by Stella James
I look over at the bar and see Asher sipping a drink. I wasn’t expecting him to show up tonight and the fact that he did has given me a glimpse of hope. The last few weeks have been off and it has scared me to death but I know that we are strong enough to pull through. I trust him to get the help he needs in order to move forward and I’m hoping that our vision of the future is the same. I have fallen absolutely and completely in love with him and I know in my heart that there is no one else for me. The love that I feel for Asher is so deep within me that I can’t help but wonder if it’s been there all along. Through every minute we spent in that old treehouse and every morning on the bus to school, it must have been there, waiting. Tonight I’m going to tell him. I’m going to tell him that I can’t imagine life without him and that’s why it’s so important for him to get healthy. For himself, for me. For us.
I glimpse back at the bar as I make my way through the dwindling party and I’m surprised to see that Asher is no longer sitting alone. A cute blonde waitress now sits on his lap. He’s leaning in close to her and she’s giggling at whatever he’s whispering in her ear.
“Asher?” He looks up at me with glassy eyes and not even a hint of remorse. “Who’s your friend here?”
He looks at the young woman and then back to me and shrugs his shoulders. She at least has the civility to look embarrassed. She removes herself from his lap and quickly retreats back to wherever she came from.
“Katie, you really need to pull that stick out of your ass and have some fun once in a while, you know that?” His words are slurred and laced with contempt.
“Let’s call it a night, I’m done here anyways,” I reach for his hand but he pulls it away. The action feels like a slap across my face. “Asher, please, let’s just go.” I try to keep my voice firm but I can feel the tremble in my words as I plead with him.
“Why, Katie? Don’t you want to stay and spend some quality time with the wonderful fucking people of Blue Falls? Because I sure do. Maybe we can all sit at one big table and I can tell everyone about what it’s like to see people die. Doesn’t that sound like fucking fun to you?” He smashes the glass in his hand onto the floor and draws the attention of the remaining crowd. I can see his parents, his mom tries to come towards us but his dad stops her. She looks devastated.
“Asher, let’s go.”
“Kate, is everything alright?” I didn’t even realize that Bennett is standing beside me until he speaks. I don’t get a chance to reply before Asher throws a punch that hits him in the jaw and sends him scrambling back into a table stacked with empty plates.
“Asher!!”
“Come on, asshole, at least hit me back,” he turns in a clumsy circle and shouts at the people watching. “Does anyone around here have the balls to fight? Anyone?!”
I’m helping Bennett up when Walker approaches Asher, I can’t hear what he’s saying but he looks livid as Asher nods and turns for the door.
“Shit, Bennett, I’m so sorry,” I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes. How could I have been so stupid to pretend that everything was going to be okay?
“Its fine, Kate. I’ve been hit before, this isn’t your fault.”
“I have to go after him and make sure he doesn’t drive, are you going to be okay?”
“Go, I’ll be fine.”
I’m about to step into the lobby when Mona pulls me back.
“Jesus Christ, Kate, this is all my fault. I guilted him into coming tonight, I’m so sorry,” she says.
“I have to go after him.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea? Because the guy I saw in there is not the Asher we grew up with. Do you even know who he is anymore?”
“I don’t know, everything is a fucking mess, but I can’t just let him leave, so either come with me or go back to what’s left of the party.”
She rolls her eyes and throws her arms up. “Of course I’m coming with you.”
Walker catches up with us just as we make it to the parking lot. Relief hits me when I see that Asher’s truck is still parked there, it’s running but I don’t see him until I peer in the driver’s side window and see that he is passed out in a heap across the front seat. It takes both Walker and I to shove him aside so I can get behind the wheel. Mona follows behind in my car and Walker takes up the rear in his own. We manage to get Asher in the cabin and to the couch but he’s half passed out the entire time.
“I don’t feel comfortable leaving you here alone with him, Kate,” Walker says firmly.
“I agree, Kate, leave him to sleep it off and come stay with us for the night,” Mona says.
I understand their concern but I won’t leave him. I can’t. I promised him that I wouldn’t.
“I’ll be fine. If he wakes up I’ll call you immediately, but I can’t leave him.”
Walker’s irritation is clear but he remains silent. I won’t budge and they both know it.
Mona wraps her arms around me. “Please call me.”
“I promise I will, he’s not going to wake up anytime soon, I’m going to get changed and try to get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow no matter what.”
She’s annoyed but relents and I’m left alone in the small cabin. I take the dog out and when we come back inside he follows me to the bedroom and doesn’t leave my side until I’m in the bed and he’s curled up on the floor beside me. As I lay there in the dark I allow the tears that I’ve held in all night to roll silently down my cheeks.
*
I open my swollen eyes as the sun dances through the curtains. I check my phone and see that it’s only been two hours since I checked it last. I peel my body from the mattress and go to the bathroom to clean myself up. Mascara is smeared under my eyes and my skin is pale. I don’t look half as bad as I feel. I get dressed and pack my two small bags all while I silently pray for Asher to wake up and stop me. But he doesn’t. I’ve been so foolish and naïve and the fact that I am typically neither of those things makes it that much worse. Asher needs help that I just can’t give him.
