Sure, admiring yourself in the mirror wearing somebody else’s fur coat.
PHYLLIS
I can’t lose that job.
ALMA
So, what else did you tell him?
PHYLLIS
I don’t remember.
ALMA
Phyllis, the whole key to our success is that we remember what we said and what we didn’t say.
PHYLLIS
I told him I was a Sagittarius.
ALMA
Why did you tell him that?
PHYLLIS
He wanted to know if I was a Capricorn.
ALMA
He’s getting you to say the right thing by telling you the wrong thing. I need you to focus here and stop going sideways all the time.
PHYLLIS
He said they would go easier on us if we confess.
ALMA
Let me tell you something: we have no position if we confess. Got it? Tell them anything, but do not sign a confession. We are not thieves. We are leaving here with our heads held high . . . and those steaks.
OTTO enters with DOM behind him.
OTTO
Hello, ladies.
Silence.
Oh, the silent treatment. I get it. So. Who wants to start?
No takers.
Everybody co-operates, this shouldn’t take long.
ALMA
I sure hope not. We got a bus to catch.
OTTO
Did you hear that? They got a bus to catch.
DOM
I heard.
OTTO
Step back a little, give the ladies some room.
PHYLLIS
Are you going to call the police?
OTTO
What do you think?
DOM
What do you think?
OTTO
And try not to repeat what I say; it diminishes the effect.
ALMA
Maybe they don’t want to call the police. False arrest is serious business. Without a confession they’re living on borrowed time.
OTTO
There’s always the cameras.
Beat as DOM struggles with the lie.
ALMA
He pulled a weapon on me, you know that?
PHYLLIS
He did?
OTTO
He tells a different story.
DOM
It was a pen.
OTTO
It’s his probationary period.
ALMA
So I hear.
OTTO
So which one of you here is the ringleader?
DOM
(points to ALMA) Her.
OTTO
(to DOM) Are you being questioned?
ALMA
We don’t know each other. Never met.
OTTO
And yet, you’re catching a bus together.
ALMA
Blame public transit.
PHYLLIS cries.
DOM
Are you crying?
ALMA
No.
OTTO
Don’t ask if she’s crying.
ALMA
Stop crying.
DOM
What should I ask her?
OTTO
Just sign this statement, ladies, and we can wrap the whole thing up, right here, right now.
ALMA
There’s nothing on this paper.
OTTO
I’ll fill it out later. I know you got a bus to catch.
ALMA
If you had something on us, you wouldn’t need us to sign anything.
DOM
Is that right?
ALMA
You need to prove intent.
OTTO
That’s a very interesting reading of the law.
ALMA
The Supreme Court reading.
DOM
Yeah?
OTTO
In here, we’re the law.
DOM
The sword of justice.
PHYLLIS
Sword?
ALMA
I hope you’re familiar with the protocols of the Geneva Convention.
OTTO leans in.
OTTO
You know what I’m familiar with?
ALMA
Not deodorant.
PHYLLIS
I’m from Bulgaria!
ALMA
And if that isn’t bad enough, we’ve been sitting in this room together for fifteen minutes, trying to figure out how we both ended up in here together.
OTTO
Serendipity, I guess.
ALMA
You’ll get those steaks to talk before you get us to.
PHYLLIS
What’s serendipity?
DOM
What do you think, Phyllis?
OTTO
(to DOM) Breathe, like I told you.
PHYLLIS
How did you know my name?
ALMA
By the way, it’s her birthday, just for the record.
OTTO
Oh. Congratulations. You hear that?
PHYLLIS
What’s he doing with his eyes?
OTTO
So, apparently you do know each other.
ALMA
We’ve been sitting in here for fifteen minutes. You think we’re not going to introduce ourselves?
OTTO
Serendipity is a kind of strange coincidence, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
I thought you didn’t tell them my name.
ALMA
It’s not your name.
OTTO
Well, if she’s lying to us about your name, Phyllis, then I suppose she’s lying to us about everything else.
ALMA
That’s right.
OTTO
She can’t speak for herself?
ALMA
How should I know?
OTTO
You know what this is, madam?
He pops open a holster on his belt, revealing a stun gun.
PHYLLIS
Is that a gun?
ALMA
Cops carry guns. These are security guards, which means they failed the cop exams. If they passed their cop exams, they wouldn’t be working the back of a grocery.
DOM
It’s a superstore!
OTTO
You’re right, Dom. He’s right, it’s an amalgamated enterprise now. This is no mom-and-pop operation here. They don’t give a shit about you, or anybody else; one theft, to them, one theft is just the same as any other.
