‘What’s wrong, lad?’ Though a working man, married with a child, Tom was always referred to by his father as ‘lad’. In an odd way, it gave him a sense of comfort, but not tonight, because tonight, there was nothing on earth that might comfort him.
‘I’ve left her.’ Tom spoke softly so the boy might not hear. He was not proud of his decison, however justified it might be. Nor was he proud of the awful burden he was about to heap on this dear man. ‘We’re not going back, Dad. Not ever!’
When his father made no response, Tom saw the worry in his face. ‘I’m sorry, Dad. I know it was a drastic step to take, but this time, she’s gone too far.’ In his mind’s eye he could see Ruth wildly attacking Casey, and the boy flinching from her, his arms held high in a feeble effort to protect himself.
‘I see.’ Bob gave a small, understanding smile. ‘You had another bad set-to with Ruth, am I right?’
‘Yes.’ He had no intentions of revealing the shocking thing Ruth had confessed to him about the stranger in the alley being Casey’s true father.
‘Hmm. Well now, with you and Ruth at loggerheads, and all things taken into account, I can mebbe understand you not wanting to go back, but have you considered what Casey wants? Oh, I know he’s not yet of an age when he can reason for himself, but he has a quick mind and a voice with which to express his own views. I trust you’ve taken his feelings into account when you say you’re “never” going back? And besides, who’s to say this upset with Ruth won’t blow over, like they’ve done many times before?’
‘Not this time, Dad.’
‘So, why not this time? What’s gone on between the two of you that’s so unforgivable it can’t be put right?’
Tom felt the anger rise in him. ‘It can’t ever be put right, Dad, because, like I say, this time she’s gone too far altogether!’
‘But in what way?’
‘It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is, she’s shown her true colours. Take my word, Dad, me and Casey are well out of it. I want nothing more to do with her. It was Casey himself who asked me to bring him here, so he could live here with you. He told me he never wants to go back there.’
For a long, tense moment, the air was thick with Tom’s outburst. Then, almost in a whisper, Bob revealed what was on his mind. ‘This upset between you and Ruth … a man, was it?’
For some time now, he had overheard snippets of worrying gossip. He kept them to himself, because like many a parent, he believed any problems should be taken care of inside the relationship, though it seemed in this particular case that might be too much to ask. ‘That’s it, isn’t it, lad? That wandering wife o’ yourn has been cheating on you again.’
Tom was shocked. ‘What makes you ask that?’ He had no idea that his father was aware of Ruth’s seedy other life.
‘Oh, lad! I might be long in the tooth, but I’m not a fool.’ When under pressure, Bob had a habit of biting his bottom lip, which he did now. ‘The thing is, I’ve heard mutterings now and then. I had hoped it was just idle gossip amongst folks who’d got nothing better to do. I’m sorry, Tom. I should have known there’s no smoke without fire. So, is it true then … what they say?’
Tom merely nodded, his sense of shame increasing tenfold.
Getting out of his chair, Bob went to the door and softly closed it. Then he laid his broad, comforting hand on Tom’s shoulder. ‘You and the boy can stay ’ere as long as you need to. I’ll not ask any questions, and I’ll not intrude in your marriage … unless o’ course you need me to. Whichever way you want to handle it, lad, I’m here for you.’
‘Thanks, Dad.’ Tom was deeply moved by his father’s support. ‘I promise you, Dad, I haven’t taken this step lightly. For a long time now, I’ve tried to keep the marriage together, mainly for Casey’s sake – you’ve no idea how I’ve tried – but she doesn’t love us … not me, and certainly not the boy.’
In that moment, he believed he was the one who had failed, and that things could only get worse. It broke his heart to realise that, out of all this chaos, the person who would be hurt most was young Casey.
As Tom hung his head and choked back the tears, his father held him close. ‘It’ll be all right, son,’ he said. ‘Whatever it is, we’ll face it together, me and you … and our precious boy.’
Tom gave no answer. Instead he kept his head buried in his father’s shoulders until his sobs began to subside.
