by C. Lymari
Her nose was busted, and I knew exactly who did that.
“Next time she touches me, I’ll kill her,” she spat.
“Come on, Pamela, you can help me shower.” Gideon pulled Pam off the sofa and took her away before I could tell her that if she ever hurt Ember, I would kill her.
Slowly I opened the door the room in case Ember was sleeping so I wouldn’t wake her. She wasn’t sleeping; she was sitting crossed-legged on the bed with a notepad and pen and with papers all around her.
I knew she heard me because she kept sketching, only this time more furiously.
“No good morning?” I said sarcastically as I walked closer to the bed, picking up one of the discarded papers.
The sketch was flawless, the way she sketched the shadows. In the center was a ring focusing on the diamond in the middle. The rest of the page had the same ring, just smaller, all from a different point of view showcasing all the attributes. I picked up another page, and it was much the same with necklaces, bracelets, earrings, and more rings.
“These are amazing.” My tone was gruff.
“As amazing as it was for Pam when you fucked her,” she bit back.
Seriously? This was what the broken nose was all about? I was not in the mood for this shit. I threw the bag the doctor had given me on the bed next to her and left the food and drink for her on the side table, then walked to the bathroom without a word.
I was putting my clothes in the bag when Ember walked in holding her fancy shampoo bottles close to her chest. She stopped when she saw me. Not because I was naked, but because blood covered parts of my skin.
“You got me my stuff,” she whispered.
“Missed your smell.”
She took a deep breath, clutching the bottles to her chest. She was trying hard not to break. She didn’t want me to see how much this meant to her.
“I know you said the ‘who’ didn’t’ matter to you as long as you got paid, but did they deserve it?”
I did this for free and would do it again in a heartbeat.
“Yeah, Ember, he did.”
When I got in the shower, she got in with me. Her hand came to my back, tracing the wounds I had received on her behalf. She kissed the hole where the bullet had pierced skin. I might have been pissed as hell with her and had wanted to see her pay, but that all changed the moment I saw her in real pain. We didn’t speak any words, not when she cleaned the blood off my skin. Not when I used her minty shampoo on her. There was nothing sexual in what we did, yet it was the most intimate I’d ever been.
“I’m fucking whipped.” I broke the silence as we were drying. “I need to sleep.”
Ember stayed behind, drying her hair as I got into bed. I carefully picked up her sketches and put them on the chair. Once I was lying down, Ember came out, slipped into one of my shirts, and got on the bed with me.
“I couldn’t sleep without you here,” she confessed.
It was fucked-up that she didn’t run scared of me. But I fucking liked that.
I cupped her cheek and kissed her lips slowly. Something sweet, so I could savor it later. Then I brought her down to my side so I could let my chest rest. After I woke, I would redo the wraps. Right now, I was too fucking tired.
“I was her first,” I said.
She froze.
“It didn’t mean shit to me. No one ever has…until you. I did it because it was either me, who didn’t give a shit, or someone who would want to take it from her savagely.”
We didn’t grow up in a good place, so taking away the appeal of her virginity only protected her some.
“Well, if she ever talks about fucking you again, I will most likely kill her, and you are going to help me get rid of her body if you want me to fuck you ever again.”
My body shook when I began to laugh. Ember turned around so fast, looking at me in awe, and her face had gone soft. I brought her down to my chest, ignoring the pain, and we went to sleep.
The days leading up to the fight, the place felt tense. Everyone was on edge, and I got the feeling I was missing something, but I didn’t know what.
Things between Ren and I had changed. We weren’t soft like other couples because that wasn’t who we were, but there was an intensity that wasn’t there before. Every touch was heightened; every kiss was deeper; every word he said held more meaning. Because Ren knew actions spoke louder than words, and they had.
