Beat as he thinks.
That’s when I got my faith, Phyllis. When I realized that I was not alone. God was right there in the emergency waiting room. Like, waiting – get it? God would never let me murder my parents, or even the people in the basement, and he found a way to intervene. What are you doing?
PHYLLIS
I think I have a cramp.
DOM
I’m trying to talk to you about something important. I can save you, Phyllis. I can set you free.
PHYLLIS
(indicates handcuffs) You could start by undoing these.
DOM
You got caught today so that I could intervene to save you.
PHYLLIS
Save me how?
DOM
Sit still.
He stands over her.
Why don’t you believe in God, Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
I’m beginning to –
DOM
You have to believe in him with all your heart.
PHYLLIS
Can’t I just believe in what I believe in?
DOM
What do you believe in?
PHYLLIS
Things.
DOM
Things?
PHYLLIS
Numbers. Signs. Coins.
DOM
Coins?
PHYLLIS
Messages.
DOM
There is only one message.
PHYLLIS
Is it “Jesus”?
DOM
Can I please baptize you, Phyllis?
PHYLLIS
I knew this would happen; the cookie said.
DOM
Cookie?
PHYLLIS
Who needs a birthday? Why didn’t I just go to work? I got my coats, and my tip tray, and my claim numbers, and one part of the ticket that matches up to the other part.
DOM
What are you talking about?
PHYLLIS stands suddenly and takes a long step forward to hide the gun between her feet.
PHYLLIS
I could’ve just taken some less extravagant meat. What’s wrong with sandwich meat?
DOM comes around the table to where she is standing.
DOM
He made you take that steak so that you would get caught.
PHYLLIS
Why would he make me do a bad thing?
DOM
So that I could do a good one.
PHYLLIS
Really?
DOM
Just give yourself over to God, Phyllis. God loves you. Give yourself over.
PHYLLIS
Now?
He gets down on his knees.
DOM
He’s all that stands between us and sin. Believe me.
She kneels cautiously beside him, shoving the gun to one side with her foot.
PHYLLIS
Forgive me, Lord.
DOM
Forgive her.
PHYLLIS
The whole thing was Alma’s idea.
DOM
Let’s pray together. Jesus, save this woman.
He closes his eyes, and she reaches over and grabs the stun gun, slipping it into her purse.
PHYLLIS
Save me, Jesus.
Blackout. In silhouette, DOM grabs PHYLLIS by the arm and escorts her out of the room.
Scene Two
OTTO enters carrying a signed confession, followed closely by DOM.
OTTO
So you called them already?
DOM
I was waiting to talk to you first.
OTTO
Good. That’s good thinking. So this is it.
DOM
My first confession.
OTTO
Beautiful.
DOM
She just knelt down and confessed everything.
OTTO
What did I tell you about the religious approach to law enforcement?
DOM
I don’t think you did.
OTTO
No?
DOM
You seem strange.
OTTO
Do I?
DOM
Where did you go?
OTTO
When?
DOM
When you disappeared.
OTTO
I needed an ID from the butcher.
DOM
Did you torture her?
OTTO
Torture?
DOM
Your walkie-talkie came on for a second and I heard some strange sounds.
OTTO
Yeah?
DOM
Like a car that wouldn’t start.
OTTO
Do we need to talk about this?
DOM
So where is she?
OTTO
She had to use the john.
DOM
We said –
OTTO
What did we say? We didn’t say anything.
DOM
I thought we said –
OTTO
Anyway, we got a confession. Let me have a look at this here.
DOM
Look. Signed.
OTTO
I see that.
DOM
Right there.
OTTO
Don’t stand over me like that. It makes me feel like I’m – in an aquarium.
DOM
I tried the softened eyes thing, but it doesn’t work.
OTTO
No?
DOM
When you soften your eyes like that, all the anger goes away, all the rage. You lose your instinct for righteousness.
OTTO
What are you talking about?
DOM
Sinners.
OTTO
Shoplifters.
DOM
Right.
OTTO
I don’t want you talking like this anymore.
DOM
Yeah, I should keep my thoughts to myself. Because sometimes –
OTTO
Your enthusiasm is –
DOM
Is – yeah.
OTTO
We’ll go out sometime, we’ll talk about it.
DOM
Yeah. That would be –
OTTO
Meanwhile, I’m not too sure about this document here.
DOM
Why?
OTTO
Because it’s a flawed document.
DOM
How?
OTTO
For one thing, the word “meat” has an a in it. If you spell it “meet,” like this, it’s like people got together for a discussion under her dress.