The old man also had tears in his eyes. ‘Hey, come on now, lad. Don’t let the boy see you like this. Best get to your bed, eh? Right now, your mind is all over the place. In the morning, we’ll all be thinking clearly, then we’ll talk it through, and deal with it.’
Holding Tom at arm’s length, he was relieved when Tom smiled back at him. ‘That’s better, son. So, is my plan a good ’un, d’you think?’
‘Yeah, Dad. As good as any I’ve heard.’
When his father seemed relieved, Tom regretted not being able to tell him about the other matter that haunted him. For some time now, Tom had been on the brink of confiding in that dear man, but he could not bring himself to burden him with such crippling news, even though he knew his father would move Heaven and Earth to bring him a measure of peace.
So now, as he thanked his father for accommodating him and Casey, Tom managed a smile; though it was a shallow effort.
Tom was well versed in putting on a brave face, so the old man had no idea that his son was carrying a much heavier burden than he was yet ready to reveal.
Sometimes in life, bad things happened and there was no real explanation as to why. All Tom knew was that these past weeks had been almost unbearable. There was no way for him to ease his mind, and no way he could share the load. So, he carried the burden alone; praying that somehow, his instincts might lead him to do the right thing, for everyone; especially his son.
Somewhere deep inside himself, Tom wanted to believe that Ruth did love the boy, and yet her every word, look and action showed only hatred. Casey felt her rejection of him, and in turn he began to lose both respect and love for his mother. It was a difficult situation, which over the years, had widened the rift between Tom and his wife, and made him love his son even more.
His thoughts now turned to his father. The truth was that however the darling old man might want to ‘work out’ his son’s problems, there was no way that could ever happen. What was done was already done, and there could be no turning back.
In her seemingly cruel way, Fate had intervened.
The dice were thrown and there were no winners.
‘I reckon you’d best get the boy to bed, afore he falls asleep on the kitchen floor.’ Tom was jolted out of his thoughts by his father’s timely reminder.
‘I’ll do that right now,’ Tom answered. ‘Mind you, I don’t suppose he’d care much if we left him there till morning.’
‘Well, we’re not having that. So, go on, you put your son to bed, and meantime I’ll get us a drop o’ summat good to warm the cockles.’ Reaching out, he patted Tom on the arm. ‘How does that sound, eh?’
‘Sounds good to me.’ Tom looked into those kindly blue eyes and for one precious moment he felt incredibly safe; even strong enough to take on the world all by himself. ‘I can never thank you enough, Dad, for taking us in like this.’
‘Oh, give over. You and me, we look after each other. Always have, always will.’ He gave Tom a friendly push. ‘Now then, be off and get the lad to his bed.’
As Tom hurried towards the kitchen, Bob called after him, ‘You needn’t worry if you didn’t have time to pack a bag for the lad. Casey allus keeps a spare pair o’ jamas here. And I’ve enough shirts upstairs to open a shop. Find one that doesn’t altogether drown him, and he’ll come to no harm. Now then! Don’t forget to fetch him in ’ere, so’s he can say good night to his old granddad.’
Tom found Casey on the kitchen floor, with the comic spread out in front of him, but he wasn’t reading it. Instead, he was lying flat, with his arms stretched out, and his head resting
on his arms. ‘It’s time for bed, son.’ Tom stooped down beside him. ‘Granddad Bob needs you to say good night.’
Big, soulful eyes looked up at Tom. ‘Did Granddad Bob say we can stay here then?’ His voice was suspiciously shaky, and from the smudges round his eyes, Tom suspected he’d been crying.
‘We can stay here as long as we want, that’s what he said.’
‘Can’t I stay up a bit longer?’
‘No, son. You’ve had a rough time of it. You need to get your sleep. You look shattered, and besides, me and Granddad Bob need to talk … grown-up stuff, if you know what I mean?’
‘About that man?’
‘About all sorts of things.’ Tom wisely skirted the reference to ‘that man’.
‘Dad?’
‘Yes.’ Taking the boy by his arms, Tom drew him up. ‘What is it, son?’
‘I don’t think I can go to sleep.’
‘Oh, and why’s that?’ Tom needed to satisfy himself that, tonight of all nights, his son should sleep well and be safe from harm.