I was mad the day he left, hearing Pam tell me that she’d been with him. I wasn’t stupid. I was a far cry from a virgin, and I knew he’d had his fair share of women before me. I understood sex: the feeling of being wanted for a few hours, then being discarded and forgotten the next day. So it struck a chord in my insecurities. Pam had slept with Ren, and they were still together. It made me feel like I was a distraction, something temporary, and Pam would be his forever. Then it got me thinking that I probably didn’t have forever. Sooner or later, my luck would run out and the walls I’d built around my castle would come crumbling down.
Pam could tell I got upset. When she told me how good it felt when Ren fucked her, I punched that bitch hard. It made her fall. She tried to come at me, but I pulled out the scalpel Ren left by our bed.
Our bed.
Where he fucked me last night.
I looked at Pam and saw jealousy soar in her eyes.
“Stay away from me,” I spat.
I wasn’t going to tell her to stay away from Ren; that wasn’t the kind of woman I was. Telling her to stay away from Ren made me feel weak, so I’d rather not say anything at all. She could keep her memories while I got the real thing. On my way to my room, I grabbed a notebook she had been using and her pen and closed my door.
I couldn’t remember when the last time I had sketched. It was something that would bring me temporary joy when I was little. One of my early memories was showing my father my designs. As I got older, I doodled my dreams for the company, knowing no one would ever see them.
That day, I drew out of anger and despair. I was feeling so hopeless and scared. It wasn’t even about Silas that day; it was about the things that were happening with Ren. The way he made me feel like I was so incredibly alive one second and like I was drowning the next.
Still, I missed him. It was irrational and stupid, but I couldn’t sleep without him. Since I was free of Silas, he was always there. Even when he wasn’t staying with me, he was in the same house. In ways, he reminded me of Silas. He had a lot of the qualities I’d once found attractive in my dear ol’ uncle. Ruthlessness, unapologetic, headstrong, but where Silas made me feel like I was shit, Ren made me feel like it was okay…like I was fine to keep being me.
By the time Ren got home, I was tired of letting my mind wander all night. I was still annoyed; he hadn’t told me about Pam. I was so mad I missed the awe in his voice as he saw my sketches like he was proud of me.
The word was foreign on my tongue. No one had ever been proud of me. Then he set the bag next to me and headed to the bathroom. I recognized the purse right away; it was one of mine. It contained some clothes, my shampoos, and my favorite pair of Louboutins. As I rummaged through it, I found an envelope, but left that inside.
There was only one person Ren could have gone to get this from, and it was the doctor. I grabbed the shampoos, holding them close to my chest. No one had ever done something like this for me. He was telling me he was sorry I was in this situation, offering me comfort without saying the words. That was beautiful to me. I had to stop myself from crying in front of him.
I was in the arms of a killer, and I’d never felt so safe. He was covered in blood and my fingers in ink. I got in that shower with him, and the water washed off everything we had been, leaving just him and me bare. We didn’t have to make sense. We didn’t have to be normal; he was a beautiful nightmare, and I never wanted him to let me go. Dreams were wishful thinking and ended too soon, but nightmares went on forever, and Ren brought delight to mine. I felt like I’d found peace under his dark wings.
Now here I was sitting down on a couch in the back part of the house. The space was empty like it was being remodeled. Ren was shirtless, all his muscles on full display. His face was no longer clean-shaven, but he had a little stubble, reminding me of my Ren. In his mouth, he had a blunt. I didn’t think it was wise to smoke while practicing, but you couldn’t tell Ren what to do. His pants rode low, and the top of his black boxers was peeking out. The V was defined, and I wanted to run my tongue through it. He let out a punch to Gideon. Much like Ren, he was also shirtless. He was more muscular than I had given him credit for. From his neck, all the way down, his body was covered in tattoos. He was a gorgeous piece of art. Pam was nowhere in sight, and I was glad. She was either hiding somewhere else or had found a new fuck buddy.
“I want to see blood!” I cheered.
“She’s a vicious little thing, isn’t she?” G said as he dodged another of Ren’s punches.
