by Stella James
“Well, you might as well have a beer with me while these little pigs ruin their supper.” My mom pulls two cold bottles out of the fridge and pops the tops off before handing me one and clinking her bottle to mine.
“To Lydia,” we say. We’ve been toasting to my dead great grandmother for as long as I can remember. I take a long sip and sigh with pleasure. My mom does the same. While Cole takes after our dad with his dark hair and year round tan, I take after Judy. We have the same green eyes and the same wavy blonde hair. She wears hers short above her shoulders while I often pull mine back in a sleek bun. The only thing I got from my dad was his height. I was always the tall kid growing up and now I stand at five eleven.
“I spoke to Nadine the other day,” she says.
“Oh?”
Asher’s parents arrived home from Germany about a month after me. Nadine was kind enough to call me and fill me in on Asher’s progress. He was still due to have two more surgeries and would be seeing a physical therapist in the meantime. He would return to Blue Falls once he was formally discharged from his service.
“Would you like to know what she told me?” She asks.
I won’t lie and say that I haven’t spent the last six months thinking about Asher. I worry about him constantly. It took me a while but eventually I told my mom about how we left things. Not that I had much of a choice. Mona and her ganged up on me under the pretense of a “girls’ night”. I had one too many glasses of wine and told them everything.
My mom is terrible at acting casual and even worse at keeping things to herself when she thinks it’s necessary to share.
“Fine, tell me,” I sigh.
“He’s back Kate,” she says gently.
I swallow the lump in my throat and push down the mess of emotions that flood me. I knew that he would be back eventually but hearing the words still has the power to throw me off.
“How long?”
“He’s been back about two weeks she said. Apparently he’s been staying at the cabin, keeping to himself mostly. She’s worried about him sweetheart.”
I don’t know what to say or how to feel. She takes my hand in hers and gives it a firm squeeze just as one of the twins starts banging his spoon on the table. I spend the next hour playing with the boys. Of course I knew deep down the minute she said Asher was back in town what I was going to do. I was going to help him. Or at the very least, try.
*
I drive over the bumpy overgrown path leading to the small fishing cabin and reconsider for the ten thousandth time my plan of attack. Asher is stubborn. He’s always been stubborn. But whatever he’s going through is going to end up killing him if I don’t at least try to help him and I refuse to believe that the boy I once knew is lost to me. I had three weeks of vacation days saved up which means I have three weeks to try and bring him back. I spent the last two days arranging for a temp to cover my position at the Mayor’s office. Being the Mayor’s assistant keeps me busy and my list of responsibilities seems endless most days but there are no major functions coming up this month and I made sure to leave no loose ends. I’ll spend the next three weeks focused on the task at hand.
My dog, Asshole, perks up on the passenger seat and keeps his eyes glued to the windshield. I love my dog regardless of the fact that he’s an ugly old thing. I remember the night we found him, alone, filthy and starving in the ditch. It was after senior prom. I didn’t have a date since Mona insisted we boycott dicks and go with each other. Asher went with Becky Johnson, a cheerleader – naturally. But somehow the three of us ended up ditching the dance and sitting out on the abandoned football field.
“Ten bucks says Becky’s in the bathroom crying into her corsage because she can’t find her pretty boy date,” Mona says.
“Fuck off Mona. Although you’re probably right,” Asher laughs and catches the beer cap she throws at him. I don’t know why he even bothered taking her if he doesn’t care. I guess to fulfill his destiny of being the prom king football God. What a bunch of bullshit. I know he’s enlisting as soon as he can. He hasn’t told his parents or anyone else yet but he mentioned it to me weeks ago and I know Asher well enough to know that he already has his mind made up.
“We should probably go soon. I want to study for finals tomorrow and I don’t want to be tired as shit.” I was prepared for their protests but I didn’t waiver. I worked my ass off for four years and already had an offer to work at the Mayor’s office as long as I keep my grades up. It’s a good job and I don’t want to risk losing it. Especially since I plan on staying in Blue Falls after graduation.