DOM
We’ll just change it.
OTTO
You can’t just alter the document.
DOM
You said –
OTTO
I said a lot of things in my life, Dom. This document will be entered as evidence in court; it can’t be misleading. Look at this, you’ve got spelling mistakes, grammatical errors – that should be an apostrophe. That’s a semicolon that goes there. Jesus. I don’t even know what that is. This is extraordinarily poor penmanship, I have to say.
DOM
Who cares about the penmanship?
OTTO
I care.
DOM
You said we don’t follow the rules.
OTTO
Circumstances turn things around, and what seemed right before is wrong now, and vice versa. This case is a complicated one.
DOM
What’s complicated? They stole two steaks.
OTTO
I know. I know they did. But think about it. Did they?
DOM
Yes.
OTTO
Well, yes, they did, but –
DOM
Otto?
OTTO
Suppose nobody stole those steaks, is all I’m saying.
DOM
<
br /> But somebody did, they did.
OTTO
But I’m saying suppose we didn’t know. Suppose those steaks had just vanished from the inventory incognito, nobody the wiser? Would it have made our lives any less complete? Is it our destiny as security guards to know only wrong in the world? If we see thieves everywhere, then everywhere we look there will be only thieves.
DOM
That’s right!
OTTO
We guard against this, Dom, we guard against it with all our lives, but the thief comes anyway. How do we ever stop that?
DOM
We have a confession here.
OTTO
These are two women off a city bus. These are not the whole of the entire onslaught, the never-ending and unabating fucking reality of our life disappearing, shelf by shelf, aisle by aisle, little by little, out that automatic fucking door.
DOM
We need to get ourselves back on track here.
OTTO
I’ll tell you what we need. We need a better confession than this. Where is she right now?
DOM
I cuffed her up to a pallet of cantaloupes.
OTTO
Go and get her, we’re not barbarians in here.
DOM runs off.
OTTO
Cantaloupes, Jesus.
OTTO tears the confession in half and puts it in his pocket. ALMA enters.
ALMA
So –
OTTO
What are you still doing here?
ALMA
The situation is in flux.
OTTO
I gave you a good head start.
ALMA
Without Phyllis?
OTTO
I can deal with Phyllis.
ALMA
I’m not leaving.
OTTO
This investigation has been compromised.
ALMA
I’m not talking about this investigation. I’m talking about you.
OTTO
You’re free to go. Go!
ALMA
You think you’re getting off that easy? You think this is just about some lousy misdemeanour?
OTTO
Please, before he comes back.
ALMA
It’s not finished.
OTTO
What isn’t?
Impulsively, he takes her in his arms.
OTTO
Come here!
ALMA
Is this what they mean by “held for questioning”?
OTTO
Why are you doing this?
ALMA
It’s certainly against my better judgment.
OTTO
If you found me attractive, I’d be surprised.
ALMA
I’ve made love to worse.
OTTO
Are you just playing me? I don’t care, but tell me.
ALMA
Why are they letting you go?
OTTO
What does that matter?
ALMA
It matters. Look at me. Why are they letting you go?
OTTO
Why wouldn’t they? They say it’s about the profit margins, they say every little item counts. I begged to differ. The value of a thing, the value of a thing, we don’t ever know. A bottle of rubbing alcohol. What do you suppose that means to them? I don’t know what some dumb kid’s going to do with that, but even in a bad way I know it’s going to make his life a little better. So I look the other way. This is his third time. If he’s convicted, they send him down for two years. You ask me what a life is worth. More than a dollar forty-nine. So I turn and walk away, straight into the new manager. “You call yourself a security guard,” he says. He’s right. He’s right to let me go.
ALMA
He’s wrong.
OTTO
Is he? I was waiting for you to show up today. Hoping.
ALMA
Were you?
OTTO
You were standing in aisle five the first day I ever saw you. I remember, I watched you take a pack of razor blades, rip the back off, remove the blades, drop them into your purse, and take the package to the front, where you reported the missing blades to the cashier.
ALMA
And you didn’t stop me.
OTTO
Exactly. I didn’t. I was too intrigued. And what happened next was even stranger. You left the store, but then came back five minutes later. Marched over to the same cashier and handed the blades to her. Told her you found them outside. Why would you shoplift something only to return it?
ALMA
Feeling guilty?
OTTO
No.
ALMA
No, I was testing the system.
OTTO
Finding the sweet spot.
ALMA
And I found it.