ALMA
Is that his name? Dom? Is that your name, son?
DOM
Don’t call me son. I was found in a cardboard box!
OTTO
Do we need to know that right now?
ALMA
I’m glad you finally told us his name, because you were supposed to identify yourselves when you first apprehended us.
OTTO
This here, Phyllis, is an electro-muscular disruption device. It puts out a high-voltage, low-amperage shock, jumping from one probe through the body and back out to the other probe, causing pain and electrical disruption to the assailant. Like so.
He picks up one of the steaks and zaps it, but drops it almost immediately and flexes his hand, which absorbed more of the shock than he anticipated.
PHYLLIS
Ah!
ALMA
You plan to use that on us?
OTTO
I’d sure hate to.
DOM
If Otto doesn’t, I will.
OTTO
Jesus.
ALMA
Is that your name? Otto? Like a car going nowhere?
Beat.
OTTO
I wonder if you ladies would excuse us for a moment.
DOM
What are we doing?
OTTO
Come with me.
He exits quickly, pulling DOM out with him.
&nb
sp; PHYLLIS
What is that thing?
ALMA
Forget about that thing.
PHYLLIS
They’re going to kill us.
ALMA
Not if we keep talking.
PHYLLIS
I thought we weren’t talking.
ALMA
We’re talking; we’re just not saying anything.
PHYLLIS
Imagine what could happen in here, and who would know? We could just disappear. We’d be like those people who just don’t exist anymore.
ALMA
What people?
PHYLLIS
I don’t know, they don’t exist anymore.
ALMA
Is there anything you don’t believe?
PHYLLIS
They have a sword!
OTTO returns, with DOM following behind.
OTTO
Sorry for the interruption, ladies.
ALMA
That’s all right, Otto.
Beat.
OTTO
Right. Since we’re all on a first-name basis here, Dom, why don’t you take Phyllis to the other room for a moment.
PHYLLIS
I can’t go back in there.
OTTO
Just to cool down a little. Me and Alma here are going to have a chat.
DOM
Can I borrow the you-know-what?
OTTO
No.
PHYLLIS
I have to be at work in fifteen minutes! And she has cancer!
ALMA
No I don’t.
OTTO
Just leave her there and come back.
Beat.
DOM
Let’s go!
ALMA
Don’t say anything.
PHYLLIS
I’m a vegetarian!
They go. A long beat of considered silence.
OTTO
So.
ALMA
So.
OTTO
Steaks?
ALMA
It’s a special occasion.
OTTO
It is now.
ALMA
Your partner threatened me with a ballpoint pen.
OTTO
Overzealous.
ALMA
Not like you.
OTTO
I take the broader view.
ALMA
Intellectual, are you?
OTTO
Looks like we got ourselves a situation here, Alma.
ALMA
Looks like.
OTTO
Just how, exactly, are we going to get ourselves out of it?
ALMA
You could let us go for a start.
OTTO
I’m inclined to.
ALMA
What’s standing in your way?
OTTO
You are.
ALMA
Me?
OTTO
I feel like maybe it’s time we had a real conversation.
ALMA
What about?
OTTO
I don’t know, the nature and the meaning of theft, maybe.
ALMA
I got a bus to catch.
OTTO
Or how about, instead, we go for a little walk over to the meat department? I got a butcher there who needs to ID you.
ALMA
Okay, let’s pretend, for a moment, that she was stealing a steak.
OTTO
Who?
ALMA
Her.
OTTO
What about you? What were you doing?
ALMA
We can talk about me later. I’m setting up a hypothetical situation here. It’s difficult to do that, objectively, if I’m involved.
OTTO
So, you’re saying that she stole a steak, but you didn’t.
ALMA
I’m not saying anything. I’m creating a context for our conversation about theft, the nature and meaning of.
OTTO
Okay.
ALMA
Say she had a reason to steal.
OTTO
What reason?
ALMA
Pick one. There are reasons for things. But you don’t see that reason, because you’re too busy applying the law.
OTTO
Let’s go for that walk.
ALMA
I hear you’re stepping down.
Beat.
OTTO
All right. So, let’s say she stole the steak, for a reason.
ALMA
Hypothetically.
OTTO
Hypothetically.
ALMA
What are the actual consequences of her action?
OTTO
How would you feel if somebody stole something from you?
ALMA
I think you’re trying to compare me to a large supermarket chain. I’m just a person, with feelings.
OTTO
Me too.
ALMA
I didn’t steal from you.
OTTO
You did, you did steal from me.
ALMA
How did I do that?
OTTO
Because I am this supermarket.
ALMA
Oh yeah?