We climb into Asher’s old ford pickup and drop Mona off first. We take the short highway that leads out of town to the county road we both live on.
“Are you going to tell them?” I ask.
“Yeah I guess I better. My mom’s gonna flip out.”
“Probably. But you can’t live your life for them Asher.”
He glances at me and gives me a tight smile. He looks back to the road and curses before swerving to a stop.
“What the fuck was that?!”
We get out of the truck and follow the faint whimper coming from the ditch. I crouch down to get a better look and realize it’s an animal.
“Asher, help me.”
We manage to coax the mangy thing onto the road. It looks like a dog. Kind of. I reach out my hand and let him sniff me before I scratch him behind the ears. He rolls over onto his back and happily accepts a belly rub. He’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. I want to keep him.
“Jesus, he must be a stray, look how skinny he is.” Asher jogs back to his truck and grabs a bottle of water from the front seat and pours it in a steady stream while the dog gulps it down.
“Let’s load him up,” I say.
“And take him where exactly? The vet’s office is cl-“
I hold up my hand to firmly yet politely shut him up.
“I’m taking him home.”
Asher throws his head back and laughs. I’m going to miss his laugh.
“You’re going to keep him? This dirty old mutt?”
“Of course I am. I need someone to keep me company while you’re gone.”
I leave it there because at this point, there’s nothing more to say. Asher nods and hoists my new pet up into the box of the truck. We get back in and continue on home.
“So, what are you gonna call him?” He asks.
“Asshole,” I say with a smirk.
I’m really going to miss his laugh.
My destination comes into view, the cabin itself is modest and looks smaller than it really is compared to the towering mountains and infinite forest surrounding it. The lake sits behind it, a quiet pool of blue water where I spent countless Sunday mornings growing up. Asher’s old dark green pickup sits in front of the porch. I’m not surprised to see that thing still running, there’s no way Asher’s dad would have let it sit and rust while he was away. My memories are interrupted as my gaze is drawn to the man chopping wood. The very large man whose muscles are flexing with exertion beneath his tight long sleeved shirt. His strong jean clad legs move with purpose as he chops and stacks. His hair is dark and thick, tied back at the nape of his neck in a messy knot and he sports a short beard of the same colour. My immediate attraction to this man is terribly inconvenient. I remind myself that this is Asher…the boy I grew up with and the fact that my palms are now damp and I can feel the blush creeping up my neck simply means that I have gone far too long without a date. Something I will remedy as soon as I’ve helped Asher get back on his feet. I put the car in park and take a deep breath before opening my door and stepping out. His back is to me, he adds two fat pieces of wood to the already massive pile and pauses. Before I can stop him, Asshole leaps from the car and runs up to him, circling around his feet and wagging his tail with delight. Asher reaches down and strokes him behind the ears.
“Hey boy,” his voice is deep and rough, much like the last time I heard it. He turns to face me and looks me up and
down slowly.
“You shouldn’t have come here, Katie.”
I open the door to the back seat and grab the bag I packed. I don’t say anything as I walk past him and into the cabin.
“Fuck,” he mutters just as I close the door behind me.
Chapter 4
Asher
Blue Falls is a small town and I knew I’d see her eventually, but I didn’t think she’d actually come out here. I should have known better. I stand there like an idiot, staring at the front door of the cabin. The part of me that can’t stop being angry wants to barge in there and tell her to fuck off. I want to tell her that I don’t want or need her around. Asshole whines at my feet and nudges my hand until I give him the belly rub he’s after. I can’t believe Katie still has this old mutt. The memory of the night we found him plays through my clouded mind.
I’d gone to senior prom with some cheerleader whose name I can’t remember. It was a joke that I even took a date because I ended up spending most of the night sitting on the football field with Katie and Mona anyways.