OTTO
Over the next few months, I watched you, time after time, neatly, carefully, removing items. Sailing out the door with merchandise. But it was your breezy confidence, something about it, almost your willingness to get caught. You were daring me. You were asking me to apprehend you. And I was loving every minute of it. The others are just bandits. You, you’re something else.
ALMA
I am.
OTTO
Why do you steal?
ALMA
The situation compels me to.
OTTO
Situation?
ALMA
A wide selection of merchandise.
OTTO
What do I care? Walk out of here with everything.
ALMA
That’s gonna take a while.
Blackout.
Scene Three
ALMA and PHYLLIS are seated. DOM paces while OTTO leans against a shelf, watching him.
DOM
So – we have a signed confession from Phyllis. I would say the jig is up.
Beat.
That’s what I would say.
OTTO
Yeah, don’t say “the jig is up” – it’s not a great expression.
ALMA
Why did you sign anything?
PHYLLIS
He made me see the error of my ways.
DOM
She found God.
ALMA
Where?
PHYLLIS
I’m a new person.
ALMA
Great. So where does that leave us?
DOM
Right here, lady. Right here!
ALMA
And when are you going to uncuff her?
DOM
Once you’ve signed this.
OTTO
Dom, you’re getting too emotionally invested.
PHYLLIS
Just sign the confession.
DOM
Sign it.
OTTO
Don’t talk to her in a threatening manner.
DOM
What?
OTTO
You heard me.
DOM
Whose side are you on?
OTTO
Ask her nicely. She’s a human being.
DOM
A what?
ALMA
Lighten up a little.
DOM
But –
OTTO
Nicely.
DOM
We’re going too easy on them!
He turns toward ALMA.
(pleasantly) Will you please sign this document? Ma’am? Thank you.
Beat.
ALMA
That’s more like it. Now, which document is this?
DOM
This here.
OTTO
Please –
DOM
Please.
ALMA
Oh this. No.
DOM
I asked her nicely.
PHYLLIS
I have to pee.
OTTO
Ask her again. It’s a game of inches.
DOM
/>
Will you please sign this?
ALMA
Are you talking to me?
PHYLLIS
He has optical issues.
ALMA
And I’m entirely sympathetic. I may or may not have a disadvantage of my own that you may or may not be aware of.
DOM
You trying to make me feel sorry for you now?
ALMA
I’m trying to create a broader context. I’m trying to make you see that there may be more going on in the world than it appears. Stealing isn’t always just about taking things. People are stealing pharmaceutical patents so that children in Africa can have cheaper medicine. A crime? You be the judge. I don’t know why she signed that confession for you, except that she has to pee –
PHYLLIS
I just want to go back to my life is why.
ALMA
Step out from the shadows for once, Phyllis.
PHYLLIS
Maybe I am stepping out!
OTTO
We’re getting nowhere here. Uncuff this woman.
DOM
We have a signed confession.
OTTO
Do we?
OTTO tears up the rest of Phyllis’s confession and drops it on the floor. DOM stoops to collect the scraps.
DOM
What are you doing? They need to face the consequences.
OTTO
The cuffs.
DOM
This is wrong.
OTTO uncuffs PHYLLIS.
ALMA
No one is getting arrested, kid.
DOM
No?
OTTO
No.
DOM
No?
ALMA
No. Although, I have to say, Phyllis, your willingness to confess to something we didn’t even do makes it awkward to negotiate our release.
PHYLLIS
I had a revelation is why.
ALMA
Great, she had a revelation. Well, so have I. This whole thing is a dog-and-pony show. You have no case, because you didn’t actually see us conceal anything and we were out of view of the cameras.
DOM
How did she know that? You told her that?
OTTO
I –
ALMA
I drew my own conclusions, based on the fact that you didn’t call the police. And so that’s going to be the end of it. Because, while you weren’t here, your colleague and I – agreed – let’s just call it that, it would be preferable, for reasons too obvious to discuss, if we just walked.
DOM
That’s not true. Is that true? Otto?
OTTO
I think we might be looking at some procedural anomalies here.
DOM
We don’t care about those.
OTTO
We may not care about them, but we have to abide by the law.
DOM
What law?
ALMA
We play the bad guys and you play the good guys, and nobody up there really gives a rat’s ass.
DOM
Otto?
ALMA
It’s a game, and this time you lost.
She stands up.
Now thank us for our co-operation. Don’t mention it. Come on, Phyllis.
She grabs her purse, then the steaks.
The Shoplifters Page 5