One thing was certain: there would be no sleep for Tom himself. Not with his mind in such turmoil. He needed space and quiet in order to think things through. He had to be sure he was doing the right thing for everyone, and not just for himself. Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, he had made an agonising decision, which was bound to cause further pain and regrets for those he loved.
To his surprise, he found himself counting Ruth in that group. He knew she could be unbelievably cruel, and he deeply regretted the shame she had brought to their marriage. Moreover, he had seen at first hand her uncontrollable dislike for the boy. And yet, for some reason Tom was surprised to find that he still had feelings for her.
Angry and confused, he thrust away his thoughts and concentrated on Casey. ‘Right then, son, let’s have you. First, you can say good night to your granddad, then it’s off up them stairs.’
‘OK.’ Without further ado, the boy replaced the biscuit barrel to the shelf, then he folded his comic and tucked it under his arm, before giving a long, lazy yawn. ‘Did Granddad really say we can stay here?’
‘If we want to, yes.’
‘Well, I want to, ’cause I never want to go back home.’
‘All right, son, but for now, I need you to put it all out of your mind and get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day, isn’t that so?’ He thought it surprising that, even after all the turmoil and troubles, the boy still referred to that unhappy dwelling on Henry Street as ‘home’.
Granddad Bob held Casey a moment longer than he might normally have done. ‘You’ve had a bit of a rough time,’ he said, ‘but it’s all behind you now, so put it out of your mind, lad. And while you’re here, you and your dad must treat this place as your own home. D’you understand?’
‘Thank you.’ The boy hugged him. ‘I love you, Granddad Bob.’
‘Mek sure you do, or you’ll get no more ginger biscuits.’ He gave a little wink. ‘Right?’
‘Right!’
Giggling, Casey ran across to his father. ‘Granddad Bob is really funny.’
Tom laughed. ‘Until you leave the bathroom in a mess, then you’ll find out differently.’
‘I don’t leave the bathroom in a mess.’
‘Ah, well, that’s a good job then, isn’t it?’
As the two of them went up the stairs, chatting and laughing, the old man remained deep in thought.
The boy’s overheard remark about ‘that man’ had only confirmed his suspicions about Ruth’s continuing affairs.
Yet Bob wondered whether that was just one reason for Tom’s distress. He couldn’t help but feel that Tom was keeping something back. Something he was not yet ready to share. What else besides his marriage had gone wrong?
The idea of Tom carrying some deep problem he felt unable to share was deeply worrying to the old man; so much so that he began pacing back and forth across the parlour.
Upstairs, Tom lingered by the bathroom door while young Casey squirted a measure of toothpaste onto his finger before rubbing it into his teeth. ‘If we’re staying here now, I’ll need a new toothbrush. I don’t want to go back and get my old one. Is that all right, Dad?’
‘Fine by me, so long as you stop talking and get on with the business of cleaning your teeth.’
A few minutes later, Casey was done. He then wiped the basin over with a flannel. ‘That’s all clean now, eh, Dad?’ Combing his tousled hair, he smiled at Tom.
‘Why yes! I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a clean basin. I reckon Granddad Bob will be very pleased with that. You know how fussy he is about his bathroom.’
As they made their way to the small bedroom, Casey wanted to know, ‘Why is Granddad Bob so fussy about his bathroom?’
Tom gave it some thought. ‘I reckon it’s because, for a long time, we never had a proper bathroom. My mother – the grandma you never knew – well, she always dreamed of having a proper bathroom, instead of bringing in the tin bath that hung on the wall outside. So anyway, when they finally got the boxroom turned into a bathroom, Mam was so happy that she was very particular about having it left clean and tidy.’
‘Why was she so puticlar?’
‘I think you mean “particular”.’
‘Hmm! Well, why was she so … you know … that?’
‘I’ll answer your question when you say the word properly.’ Tom sounded it out: ‘Par-tic-u-lar.’
‘All right then. So, why was she so par-tic-u-lar?’