I continued to talk smack as their fighting went from playful to full-on competitive, all while I took a hit from my mini little bong. Ren had given it to me the other day while I was sketching.
“I couldn’t get you your fancy one, so here’s this one for now,” he’d said.
I couldn’t contain my grin because it was soo girly and covered in glitter. I loved it. It wasn’t like the bougie one I had, but this one was special.
“That was a shitty move!” I yelled at Gideon as he went for one of Ren’s ribs. I turned to Ren. “Are you okay, babe?”
I said the words so casually, not even thinking about them, but Ren did. He noticed them because his head swung my way, and his eyes—his eyes looked like they were glowing. So blue, the ice no longer there. I’d never called him anything other than Ren, Falcon, or dog, but this? He liked it. By the way he was looking at me, he liked it a lot.
“Remember, kids, no fucking.”
I raised my finger and flicked off Gideon. He meant it too, saying Ren needed every advantage, and he couldn’t fuck before the big fight—he needed to build up testosterone and all that jazz. I thought that was just bullshit, but what did I know? Gideon was adamant about it, going so far as to barge into our room in the morning.
The first day he found Ren with his mouth between my legs, his mouth was right there when he pulled him off. And Ren was selfish enough that if he didn’t get any, neither did I. So no sex after the fight.
“Do I have to sleep between you two tonight?”
“Are you trying to jerk my man, G?”
“Probably have to jerk it off you, since he gave you his dick.”
I laughed. I didn’t know why Ren hadn’t killed him. I suspected that he liked him or respected him because Gideon always pushed the boundaries, but you couldn’t help but like the guy. He was so easygoing.
“Okay, again. This time, I won’t go easy.”
And then there were times G was scary as hell too.
The day before the fight, the house had been quiet. Pam showed up from wherever she had gone. Probably to get laid, because she looked happier than she had in days.
“How’s the nose?” I asked as I ate some food.
She glared at me and made a show of looking me up and down before she spoke. “You go and enjoy yourself.”
Ignoring her, I went to the room, where I found Ren sitting on the bed smoking. I walked up to him and straddled him. He just looked at me as one of his hands wrapped around my waist. I kissed him as I’d never kissed anyone before, slow with no preamble. I’d never kissed someone just for the hell of kissing, and that was something Ren had that no one else would. People spent time worrying about who was their first, how many people they fucked, but all those things were meaningless. It was the slow kisses that killed the act of being intimate without losing your clothes. Sometimes it was easier to show your body than shed your soul. Little by little, I was losing mine, because Ren kept stealing it.
Ren’s mouth leisurely devoured mine while his hands mapped my skin as if he was trying to commit me to memory. We were a tangle of limbs touching and feeling. We stayed like that until we took a nap.
My hands traced over every inch of Ren’s chest, through the scars that marked his skin and the cuts from now-healed wounds. It was rare when I woke before he did. Training with Gideon got him tired because of his ribs, and my body was still catching up on the sleepless nights I’d spent with Silas.
“What are you doing?” Ren asked, and despite waking up, he didn’t look drowsy. He still looked alert.
“Molesting you.”
He gave me a smirk. “If I can’t get pussy, you’re not coming either.”
“I think that whole testosterone thing is an old wives’ tale, or Gideon is just jealous.”
I grabbed his tattooed hand, tracing over the forest that started at his wrist and went up to his forearm. He had a compass toward the back of his arm, but the scale was inverted. He had more shading and a monarch butterfly, and in the wings, there was a skull face. The tattoo ended by the elbow with beautiful shaded feather wings, and they finished in sharp blades.
“It’s beautiful. Do they have a meaning?”
“Yeah,” he rasped.
“The compass is inverted because of your morals.” I traced the circle while he nodded with approval. “The wings are kind of obvious, and so are the knife tips…the butterfly is death ‘cause you bring it. I don’t know about the forest.”
“It was the best way I could represent something wild and untamed. A wolf seemed too cliché.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “But falcon wings didn’t? I should get a tattoo.”