OTTO
What? You think I’m just a little cog in the big wheel of corporate enterprise? You think a rearrangement of company priorities is going to affect who I am one iota?
ALMA
Is that why you’re quitting?
OTTO
Let me tell you something, just so I can create a different context for this conversation. You’re not talking to some little guy, just like every other little guy, who’s going through the motions here, some robot they hired to mindlessly patrol his assigned area, professional in every manner.
ALMA
So, what, they fired you?
OTTO
Fuck them.
Walkie-talkie.
What?
Walkie-talkie.
Stop calling me.
Walkie-talkie.
Well, tell her to calm the fuck down.
Walkie-talkie.
Well, then bring her back in here.
Walkie-talkie.
Yeah, over and out.
Beat. He breathes heavily.
ALMA
Why don’t you loosen your tie, Otto?
Beat.
It’s gonna be a long afternoon.
Blackout.
Scene Four
The room is empty. Suddenly, the door flies open and PHYLLIS is shoved into the room, followed by DOM. He sits her down in a chair, and then speaks surreptitiously into his walkie-talkie.
DOM
Otto? Are you there? Over.
PHYLLIS
I told you, I have to pee.
DOM
Please remain seated, ma’am. (into walkie-talkie) Otto?
PHYLLIS
Where have they gone? I knew this would happen. It was too extravagant.
DOM
Keep your voice down.
PHYLLIS
You just want me to keep my voice down so that I keep my voice down.
DOM
What? (into walkie-talkie) Otto?
PHYLLIS
What do you want from me?
DOM
A confession is what I want.
PHYLLIS
I confess that I didn’t do anything.
DOM
You broke the law.
PHYLLIS
I have peripheral edema.
DOM
No you don’t. What is that?
PHYLLIS
It’s a very serious condition, just so you know.
DOM
Is it fatal?
PHYLLIS
Possibly. It’s a swelling of the feet from standing around all day behind a counter. There was a stool in the corner, but, no, the manager took that away because in the opinion of the
head hostess I looked bored when I sat on it. She doesn’t know the difference between boredom and – that other thing.
DOM
Is that why you stole meat?
PHYLLIS
I didn’t steal anything. And even if I did, which I didn’t, it wasn’t my idea. I said just because it’s a big grocery store doesn’t mean that you can take things. It’s not like a rich lady who doesn’t care about seventy-five cents she didn’t even know was in her pocket in the first place. It’s an institution, is what I said, which takes stock of things.
DOM
Do you know what the seventh commandment is?
PHYLLIS
Is it the one about lying?
DOM
It’s the one about stealing.
PHYLLIS
You can have it all back.
DOM
Have all what back?
PHYLLIS
Nothing.
Beat.
DOM
You got more stuff under there? I am not allowed to search you, so I am asking you with my searching voice.
PHYLLIS
Just this.
She removes a Happy Birthday tiara from under her skirt and hands it to him.
DOM
What is this?
PHYLLIS
And this.
She removes a package of birthday candles and a bottle of sprinkles from her jacket pockets and places them on the table.
PHYLLIS
And that’s all. That’s everything. And this –
She removes a box of sugar and a bottle of canola oil from her purse and places them on the table. Beat. Then she removes a box of cake mix from under her skirt. Beat. Finally, she removes a carton of six eggs from under her skirt and places it on the table.
PHYLLIS
Now, let me out of here.
She stands to go. He makes a judo move.
PHYLLIS
What is that?
DOM
I’m asking you one last time to sit down, ma’am. Please. For your own safety.
Walkie-talkie.
Otto?
PHYLLIS
I didn’t do anything.
DOM
Sure, we all didn’t do anything. Nobody ever coveted thy neighbour’s wife, and nobody ever made a covenant with idolaters! And nobody ever misinterpreted the Book of Solomon for their own evil purposes!
PHYLLIS
What?
DOM
Huh?
PHYLLIS
Let me go!
DOM
Stay where you are.
She moves, and he counters with one swift move, rolling over the table to block her way to the door.
DOM
What did I just say? Did I not say “stay where you are”? (whipping out his handcuffs) Now I’m going to have to restrain you.
PHYLLIS
What are those . . . are those handcuffs? Help!
He grabs her wrists and quickly cuffs them together.
PHYLLIS
What are you doing? I have scurvy! Help.
DOM
I’m just –
PHYLLIS
Help!
She is cuffed.
DOM
Now.
PHYLLIS
You’re imprisoning me, which, by the way, also means you’re also imprisoning yourself.
DOM
How? How am I imprisoning myself?
The Shoplifters Page 3