When I pulled over after nearly hitting that damn dog, she jumped out of the truck and gathered up the flowing fabric of her red dress so that she could climb into the ditch and see if he was okay. She didn’t bat an eye when he slobbered all over her. That was the thing about Katie, she liked neat. But I always got to see the side of her that didn’t care. It used to piss Mona off that I was the only one Katie was like that with. But it made sense to me, Katie was the one person who I could always be myself with. Half the time I didn’t even have to talk and she knew what I was thinking. It was only natural that I was someone who she could let go with. It had been that way between us since we were kids.
But everything is different now. We aren’t kids anymore and I’m not looking for a damn saviour or a reminder of the past. I don’t need pity or a shoulder to cry on. The thought of Katie feeling sorry for me only adds fuel to my brewing anger. I stomp to the front door and swing it open to find her sitting at the small kitchen table. Her eyes don’t leave the notepad she’s writing on as I make my way to the sink and fill a glass with cold water. The fact that she sits there as if she belongs has me spitting my words at her through clenched teeth.
“What the hell are you doing here Katie?”
“What the hell does it look like I’m doing?” She still doesn’t look up.
I snatch the pad of paper from under her hand and see that she’s writing out a grocery list.
“Always with the fucking lists. You’re wasting your time you know. I don’t need groceries and you’re not staying.”
She leans back in her chair, crosses her arms in front of her chest and looks up at me.
“I beg to differ,” she says. Her voice is cool, her eyes daring me to argue.
“You beg to differ? Cut the bullshit, Katie. I don’t need you here and I don’t want you here. So forget about your little list and go the fuck home.” I crumple up the paper in my hand and chuck it on the floor.
She tilts her head to the side and smiles tightly. As irritated as I am, I’ll take her forced smile over pity any day. And there is definitely no pity in the stubborn set of her jaw.
“The last time you told me to go the fuck home, I listened, Asher. I packed my bags and I hopped on the first available flight home and I stayed put. Because I knew you were hurting and I wanted to give you what you asked for. But that was six months ago. Your parents are worried about you. I’m worried about you. I’ll never be presumptuous enough to assume that I know what you’ve gone through or what you’re still going through. But I won’t just turn around and leave. I can’t.” She stands then and plucks the discarded list off the floor and smooths it out.
“So you can go ahead and stomp around here like a damn primate, cursing my presence and willing me to leave, but I won’t. I’m going to be here for you, Asher. And when you’re ready, we can talk.” She’s so sure of herself and it pisses me off.
“I don’t want you here Katie.” I can feel my rage bubbling to the surface. Whether it’s justified or not, I don’t care. I want her gone. She must sense my control slipping because she brings her concerned gaze to meet mine and speaks softly.
“It’s either me or your parents, Asher. Either I stay, or I call them and they show up. Which is worse for you?”
Fuck. I slam my empty glass into the kitchen sink harder than I need to and head back outside. I spend the next two hours chopping wood. She had me and she knew it. The last thing I want is my parents hanging around here trying to put me back together. If she wants to stay, fine. Once she realizes that I’m not worth the effort, she’ll leave me alone. And I can go back to existing in silence.
*
It’s dark by the time I finish exhausting myself with chores and head back to the cabin. I kick the mud off my boots and open the door. Katie sits on the tattered old couch in front of the small wood stove, Asshole curled up at her feet. She puts her book down and looks up at me and smiles.
“There’s soup on the stove, I found a couple of cans in the back of the cupboard,” she says.
I do little more than grunt my response before heading to the bathroom. The cabin itself is old but there’s electricity and plumbing, I don’t need much else. I strip off my dirty clothes and step into the shower. The hot water offers me a moment of reprieve and I accept it greedily. I soap up and run my hands along the raised flesh on my torso. I don’t feel much pain anymore but my arm still feels tight sometimes when I overwork it. I welcome the discomfort. It isn’t nearly enough in my opinion. It doesn’t seem fair that two men died that day and all I got were ugly scars that can easily be hidden. The water runs cold and I step out to grab a towel. I wrap it around my waist and don’t bother with a shirt. Katie needs to see just how ugly I am, on the outside and on the inside. I pass back through the small living room towards the only bedroom and catch her glance as she looks up and takes in the jagged lines and twisted scars that now mark me. Her expression is blank, her voice calm as her gaze holds mine.