“Are you going to get diamonds?” he mocked.
“I should get a falcon tramp stamp,” I joked, but kept going when I saw the idea turned him on. “You can look at it as you fuck me from beh—”
Ren pulled me to his mouth. I shrieked with glee as I straddled him. My body wasn’t sore anymore from the last time he took me, although the hickeys hadn’t entirely disappeared. I wanted him so bad.
“I need you,” I begged against his mouth.
Ren’s hands came to my waist, removing my pants. “You’re going to sit on my face, and after I make you see fucking stars, we’re going to a parlor.”
“Yes,” I agreed immediately.
“Fuck, Ember, you’re soaked,” Ren groaned as he ran a finger over my slit. He lifted my body, putting me on his face and running his tongue where his finger had been. I moaned, throwing my head back. Then I screamed.
“What the fuck!”
“Wasn’t the door locked!” Ren shouted.
“I picked the lock. I had a feeling this was going to happen when you two were eye-fucking each other” was said by my ear.
Gideon had his hands on my waist as he carried me away from Ren. Ren sat up, pissed as hell.
“Can you let her go?”
“His boner is digging into my ass,” I mumbled.
Ren shot up off the bed so fast, pulling me away from Gideon.
“You guys wouldn’t be interested in a threesome?”
“No,” Ren and I said at the same time.
Gideon threw his hands up in surrender.
“What you wanted is ready,” he said as he walked out the door, leaving it open.
“Come on, get dressed. We have things to do.”
I pouted.
Ren came to closer to me, grabbing my hand and putting it on his erection. “I fucking want to tear into your pussy like no other, make no mistake, but as much as I hate to say this, G might have a point. I need everything to win tomorrow.”
He sounded serious, so I got dressed. “Where are we going?”
Forty minutes later, we were in the car heading downtown. It felt good being out of the house joining the rest of the world, but it was also scary. Because when I was alone with Ren in his little bubble, I was safe, and I could pretend nothing else bothered me.
We stopped at a small boutique where Ren told me to be quick and pick up something to wear. Since I had the shoes and jeans, I just grabbed
a leather jacket and a top. Ren paid for the clothes, grabbed my hand, and led me back to the car.
“Where are we going?” I asked as my heart started to pound violently against my rib cage.
We were too close to downtown. He wouldn’t take me home, right? For a second, I felt stupid if he wanted the reward. What if that was the easiest thing to do—collect the money for me and save his life over mine. What if it was all a lie?
“Whatever you’re thinking, stop thinking it.” Ren grabbed my hand.
“I’m not thinking anything,” I lied.
He didn’t say any more, and I waited with dread in my veins the closer we got. Ren then took a turn, and I was able to breathe for a second until it became clear where we were.
“I wasn’t able to get all the shit you usually get them, but I think I did okay,” he said as he put the car in park in front of the homeless camp.
I always associated crying with being sad, weak, and pathetic. I never knew you could cry from happiness.
Blinking back tears, I asked, “Why?”
“You’re not my prisoner, Ember, and I know it doesn’t seem that way right now. I know doing this shit makes you happy. I didn’t think it was wise to go to the hospital, but this, I could do for you.”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital anymore.” My voice shook.
Ren reached cupped my cheek. “Once things are settled, we can go there.”
I shook my head. “I won’t… It’s been a year, Ren. I…I abandoned them. I know not all of them will be there if I go back…” My chest rose and fell, and I felt sick to my stomach. “What if…what if they think I didn’t care?”
The last part came out as a choked whisper. We hadn’t talked about my time with Silas. It was the only thing Ren never brought up. I never questioned it because I didn’t want to tell him about that year. It could be like it never existed.
“Hey, look at me,” Ren said as he forced me to meet his eyes. “Yeah, it might suck at first, but you love that. You helped those families more than you let the world see. I saw it that day. The way those kids adored you. The stuff you slipped to the parents. Your money was always tied up, so you gave them your diamonds, didn’t you?”