I walk into the living room to see him sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. He looks up at me and then to the bags in my hands. I can’t read his expression and he gives nothing away. Maybe I never could read him, not really. Maybe it was just dumb fucking luck and my own arrogance that made me think there was a time when I knew him so well. Either way, I can’t stop the words from escaping my lips. The words that give him the perfect opportunity to make it all okay. Only he doesn’t.
“Say something.”
The air between us is thick and uncertain and for a split second I think that I see shame in his eyes as he looks past me, focusing on the wall behind me. My heart aches in my chest and I know this is it. This is how we end. This is how my heart will break, slow and steady, each crack will run deeper than the last until I feel nothing but the loss of what could have been. I stand there and wait for the inevitable. I wait for him to do his worst. My eyes plead for his and as if to fulfill one last request he finally looks at me.
“I never promised you anything, Kate. I don’t know what you want from me.”
“Tell me you want to get help. Tell me you’ll go back to counseling, tell me you’ll quit drinking. God, Asher, tell me anything to keep me from walking out that door. Please.”
He says nothing and the burn in my eyes overwhelms me. I am powerless to stop the tears as they fall. I swipe at my cheeks in vain and pick up my discarded bags before straightening my spine and making my way to the door. I pause before reaching for the handle and turn one last time to face him.
“Why can’t you fight for me Asher? Why can’t you fight for us?” I shake my head and try so hard to understand. “I don’t get it, because to me, we are so worth it. How can you not feel it? How can you just throw it all away?”
I don’t expect an answer so I turn and open the door, my dog follows without a second thought. I’m almost to my car when I hear the smashing of glass and the tortured roar of the man that I will never stop loving n
o matter how much it hurts.
I pull up to my parents’ place and park my car in the driveway. I sit there until Asshole starts whining beside me. I look up and see my mom standing in the doorway watching me. I open the door and step out. I almost make it all the way up the porch steps before the pain overcomes me and I burst into tears.
“Kate? Kate, what’s wrong?”
I feel her arms come around me and I cling to her, wishing that she could make it all go away.
*
I sit in my parents’ kitchen and stare out the window, replaying my last conversation with Asher over and over again in my head. The fact that he didn’t ask me to stay isn’t what destroys me. At the time, it did. But the distance we’ve had over the last twenty-four hours has brought me a level of clarity that I didn’t have that morning at the cabin. Asher didn’t push me away because he doesn’t want me. He pushed me away because he thinks he doesn’t deserve me. It sounds arrogant but it’s the truth. I know Asher and I know that he’s hurting in ways that I will never understand. I also know that what we’ve had these last several months is real. It’s a living, breathing, consuming connection and I believe in my heart that it can’t possibly be broken this easily.
I take my eyes from the back yard just as Cole walks into the kitchen. I was a complete mess when I arrived yesterday and likely scared the shit out of both of my parents with my uncontrollable sobbing and rambling. I’m not typically known for such behavior, but it seems I’ve been doing several things that are out of character lately. He pours himself a cup of coffee and sits across from me.
“You ready to talk yet or do I have to go find mom so she can beat it out of you,” he says.
I take a sip from my own mug. “I don’t even know where to start,” I exhale heavily. “I was an idiot. I thought I could control the situation with Asher, I thought I would show up at that old cabin and remind him of who he really is and everything would go according to plan. But I fucked it all up because of my own stupid belief that I alone could make everything better. I let go of every reason I was there in the first place the minute his lips touched mine. It’s like we were in our own private little world and neither one of us wanted to face the fact that it couldn’t possibly last forever.”
“You’re not an idiot Kate, but you have to accept that Asher needs to get help because he wants to, not because you want him to.”
“I know that, but what do I do now? I left him out there all by himself and I know it’s because he thinks he’s too broken. I know he wouldn’t have just let me leave if he didn’t think he was doing me some grand gesture by sparing me. I love him Cole, I love him so much,” I don’t deny the sob that escapes my mouth. I feel my brothers arms come around me.
“Shh, it’s okay, everything’s going to be okay,” he says gently.
I want to believe him more than anything but the possibility of not having a future with Asher creates a void within me that I fear may be permanent. My heart breaks over the fact that he’s alone, with no one telling him that it will all be okay.
Chapter 18
Asher
I stand in the doorway of the bedroom and stare at Katie while she sleeps on her side, her head resting on my pillow. She looks so peaceful despite the dark smudges under her eyes and the dried tears on her cheeks. I look down at my shaking hands and fight the urge to wake her. I don’t know how I could have let things go this far. I should have known the first time my mouth claimed hers that this would end badly. I should have known that sooner or later I would fuck it all up. Maybe part of me did know, but I chose to ignore the warning. I wanted something pure and beautiful to replace the stench of guilt and regret. I wanted to believe that I could be whole again, that I could move past my shit and be someone for her. But the truth stares me blindly in the face as I watch her chest rise and fall with each breath. I’ll never be whole and the only thing left to do at this point is to let her go.