“I turned off the stove, eat your supper before it gets cold,” she says.
I can still feel her eyes on me after I turn and walk away.
Chapter 5
Kate
I wasn’t prepared for Asher to walk out of the bathroom in just a towel but I knew that my reaction could make or break my purpose. He wants me to leave so that he can drown himself in a bottle and fight his demons alone, but I won’t let that happen. He thinks he can repulse me and use it against me to start a fight but there is nothing about this man that I find repulsive, physically or otherwise. We’ve never been more to each other than friends but I would have to be dead not to notice just how attractive he is. From his dark hair and matching eyes, to his muscular body and strong hands. He towers over my tall frame and makes me feel dainty, which isn’t something I’m accustomed to. There isn’t an inch of Asher that doesn’t scream male. I glanced briefly at his exceptionally defined body and paid hardly any attention to the swatches of mismatched skin before forcing my eyes to meet his. I held his stare until he turned and left the room. I hated to see the evidence of his pain so blatantly put on display and although his injuries are obvious, they aren’t gruesome. Not to me anyways. But this is about so much more than physical scars. I need to reach Asher and pull him back before it’s too late. I peeked through the window earlier and watched him take his frustration out on an endless stack of wood. Each time he swung that axe down was harder than the last.
I put down my book and let Asshole outside one more time before bed. Since my visit wasn’t exactly welcomed, I rummage around and help myself to an extra blanket and pillow. I make my bed up on the couch and sink back into the worn cushions. Asher still hadn’t come back out by the time I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
I wake to the floor creaking beneath a set of heavy footprints and the smell of coffee wafting through the air. I roll over just as the front door closes. I watch from the window as Asher strides down to the
dock and unties the old boat. Asshole is on his heels and jumps aboard right behind him. The sun is just coming up, a thin layer of fog still hovers in the air. I dig around in the kitchen until I find a mug and pour myself a cup from the lukewarm pot. Apparently I have yet to earn hot coffee from Asher. I zap it in the old microwave and think about the last time we took the boat out and went fishing. It was the day Asher told me that he was thinking about enlisting. I knew right away that his mind was made up and I remember how sick it made me feel.
“I don’t even know if I’ll do it, Katie. It’s just something I’m thinking about.”
“You’ll go. We both know it, Asher.”
I figure I have at least a couple of hours until he comes back, I finish my coffee and take a quick shower. I tie my hair back and don’t bother with makeup. I slip on a pair of black yoga pants and a soft pink T-shirt before I called Pete’s and place an order for the groceries I had written down the day before. I don’t usually take advantage of the store’s delivery service but I don’t want to risk leaving the cabin this soon. I wouldn’t put it past Asher to bolt if he had the chance or at the very least, throw my shit out the door and lock himself inside. I think he might actually loathe my presence enough that either scenario is possible.
*
I take the last two bags from Tommy and pay him for the groceries. Just as he gets in his truck and heads back to town, Asher comes around the corner, irritation clear in his expression.
“Who the hell was that?”
“Can you grab that bag and bring it into the kitchen please?”
I turn and go inside. I know he’s spoiling for a fight but I won’t take the bait. The door shuts firmly, he drops the bag on the counter and practically growls at me.
“I said, who the hell was that?”
“Tommy Walton, he delivers groceries for Pete’s. He’s a nice boy,” I empty the bags and begin to put the food away. I grab some soup cans and turn to place them on an empty shelf in the small pantry. Before I can turn back around I feel the closeness of Asher’s body to mine. I can feel the heat coming off of him as he stands perfectly still behind me causing a faint but distinct hum to caress my skin. Having him suddenly so near catches me off guard and I can’t help the slight ache of desire that I feel between my thighs. His breathe is low and even and tickles the skin on the back of my neck. I’m afraid to move and break the spell so I remain still as I hear him inhale softly.
