubbed at the ache subconsciously, her mind a tumbleweed of revelations. It was because she was too scared that William might leave her if he came acquainted with the truth---which had happened and that was really the real reason behind it, the very reason she had talked herself out of the honesty that generally came naturally to her. She hadn't been able to understand it, how she had lied to William when she knew she had never really been a dishonest person. And yet, that was the person William had come to know. Her heart was squeeze harshly with some force out of nowhereat the thought of him. He now sees her as someone who had deliberately lied to him, someone who had led him on, for their own gain. Because how would he know the real reason she hadn't told him when she had only discovered it herself? How could he know that in the short while she had known him, he had become one of the most important people to her? And that the mere thought of him leaving her had scared her so deeply that she had acted completely out of character. She brought her cup to her lips, but put it back on the coffee table in front of her when she realised it was empty. William thought that she had tried to trick him into keeping her job. And though she knew that that may have been how it had started, that wasn't how it had ended.
But now he was just another person who she cared about that had left her---someone who had abandoned her. She gave way to the feelings that came with the thought – the pain and the resentment. Why hadn't he fought for her? He had been so conceited when he'd found out, so ready to believe the worst of her. Hadn't he even considered that the person he had got to know – the one Diana knew was real – wouldn't lie to him without reason. Why hadn't he even considered her apology? She thought of every word they had exchanged the previous day, and then it occurred to her – she hadn't apologised. She hasn't said sorry to him. Hope fluttered in her heart, and laid the foundation of a plan that she hadn't dared to consider in the past few hours. She got up, rushing to her bedroom with the intention of jumping into the shower. But she stopped when common sense caught up with her – it was barely lunchtime. She couldn't just show up at the hotel – where she'd called in sick – and demand to see William. She had to wait, and think things through properly. She would also have to call in a few favours, but she didn't think her brot
her would mind helping, all things considered. Diana felt the pressure that had been anchoring her lift slightly, and she curled up on her bed, grateful for the relief.
* * *
William walked into the penthouse of the hotel and had barely shrugged off his jacket before already tugging at his tie. He couldn't believe the day he'd had. It had started out with a very awkward meeting with Connor. He could see the man was waging a war on the inside – did he broach the white elephant that sat heavily between them, or did he retain his professionalism and ignore it? Connor had kept to the latter, and the meeting had been quick and efficient – but uncomfortable. William knew the fact that they were discussing employee retrenchment had contributed to it, but at the same time, he could see the anger that clung to Connor like cologne. William ignored it – he hadn't the time to think about Diana – and pushed through. But he hadn't completely succeeded in dealing with the situation as well as he'd hoped for. The faint beat of a headache that had remained after the meeting had reminded him of that, and once he'd started with the employee meetings, the beat had morphed into the pounding that was currently still in his head.
He changed into his workout gear and started his warm-up in the gym of the penthouse. His father had given him the keys when he'd retired, and William knew he had sacrificed profit to do so. Not that William was going to complain. He had the pleasure of overlooking Cape Town and the best it had to offer whenever he wanted, and he only had to step onto the balcony to do so. Besides, he thought as he worked his way through an abs-set, he was at work if there was an emergency. The thought of work kept him motivated through his workout, and pumped through his veins as he picked up his weights. He couldn't believe the reactions he'd received today. He hadn't expected much since he was laying a number of them off, but even those who'd received good news seemed to be less than grateful. He'd brushed it off until he had got to Kate, who he had remembered was Diana's friend. She'd been one of the lucky ones who will be keeping their job, and yet she had only politely said thank you.
"Aren't you happy you still have a job?" He has asked, his frustration peeking.
"I am, sir. Thank you."
"Then why aren't you acting like that? Tell me." He insisted when she didn't respond.
"I don't think it's appropriate to tell you." Her pretty face reddened, but she spoke firmly.
"Why not?" And then it dawned on him. "You think that this is betraying your friend?"
"No." She said, slowly. "Diana would be incredibly happy that I get to keep my job."
"Then what is it?"
She eyed him for a moment, and then said, "You may regret you asked, but I'll tell you anyway. Diana is one of the best people I know. She never does anything selfishly, unless there's a good reason for it." She spoke quickly when his eyes narrowed. "I think she was scared, and that's why she lied. But she's sorry for it. And I hope you give her another chance to tell you that."
Kate had left after that, not waited for him to response. And probably rightfully so, he thought as he ended off with some light cardio. He had barely kept his cool when she was there, and it had taken him ten minutes before he could see the next employee. He didn't understand why Kate was defending Diana when what she did was so obviously wrong. He could understand Connor's position – even if he didn't want to. But he would defend Tara no matter what, though he would definitely have told her if she was wrong. William just couldn't forgive her for lying to him. He struggled to reconcile the girl he had thought was different to others – to Julia – with the liar she had turned out to be. She was exactly what he had escaped from, and he had made the mistake of falling for someone not worthy of his trust---once again.