The sound of my phone pulls me from a restless sleep where my memory replays the last time I had Katie in my bed. As I reach for it, my hand knocks over the collection of glass bottles on the nightstand sending them crashing to the floor. I check the caller I.D. and see that it’s my mom again. I hit ignore and toss the phone on the bed. I don’t know how long it’s been since Katie left. I haven’t been sober long enough to bother figuring it out. I have no desire to re-live the minute I lost her so I force myself from the bed that no longer smells like her and go in search of another bottle to fill the void. I pay no attention to the smashed T.V. and coffee table as I pass the living room and begin rummaging through the kitchen cupboards. My search comes up empty until I reach the fridge and see that I’m down to nothing more than a few beers. Better than nothing. I crack one open and guzzle it back. I’m about to open another when there’s a knock at the door. I ignore it and stalk back to the bedroom. Whoever it is can rot in hell for all I care. I drink the second beer faster than the first and throw the empty bottle into the bathroom sink. The brown glass shatters. I look at my reflection and the amount of hatred I have for the man that stares back at me is blinding. I pick up a shard of glass and just as I’m about to entertain the idea of how hard I’d have to press it into my skin to draw blood, the front door crashes open, the sound of splitting wood echoes into the small room. Guess I should have answered it.
I walk back into the main room and see Cole standing in the kitchen, opening my last beer and taking a long sip.
“You owe me a new door,” I say as I grab the beer from his hand and finish it in two large gulps.
“You’re lucky that’s all that’s broken around here,” he says. Katie’s brother has never scared me but in this moment I think he might actually want to kill me. Wishful thinking on my part.
“Is that why you’re here? To kick my ass and feel better?”
“Sadly no. I’m here because my sister has been so fucking worried about your ass that she hasn’t slept in four days. She sits at the kitchen table and stares out the window at that old stupid tire swing like it’s going to magically fix everything. What the fuck man?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to give him a sarcastic reply or to tell him to get the fuck out but I surprise myself by being honest instead.
“I’m fucked up and she deserves better. You think I liked pushing away the one fucking person who makes me feel something? I love your sister, I’ll never love anyone else. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. But she is fucking stubborn and so God damn good. What kind of man would I be if I let her waste any more of her time on me?”
“Look, she’s not stupid, she knows you’re fucked up right now. She’s hurting like hell but for whatever reason she still cares about you and I can’t stand to see her like this anymore. You think you did her some heroic favor by pushing her away? She knows that’s what you were doing and it makes it that much harder on her because she knows you’re sitting out here alone not because that’s what you want but because that’s what you think you deserve.”
It guts me to think of the look in Katie’s eyes the day she left. When she asked how I could just throw us away I wanted to beg her to forget everything I said. I wanted to beg her to stay and promise her that I would get better. That I could be better. But I knew that I would be lying to her. I’m not broken, I’m shattered. And the pieces are so fucking jagged I don’t know if they’ll ever be put back together. I couldn’t put that on her. I couldn’t let her give up a real chance at being happy just to spend her time trying to “fix” me.
“I’m sorry she’s hurting, trust me, I am. But she’ll get over it and move on. She has to. She’s wasting her time worrying about me.” The idea of her with someone else nearly destroys me but it’s the way it has to be. Cole shakes his head with disappointment.
“I can’t force you to do anything, but I will say this. Kate will move on. She’ll fight it like hell, but it will happen eventually. Are you sure you’re okay with that? You okay with seeing her with someone new, loving someone else? Because if yo
u aren’t then you should probably leave town. I won’t come out here again and try to help you. I won’t be your inside track to Kate and I doubt anyone else will either. So if you really believe all that bullshit you just told me, leave town and let her move on. If you can’t do that, than figure out a way to get your shit together and be the man you claim she deserves,” he heads for the busted doorway. “I’ll send one of my guys over to fix the door.”
I’m still standing in the kitchen long after I hear the crunching of gravel beneath his tires.
*
I park in front of the house I’ve hardly set foot in over the last ten years and welcome the brief moment of familiarity that washes over me. I’m about to knock when the door opens and I see the look of helplessness and hesitation on my dad’s face.
“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I say. The moisture in my eyes spills over when he pulls me close to him and I finally fall apart.
“It’s okay Son. We’ll get through this,” he says gruffly. “It’s going to be okay.”
*
I pull my keys from the ignition and grab the duffle bag off the passenger seat. It feels good to stand and stretch out after the five hours I just spent behind the wheel. Twenty-four hours ago Cole left my place. Twenty-four hours ago I took my last sip of alcohol. With the support of my parents who yet again have shown me the meaning on unconditional love, I made some phone calls and got myself checked into the closest rehab program. Second Chances Treatment Facility. I hesitated for less than a minute before I enrolled in their ninety day treatment plan which will include extensive counseling. I can’t just do this for Katie, I have to do it for myself.