Laughing, Tom clapped his hands. ‘Well done! Mum was so proud of the bathroom that she wanted visitors to see it in all its shining glory, polished up and clean as a whistle. Your granddad remembers that, and it’s why he, too, wants the bathroom always to be left clean, just the way Grandma would have liked it.’
‘Oh, I see.’ Casey was happy with the explanation.
Tom turned back the bedclothes and Casey climbed in.
‘Dad?’
‘Yes, son?’
‘I love it here, with Granddad Bob.’
‘Good.’
‘Can we stay for ever?’
‘Maybe.’
‘Would you like to stay here for ever, Dad?’
‘I think so.’ If things were different, he wondered if his answer might have been more definite.
‘And d’you think Granddad Bob would be willing to put up with us, if we stayed for ever, I mean?’
‘Yes, ’cause we’d be sure and look after him, wouldn’t we?’
‘That’s right! You could take him to the pub sometimes, and in the summer we could go on picnics; he’d like that. And I could run errands and fetch in the coal. We could go to Blackpool on Sundays and ride on the hobby-horses and after that, we could make sandcastles on the beach. Oh, and then—’
‘Whoa!’ Tom laughed out loud. ‘That all sounds too exhausting and wonderful, and I’m sure Granddad Bob would love it, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to get all wound up just now, when I need you to go to sleep.’ He added cautiously, ‘No doubt there’ll be time for all that later on.’
The memories of his own wonderful childhood flooded Tom’s mind and lifted his heart. Lately, though, he had discovered that sometimes life was really cruel.
When the boy yawned again, Tom tucked the bedclothes over him. ‘I’m so proud of you, son.’ He sat on the edge of the bed, his fingers twining through the boy’s thick hair. ‘No man ever had a more wonderful son.’
‘Dad?’
‘Go to sleep, Casey.’
‘But I want to ask you a question.’
‘Aw, go on then. But that’s the last one.’
‘Are you proud of me when I play the guitar and sing?’
‘Of course. How could I not be proud of you, eh? You have a gift, and you must always use it. But I’m not only proud of you for that. I’m proud of you because you’re a good boy. It makes me feel special to have a son as fine as you.’
For a moment he paused, looking Casey in the eye. ‘I want you to t
ell me the truth, Casey. Are you sorry we left home … and your mam?’
‘No, Dad, I’m not sorry. I can’t be happy at home, because Mam won’t let me be. She gets angry and she makes me cry, even when I haven’t done anything wrong.’
Tom received the boy’s answer with mixed feelings. ‘Do you think you might be able to forgive her … some day in the future?’
Lowering his gaze, Casey considered Tom’s question before answering quietly, ‘I don’t know. Sometimes, I don’t like Mam very much, and sometimes … well, I think I might love her. Only she doesn’t want me to love her, and she won’t love me back.’
‘I understand what you’re saying,’ Tom reassured him. In his heart he was content to think that Ruth might never again get her claws into this boy. Then again, Casey was her son, and he needed a mother. And yet, if Ruth really had no warm feelings for him, he might be better off without her altogether.
‘It’s difficult to love someone, isn’t it?’ Tom said now. ‘Like you, I’m not really sure if she wants us or not. But there’s always the chance that she’ll change her mind. And if that happens, it would of course be for you to decide whether or not you want to forgive her.’
‘I’ll never forgive her!’ Casey had not forgotten. ‘She called me a liar, and I know what I heard. Anyway, she doesn’t want me. She said so.’
Before Tom could reply, the boy asked quietly, ‘She meant it, didn’t she, Dad?’
Tom shrugged. ‘Yes, I think she did … at the time, but when we’re angry, we all say all kinds of things we don’t mean.’
‘Well, if she doesn’t want me, then I don’t want her. I’ve made up my mind, and I won’t go back.’
‘All right, son. That’s enough now. We’re here at Granddad’s, and he said you can stay as long as you want. So, let’s leave it at that, shall we?’
‘All right.’
‘I love you, Casey, and all I want is for you to be happy.’
‘But I can’t be happy just now, ’cause I’m a little bit sad that I can’t play the guitar any more.’
‘Then we’ll just have to get it mended, won’t we?’
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