His aching bones thanked him as the hot water from the shower beat his body. He was exhausted, and the gym session had ensured that he would rest when his body hit the bed. No thoughts of pretty green eyes and the laugh that lit it up. No remembering the way she felt in his arms, her soft body moulded to his, the feel of her lips as it heated his blood...
William grunted as he dried himself off, forcing her out of his mind. He had barely left the bathroom when he heard a knock at the door. He contemplated ignoring it, but then remembered that it could be the evening room service that brought him dinner.
"Hi. You can bring it in –" He trailed off when he saw Diana standing in front of him. She was wearing a simple black dress that may have been innocent on anyone other than her. On her it looked like a sin, clinging to her curves in a way that brought back every thought he had tried to suppress earlier. Her black hair effortlessly fell down to her waist made the flush in her cheeks seem all the more alluring, and his chest tightened at the effect she had on him.
"What are you doing here?"
Diana took a moment before she responded, and wondered if it would be obvious if she wiped the side of her face to check for drool. Why did he have to be so gorgeous, she thought as she took in the picture he made. She could only assume he had come from the shower, as there was no other reason that he would answer the door in just a towel. And she was treated to the full force of his muscular body. His hair glistened and there were sparks of water still on his skin. She remembered the way he had felt under her hands, the feeling was intensified now that she saw what she saw. Her hand lifted to her collarbone, and she felt the heat flush through her body. Then she shook it off, and reminded herself that she wasn't there to ogle. As attractive as the object of her ogling was.
"Can we talk please?"
William looked at her, and suddenly she felt cold. She wasn't used to him looking at her like that, with hard eyes that held none of the warmth she was used to. He didn't answer for a bit, and then he stepped back. She assumed that meant agreement, and walked into the room. She greedily took in everything about the apartment, hoping to learn something new about him. The walls were covered in light colours with a grey or black stroke of sophistication on panels across the roof and next to the windows. The furniture was cream, and lit the room with unexpected warmth. She could see Table Mountain through the glass doors that led out onto a deck, and the lights of the city twinkled back at her, oblivious to the turmoil she felt inside.
"Let me get decent." His words were abrupt, biting at her. "I'll be back in a second."
She let out a sigh of relief as he disappeared into a hallway, the masculine power that he brought lifting slightly from her chest. Her heart beat at a speed she didn't think was possible, and yet it urged her to speak for it, to let it find some healing. She had convinced herself that he would listen, that he would understand and they could move forward. But it didn't seem that the day that had passed between them had made any difference to his feelings towards her. No, she thought as she recalled the cold look he had given her and the iciness of his tone. He was still angry at her, and it would take everything inside of her to convince him that she was sorry.
Diana felt that he was back before she saw him. She looked at him, dressed casually in jeans and t-shirt, and she couldn't help but think of what he was covering. The thought brought a flush to her face, and she forced the picture out of her head. Focus, the voice in her head chided. She cleared her throat.
"Thanks for letting me in. I wasn't sure you would."
"I wasn't sure that I was going to either. What do you want?"
Diana felt the hurt of his words punch her in the chest, but she spoke before she could lose her nerve. "I wanted to say sorry. I didn't say it the other day, and I just wanted to let you know that I am. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"You think an apology was the reason I didn't want to see you today?"
"No, of course not." Diana felt herself flush. "But I thought you should have it anyway. I know what I did was wrong, but I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it to save myself from being hurt."
"Because you were scared to lose your job."
"At first, yes. But then I started falling in love with you, and it became more about losing you."
There, she had said it. But she
couldn't come to compliment herself for being honest when his face remained as hard as it had been before. The silence stretched out, and she felt her heart crumble, felt the pieces lay in her chest, broken. She reined her emotions in, halted the tears that were somehow always close to the surface with him. "I don't expect you to say you love me, too. But you could acknowledge it."
"I'm sorry you fell in love with me."
She cringed, but nodded. "Okay, well, that wasn't all I came here to say, so before I leave – and I will – you can hear me out." She took a deep breath. "Since my parents died, I've just been surviving. Yes, I love my job, and I have people in my life who cared about me, and whom I care about. Some of them even offered to lie to you about me so that I could keep my job. But despite all of that, I guarded myself, my heart and my emotions tightly. I didn't let anyone in too close. I didn't value anything too much, just in case I lost it. So I wasn't living."
Her chest heaved as she spilled out the words she had so carefully planned earlier. "At least I thought I wasn't. I thought I was protecting myself and that nothing or no-one was so close that they had power over me. And then I found myself in a situation where I was forced to realise the value of my job and how much I actually cared about the people around me. And that scared me." She searched his eyes, hoping he would see the sincerity she was offering. "So I lied to you because I didn't know how to deal with the emotions. I lied because I was scared I was losing everything again, and I didn't want to go back to that place.
"If you can see that in my point of view, William, then you should be able to know how it felt for me when I realised I was in love with you." It was easier to say this time, despite the unchanging expression on his face. "If I had been scared before, I was terrified now, but I knew I had to tell you the truth. And yes, I did delay it for too long, but I swear I was going to tell you yesterday. Before you found out. But then you did, and the rest were history.
